Name update

So, we have finally totally agreed on a girl name that we are absolutely in loooooooooove with!  We'll wait to share names until after the birth this time but at least now I'm not dreading the decision.

I will share the story though.  I've been stressed out about a lot of things, especially baby related.  I just keep freaking out that the timing is bad and that we were foolish.  But Doug has finally recognized that we need to move into our own place.  I just can't keep putting up with his dad.  Anyway, Doug said "Let's decide on a girl name, I think that would help you a lot."  Wow.  He hates talking about names.  So before I even said a word he proposed our now name and it was just perfect.  It made me cry!  Hearing it from his lips was just amazing.  Years ago when we started dating he called my name out one time and I just knew I'd marry him and listen to him say my name forever.  And this was just like this.

And this is the first real pregnancy thing we've done for this baby.  We haven't bought a thing yet or made up any real plans so this feels like a huge step and is making it much more real!  Doug was totally right!  Finally super excited instead of mostly terrified.

Names

Ugh.  Just as last time we're all over the place with girl names.  I blame Doug.  He already changed it from what we had "agreed" on last time.  So then that just kind of opened the door for me.  The problem is our criteria is picky and we really love everything on our short list.  It just feels like we'll never reach the moment where we can say "Yes, that's perfect!"  Boy names come so much easier for us!  I'm secretly praying we have another boy I but feel like this is a girl.  DH is absolutely convinced it is.  He's already calling it a "her."  So is everyone else, but that's probably just because they think we want one and want to have one of each.  We don't care, DH is just convinced it is because this pregnancy is pretty different.

If it's a girl I feel like I'll either have to settle on something or will end up pulling an audible in the hospital room with the name based on hormones and regretting it.

Flutters and sickness

I forgot to post yesterday that I've started feeling some flutters.  At first I'd feel them and then not for a few days.  Then the other week I felt them every day in the same spot and at the same time of day for the whole week.  And then one day I felt them almost all day every time I was standing or sitting still.  And then nothing for a week.  I've been kind of stressed out lately and it got me kind of worried.  But I know that's normal.  I never felt flutters with Teddy.  Or at least not that I knew what they were.  I know it's just so small right now and can hide in places that are harder to feel.  Then after a week I finally felt it again.  And now nothing and it's been a few days again.  But obviously everything is fine in there. 

And today I got the results from my urine culture that was done on Tuesday.  Yep, still sick.  Not surprised given my symptoms.  They put me on a different antibiotic for 7 days and then I will be on a suppressive antibiotic until delivery.  I just hope this works because I started feeling symptoms before I finished this last round of antibiotics.  I just want to get better and stay better. 

17 weeks

I had my OB appointment yesterday.  Baby sounded great on the doppler, forgot to ask how many beats per minute.  I have my 20 week appointment and anatomy scan scheduled for January 15!  Doug has convinced me we should find out the gender.  I almost asked them to measure my fundal height because I want confirmation that it's really high.  The second I eat my upper abs totally balloon up.  Everything is just super crammed up there.  I get full really fast, and then am hungry 10 seconds later.  They sent my urine out  for a culture as was the plan.  I started having symptoms again on Thursday while still on antibiotics.  It's getting rather annoying and old. 

On the plus side I've only gained 2 pounds.  Though I'm not eating very good at all, caving to a lot of cravings and being rushed with meals at the house AND having a certain kiddo or two always wanting to swipe my food.  I'm worried that all the weight gain will catch up to me at once any time now.  I bought a maternity tank top form Target, much better than the one I got last time from Old Navy.  Perfect for layering.  And a maternity t-shirt.  It's short sleeved but it's really long so I can layer it over my long sleeve shirts that are too short.  I'm hoping that I will get a few maternity clothes for Christmas.  I will definitely need to buy more soon because I'm already huuuuuge.  I don't know where it's coming from since I've barely gained any weight and I don't think I'm smaller any where else.  I really need to post a pic sometime.

Doug and I celebrated our 8 year anniversary yesterday as well!  We had an Applebee's gift card so we went out to lunch after my appointment and we also had a movie gift card which we've been hoarding for just the right movie and occasion and we saw The Hobbit.  I haven't read the book and I never read Lord of the Rings either but I did like the movies a good bit.  The Hobbit was even better, in my opinion.  Bilbo is by far the coolest Hobbit.  I'm not sure about ever seeing another movie in a theater again though.  It's just easier to watch them at home.  I can pause it so I can pee 15 times, lay down on the couch, control the volume etc.  Doug of course really wants to see Part 2 next year but I'm not so sure I'll go.  Another 3 hour movie and I'll only have a 6 month old so feedings could be an issue.  It was nice to not have to worry about keeping it low so we wouldn't wake up Teddy and watch it in the middle of the day instead of having to wait until 9 when we're already exhausted.

Finally a diagnosis!

I posted last week about all my kidney stuff.

I saw my pcp who has treated all my other kidney infections and understands my history of all that.  I had to wait a few extra days to see him, but it was worth it.  He confirmed that he didn't think it was normal at all, even for pregnancy and that it was definitely kidney related.  He said that we could try some other tests but let's start with another urine culture.  That was on a Thursday and I didn't get results until yesterday, but I was positive for Group B Strep and "a few other things".  I have no idea why this didn't show up on the urine culture from the ER or the other one I had done a few weeks ago.  He wanted the OB to be the one to prescribe medication.  So I didn't get started on that until this afternoon.  The nurse I spoke to said she "can't believe he didn't treat this" after listening to my symptoms and how long I had them.  Um, I was seen by an OB too who said everything was fine.  He just didn't want to overstep his bounds.  Anyway, started on Amoxicillin, which usually doesn't do much for me but I know they need to start on the low stuff.  I have resorted to using some Tylenol before bed just so I can sleep some and using a heating pad a few times a day for a few minutes.  The kidney pain can be so bad.  It's been so upsetting to be treated like this and be told everything was fine and that it was all normal.  I will finish the dose a few days before my next appointment and they will test and culture my urine then.  This is technically my second one while pregnant, though the first one I was very early on (didn't even know I was pregnant).  That one lingered for at least a few weeks and I had to take a few rounds of medication but I started feeling better and my temp returned to normal so I figured all was well.  I had recurrent infections for 9 months from 2007-2008, so I'm not even sure if the one in September really went away.  I'm going to be vigilant about having them test me and follow up.  I've read that if it happens more than once they will put me on constant low dose antibiotics, which might really be the best idea given my history.  I'm just looking forward to feeling better and being able to function better again.  The way the pain has been and with the chills it's been difficult to try to act as if all is normal and parent as I normally would.

So, I'm assuming that the dating on my last ultrasound was correct, which would put EDD at May 29th.  I'm pretty sure they won't officially change it which will probably be better for my chances of VBAC if I don't have other complications that would make them want to do a repeat c-section.  I'm ok with them saying no entirely to the VBAC but since they did say there's a small chance I'll hold on to that.  So, that puts me at 15 weeks today.  I tried doing a pic but I look gross right now.  I think baby is hitting another growth spurt because I've been really hungry today but generally I get full super fast and don't really want anything to eat at all after 7.  Last week at the pcp's office I still hadn't gained anything.  I can't remember what I had gained by this point with Teddy but it was at least a few pounds. 

Ohh and I think I'm starting to feel some flutters.  It's generally in the same spot and around the same time of day or when I'm really quiet and still (so when Teddy is asleep, lol).  So exciting!

14 weeks and kidney trouble

For weeks now I've been complaining about having chills.  I'll just get so cold!  I'll layer myself up and wrap myself up in my robe and a blanket and not even want to move.  I avoid errands now because it means cold outside, I don't even want to open my refrigerator if I'm not for sure reaching for the milk or something.  I'm totally short changing Teddy about outside play and I hate it.

I've also had a lot of urinary urgency.  It will suddenly feel like I have a full 8 pound baby bouncing on my bladder and I have to run to the restroom.  A lot of times there's not much in there.  I'm sure I'm not drinking enough or before this, peeing enough, so that probably isn't helping.  I went to walk in hours at my general physician's office and they did a urinalysis and sent it off for culture and started me on antibiotics in the meantime.  Culture came back negative so I was to stop antibiotics.  I said I was still having symptoms and more by then including burning with urination and they told me to follow up with my OB.  By this point it was a Thursday and they said if it wasn't better by Monday to call again and come in.  Well, the burning with urination started to come and go, it wasn't constant.  So most of that week went by and things were ok.  Over the weekend I started having bladder pain and cramping.  The next week I had my 12 week appointment and they said my urinalysis was fine and they didn't want to culture it.  And that as long as the pain came and went it was fine. 

That was a Tuesday.  On Saturday afternoon around 3:45, I was woken from my nap with the most intense awful pain in my mid-back I've ever had in my whole life.  Worse than anything I could imagine and I never ever want to experience it again.  And it was terrifying.  I kept trying to move to get comfortable and when that didn't work I instantly recognized it was my kidneys since I've had so many kidney infections.  But this was so much worse.  The pain lasted for 10 minutes and I frantically called my mom and Doug, my sister and my brother trying to get ahold of someone that could come help me because Teddy was due to wake up and I was in such pain I just wanted to die.  I was crying and trying to not scream from the pain, I could barely talk.  Finally the pain subsided and I was able to get to him and then my mom came over.  Over the next few hours the pain was at a constant 6-7 out of 10 and then I'd get stabbing pains up to a 9.  After Doug got off work I called the OB on call for my practice.  He only talked to me for a few seconds, said it could be a kidney stone or infection and if I didn't think I could make it until Monday to go to the ER.  Well, I wanted a bit more guidance than that.  ER visits are expensive after all and from what I understand the general treatment for a kidney stone is just some pain medication and lots of fluids.  So we called the nurse line for our insurance and she talked with me for about 12 minutes.  After explaining the whole history and the current situation she really thought it was a kidney stone too and that of course it's always better safe than sorry when you're pregnant.

So we got there around 8:30 and didn't leave until 1.  They did a bladder and kidney ultrasound and didn't see a stone.  My urinalysis didn't look too bad they said but they decided to culture it.  I still haven't heard back on that.  They sent me home and apparently the OB on call said that it sounded like normal pregnancy stuff to him.  No.  Not normal at all.  At all.  I know where my kidneys are.  I know where my bladder is.  I know the baby is too little to cause this sort of pain.  My ankles and knees hurt when I go down the stairs sometimes.  That is normal because you produce more relaxin during pregnancy.  Having such awful kidney pain that you want to die, is not normal.  And I have a long history of problems with UTIs and kidney infections. 

I am not going to follow up with the OB until my pcp which has handled all the other infections and knows all about my history tells me I need to.  I feel like everyone else is blowing me off.  I was supposed to see him yesterday but it had to be moved until tomorrow.  And in the mean time my kidneys are still hurting around a 6 but no more shooting pain there.  Last night I was having a lot of stabbing and shooting pain in my bladder and even urethra.  And yes, I know it's my urethra and not my cervix, again not that it would matter because baby only weighs an ounce.

But, at the ER they did an ultrasound on the baby.  Looking great and measuring a week ahead of OB's date and much closer to mine.  So I'm more convinced than ever that my date is right and that maybe it's measuring a few days behind.  So, there, I was right!  So basically, I'm 14 weeks today instead of only 13.  Or, according to my date 14w3d but I'll spot them the 3 days.

2 year stats and 12 week appointment

Teddy had his 2 year check up last week.  He measured at 34 pounds and 35 inches.  95% for weight and 75% for height.  I might try measuring him again, he didn't stand still the best.  The doctor thought he was going to be in a higher percentile just from looking at him.  I can never remember the head but it was 75% as well.  He is on track for everything and even ahead in a lot of places.  He hated the shots and I asked for them to a blood draw to check his iron level.  He hated that big time.  His iron came back fine.  I was just worried because for several weeks he was sleeping 12-13 hours at night and then sleeping 2-2.5 hours during the day but would still ask to sleep a lot and had dark circles under his eyes.  He didn't have any nasal symptoms so we ruled out allergies.  But all is well.  He had a bad cold this weekend and was super grumpy but is much better today.

Baby's check up was today!  Heartbeat measured at 150.  Teddy measured around 130 at this point and according to old wive's tales boys measure below 140 and girls measure above.  We'll see, I'm still about 2 months away from finding out the gender.  I have decided I do want to find out the gender.  We will be thrilled either way.  On one hand I would like to experience a girl eventually.  We want 3 or 4 kids, if everything goes well with my future pregnancies and deliveries and I can get pregnant so easily again.  Of course if I never have a girl that's ok.  Doug really thinks this one is a girl and says he really wants another boy too.  He claims he will go until we have 10 kids to get another boy.  Yeah, good luck convincing the person who has to grow them of that, buddy!!  Anyway, a boy now would be great too because we already have all the clothes! 

They didn't measure my fundal height today.  I was hoping they would because when I do it at the house (pretty sure I'm doing it right) I'm measuring 14 cm.  I was hoping that would be enough for them to think "hmm...let's do another ultrasound" and then baby would have caught up to my expected due date.  I was told we'd do one at 10 weeks for dating purposes, that they like that time the best.  But at the 8 week one to check for heartbeat they never mentioned it.  Teddy measured 10 days behind and then caught up at the 8 week one.  This one measured 12 days behind and didn't catch up.  But I wonder if it would be different after just another week or two.  When there's more things to measure than just a blob.

Not that it really matters.  Honestly, the later date would probably be better in terms of us getting things together.  It would just be a matter of pride that my date was correct, that I knew what was going on with my body.  I don't know, I guess I might have ovulated while I was puking my guts out, I wasn't exactly checking for signs during those 3-4 days.  It's just all so weird.  That I ovulated on my own at all.  And then that it would have been after I thought it had been?  What was what I experienced earlier then? 

I think we've decided to stay with FIL for another year and probably remodel the unfinished part of the basement.  Right now we moved our bed out of the big open room in the basement to what was the furnace/storage room.  Except it's burning me up at night and since there isn't any partition between the furnace and us (aside from junk hidden behind a curtain) it's kind of noisy too.  Just noisy enough to keep me from falling back to sleep if I wake up to pee or am dealing with insomnia (which is happening a lot!)  This would get us out of that room and we could put in a finished bathroom instead of hiking upstairs.  We're just in the planning stage, we probably wouldn't start until February after Doug gets his first bonus.  And that will allow me some time to be sure it's what I want.  FIL has been gone hunting for weeks now (comes back for a day or two and goes again) so it's been really nice but I might have forgotten what a pain it is when he's here.

 Financially it makes the most sense.  I just need to hold on another year or two-- or get a full time job that can somehow pay for two kids in full time childcare and have money leftover.  Not going to hold my breath for that to happen.  And honestly, I don't want it to.  If we didn't have this option, we would have done something for us to be able to afford our own place to live, even if it was tiny.  But I am fully aware that I am choosing this lifestyle.  It comes with a price.  If I want to be home with my kids then even if Doug were making $100,000 a year I wouldn't be spending it on a bunch of luxuries.  But even on his current salary we can make ends meet if I lower my expectations of my lifestyle.  It means renting or living with family (again, NOT for free, but still a little cheaper).  It means frugal meals (but still healthy!)  It means very few presents.  It means older vehicles.  Less or no eating out.  No times out with friends, but times in can be nice.  Very few or no product parties.  No manicures, no massages, no fancy phones, no photo sessions, no camera, no new clothes or shoes and if so definitely clearance or second hand and only if truly a need.  We down graded from our iphones.  If we had our own place we definitely wouldn't have cable and probably would cut out internet too but FIL wants them and he pays for them.  We're mindful of our trips to town and to friend's houses to save on gas.  And you won't hear me complain about this lifestyle that I'm choosing to live.  I just wish others that do live outside their means wouldn't then complain when they think they still don't have enough and think that they deserve to have that before other people have basic needs met and that them living outside their means is someone else's (namely the government's) fault.  And they certainly don't need to loudly proclaim how "bad" they have it on facebook and then throw a giant fit when someone shows them how blessed they are. 

But if all goes well in about a year Doug will be general manager of his store and will be making a lot (to us) more.  And I'm still thinking about finishing my master's.  I definitely want to do it eventually.  It's just a matter of, should I do it when the kids are little or should I wait until my youngest is a bit more independent?  If I can teach even a few classes online a year I can pay off what I owe in loans and put some aside for kids college and retirement.  But all those are 'maybes' and we have certainly learned that maybes don't always work out and to not put much faith in them.  Living for today, we are blessed.  We have plenty of food, shelter, clothes and love.  We are blessed beyond measure.

Teddy is 2!!!

Freshly cleaned off and cuddling with mommy

One year old!

Almost 2 and cheesing for the camera.

 I'm really having a hard time believing that my little guy is 2!  He started out just a tiny thing inside me and depending on me for everything and even after he was out he needed me most of the time because he was breastfed.  And now he's so independent and prefers Daddy and Bom Bom (Grandma) to me half the time!  I savor each and every hug and kiss, every time he grabs my hand and wants to go somewhere.  Every time he calls my name, asks me a question or wants to play.  He is just the sweetest thing.

I don't brag about him too much because I don't want to put pressure on him later in life, set myself up to think that all my children will be this way or make it sound like I'm putting others down.  But really, he is soo stinking smart.  Which is mostly a good thing, but not always, haha!  He has known the whole alphabet for months, knows numbers, can count to 10 and even 20 with help.  He has whole books and songs memorized.  He can speak in 4 word sentences already.  And he has an excellent memory.  He will remember weeks later that a friend came over and will ask about them and want to see them again.  He is so determined and wants to do so much on his own, and most of the time can.  I tend to just sit back and see if he can do it on his own before interfering.  If he's struggling or seems upset I ask "Do you want help?"  With discipline I try to see what he's going to do before I say no to him.  For example, the church choir practices in the fellowship hall.  He's been obsessed with opening and closing doors for about a year now.  He will wander all over the hall and get close to the door.  For a few weeks we had some issues with him wanting to open it, or wanting to wander out when one of the other kids opened it.  But honestly, after only reprimanding him a few times now he doesn't try it anymore.  He will get close to it, just walking by but doesn't run to it and try to open it.  I like that he has confidence to walk by temptation and not cave in.  And last weekend in the church nursery he went over towards the microwave (which is at his height and he always wants to open the door, press the buttons etc.) and didn't touch it.  I had my head turned for a second but I was told that he looked at it and then me for a second and walked on.  Sooo great!!

I will have official stats tomorrow after his check up.

His birthday party was on Saturday, November 10th.  It was originally planned for Monday the 12th but Doug's work schedule got changed due to the hurricane.  Surprisingly, that actually meant less people could come.  But it worked out decently because it was crowded when we were all in one room.

He was so blessed with presents!  Grandma especially got him quite a few things including a pop up tent and the food and dishes to go with his kitchen that we bought him.  We got him a kitchen from Once Upon a Child for $20 and some Melissa and Doug puzzles.  One is modes of transportations complete with noises and the other is farm animals.  He also got clothes, lots of books, a dancing lion, a mini Thomas the train ramp, a cool flashlight, a new dump truck (made in the US of recycled products), a mini tow truck, coloring books, a chalkboard.  I know I'm forgetting a few things but the list is upstairs and I'm tired.  He's really enjoying them all.  I might put a few things away to pull out over the months because I'm cheap like that instead of buying presents year round as he gets bored with what he has.

It was supposed to be barnyard theme but Doug didn't think we should take down FIL's pictures and stuff so we could fully decorate.  So aside from the invitations and handed out toy tractors, I don't think anyone had a clue.  I served popcorn chicken.  I almost went with a Chick-fil-a tray because they're sooo good but these were very tasty (from Sharp Shopper and I splurged and deep fried instead of baking) and way cheaper.  Also served pigs in a blanket, macaroni and cheese baked in muffin tins which were perfect for tiny hands, veggie tray, fruit tray, chips and dip.  Dessert was home made cupcakes, both vanilla and chocolate with homemade buttercream vanilla frosting.  And homemade rice krispie treats.  I offered juice and milk including strawberry or chocolate flavorings for the kids but I think all of them went with juice.  I don't think anyone got a picture of the food or the desserts etc.  But we did manage to get pictures of him blowing out the candle this year versus last year so that works for me.

Inspecting his kitchen before guests arrive

Hanging out for a few minutes before we started chowing down.  All the kids loved the balloons!

Getting ready to blow!

He blew it out!  He knows candles are hot and not to touch so I thought he'd be afraid of it but he did great!

Micah agrees the cupcake is good!

Cousin Kayla liked it too!  Poor Noah is feeling left out!

Eating some ice cream to go with it.

Worked up a thirst!  Big boy knows to use 2 hands for cups now!

Love this one!  It took a couple of tries to get the post cupcake face.

Opening presents.

What is family?

So this has practically nothing to do with Teddy or the baby but I don't really know what other outlet I can use.  Well, actually it does, I'm talking about the type of family I want to give my children.

I think I've hinted before that my family is messed up, for anyone who doesn't know all the details.  I can't go into it all here but it's pretty heavy.  There's a long history of drug and alcohol abuse and by the grace of God He has kept me from that.  My grandmother died in May and she had 9 kids, not counting my mother 4 of them lived in the same state as me.  Sadly, I never got to be close to her, really.  She was just never very affectionate.  She lived 4 hours away and only once did she come and visit us.  For a few years before death she had poor health, so of course that makes sense.  But growing up, how could it possibly have been harder for her to visit us than it was for my mother to drive 4 kids on no money in a near broken down car to visit them?  Once there we were always torn apart between the aunts and uncles.  Lord forbid we want to spend time to ourselves.  Everything was always tense and it felt like these people were strangers.  As a child I always felt a sense of love for them even though they did feel like strangers.  I accepted, as children do, that because of blood I should love them.  As I got older I noticed personality flaws, quite frankly some of my relatives are total screw ups, most of them jerks and also flat out irresponsible with drinking and pot smoking.  There came a time when I began to think to myself "If I weren't related I wouldn't even want to know these people."

We wouldn't get many phone calls or letters.  They would frequently miss birthdays and Christmases but then every once in awhile one of the four of us would get a present from one of them.  Of course they didn't seem to keep any sort of list to not miss one or not start in the middle of the year and the other kids get missed out on.  We just weren't a close family.  Even now, I will not find out that one of my aunts has breast cancer or another one is scheduled for surgery tomorrow until my mother puts in a prayer request at church, in which she usually did not know until earlier that day.  But they were always close with each other.  One of my aunts moved to Florida.  She still kept in touch with the other VA family quite well.  The non-VA family were the big time 'screw ups.'  One stayed in California when the family moved in 1973, she was 16.  I still don't know all these stories because they bring up so much pain in my mother and aunt to talk about.  But anyway, Mom was also deemed a screwup too (the long back story I'm not fully disclosing) so why bother keeping in touch with her and her bratty children?

Remember when I said I really loved my family even though they said things like that to us and treated us differently?  I did.  The one aunt I still loved, I suppose since she moved far away I wasn't exposed to personality flaws.  Well, in all the election fall out she and her family have just said some very hurtful things to me.  Literally to me.  Not about the other party or anything, but to me.  And yes, not enough for just her, but my 15 year old cousin too.  Awesome.  And hiding behind the premise that 'I don't know what they go through.'  True, I don't.  Because no one talks to me.  And never has.  And my phone calls and e-mails would go unanswered so I don't even try anymore.  But I know for sure you're not homeless or starving, so yeah, your life is better than a lot of people.  That's fact, it's not my fault you said it wasn't.  And I'm not even talking about better than me, but about the fact that there are starving children and yours are not.  You should be thankful for that.  I am thankful that I have experienced poverty so that I can be thankful for everything I have.  Maybe that's the problem.

What hurts is that it shouldn't hurt.  It shouldn't hurt that these people that I really don't know and obviously don't care about me have hurt me.  It shouldn't hurt worse than anything else out there, but it does.  Why should family treat each other that way?  I should be able to point out a flaw in an argument without getting my head bit off by.  Why can't we all talk to each other?  Why do half of my grandmother's kids refuse to talk to the other half?  Over things that happened 40 years ago?  I hate that my grandmother died knowing her children wouldn't band together upon her death.  Knowing that several would refuse to do anything if "that one" comes.  And I can't imagine how awful it must hurt to have raised children that do that.  I think I would die if my kids hated each other that way. 

Right now it's hard for me to talk to my siblings about a lot of things because they're young and doing a lot of stupid things.  I don't talk to them a lot so I can be nice and not just yell at them about all the stupid things they're doing.  But I don't hate them and I have forgiven them for anything hurtful they have done, I pray they can do the same for me.  And I will love them no matter what they do.  And I will always believe the best for them.  I might not agree with it all and I might not be silent about it all but they will always be my siblings and my first best friends. 

If there is one thing I want to be able to accomplish as a mother it is that my children will love each other and learn to be friends.  I know it will be difficult some days, if not most.  It might not happen until they're adults but I would not  be able to stand the division that is in my family. 

And it's my only family.  I don't know my biological father's side at all and my step-father and his family decided some odd years after the divorce that they didn't want to claim me either.  Does anyone know how much it hurts to call a man "Dad" and to accept him even though he left a lot wanting and was immature to suddenly see Dad revoked on a card and it turn into just his name.  What is that?  But at least I still get a card, at least there's some sign that he cares.  Sometimes I just feel so alone.  So instead I'm trying to embrace my husband's family, which is quite a pill to swallow sometimes.  But at least they all talk to each other.  And sadly attempts of making friends into family hasn't worked at all because all of them really do have families that they love and like and there's just no forgetting that you're only a friend. 

So my conclusion is that I want my children to know that family is not optional.  This is your one and only family.  Love them.  Always be the one that can see the good in them.  Be their cheerleader.  Pick them up when they are down.  Be their shoulder to cry on.  Realize that you're all equal in your Father's sight and in your earthly parents too.  I want home to be something worth coming home to.

And hellloooo pregnancy hormones because this has had me sooo upset all last night and all day today and probably all tonight too.  

It is just as exciting!

I didn't have much time earlier when I posted about the ultrasound. 

So for weeks now I've been worried that I haven't been feeling as excited about this pregnancy as I did with Teddy.  Since I know what's normal and what's to be expected and am in general less anxious and am way busier, I'm just not thinking about it very often.  I've made some lists about what we need to buy and even browsed for some neat things to try out via Amazon.  Other than that it's waiting until/if we find out the gender.  (I am still not sure if I want to find out this time).  And of course we need to figure out living arrangements.  But really, all that can and is going to wait for awhile.  Even if we would move next week we wouldn't set up a bunch of baby stuff right away.

Doug had to stay home with Teddy today because mom couldn't watch him and it would be a hassle to have to drive him anywhere else.  Another example, totally fine with Doug missing the first two appointments (and both had ultrasounds).  Last night he was asking if I would get to take home a pic this time, if it would be a baby this time or just a yolk sac.  I said 'Yeah, don't you remember from Teddy when we went back at 8 weeks?'  Well, apparently he didn't.  And of course last time it was a total surprise how it would unfold, what it would look like, when it develops etc.  And then even Doug said "It's not as exciting this time" just because we were talking about things so matter of factly.  It made me sad.

Then during the ultrasound today it was actually really awesome to see the baby and confirm it's growing and everything's going great.  Seeing the heartbeat and it was waving it's arm a little.  I shed a few tears and told the tech that it really made me feel better because the big things are still big things.  It is just as exciting.  And you feel that love that you didn't know you could feel all over again.  I wasn't sure how I could love another one as much as Teddy it's definitely getting sorted out. 

Fingers crossed that at the next appointment they'll be able to pick up the heartbeat on the doppler.  That's early supposedly (found Teddy at 8 weeks so I had no clue that's normal until recently) but I know that's another big thing and is the best sound ever!

EDD: June 5th

I had my dating ultrasound today and the estimated due date is June 5th!  I'm so shocked at that date.  I'm so confused as to what I thought was ovulation on August 21st.  And then this date puts conception a few days before I was puking from my kidney infection but there was no intercourse for a week beforehand.  And then it means I found out 10 days after conception and not on an early test.  Just means I have to give greater glory to God because it makes no sense to me at all.

I had to take a 1 hour glucose test today because of my history with gestational diabetes.  Assuming those results are fine I won't have to do it again until 25 weeks.

Oh, and the repeat c-section will be scheduled for about a week early but I won't have a date for that until I'm in my third trimester.  I totally forgot to ask for the beats per minute but they said it was good.  I hadn't gained anything from last time and my blood pressure was great:  102/70.  Let's keep that up!

I go back in 4 weeks.  I got a picture that I'll try to upload later.

Symptoms updated

So I've been having some nausea off and on for about a week or so now.  It's nothing consistent.  It ranges as to the time it hits and food aversions aren't steady either.  The other day I made 5 pounds of chicken thighs at once.  I made chicken spaghetti the first day and figured that I could use the rest over the weekend because dinner is always so hectic for us with church.  Yeah, Saturday I put one on the plate and by the time it was done in the microwave I couldn't even look at it.  Doug came home so I had him eat it...in the kitchen, out of sight.  I couldn't even go back in there to get a drink.  The next day just knowing it was sitting in the fridge grossed me out.  But other times I was fine thinking about it.  It's making cooking and shopping interesting.  Last time I remember things being more consistent.  For a few weeks I hated pretty much everything but fruits and yogurt, especially meat.  Basically I'm trying to eat when I've got an appetite and make it healthy.  Getting hungry doesn't help the nausea I've noticed and unfortunately it feels like the hunger comes out of nowhere.  I keep trying to eat high protein things and complex carbs but it's not helping as much as I'd like.  The bigger issue is that basically I need to eat something every hour or two.  I'm used to 3 smallish meals and then I do have a small snack with Teddy twice a day.  Well, apparently my snacks aren't big enough.  And I need to eat 5-6 times a day of equal size (can't eat much at "meal" times either).  Now that I think about it I think I remember reading about that last time.  It's just I'm also struggling with trying to keep things healthy with low fat options and not rely on prepared foods that have so much sodium in them.  But now it feels like so much of what I used to like is gross to me.

Again, I'm not sure this has been consistent enough that it would have convinced me to pee on a stick though!

I have a nice little bloat baby right now.  By 3 pm my belly balloons up and I look like I did when 16 weeks with Teddy.  I probably would have just chalked that up to being fat though. 

Gear review

I'm pretty sure I didn't do this before.  But I was thinking about all the things that I need for this baby and the fact that it probably surprises people that I need more stuff since I already had one.  So let me explain what I've tried and what I'd like to try.

Pack n Play:  Teddy hated the bassinet attachment.  Perhaps it was because it's an older model.  Then he hated being isolated in it.  It was a huge dumping ground until recently when we turned it on the side and draped a blanket over it and he uses it as a fort.  I do plan to replace that with a small tent for him and try it again for baby #2.  Especially if we are in this house still, it can stay upstairs and baby can lay in it while I cook.  Other option would be a regular bassinet because it's smaller and has wheels.

Swing:  DS loved his and slept in it for months.  He'd start the night in it and eventually come in our bed.  The downside is that ours didn't plug in and we went through batteries a lot.  And there were only two different song options which got old fast.  I sold it to Once Upon a Child after Teddy outgrew it because we didn't have space for it in the condo and I got it for free (hand me down).  This time I'm interested in one that will plug in and maybe a smaller one.  Though it was difficult sometimes getting him in it, especially at the beginning with bending and the c-section.  He was sensitive to the altitude change, so a smaller one will be even lower to the ground.

Bouncy seat:  Ours also vibrated.  DS loved it and after it dawned on me to take it into the bathroom I was finally able to shower without someone else watching him.  It was nice once he was interested in the world more.  Once he learned to sit on his own though it was unnecessary.  I would not pay full price for one though, even if you plan for it to last for several children.  I liked it and want another one (gave mine to a friend and I know I'm not getting it back) but it's not worth $35+.  You can do without it if you can't find one used or on sale.

Moby:  I discovered this when DS was 4 months old (pretty sure on that).  He then lived in it for months in order to sleep.  It was also nice because I could go shopping during his nap time and he'd fall asleep to me walking around, I had my hands free to eat lunch etc.  I used it instead of a stroller until DS was 5 months old and I never had an infant car seat (went straight to convertible).  The length of fabric can be intimidating at first but it can fit anybody.  Even Doug was able to use it, though he was always concerned of putting it on.  But it made for some nice bonding time for him and Teddy when traditional carriers would not fit him.  I loaned it to the same friend as the bouncy seat so while at the time that $40 was the best money I ever spent, it's totally overpriced.  I plan on making my own this time from 5-6 yards of stretchy fabric.  There are tutorials online.  Also, the book it comes with only has a few holds  but there are others you can find online, I wish I had known about that earlier.  I never breastfed in it and I wish I had learned.  I plan to try that with #2.  Another reason not to spend the $40, as they get older and bigger stretchy fabric is not the best, because you need such a tight hold.  Many women then prefer woven fabrics or more structured carriers. 

Ergo:  I have the sport and I really like it.  I got it when DS was 7 months old and used it a fair bit that first summer and still use it.  There are times when he's really clingy after his nap and so I'll put him in it on my back and I can make us a snack or even do some light cooking.  He's too heavy for me to really go on walks with him in it, but I can wear him in it for an all day event and he can run around when he wants to and ride in it (and even sleep in it sometimes) when he needs to.

Nursing cover:  I had a cheap one from Target.  It was itchy and shaped oddly, did not feel like it covered well.  After a few months Teddy would not tolerate it anyway.  For a while just a thin blanket worked but then nothing.  I should have tried harder to nurse in public but I couldn't see what I was doing with either of those options and pretty much flashed people otherwise.  I decided that was ok in the church nursery with other mothers that were nursing but at the EMU track, not so much.  I would go to the car a lot.  That's not going to be an option with #2.

Fisher Price space saver high chair:  I really like it.  Apparently it converts to a booster which I totally forgot about before I bought a booster seat though.  But it takes up sooo much less space than a traditional high chair, though you do sacrifice a dining chair.  The recline option isn't really needed though, but it does fit a younger baby better than a booster does.  I wouldn't put a 6 month old in an actual booster.  Teddy wasn't ready for a booster until a few months ago, so I think it has great life.

Stroller:  I have a cheapo umbrella stroller.  Well, actually as far as umbrella strollers go it was more expensive.  It has a sun shade, a tray for child, a basket and a detachable storage/drink spot for parent.  It's super light weight.  Teddy is now getting too big for it.  He can put his feet down on the wheels and stop it, drives me nuts!  It doesn't manuever as well with a bigger child either.  It's seen a lot of wear in the last 19 months and I definitely got $35 worth out of it!

I also have a used double stroller that I found on Craigslist.  I can use it for Teddy and R, who I babysit.  Even though it's old and doesn't have a lot of functions nicer and newer ones have (like snack trays) it has a big basket and manuevers well still.  I took them to the indoor track the other day and made better time even though I was pushing two of them and had to stop a few times to entertain them, than I do with just Teddy in the umbrella.

If a stroller is something you're going to use a lot then think of it as a real investment.  When I bought the umbrella stroller I didn't walk very much.  We lived in a condo and I just didn't go outside very often.  I would put him in the cart at a store or in the moby for a mall that didn't have one, which was seldom because I'm just that classy.  I think almost everyone needs the lightweightness of an umbrella stroller eventually but a more heavy duty option is pretty much a must for most people's lifestyles as well.

Changing table:  Ok, I know most people say it's pointless but we didn't have a low dresser.  We had a free chest of drawers.  Our beds and couches are all lower so I'd be bending some and Doug would be bending a lot to change diapers.  Teddy is insane when we try to change him on the floor or a bed etc.  And I like the storage it offers.  I think I will be able to use it for years to come.  And I've seen the exact same one I've got be used to hold dishes on Disney channel's Good Luck Charlie, so I can always use it for that later too, haha!

Gas drops:  for the baby!  Teddy was gassy and needed drops before and after eating for weeks...maybe a month or two, I can't remember.  But the first night or two until we figured that out was especially rough.  I don't know why they don't sell them in a bigger bottle though!  But I guess liquid gold is tough to find....

What I want to try:  I tried to do things as cheap as possible.  There are a few things that I'd like to try this time because I think they will be worth my sanity.


Rock N Play:  I have heard awesome stuff about this.  It will fit in our room much better than the PNP or a co-sleeper will.  I know this baby will sleep with us some, but I'd like to encourage some independent sleep too.  My small goal is one nap a day and to start out the night in it.  I was thisclose to buying one for Teddy but by that point was worried he'd reach the weight limit too fast to make it worth it.  I should have anyway because it's gone up about $15 since then.

Ring sling:  I had a cheap pouch sling that DS never fit in/worked with me.  We were both too big.  But a ring sling is adjustable and supposedly great for breastfeeding with free hands.  I don't think I'd want to carry baby around in it for a long period of time just because the weight is not distributed as well as a moby or ergo (or other ergonomic carrier) but a lightweight newborn or for quick breast feeding at the park, sounds like a win.

Udder covers:  I want to try this https://www.uddercovers.com/cart or something like it for this one.  I might make my own.  I like that it pops up and I can see, it is very long and is not as hot (around the shoulders/neck) as other covers.  I've seen a girl use this at church and even an old ordered mennonite use it at the park- and you know she wouldn't be flashing anything.  $35 seems like a lot (why is that the price for so many baby things anyway?!) but it might really be worth having that freedom and peace of mind.  People might stare but at least it won't be because I have to flash them to latch my child.

Infant car seat:  We went straight to a convertible with Teddy due to a long story.  For the most part it was entirely fine.  Turns out he didn't like sleeping in the car anyway and I could easily just wrap him up in the moby when going some place.  Even though he was born in November, I just wrapped him up in a blanket and went from warm building to preheated car (oh how I miss autostart on my car!) so I didn't miss the bunting option.  But I might want one for #2.  I'm still on the fence about it.  I wouldn't put the baby in it for everything.  For example, I am fine carrying the baby from the car to the church.  No one there even keeps baby in it during service.  It would be better for us to have smaller bouncy seats than big clunky car seats.  I don't think it's any easier to carry out baby in a car seat and a diaper bag than it is to just carry baby.  That's no judgement on the girls who do that, just that I did it just fine without it so I wouldn't use it this time for that reason.  But in case it falls asleep on the way to an errand it would be nice to at least have a better chance of not waking it up by getting it out of the car seat. 

Travel system:  I'm debating between a double stroller or a single travel system.  But either way, a more heavy duty stroller for sure and one that an infant car seat attaches to if I go that route.

A better diaper bag:  The boy I babysit's mother has a Skip Hop:  http://www.skiphop.com/category/diaperbagsaccessories.html and I am finding it perfect, especially for a breastfeeder that wouldn't need to bring a bunch of bottles.  Not that my diaper bag was good for that either.  I will happily pay $35-90 for something that will be truly functional and last another child or two!  I still use one for Teddy for church.  For errands I usually bring it in the car but just stuff a diaper, wipes and baggie in my purse.  I have friends with 3 year olds that still use them so yeah, $90 for 6 years of use (3 for this kid, 3 for another) is a steal.

Real nursing bras and more attire:  I used some sleep nursing bras far too much.  I saw a pic of me and Teddy that a friend took and the girls were waaaay too lose, and they were bigger then too.  I bought one underwire nursing bra and it was the only one I used, by that point I used a lot of regular bras too.  He was probably 8 months old.  Yeah, the girls were saggy and loose in public for 8 months and I never even thought about it.  That's going to change.  

Oh, and for the hospital I plan on packing some clothes.  I didn't care about it at the time but looking back, it was kind of embarrassing to be in the hospital gown still and I wasn't wearing a bra (didn't remotely cross my mind) but it was probably noticable to visitors.  I wouldn't buy fancy gowns but I will bring actual clothes.  And I will take that first shower much earlier.  I was worried that it would sting the incision but it was fine.

I think that's everything....

Waiting game

It's killing me waiting until next week for the follow up dating ultrasound.  Most of the time I think my date is right and this baby will catch up just like Teddy did.  Other times I figure the doctor is right and I ovulated way later than I thought and somehow didn't notice.  Then there are the other times....  It takes a lot of self control to not buy a pregnancy test just to make sure it's still there.  I'm still not having lots of symptoms.  I felt pretty nauceas on Monday but it wouldn't have sent me running to buy a test.  Most of the time I am not experiencing any real pregnancy symptoms, just normal stuff.  I remember complaining about that with Teddy too though.  And I am certainly grateful if I'm just having a really easy first trimester (especially since last time the third trimester got so rough).  But this is all so unexpected and I have a tendency to be pessimistic and wait for the other shoe to drop.  I'm probably going to be a wreck until I feel consistent movement, which I don't expect until probably 18-20 weeks this time (was 21 with Teddy).  I keep claiming this baby was a promise from God so everything is ok. 

The planning and worrying about logistics has definitely set in.  I didn't put Teddy in the play pen very much.  He hated the bassinet attachment and preferred the swing and later the bouncy seat or my arms.  It took a very long time for me to get to the point where I felt like he could wait because I was showering or cooking and couldn't step away that second or was trying to mop.  I did definitely confuse the concept of not letting them cry to sleep or self soothe at a young age with not letting them cry at all.  Chances are if I would have left him alone for 2 seconds he would have chilled on his own and gotten distracted with one of the thousand toys he has.  But if I'm not trying to get anything done then my general philosophy is to not put the baby in a container (crib, play pen, swing etc).  I was talking with a friend and she said that #2 will probably have to sit and wait a lot.  I feel like my parenting bubble has been burst.  I'm hoping instead it will be happy to hang out in the moby or a sling a lot and that maybe with the age difference Teddy will be ok with independent play.  He does pretty decent at it now but who knows what it will be like when there's someone else that needs me a lot and depends on me for existence.  I'm debating on getting a double stroller for them.  Still trying to sort out moving.  I change my mind daily as to when my personal deadline for it is.  Right now I'm leaning towards before the birth because I need to know that I can control the noise level in the house and that someone else will not just be tromping through mid-day.  I almost lost my mind last time troubleshooting newborn sleep with that crap.

So, I had a stupid freak out yesterday.  I was playing outside with Teddy and the little boy I watch and came back in to get them cleaned up and start on lunch.  I had sat on our cement stoop while the boys played, but my legs were crossed and not touching anything but each other (not the cement or the grass).  My leg was itching and I scratched it once or twice with a sock covered foot.  But then I didn't really have time to worry about it because they were underfoot and I was trying to make lunch.  When we sat down I looked at it and it was bright red with a bunch of white spots.  I had never seen a rash like that.  It didn't have streaks or anything though.  It was itching really bad at this point, but I had not scratched it in like 15-20 minutes.  I continued to resist the urge to scratch, tried googling some things and calling my mom.  I sent her a text with the pic of it and she thought I should at least call the OB and see what they thought.  It had spread some during all this time.  After we finish lunch I call the OB and talk with the nurse and she thought I should be seen that afternoon even though I asked if it could wait until the next day.  So I arrange for mom to sit at the house during T's nap time and I'll take R with me to the appointment.  Other than that I felt fine.  Well, I've had a sort of fever for awhile.  I keep checking it because it's running higher than I think it should.  The same levels it was when I found out I was pregnant and the doctor said I was still sick with the kidney infection.  I don't feel sick otherwise and my urine looks good.  I'm going to talk to the OB about it on Wednesday because it really confuses me.  I can obviously get really sick with a UTI without any earlier symptoms and when I do have a fever I don't even notice it.  Anyway, so that added to my worry with the rash, I was concerned perhaps they were connected, maybe it was cellulitis (though didn't look like it too much from pics online).  Go figure about 30 minutes after I make all the arrangements the rash totally disappears and I feel fine.  I cancelled the appointment  but I feel so stupid for getting that worried.  Though part of it was because I was watching someone else's child and had back to back nap times coming up and wasn't sure about being able to get in that day and didn't know if a mysterious rash was serious or not.

So, here I wait.  I feel like I can't buy anything yet because we don't know where we're going to live, what gender it is yet, and just the fact that I know from experience that I don't need to start yet.  But it certainly makes it less exciting.  I am determined to not complain so much as I did with Teddy.  I try to think back about being pregnant with him and all I can remember is the scary stuff.  And that's mostly all I blogged about.  Unfortunately there's nothing neat to report right now.  Except that I am super excited to see Teddy as a big brother!  He is doing really great with R.  Right now I am really glad that I have so long to prepare for baby because I am so not ready for it to come out.  Eventually yes, but right now I am very glad it takes a long time to bake.

My life is a mess

but I love it!!

More specifically, Teddy is a mess!!  He's just wild.  He can be really sweet too, but when he wants to move, he's got to move.  When he wants to be a stinker, he is a stinker.  He's just so determined about everything, and so curious. 

And we have definitely entered the terrible 2s.  Tantrum city over everything here.  And it's frustrating for both of us because half the time I have no clue what he's so upset about.  To me it will seem like the smallest thing.  Or I literally don't even know why he's so upset.  And unlike before, ignoring it or distracting him with something else doesn't always work.  It happens more before lunch and nap time so I'm thinking maybe I need to push his nap back some.  But I know most tantrums at this age are due to communication.  And it's so interesting because he can talk a lot, when he wants to, but when he's upset he just screams and cries.  He doesn't try to talk.  I know that's is 100% normal but I also know the best way to get past it is to encourage him to talk to me about what he's upset about, why and to validate his feelings and then explain why he can't do/have that and give him an option that he can have.  It can be nerve wracking to come up with that though when I'm trying to get something done or get out the door and there are definitely times when he doesn't want me near him/in his face when he's mad.  We do have a book about different moods and feelings and he really likes it so I think he's starting to understand that.  I'm just trying to give him the right language skills to express it.  It's got to be so confusing and hard for him!

Mostly though, he's a great kid, just is always on the go!

Oh, and I'm back to never getting pictures anymore because he's obsessed with the camera.  But he's just as cute as ever.

First OB visit

I had my first OB visit on Tuesday, Oct. 8th.  Since I was so early they did an internal ultrasound.  I was only measuring 5w5d when by my ovulation date it should be 7w5d.  We could see a yolk sack and a flicker of a heart beat though so they weren't worried at all.  I'm supposed to go back in 2 weeks for a dating ultrasound so they're not for sure calling it from that one.  It was interesting that they said it was too early to date it because I had always understood the earlier the ultrasound the better at the date, but in this case there wasn't even a fetal pole to measure.

I would totally agree that I probably just ovulated even later than I thought except that I know 99.9% that I ovulated on August 30th and only August 30th.  I was checking my cervical mucus all the other days.  Also, the conception would have occurred around when I was sick puking with my kidney infection.  Due to Doug's work schedule it had been several days since that was possible and then after I was sick it was even longer because I was recovering and then had an awful yeast infection from the antibiotics that did not clear up using an over the counter thing and took even longer to hear back from my doctor about a prescription.  Additionally, it means I found out 7 days past suspected ovulation and 7 days before what would have been the arrival of a missed period, on a dollar store test that was not designed to test early on.  This happened with Teddy too.  At the first ultrasound he measured 10 days behind what I expected and then at the second one a few weeks later he caught back up.  So I'm waiting until the next ultrasound to really rule it out.  At any rate, my estimated due date is May 24th and by their count it's June 7th.

We discussed the possibility of VBAC and as I suspected they're not big fans of it.  Partly because of how the hospital schedules anesthesialogists.  He said that when VBACs go bad they go bad fast and they need anesthesia there right then but they have so few on the schedule that it is impossible to guarantee that and then they'd have to delay any life saving surgery because of that.  He said the number of women with failed VBACs with complications is 1 out of 100, which is pretty darn high.  He said I'd have to be monitored during labor the whole time and would not be able to go late, like be induced or need anything to help contractions etc.  I'm going to do some of my own research too but I knew going with an OB that would be more likely.  And I knew it last time agreeing to one, which I did think was medically necessary.  And who knows, it might be this time as well.  I'm 99% ok with this but am a little disappointed that because my body is so uncooperative, but as long as my baby gets here healthy and I am safe.  It probably also means only 3 kids instead of 4, though age and finances were probably going to restrict that anyway.

Oh, and I did try contacting my old midwife again.  I didn't hear back from her (I suspect e-mail is a bad way to contact her these days since she is much, much busier now) but I am pretty sure the answer would be no since I have a history of high risk pregnancy.  But I still like the idea of natural birth and using a midwife, I am just not a good candidate for that.

So, we'll see what happens on the 24th!

One blessing at a time

Ok, actually I do have a symptom.  I'm pretty emotional and hormonal.  But I would have explained that away to be sure.

Today I was pretty bummed out, most of the day.  When Doug and I decided to try to conceive again we thought it would be months and months and months before success.  Also, I'm not quite sure how but we did the math wrong or were just very naive about the cost of things before we made our decision.  Our car payment is a bit higher than we were hoping as well, but it gets better gas mileage than if we just used the Blazer for Doug's long commute, so that helps some too.  We were expecting a due date after Teddy turned 3.  By that point we hoped to have enough saved up for a down payment on something (we'd love land and a modular) or would be able to rent something for sure.  But this blessing is much earlier than expected.  The reality is that unless we get an awesome deal somewhere we will be living with my father in law for at least another year, perhaps longer because there will be additional costs now.  At this point in time me finding another job outside of the home is not a good option because of the cost of daycare and just the cost on my sanity. 

Not that living with my father in law doesn't cost me sanity either.  Although he is messy and loud and comes home at unpredictable times he does grant us a high amount of privacy.  And he has a nice yard and the sections of the house we use are still bigger than probably anything we could afford to rent.  The location is nice.  You go outside and although you are close to two highways and a subdivision there are all kinds of birds chirping and rabbits hopping.  It feels like you're in the country.  But I miss having my own place.  My own place to decorate, to sprawl out in, to have people over at and not worry about a half naked elderly man walking buy.  I miss going to bed at night and waking up to the same condition the house was in when I last saw it.  My father in law does not sleep well and spends all night snacking and walking from his bedroom to the kitchen.  He makes a bigger mess getting crackers than I do making a whole meal.  The house gets sugar ants bad and somehow he doesn't understand that duh, they're attracted to sugar.  So rinse out your glass of 7 up that you aren't even supposed to be drinking because of your bad kidney function and quit eating cookies for breakfast.

So I spent half the day thinking we were stupid for trying to conceive given the fact that we are now going to have two children and are in my father in law's house still.  I worry that others will judge us, and I was judging myself.  But then I realized that God is the only one that gives life.  We could have decided on our own to try and not had any success for months or years if it wasn't God's timing (as was our experience with Teddy).  And since this is when the baby is meant to be born then it would have happened even if we weren't trying.  

So, I'm going to spend my time being truly thankful for this blessing.  Sure, I would rather have my own place and keep doing the math and it's just not very feasible but if it doesn't happen it won't be the end of the world.  But I believe somehow something will.  And it will just show that nothing is impossible with God.  There might be a mighty financial need, but He's answered that call before and I know He's able.

Symptoms

So, most of the time I don't feel pregnant or any symptoms at all really.  I know that's normal and still to come.  But it's so weird finding out a few weeks later this time versus last time.  When I tested originally in early September, which I guess was too early, I did swear I had some breast tenderness.  But really, aside from that and the overwhelming urge I've had to buy baby things, even before the positive test, I don't have anything.  I honestly wouldn't have tested at all if I hadn't been checking my temps in the morning and new higher temps could be a sign of pregnancy and the doctor had said my urine analysis looked good.  I'm going to be interested in when the symptoms arrive.  At this point I'm half convinced I could probably explain everything away until I felt consistent movement.  I could have wound up on the "I didn't know I was pregnant show" hahaha!

Miracles happen- Baby #2!!!

Ok, this post might be a bit TMI since I'll be talking about signs of ovulation.  If you aren't interested in that, skip to the end.

So, after Doug started his new job we decided to start trying for baby #2.  With Teddy we tried 5 years on our own and ended up using Clomid because I didn't ovulate on my own.  Doug really wanted to wait and try on our own for a few months before consulting the OB for referral to the reproductive endocrinologist.  Knowing my fertility past we figured we'd call in January and most likely wouldn't even begin treatment until February or March and that it could take several rounds of Clomid, assuming that was all that was needed.

Doug was also gone for half of August.  I didn't even bother charting anything, which I probably really should have because I had just come off my birth control pill.  I don't usually have a period on my own so charting can get really difficult when you're not starting right on day 1.  Anyway, I figured it was mostly going to be a wash, but hey, at least I wasn't on bcp (which I hate with a fiery passion).

Here comes the TMI.  On August 30th after using the bathroom I noticed tons of mucus when I wiped.  Not discharge, mucus.  So I checked my cervical mucus and it was really stretchy and clear, looked just like egg whites.  I knew from before that was a very good sign of ovulation.  Doug was still gone but came home the next day.  I knew the timing wasn't great, 24 hours is kind of pushing it and when I checked that morning it wasn't very stretchy at all.

I was excited though.  I really believed I had ovulated on my own, for the first time ever!!!  We had Labor Day services that weekend and they were very powerful.  We had a prayer line on Sunday night and I just knew I had to be in it.

In 2008 I had felt the Lord was promising a child to me.  I had gotten home from work and was listening to a tape of Bro. Branham while folding clothes.  I had paused it earlier to leave for work and when I pressed play it was the prayer line and I usually just skip right past that because I knew God still healed and was more interested in the "meat" of the sermons.  But this time I listened.  I had heard stories of people listening to tapes and being healed, of being in the exact same situation as a person on the tape.  One was of a brother wearing a checkered shirt with paint on it that he had just thrown on last minute and it was in despair he pressed play and heard the words "You, sitting there with the checked shirt with paint on it!"  and the rest, which I can't remember, applied directly to him.  But it had never happened for me before.  That day, the first woman he prayed for was asking to be blessed with a baby.  I'll never forget hearing him discern her desires and how gently and happily he said "Oh, it's a baby!"  I fell instantly to my knees and cried "Behold the handmaid of the Lord, be it unto me as thou hast said."  Which is what Mary told the angel Gabriel when he told her she would be carrying the Messiah.  For some reason I looked at the clock.  Later that day I logged onto facebook and on a religious group page someone had posted that exact same scripture at the exact same time I was saying it.  I really felt like it was meant for me.

Later that year a brother preached and we had a prayer line and finally kicked out my demon of depression.  I had clung to it for far too long.

While in Alaska I was really struck with sermons on Abraham and Sarah.  Bro. Branham mentioned that Sarah would knit little booties, just claiming the promise.  So I decided to buy a baby outfit.  That was much harder than it sounds.  I had no clue the gender or the season it would be born in and in Alaska seasons matter!  I settled on a MVP baseball 3-6 month short sleeve onesie and found out a few weeks later that I was pregnant with Teddy!  At the time, it seemed fine to use medication.  I never felt like God was telling me not to.

This time was different.  I went in the prayer line for healing.  To be made new so that my body would allow me to conceive on it's own.

A few weeks later it was time to test and it came back negative.  So did the next one a few days later.  I figured that was it for this cycle since Doug wasn't home I wasn't too surprised at the answer.  But my period never came.  With the condition I had, polycystic ovarian syndrome, it was not unusual for me not to get a period but not be pregnant either.  I didn't think I was pregnant but I knew I wouldn't ovulate on my own if I didn't get my period.  It made me confused if what I first thought was ovulation was even ovulation at all.  We talked about if we should change our mind on when to call the OB.  I told Doug that I was feeling really conflicted that doing so would be doubting God's promise.  He said, well it's not unless you feel like God promised to heal you.  I said that's exactly what I felt like happened so he said we would just have to wait and claim it and believe in His timing.

Then I got really sick with a kidney infection.  I was puking for 24 hours and had a low fever, I never do either though I have had a few kidney infections before.  After recovery I decided to get serious about doing my temps and charting anyway, even though it would be starting on cycle day 38 instead of 1.  Well, my temps were consistently higher than ever before.  I usually run cool, around 97.5.  I kept getting 98.5, 98.6 etc.  A few days later I got 99, so I called the doctor to get an appointment, assuming that I was sick still and that what I had been seeing was actually me with a low grade fever.

At the appointment he said my urine looked good but he'd check my blood count too.  They were running super behind and I didn't get out of there until 6:30 so I didn't expect an answer on that until Monday or Tuesday.  On the way home I decided to buy a dollar store pregnancy test, just in case that was the reason for the original higher temps.  My mom had been watching Teddy and when she saw me with it I told her "I don't think I am."  Surprise of a life time to see two lines!!!!  I even tested again later because I wanted to be sure!!  I'm still shocked.  Doug and I are totally beside ourselves.

So, I feel like I have the biggest secret ever but I'm waiting until we get an appointment with the OB to tell other people.  I'm hoping that he'll want an ultrasound to date it since I ovulated on day 21 instead of 14 it would affect my estimated due date versus just going by last menstrual period.  But right now I'm going off my ovulation date and saying EDD of May 24th, 2013.  I had wanted a late spring/early summer baby and before Teddy was 3 so this fits that part of my dreams perfectly!  Now we're a little freaked out about finding another vehicle and a place to live, but at least Doug finally agrees with me on moving.

Oh, and the doctor called back, I do still have an infection but I don't care because I'm a walking miracle!!!

All grown up!

Teddy is growing up so much!  There are times when I just look at him and I swear he got bigger while I blinked.  I tell him to "slow down" and "don't look so grown up" all the time now.  He is putting together a lot of two and three word sentences now and talking in first person more, exploring emotions such as "I like it!"  The other night I had to put 4t pajamas on him, so I'm going to have to try out a few things for the fall.  I was trying on a few 3t pants that he had and they were too tight around the waist, same with some of the shorts he has, but not all.  It probably varies by brand or something.

Doug has started working at his store in Staunton.  Right now his schedule is 2pm-12am Wed-Friday and then 7am-5 pm Saturday and Sunday, he has Monday and Tuesday off.  He gets off pretty close to his set time, which is a huge difference from Applebee's.  He hasn't been called in for an extra shift or anything yet.  It will happen at some point but so far things are going very smooth there.  He gets more time with us and the only big downside is that getting home late on Friday and going in early on Saturday and then going straight to church makes for a very long day. 

I started watching a little boy two days a week.  He's such a sweetie and for the most part more low maintence than Teddy.  He's 14 months, so it's a really good compatible age for Teddy.  They love each other!  Teddy asks about him when he's not around, R follows Teddy around.  They have opposite nap schedules which is actually great because I don't have to worry about having both of them the whole day, can give Teddy some individual time, R some individual time and no one wakes the other one up.  And Doug is home for part of the day so he spends some time with Teddy then too.  And it means we can take both of them to the playground and Doug can chase after Teddy.  I think it will be awhile before I can do both of them alone there, Teddy just isn't at the age yet where I can take my eyes off of him or trust him to listen.  Totally normal for this age of course.  I'm so glad that Teddy has a little friend to play with!  That's the main reason I'm doing this.  Whenever I ask someone else I know with kids I get brushed off.  I understand they're busy and so am I, but I do know that they meet up with others so what am I supposed to think but that they'd rather not do it with me/Teddy? 

Planning baby #2 is under way.  August was a wash because Doug was gone so much.  But, I think I actually ovulated on my own for the first time ever.  But now I've had two negative tests and no period so I don't know what to think.  Having PCOS, I'm used to not having a period but I was so hopeful that since I had so many signs of ovulation that my body was going to work right on it's own.  Right now I change my mind pretty often about when to call the OB about Clomid treatments again.  We obviously can't be successful on our own if I'm not ovulating and since I didn't shed a lining I don't expect to ovulate this month anyway...or any other month until that happens, hence the need for medication too.  Logistically, waiting until January would probably be best just because Doug just started this job, I want to lose some more weight, all the co-pays involved with the procedures and appointments and we will hopefully have our own house again at the end of next year which would put us with a young infant or newborn versus a potentially mobile child and moving. 

But I also have conflicting feelings about using medication anyway.  I'm really believing that God is going to heal my body some day and I'll conceive on my own.  I know He has his own timing and it's perfect and that if it wasn't in His will we wouldn't be able to conceive even with medication.  But I worry that doing that is a form of doubting His promise.  Then again, when we're sick in other ways we take medicine.  So for now we're keeping it low stress but eventually I'm going to have to commit to one thought or the other. 

And while I'm typing all of this I am supposed to be thinking more about Teddy's second birthday party!  I'm still in denial though so I'm not getting very far!!

Quick catch up

Loving on the toy kitchen at the Crossroads Farmer's Market

Beep beep!  Honk honk!  My backseat driver.

He loves this hat!

Hugging on Big Pooh Bear



Bounce!!




His creative way of carrying them all around.




Chanelling his Theodore Roosevelt



Little man of the house- taking care of the yard.




I wouldn't let him chug my water bottle....think we're nearing 2?!



Teddy is in to all kinds of things now.  He can open doors and work locks and even dead bolts.  Today in the grocery store after a total melt down he was able to open a juice bottle cap. 

He is saying two and even three word sentences now.  Sunday night on the way home from church he said "I got it" like 1,000 times.  His other favorite sentence is "Oh dear"....guess he hears that a lot or something!

He actually really likes to put things away and clean.  He loves the vacuum and loves to sweep and "mop."  Except now he likes to make a mess so he has something to really clean up!  Tonight he threw his container of peas off the table on purpose and then squealed with delight when I gave him the broom to clean it up.  My intention was that I was trying to explain why we shouldn't make a mess on purpose, because someone has to clean it up.  He likes to help me in the kitchen too.  I hand him a bowl and spoon and tell him to "mix."  I found a play kitchen at Once Upon a Child a few weeks ago for a steal and am so excited to give that to him for his birthday because he fell in love with one at a toy shop.  I'd do it early but it didn't come with hardly any pieces so we're working on that.

One of his favorite games right now is to hide.  And it's pretty awesome for me too because he'll just hide behind a curtain or in his "fort" (turned over pnp with a blanket draped over it) and I can sit on my butt for a few minutes.

He still likes balls and cars, trains etc.  He's obsessed with big kids and bikes.  I really want to get him a balance bike for Christmas.

He is so affectionate.  He loves to give hugs and kisses, especially during eating.  I think it's his way of saying "Thanks for the food Mom!"  He also has a bunch of animals that he has to love on all the time.  A pooh bear in his room, a spare in the play room.  A blue bear head lovey, a froggie for church.  Oh, and a sheep.  And a hippo.  And they all have to be in the crib with him.  And I have to hug and kiss each one before nap and bed time.  Oy.

Speaking of sleep now he's sleeping 9pm-8:30 am.  And napping at 2/2:30 for 1-2 hours.  It's working pretty decent, it's nice not to have 6 am wake up calls any more!!  And he's doing better at church too.  Part of that is age but part of that is definitely because he's not staying up so excessively late compared to his normal bed time.

His favorite place is definitely the playground, we're both partial to the Dream Come True one.  Love hearing him clap and say "Yay!!  Playground!!" when we pull up.

He's doing pretty good with Doug gone training right now.  He asks about him sometimes but understands that we said bye bye to Daddy and will see him in a few days.  We do skype with him each day, though technology doesn't always favor us and images will be distorted and just not worth staying on for very long. 

Oh and he loves to read books, especially before bed now.  He will finally!! sit on my lap, or next to me, and read!  He loves learning animals and noises, shapes, letters and numbers but seems resistant to colors.  He knows the whole alphabet and can count to 10, sometimes more.  He is starting to connect sounds and words from his cards and computer with the alphabet.  He'll babble to himself all the time.  I can't understand a lot of it but then every once in a while I hear "I, Igloo....six."  Hahaha, I have no idea how that makes sense in his little world! 

Oh, and mega blocks!  Loves them!  Also loves knocking them down.  But he also loves putting them away.  He's just so amazing and so fun!!