So this has practically nothing to do with Teddy or the baby but I don't really know what other outlet I can use. Well, actually it does, I'm talking about the type of family I want to give my children.
I think I've hinted before that my family is messed up, for anyone who doesn't know all the details. I can't go into it all here but it's pretty heavy. There's a long history of drug and alcohol abuse and by the grace of God He has kept me from that. My grandmother died in May and she had 9 kids, not counting my mother 4 of them lived in the same state as me. Sadly, I never got to be close to her, really. She was just never very affectionate. She lived 4 hours away and only once did she come and visit us. For a few years before death she had poor health, so of course that makes sense. But growing up, how could it possibly have been harder for her to visit us than it was for my mother to drive 4 kids on no money in a near broken down car to visit them? Once there we were always torn apart between the aunts and uncles. Lord forbid we want to spend time to ourselves. Everything was always tense and it felt like these people were strangers. As a child I always felt a sense of love for them even though they did feel like strangers. I accepted, as children do, that because of blood I should love them. As I got older I noticed personality flaws, quite frankly some of my relatives are total screw ups, most of them jerks and also flat out irresponsible with drinking and pot smoking. There came a time when I began to think to myself "If I weren't related I wouldn't even want to know these people."
We wouldn't get many phone calls or letters. They would frequently miss birthdays and Christmases but then every once in awhile one of the four of us would get a present from one of them. Of course they didn't seem to keep any sort of list to not miss one or not start in the middle of the year and the other kids get missed out on. We just weren't a close family. Even now, I will not find out that one of my aunts has breast cancer or another one is scheduled for surgery tomorrow until my mother puts in a prayer request at church, in which she usually did not know until earlier that day. But they were always close with each other. One of my aunts moved to Florida. She still kept in touch with the other VA family quite well. The non-VA family were the big time 'screw ups.' One stayed in California when the family moved in 1973, she was 16. I still don't know all these stories because they bring up so much pain in my mother and aunt to talk about. But anyway, Mom was also deemed a screwup too (the long back story I'm not fully disclosing) so why bother keeping in touch with her and her bratty children?
Remember when I said I really loved my family even though they said things like that to us and treated us differently? I did. The one aunt I still loved, I suppose since she moved far away I wasn't exposed to personality flaws. Well, in all the election fall out she and her family have just said some very hurtful things to me. Literally to me. Not about the other party or anything, but to me. And yes, not enough for just her, but my 15 year old cousin too. Awesome. And hiding behind the premise that 'I don't know what they go through.' True, I don't. Because no one talks to me. And never has. And my phone calls and e-mails would go unanswered so I don't even try anymore. But I know for sure you're not homeless or starving, so yeah, your life is better than a lot of people. That's fact, it's not my fault you said it wasn't. And I'm not even talking about better than me, but about the fact that there are starving children and yours are not. You should be thankful for that. I am thankful that I have experienced poverty so that I can be thankful for everything I have. Maybe that's the problem.
What hurts is that it shouldn't hurt. It shouldn't hurt that these people that I really don't know and obviously don't care about me have hurt me. It shouldn't hurt worse than anything else out there, but it does. Why should family treat each other that way? I should be able to point out a flaw in an argument without getting my head bit off by. Why can't we all talk to each other? Why do half of my grandmother's kids refuse to talk to the other half? Over things that happened 40 years ago? I hate that my grandmother died knowing her children wouldn't band together upon her death. Knowing that several would refuse to do anything if "that one" comes. And I can't imagine how awful it must hurt to have raised children that do that. I think I would die if my kids hated each other that way.
Right now it's hard for me to talk to my siblings about a lot of things because they're young and doing a lot of stupid things. I don't talk to them a lot so I can be nice and not just yell at them about all the stupid things they're doing. But I don't hate them and I have forgiven them for anything hurtful they have done, I pray they can do the same for me. And I will love them no matter what they do. And I will always believe the best for them. I might not agree with it all and I might not be silent about it all but they will always be my siblings and my first best friends.
If there is one thing I want to be able to accomplish as a mother it is that my children will love each other and learn to be friends. I know it will be difficult some days, if not most. It might not happen until they're adults but I would not be able to stand the division that is in my family.
And it's my only family. I don't know my biological father's side at all and my step-father and his family decided some odd years after the divorce that they didn't want to claim me either. Does anyone know how much it hurts to call a man "Dad" and to accept him even though he left a lot wanting and was immature to suddenly see Dad revoked on a card and it turn into just his name. What is that? But at least I still get a card, at least there's some sign that he cares. Sometimes I just feel so alone. So instead I'm trying to embrace my husband's family, which is quite a pill to swallow sometimes. But at least they all talk to each other. And sadly attempts of making friends into family hasn't worked at all because all of them really do have families that they love and like and there's just no forgetting that you're only a friend.
So my conclusion is that I want my children to know that family is not optional. This is your one and only family. Love them. Always be the one that can see the good in them. Be their cheerleader. Pick them up when they are down. Be their shoulder to cry on. Realize that you're all equal in your Father's sight and in your earthly parents too. I want home to be something worth coming home to.
And hellloooo pregnancy hormones because this has had me sooo upset all last night and all day today and probably all tonight too.
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