So I finally get to meet with a nutritionist tomorrow. Hopefully he/she can give me some more ideas of what to eat. I've been trying not to have to go to the grocery store until then. So far I've had some whole wheat pasta, potatos and even white pasta (with the right serving sizes) and have done well. Even thin crust pizza not so much, though. And last night we went to Burger King. I had a burger without a bun and then onion rings and Mom pursuaded me to have a cookie. I was well with in my allowed carbs, but my BSL was pretty high afterwards! I'm betting it was more to do with the cookie than the onion rings. That makes me sad. I have had Nutty Bars as a snack, because it has peanut butter and good protein to balance out the carbs. I asked the OB at my last appointment and she said if my levels were fine with it then to go for it. Hopefully the nutritionist will agree. It's just nice to have some semi-sweet option out there, and chocolate!
My fasting numbers are still bad. It's nothing I'm doing wrong, though. I've been on insulin since night and for the first few mornings they were worse than before. Previously they were around 108 on average, but then spiked up to 118. I called on Thursday and they said to give it until Monday before coming in to get the levels changed. But I have an appointment on Wednesday, so I'm just going to wait. Also, I did some asking online on thebump.com and a few people suggested it may be "the dawn effect." Meaning that overnight as our bodies produce growth hormones, mine reacts differently and sends out an increase in insulin. The way to check is to look at your numbers overnight, typically after the hours of 3am-8am. Though, I'm usually up until 2 am. I checked at 2:25 am on Thursday and it was 91. That was about 3 hours after my "bedtime" snack, and testing for after meals is supposed to be 2 hours. Meaning, I had already gotten the sugar kick from what I ate as a snack. The next day when I woke up it was 108. So, it clearly went up for no reason, and after taking my insuln dosage. Another check on the Dawn Effect is to eat no carbs as a snack before bed. I did that on Friday. Well, I had a few carbs. I had some roast beef, cheese and a spoonful of peanut butter (so maybe 3g instead of 15). Next morning my number was 108. I forgot to check my BSL overnight last night though. But I think that may be the answer. They'll probably still want to up my insulin though.
As far as the insulin goes, it's not bad. It doesn't hurt and I remind myself that I was lucky to not need to take injection hormones in order to ovulate to get pregnant. There are many women out there who have to do shots like that and are bruised from it. I just can't do it around Doug, he freaks out around needles! The finger pricks aren't bad either. The glucometer that I have hurts a lot less than the standard finger prick at a doctors office. Doug jokes that I could have been a druggie, with how I'm ok sticking myself with needles. Knowing my family history, he's probably right!
So my next appointment is on Wednesday and we'll have a growth ultrasound then too. Doug has to work and Mom is seeing if she can slip over really fast (she works across the street). I guess I'm ok going alone, but it won't be a "fun" ultrasound like the other ones. This one will come with a discussion about how big he is, what's up with the amniotic fluid and what it means for delivery and the rest of pregnancy. I'm hoping they won't push a c-section. I've done some research and even with high fluid and a large baby most things I've read suggest only doing a c-section if when the water breaks the cord prolapses (gets in the way of the baby exiting) or if after labor and pushing he's just too big to get out. But I'm not a doctor and I do trust them. I didn't got he midwife route and was interested in home birthing because I'm anti-doctor. So, if he thinks it's medically necessary and not just that it will be easier and simpler, then I suppose I'll go with it. Though, there's still several weeks to go, and things could change. A lot of times fluid goes down as you get closer to delivery.
So, what's up with Teddy? Supposedly he has standard waking and sleeping cycles. I'm not sure I've noticed that! He has a lot more energy, meaning more powerful kicks. Though soon he'll run out of space and it will mostly just be wiggling (which I already feel a lot). He's almost 4 pounds and will gain around 1/2 a week. He's also almost 17 inches long. Well, these are the averages. We'll know more after Wednesday. Personality wise though, he's such a cutie! He gets excited when we watch sports. He doesn't like it when I stand or sit for too long. He goes pretty crazy during preaching at church too. He's so quiet in the hours before and after, I really think he's saving up his energy then. I'm having a lot more shortness of breath (he's all up in my lungs!) making climbing the stairs and singing difficult. And back pain from my chunky monkey. Even though I haven't really gained any weight since August, my belly has exploded. I'm not really sure where the weight is coming from since I don't seem thinner anywhere else! I"ll ask the OB about it, but I think that's ok from talking with other people.
Ok, enough for now. My ankles swell if I sit for more than 30 minutes, and I'm going to catch a little nap before church. Or maybe clean. All I ever want to do now is sleep! Having this stupid virus doesn't help. And I woke up late so I'll be in a crunch to get a second meal in and test before church. Ugh, I hate that it's so difficult to plan my life around eating. Or plan my eating around life. Either way.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Gestational Diabetes
Woo, finally got the results back on Monday. But, they weren't very good! Here's the break down:
Fasting
Me: 229
3 hour
Cut off: 140
Me: 151
In order to get a diagnosis of GD you must fail 2 of the tests and I clearly failed all 4. Definitely no denying it. Also interesting is that my 2 hour levels went up, not by much, but enough to definitely point out that it's my body that isn't processing things correctly and not just that I'm a junk food addict.
So, since my high finger prick back on August 31st, I've been doing my best to eat a good GD diet as I've been able to find online. It looks like this:
Breakfast: 30g of carbs; 7g of protein; no milk or fruit; should be fairly small
Snack 1: 15g of carbs; eat with protein; no milk or fruit
Lunch: 30-45g; 7g; milk and fruit allowed
Snack 2: 15g; eath with protein
Dinner: 45-60g; 7g; milk and fruit allowed
Snack 3: 15g; eat with protein
So in the real world it looks like this:
Breakfast: 2 slices of whole wheat toast (28g), turkey bacon or eggs
Snack 1: 5 ritz crackers (10g), string cheese, hard boiled egg or lunch meat (I guess I'm just ignoring the listeria factor now)
Lunch: Turkey sandwich with cheese on whole wheat bread (28g), fresh veggies like carrots or broccoli
Snack 2: peanut butter and crackers
Dinner: meat serving (usually chicken), whole wheat pasta or brown rice, 2-3 veggie servings, raw is better
Snack 3: yogurt (which when flavored with fruit is actually 33g)but it seems like I"m not getting enough fruit otherwise
It doesn't sound so hard, but it is hard to be creative, or find something quickly. It also invovles a lot of measuring and making sure that I'm only eating the exact serving of carbs. It's so hard to avoid fruits, but they have sugars which are carbs. Not that I shouldn't have any either. This is why I still need to meet with a nutritionist who will give me better ideas on how to work with my lifestyle.
I also need to get excercise in, though the last few days that's been hard. I've been running around town taking care of errands and doctor appointments! By the time I get home I'm exhausted, my feet are swollen, I'm dehydrated (I need to pack a giant thermos of cold water), usually hungry (need options for snacks on the go) and in pain from my SPD. After Doug gets his pay check I'm going to see what it costs to get a membership at the Wellness Center so I can swim. Of course I don't really have anything to swim in. I guess I'll come up with something for the next few weeks. Definitely not getting a swim dress made when I'm getting larger by the day, it won't last much longer, and by the time it would be done I'd probably be at my due date!
I also need to meet with a nutritionist to learn more about what I can eat. For example, on Weight Watchers, you can save up "points" and then splurge every once in a while, such at church potlucks. But with GD, it's not like I can just fill up on meat and veggies and save all my carbs for a slice of pie. It's not good to have too many at one time and of course the complex carbs are way better than the simple ones. But I honestly don't know if it's just as simple as substituting wheat flour for white and splenda for sugar and then I can have a cupcake. Is it ok if I go over on carbs every once in a while?? I don't know!
I thought I was doing really well until Tuesday night. I couldn't sleep (not too uncommon for this part of pregnancy) and so I was awake and hungry. I had a snack of string cheese at 4:30 am and finally fell asleep around 5 am. At 7:30 am I woke up freezing and shaking. I had to wake Doug up to try to warm me up. They lasted for about 30 minutes and then they seemed to try a few more times. Later that day I looked it up and it said it could be normal, sign of infection or preeclampsia. Well, I didn't want to mess around with the other two and so I called the nurse at my new office. She wanted me to go ahead and come in, thinking it had to do with my sugar levels and that getting started on it all on Wednesday would be better than Friday. So they checked out Teddy, he was doing great. Then gave me prescriptions for a meter and sticks and set up an appointment with a nurse at RMH to educate me on GD. I had read somewhere that often times you can get the meter for free through the hospital so I called to find out if that was so and the lady was so great to me! She said that she'd try to set up an appointment for me this week and would figure out if I should go ahead and get the meter our insurance will want once it goes into effect or a more affordable model. I met with her today, got the meter for free and my lancets and test strips were only about $35 for 100 each at Target. I knew most of everything else she went over, but it was worth it just to get help with the meter and getting it for free!
So, I met with my new Midwife/OB practice: Shenandoah Women's Health Care. It's a huge practie with 6 midwives and 4 OBs. On Wednesday I didn't have to wait very long but today I did- I guess they're busier in the morning. And that's to be expected with a large practice, as was the short appointment. Those were things I really loved about my midwife experience! I think next time around I'll keep this practice. I can start off with midwife care and then go to OB if I develop GD again (good chance, by the way). It was so hard to get all my paperwork over there and now I feel 31 weeks behind everyone else when preparing for a hospital birth. But the OB assured me that next week will get me caught up.
So my appointment today was with Dr. Aamodt, I went to school with his daughter! But I will see all 4 of the OBs before birth. He didn't have much to go on since I hadn't gotten my meter yet. I will test for the rest of today and then all day on Saturday and Sunday and then return on Monday. If my fasting levels are still high then he wants to go ahead and start insulin. Most people go a whole week on the diet and with testing before deciding this but a)I'm a little behind and b) I have been trying to be on the diet so it's unlikely things will change very much and c) you can't do much about your fasting levels.
Also, I will have weekly appointments from now on, and bi-weekly appointments starting at 36 weeks. He did a mini-ultrasound and Teddy is head down! Haha, I couldn't tell if I was feeling a head or a butt down there. Hopefully he will stay that way. We'll have a growth ultrasound next week to do some measurements of him as GD babies tend to be large, and also to measure my amniotic fluid because it looked a little high. So, if my fluid stays high (which it could go down once we get the sugar under control) and/or if Teddy is big for size, they will likely induce me before 40 weeks (around 38 or 39 weeks). Hopefully I can still deliver vaginally though and with out an epidural. We'll see how it goes. I've also read that if I end up on insulin they'll do nonstress tests on the baby weekly, which just monitors his heart rates when he's resting and when he's active. Let me tell you, I'm glad we'll have insurance!
Ooh, and the cost. So, prenatal visits, labor and deliver are only $2550 with them. Well, it was going to be $2500 with my other midwife, so very comparable! The national average by the way is $7,000! They are going to pro-rate it since I wasn't there for the first 31 weeks, but I think with the extra visits at the end it will end up being the same. That doesn't include labs and ultrasounds though. I had my thyroid tested on Wednesday (keeping my same dosage) and then they tested me for Rhogam antibodies today since I'm Rh negative and Doug is Rh positive. I should have had a Rhogam shot a few weeks back but with all the glucose things it never got that far with Misty. Then mini ultrasound today and growth ultrasound next week. I guess they'll probably do another one before birth too, and if I end up needing the nonstress tests then I think that counts as an extra fee too. But all fairly affordable with insurance and Doug's new job at Applebee's!
Oh, and the best news of all: my levels 2 hours after lunch were 105, perfect range! I clearly don't respond well to straight glucose, but as long as my post eating numbers are lower than 120 we're doing good. So we'll see in the morning what my fasting level is like. I feel so much better knowing that I am doing good with the eating then. Who knows, those shakes could have been something else. They seemed more flu related (but way worse) than hunger shakes (which I've had a few times pre-pregnancy) and my throat is a little sore now and things are going around. So the week that started out with fairly bad news can end on a good note. :)
 |
| 32 weeks- as big as house! |
Woo, finally got the results back on Monday. But, they weren't very good! Here's the break down:
Fasting
Cut off: 95
Me: 1081 hour
Cut off: 180
Me: 225
2 hour
Cut off: 160Me: 229
3 hour
Cut off: 140
Me: 151
In order to get a diagnosis of GD you must fail 2 of the tests and I clearly failed all 4. Definitely no denying it. Also interesting is that my 2 hour levels went up, not by much, but enough to definitely point out that it's my body that isn't processing things correctly and not just that I'm a junk food addict.
So, since my high finger prick back on August 31st, I've been doing my best to eat a good GD diet as I've been able to find online. It looks like this:
Breakfast: 30g of carbs; 7g of protein; no milk or fruit; should be fairly small
Snack 1: 15g of carbs; eat with protein; no milk or fruit
Lunch: 30-45g; 7g; milk and fruit allowed
Snack 2: 15g; eath with protein
Dinner: 45-60g; 7g; milk and fruit allowed
Snack 3: 15g; eat with protein
So in the real world it looks like this:
Breakfast: 2 slices of whole wheat toast (28g), turkey bacon or eggs
Snack 1: 5 ritz crackers (10g), string cheese, hard boiled egg or lunch meat (I guess I'm just ignoring the listeria factor now)
Lunch: Turkey sandwich with cheese on whole wheat bread (28g), fresh veggies like carrots or broccoli
Snack 2: peanut butter and crackers
Dinner: meat serving (usually chicken), whole wheat pasta or brown rice, 2-3 veggie servings, raw is better
Snack 3: yogurt (which when flavored with fruit is actually 33g)but it seems like I"m not getting enough fruit otherwise
It doesn't sound so hard, but it is hard to be creative, or find something quickly. It also invovles a lot of measuring and making sure that I'm only eating the exact serving of carbs. It's so hard to avoid fruits, but they have sugars which are carbs. Not that I shouldn't have any either. This is why I still need to meet with a nutritionist who will give me better ideas on how to work with my lifestyle.
I also need to get excercise in, though the last few days that's been hard. I've been running around town taking care of errands and doctor appointments! By the time I get home I'm exhausted, my feet are swollen, I'm dehydrated (I need to pack a giant thermos of cold water), usually hungry (need options for snacks on the go) and in pain from my SPD. After Doug gets his pay check I'm going to see what it costs to get a membership at the Wellness Center so I can swim. Of course I don't really have anything to swim in. I guess I'll come up with something for the next few weeks. Definitely not getting a swim dress made when I'm getting larger by the day, it won't last much longer, and by the time it would be done I'd probably be at my due date!
I also need to meet with a nutritionist to learn more about what I can eat. For example, on Weight Watchers, you can save up "points" and then splurge every once in a while, such at church potlucks. But with GD, it's not like I can just fill up on meat and veggies and save all my carbs for a slice of pie. It's not good to have too many at one time and of course the complex carbs are way better than the simple ones. But I honestly don't know if it's just as simple as substituting wheat flour for white and splenda for sugar and then I can have a cupcake. Is it ok if I go over on carbs every once in a while?? I don't know!
I thought I was doing really well until Tuesday night. I couldn't sleep (not too uncommon for this part of pregnancy) and so I was awake and hungry. I had a snack of string cheese at 4:30 am and finally fell asleep around 5 am. At 7:30 am I woke up freezing and shaking. I had to wake Doug up to try to warm me up. They lasted for about 30 minutes and then they seemed to try a few more times. Later that day I looked it up and it said it could be normal, sign of infection or preeclampsia. Well, I didn't want to mess around with the other two and so I called the nurse at my new office. She wanted me to go ahead and come in, thinking it had to do with my sugar levels and that getting started on it all on Wednesday would be better than Friday. So they checked out Teddy, he was doing great. Then gave me prescriptions for a meter and sticks and set up an appointment with a nurse at RMH to educate me on GD. I had read somewhere that often times you can get the meter for free through the hospital so I called to find out if that was so and the lady was so great to me! She said that she'd try to set up an appointment for me this week and would figure out if I should go ahead and get the meter our insurance will want once it goes into effect or a more affordable model. I met with her today, got the meter for free and my lancets and test strips were only about $35 for 100 each at Target. I knew most of everything else she went over, but it was worth it just to get help with the meter and getting it for free!
So, I met with my new Midwife/OB practice: Shenandoah Women's Health Care. It's a huge practie with 6 midwives and 4 OBs. On Wednesday I didn't have to wait very long but today I did- I guess they're busier in the morning. And that's to be expected with a large practice, as was the short appointment. Those were things I really loved about my midwife experience! I think next time around I'll keep this practice. I can start off with midwife care and then go to OB if I develop GD again (good chance, by the way). It was so hard to get all my paperwork over there and now I feel 31 weeks behind everyone else when preparing for a hospital birth. But the OB assured me that next week will get me caught up.
So my appointment today was with Dr. Aamodt, I went to school with his daughter! But I will see all 4 of the OBs before birth. He didn't have much to go on since I hadn't gotten my meter yet. I will test for the rest of today and then all day on Saturday and Sunday and then return on Monday. If my fasting levels are still high then he wants to go ahead and start insulin. Most people go a whole week on the diet and with testing before deciding this but a)I'm a little behind and b) I have been trying to be on the diet so it's unlikely things will change very much and c) you can't do much about your fasting levels.
Also, I will have weekly appointments from now on, and bi-weekly appointments starting at 36 weeks. He did a mini-ultrasound and Teddy is head down! Haha, I couldn't tell if I was feeling a head or a butt down there. Hopefully he will stay that way. We'll have a growth ultrasound next week to do some measurements of him as GD babies tend to be large, and also to measure my amniotic fluid because it looked a little high. So, if my fluid stays high (which it could go down once we get the sugar under control) and/or if Teddy is big for size, they will likely induce me before 40 weeks (around 38 or 39 weeks). Hopefully I can still deliver vaginally though and with out an epidural. We'll see how it goes. I've also read that if I end up on insulin they'll do nonstress tests on the baby weekly, which just monitors his heart rates when he's resting and when he's active. Let me tell you, I'm glad we'll have insurance!
Ooh, and the cost. So, prenatal visits, labor and deliver are only $2550 with them. Well, it was going to be $2500 with my other midwife, so very comparable! The national average by the way is $7,000! They are going to pro-rate it since I wasn't there for the first 31 weeks, but I think with the extra visits at the end it will end up being the same. That doesn't include labs and ultrasounds though. I had my thyroid tested on Wednesday (keeping my same dosage) and then they tested me for Rhogam antibodies today since I'm Rh negative and Doug is Rh positive. I should have had a Rhogam shot a few weeks back but with all the glucose things it never got that far with Misty. Then mini ultrasound today and growth ultrasound next week. I guess they'll probably do another one before birth too, and if I end up needing the nonstress tests then I think that counts as an extra fee too. But all fairly affordable with insurance and Doug's new job at Applebee's!
Oh, and the best news of all: my levels 2 hours after lunch were 105, perfect range! I clearly don't respond well to straight glucose, but as long as my post eating numbers are lower than 120 we're doing good. So we'll see in the morning what my fasting level is like. I feel so much better knowing that I am doing good with the eating then. Who knows, those shakes could have been something else. They seemed more flu related (but way worse) than hunger shakes (which I've had a few times pre-pregnancy) and my throat is a little sore now and things are going around. So the week that started out with fairly bad news can end on a good note. :)
Friday, September 10, 2010
Still waiting....
At my last appointment I popped up really high on the urine dipstick test for glucose. We then did a finger prick and it was 226, about 1.5-2 hours after eating. I had a bagel, cream cheese and orange juice. Before the dipstick the plan was to do the finger stick and see the level before deciding to move on to the one hour or three hour glucose test. The one hour test has a high false positive rate. For example, my mom failed with each of her pregnancies but passed the three hour one. Even now it will pop high on a finger prick but she'll be fine on the fasting one. I suppose we don't process glucose well or something. There's a possibility that it was so incredibly high by mistake on that one finger. Diabetics report sometimes getting a very inflated number and retesting on a different finger and getting a more normal number. Well, it's doubtful that even with retesting it would have been under 120, which is normal. In the end, high is high and on to a three hour test I went.
We tried calling the lab to find out if I needed to schedule an appointment, the general information says no. So the plan was that I would test last Wednesday. They finally called back Misty that morning and told her that I would need an appointment, so it got pushed back to Thursday.
The test itself wasn't so awful. The drink didn't taste too bad. At the end (10 ounces worth!) it tasted sickeningly sweet, but originally just like super sweet deflated orange soda. The nurse told me not to drink a lot of water right away as it can vomiting. For the next hour or so it didn't sit very well in my stomach, so I was glad for that piece of advice. Teddy seemed to love it though, he was going wild!! The hours passed fairly fast, I ate lunch at Panera bread, went grocery shopping and then went home and rested before revival service. After waking up I felt a little sick and dizzy though. I thought I was ok, and then just kept feeling worse all day Friday. Doug thinks we also ate something weird because he had the same symptoms. It wasn't usual food poisoning though. We were both really dizzy, bad stomach cramps and fatigue. The only thing we ate in common though was some ham I made and a frosty (we shared) from Wendy's. I don't know which is worse, to know that something I made may have made us sick or that frostys could!
Anyway, I'm still waiting on my results. Misty said she hadn't heard anything but I had called the lab on Thursday and they told me they faxed it to her on Friday. She gets her faxes converted to pdf files downloadable on her computer and double checked and she didn't have anything from them. Nothing for me or another client who tested last week. She was supposed to call today to find out what's going on, but I haven't heard from her. I'm getting annoyed. Not with her, but just the situation. I'm prepared for being positive, I'm trying to eat right but it's something that needs to be addressed by the right people, not just me and google. At this point I'm really praying it's negative. Most women test between 24 and 28 weeks and I didn't test until 29 weeks and now I will be 30.5 by the time I get results. I'm sure it doesn't make that much of a difference, but it worries me that I could be harming Teddy! And if I'm positive I should be checking my levels, but that's expensive and I'm not going to buy it unless I really am positive.
So what would gestational diabetes mean? Well, if I can control it via diet and excercise and my fasting numbers are ok then I will not need insulin. It also means that I could keep Misty. If I need insulin I'll need a prescription and would need to find a doctor willing to have Misty continue prenatal care and delivery, if he/she thinks it's medically advisable. This is obviously not ideal. But GD can also mean large babies, so there's an even higher chance of needing extraction help or a c-section. With any birth there's a chance it can't be done vaginally, but this is raises it. A few weeks before my due date I'll get an ultrasound to get an estimate on his size and position. That's standard care for an OB with a GD patient, not sure about midwife but it's something that I think would be good to do. If it just seems crazy to try to deliver him vaginally then knowing a week or two before would be nice rather than laboring and trying to push and then finding out and having to be transported to the hospital etc. Other concerns for unmonitored GD is that there's a chance babies can be born with hypoglycemia, which has to be treated right away, and usually disappears. But no matter what this will be monitored so that's not really a concern. Women with GD are also at a higher chance for pre-eclampsia but very few headaches right now, no swelling since I'm not stuck in a car all day, no protein in my urine, and my blood pressure is ok. So far, so good on that end.
So I was wanting to wait to post until I knew the results but it's been so long. I hope to be able to post good news soon, but now a days gestational diabetes isn't awful, as long as it's being treated. No matter what I'm sure Teddy and I will be ok.
Other than that, my appointment went well. Heart rate in the 150s and my blood pressure was ok. It was a little high, but we think that was just due to some mild dehydration and the fact that it was a new cuff. It wasn't high enough to be alarming, so no worried there.
We tried calling the lab to find out if I needed to schedule an appointment, the general information says no. So the plan was that I would test last Wednesday. They finally called back Misty that morning and told her that I would need an appointment, so it got pushed back to Thursday.
The test itself wasn't so awful. The drink didn't taste too bad. At the end (10 ounces worth!) it tasted sickeningly sweet, but originally just like super sweet deflated orange soda. The nurse told me not to drink a lot of water right away as it can vomiting. For the next hour or so it didn't sit very well in my stomach, so I was glad for that piece of advice. Teddy seemed to love it though, he was going wild!! The hours passed fairly fast, I ate lunch at Panera bread, went grocery shopping and then went home and rested before revival service. After waking up I felt a little sick and dizzy though. I thought I was ok, and then just kept feeling worse all day Friday. Doug thinks we also ate something weird because he had the same symptoms. It wasn't usual food poisoning though. We were both really dizzy, bad stomach cramps and fatigue. The only thing we ate in common though was some ham I made and a frosty (we shared) from Wendy's. I don't know which is worse, to know that something I made may have made us sick or that frostys could!
Anyway, I'm still waiting on my results. Misty said she hadn't heard anything but I had called the lab on Thursday and they told me they faxed it to her on Friday. She gets her faxes converted to pdf files downloadable on her computer and double checked and she didn't have anything from them. Nothing for me or another client who tested last week. She was supposed to call today to find out what's going on, but I haven't heard from her. I'm getting annoyed. Not with her, but just the situation. I'm prepared for being positive, I'm trying to eat right but it's something that needs to be addressed by the right people, not just me and google. At this point I'm really praying it's negative. Most women test between 24 and 28 weeks and I didn't test until 29 weeks and now I will be 30.5 by the time I get results. I'm sure it doesn't make that much of a difference, but it worries me that I could be harming Teddy! And if I'm positive I should be checking my levels, but that's expensive and I'm not going to buy it unless I really am positive.
So what would gestational diabetes mean? Well, if I can control it via diet and excercise and my fasting numbers are ok then I will not need insulin. It also means that I could keep Misty. If I need insulin I'll need a prescription and would need to find a doctor willing to have Misty continue prenatal care and delivery, if he/she thinks it's medically advisable. This is obviously not ideal. But GD can also mean large babies, so there's an even higher chance of needing extraction help or a c-section. With any birth there's a chance it can't be done vaginally, but this is raises it. A few weeks before my due date I'll get an ultrasound to get an estimate on his size and position. That's standard care for an OB with a GD patient, not sure about midwife but it's something that I think would be good to do. If it just seems crazy to try to deliver him vaginally then knowing a week or two before would be nice rather than laboring and trying to push and then finding out and having to be transported to the hospital etc. Other concerns for unmonitored GD is that there's a chance babies can be born with hypoglycemia, which has to be treated right away, and usually disappears. But no matter what this will be monitored so that's not really a concern. Women with GD are also at a higher chance for pre-eclampsia but very few headaches right now, no swelling since I'm not stuck in a car all day, no protein in my urine, and my blood pressure is ok. So far, so good on that end.
So I was wanting to wait to post until I knew the results but it's been so long. I hope to be able to post good news soon, but now a days gestational diabetes isn't awful, as long as it's being treated. No matter what I'm sure Teddy and I will be ok.
Other than that, my appointment went well. Heart rate in the 150s and my blood pressure was ok. It was a little high, but we think that was just due to some mild dehydration and the fact that it was a new cuff. It wasn't high enough to be alarming, so no worried there.
Friday, September 3, 2010
To tell the truth, life has sucked
So I've had it, I'm pulling out all the stops and explaining why I feel justified complaining. On principle I am not against anyone complaining though, I think it's good for people to air things out. Just to warn you, this is going to be looooong! And if you don't want to read about complaining then don't!
So, in May/June of 2009 Doug and I moved to Alaska. We felt like God was calling us, it was decided really spur of the moment. In fact, a fire was practically lit under Doug. One night he's saying "maybe we should go" and the next morning he's up and looking at jobs and cost of living etc. I've never seen him in such a planning mode. He was even offered a better job in Harrisonburg before we left and he turned it down because he was that sure of Alaska. For those that don't know Doug very well, it's all very unlike him. He's hardly very sure of anything, few things get under his skin and he's not a planner.
We didn't know anything about the church there, in fact it was only just before Doug leaving that I was even able to confirm there was a church up there that believed in Bro. Branham. Or rather, that there was, as the information was 2 years old. The next closest one was in Anchorage, about 8 hours away. We were timid, but knew that we would lift the church up no matter its problems. The only way we were not going to the church is if there were doctrinal problems that the leadership espoused/refused to correct. For example, some crazy people twist Bro. Branham's teachings on marriage and divorce into saying that polygamy for men is allowed. Not remotely what the man actually said, taught, believed etc. And if somehow someone was able to prove that is what he said, I know it's not Biblical and that would be the end of the discussion. Doug and I (and most others we know) measure everything in the "Message" with the Bible. We believe the Bible vindicates it as right, not that you just take it because this man said it in the 1950s. We know there's no such thing as a perfect church. Through facebook someone told me that the church in Fairbanks had problems and I asked if she meant doctrinal things and she said no, so we were content with the decision.
At Doug's first service (before I got there) he was really worked on by the Lord. He showed him that he hadn't been very faithful. He put work and friends over Church. There were times when he was unable to come to church for months at a time due to work, and while he was always looking for something else he never had faith to just quit and leave it to God. In short, he was backslidden and he finally was able to admit it. Honestly, it was like a complete turn around in him. I was usually the one saying "we just need to trust God" and now he was finally saying it. It was a nice scenario!
When I got there, I tried finding out some things about the church. I found out that there were actually two churches in Anchorage, one of them affiliated with the church in Fairbanks and one that was pastored by Bro. Flint Take who our pastor had met, recommended meeting up with and even preached in our church in VA (when I was 16). I was told by the Fairbanks crowd that there was no ill blood and that they were actually about an hour apart, so some people just chose the church closest to them. I tried contacting Bro. Takes' wife on facebook. She didn't divulge a lot of information, but said that it wasn't really doctrinal either and that put me more at ease. I was told all sorts of other things. The church had only been around for a few years, later I learned it was around 20+ years and had drastic membership changes frequently.
Around the time we arrived a group from Idaho arrived as well. Initially the church only had a "missionary pastor" and now they were getting a full time pastor. No one remotely alluded to the fact that they were associated with this church in Idaho for 20+ years and sent its offering money to it etc. The new "pastor" even said he wasn't a pastor, he was a missionary. He left frequently to do missionary trips, which initially seemed great. There was this organization they always talked about Worldwide Missionary Outreach (WMO) which handled all the arrangements of the missionary work. Brothers and sisters from many churches would go at once, money was collected, fundraisers etc. When I first asked about it I was told that it was just a loose affiliation between the churches. We found out months later that the church in Idaho started it, and THEN started the other churches. One man, the Fairbanks pastor's brother, was in charge of everything and every decision. To add to this, their father had travelled with Bro. Branham. Initially I was led to believe he was even dead since he wasn't in charge anymore (he's been sick for years but still alive) and also they really exaggerate how well he knew Bro. Branahm.
We also noticed sermons were based on "Bro. Branham told Dad...", and that's when the sermons were actually sermons. More often than not they were simply testimony services, or a convoluted mess of confusion with ministers stating things like "David must have doubted God when he picked up 5 stones instead of just 1 to kill Goliath with." It's not gosepl or anything but Bro. Branham always likened the 5 stones as this: f-a-i-t-h in j-e-s-u-s. 5 fingers around 5 stones. Other statements were things like "Abraham didn't even have the promise of bulls and goats. There weren't even sacrifices." Ok, well Isaac knew what was going on! It was not the first time they had done a sacrifice! One of the ministers was formerly Catholic and always quoted the scripture "God is not slack concerning his promises" and then would preach on how awful we all were and unworthy we are of anything even after accepting grace and God will not forget his promises of destroying the unjust. Well, the context of that scripture is that God will not forget his promises to bless those that serve him. There's a boatload of other scritpures about how permeating God's redemptive love and power are, how we all sin and come short daily but God keeps forgiving. Little things, but it speaks to a larger picture. There was no real leadership that was lead by the Lord.
After a few months the church decided to build a building, as they were renting currently. I was downstairs preparing for my Sunday School lesson when I overheard (since they were right outside my open classroom door) a "deacon" meeting where they said the sign to the church would read: Worldwide Missionary Outreach. Not even the name of the church. The Idaho organization for missionary work was more important than the sovreignty of the church.
Speaking of Sunday School, I was told all I should do is teach them songs and little stories about David & Goliath etc. My students were aged 4-13. I divided the lessons according to age group and had them memorize scripture. I know they have more responsibility at school! I would ask questions about the topic that would have them think etc. All totally appropriate for their ages. A piece of doctrine crucial to our beliefs is that of serpent seed. I was going through Genesis and wrote out a little thing that I was considering saying to the kids about it. I had talked with a few parents privately about what they had told their kids etc. and that's how I came up with it. Nothing graphic, but not telling them it was just a piece of fruit on a tree either. I gave it to the pastor and after 4 weeks of not getting around to it, he finally said I shouldn't teach it because most of the parents didn't even know about it! Excuse me? Who's job is it to teach the parents?! Especially when they had been sitting there for 20 years?! Yes, some of them were newer, but none in the last 5 years, though several of them were in and out of church as they struggled with alcoholism and drug addictions.
It took months to find out all this information. At the same time there was another crowd of "believers" in Fairbanks. They do not believe in pastors or preachers, and were actually members of the church down in Idaho 20 years ago and left it. They were able to enlighten us about some things, but of course tried to convince us of others such as the preaching and a lot of other nonsense.
Unfortuantely before we knew all about them, we were their next door neighbor. The mother of this group had bought an big house and converted it into apartments. They hadn't installed a shower or kitchen sink in our studio apartment (one big room) before her husband had to leave. When we moved in December he was supposed to be back shortly to install them. One month went by and finally Doug got permission to install a kitchen sink. Not only did he not feel comfortable doing the shower, but there was no real place to put it. The husband still wasn't back and couldn't quite remember the layout so he came up with wild ideas as where to put it. In the meantime we used our landlady's shower. This meant daily interaction with her. I also didn't have a kitchen, just a hot plate and microwave and later a full size fridge. The wall between us was so thin we could hear everything she said, but they could never hear us. There would be times when she'd have her adult daughters over and bang on the wall and ask if I wanted to come over, but they could never hear me when I replied. At any rate, I was able to hear quite a few conversations about us and the church that I'm sure they didn't think I could hear.
So I felt like a rag doll being torn. Women at the church were initally very friendly. Once we moved and were finally getting some answers to our questions (sneakily vindicated by the church people once they let their guard down) we started to cool off on our interaction. Then when I became pregnant they simply could not understand that I didn't have the energy to do things daily with them etc. They said that I was lying, they never felt tired at all, never quesy. How it is that 10 different women all had the same story about pregnancy I don't know! Wait, yes I do, they were brainwashed! Seriously, the church was not very nice towards women. I was labeled a bad wife because I didn't get Doug a plate of food at the potlucks. Um, he'd rather pick out his own food! And does it look like he's starving?! I know I'm loud and outspoken and will probably never be a timid and sweet Christian lady like Sis. Connie, but it doesn't mean I'm awful either! I know what the scripture commands of me and I do it.
There was one girl, who I thought was a real good friend. She was actually the one who told me the church had some problems. Her mother-in-law was my landlady (crazy no preacher lady). But she didn't believe that way, just had the misfortune of dealing with the family. So we had some good conversations about things like that. For months she wanted to come to church more but her husband didn't. Then she volunteered to help with the Sunday School class and take the kids under age 5 (sometimes I'd even have 2 year olds in there). The last time I had talked to her about church stuff was in December and I had simply said that Doug and I were noticing greater problems but right now were still just going to lift the church up and she said "maybe that's what we need to do too." She was then travelling through the States and Canada (where she's from) until mid-January, then she did the Sunday School thing. By mid-February Doug and I had learned a lot of things. My landlady had told me that my friend and her husband were arguing a lot about the church and I thought it was because of me, so I wanted to let her know that my feelings had changed. By this point we were getting uneasy with it all. We even had a conversation about what we would do if we had a baby, we would not want him/her raised in that situation. We basically came to a decision on March 11th to leave the church if the pastor wasn't willing to line up with scripture, and low and behold, we found out I was pregnant on March 12th. Doug thinks that once he finally recognized God's calling for his life, God blessed us.
Anyway, I tell my friend and she has done a complete 180. Instead of being skeptic of the church, but not rejecting it, she became it's biggest fan. She told me how wrong we were to think of leaving (at the time we were just sure about leaving the church not about moving). Then came all sorts of other information. Suddenly it turns out that all the women at the church disliked me and only talked to me to try to make me more like them. I actually believe her on this because she really values honesty and had no problem telling me all the problems I had. She claims it wasn't just to injure me. I never tested her theory and told her where she was wrong at though. Doug had some meetings with the pastor, and I gave up Sunday School teaching. All the girls who had been talking to me called me once and then stopped talking to me. Then, the women who had never talked to me were suddenly inviting me out to lunch daily and writing on my facebook wall. The girl who suddenly had a vendetta against me, and crazylady's family were dropping by my apartment unannounced daily. I had no peace, everyone wanted me to give up my beliefs and trying their best with quotes to boot about how wrong I was.
It got even more ugly. I was a bad wife and reproach on Doug. They assumed since our relationship wasn't like theirs (built on fear) that I was dominating. Doug is the most stubborn man in the whole world. There is no way I could dominate him or force him to do a thing. God knew exactly what I neeed in a husband. And if I do say so myself, God knew that Doug needed a woman who would test him and prod him out of his stubborness. For the first time in our marriage I was definitely completely submitting to him! He would tell me word for word what to say to these girls, how to reply to their e-mails and facebook messages, phone calls, when they show up at the house etc. We were stronger than we had ever been, united on our beliefs that they were not able to change.
We tried to be considerate of the situation. Aside from my one "friend" I told no one about our feelings, that we'd be leaving church/moving etc. The main reason being is that so many of the people came from horrible situations. Even the ones still struggling with drugs and alcohol, this church was the grounding thing in their life. For someone to come and tell them that the way it is preached and practiced around them and then us high tell it out of there and abandon them would probably have just sent them back out in the world. God has predestined seeds out there that will be ripened in their own time. Surprisingly many of them do study the Bible and the Message and somehow don't see how their "church" has formed a demonination headed by one man. We prayed about it a lot and felt like it wasn't our role to try to correct those things. The Spirit will lead them. It was so hard as they were all asking what was going on, it was hard not to throw it in their face how wrong they were every time they called me a name. And it was so hard to leave my darling Sunday school kids behind!
The pastor offered to build us a house on the new "church land" where they were building houses for everyone else, just so we wouldn't leave. By the way, they do that in Idaho too. The men all work for the pastor (in both places), often out of state and go on missionary trips and the women are alone on the commune with the kids and taking care of the house. The families often have to file for bankrupcy and/or the women have to work so the men can go out on the missionary field.
It got so bad that at the very end we chose to stay with non-church friends for 2 weeks before leaving the state. That way no one church-related would know when we were leaving and there would be no last minute effort to get us to stay since they didn't know where they lived. It also meant we didn't have to pay rent, but being able to leave with out fear of them showing up at our door again was a nice perk too.
Mentally, I'm so exhausted and fragile from it all. Am I a bad wife? Am I a bad Christian? Were they right? Was it really right to just leave them? What will happen to my Sunday School kids? Will they ever know the truth? I was so close to being decieved. It seemed like such a great place at first. It seemed like I finally fit in. Their missionary work seemed so genuine and right. Before leving Bro. Ron said that he trusted us to make good decisions, he didn't think we'd be caught up in anything bad and that I have a good head on my shoulders, not easily to be decieved. But I doubt myself all the time now. I have no confidence left in my decision making. It such a close call and it would have been so much easier to just give in and not fight against them.
Admidst all of the church drama, I had friend drama. Our friend that we grew up with in VA and is in the army was based in Fairbanks. We didn't move there for him, though he kept thinking that for a long time. We were so close he called me his sister and he was definitely more of a brother to me than my real brothers. He came back from Iraq in September and definitely had some PTSD issues which he kept denying. Worse yet he is Mormon and decided to try to convert us for months. For years we've got along fine noticing the similarities and differences in our faiths without a problem. Suddenly he was bent on trying to convert us and poke holes in our faith. He's always been a bit superior but it went over the top then. He became a total jerk to all of his friends on top of this conversion thing. At one point he had stopped speaking to me for nearly 2 months! We finally got it straight in January but then he was engaged and not spending time around any of his old friends anyway. Right after this stress ended is when the church stuff really stepped it up a notch.
Then there was the 2 week drive across country. I tried to make it sound easier than it was. Our nephew was a complete wreck. Turns out in the last year things have been bad at his house. He's tried to commit suicide and cuts himself often to deal with the pressure. I made it through Canada with him driving like a maniac but finally lost it when he said he thought the Christians in Iran deserved to be persecuted and killed because they were stupid to convert when they knew the law (he's supposedly atheist). My ankles were swelling most of the time and it was kind of painful. By the time we arrived at each hotel it was late at night and we were exhausted, and then off early in the morning to sit in the car again. When we visited Chris there was drama as well. I hope someday he'll take responsibility for his own life! Visiting family was fun but still stressful, especially after the Chris incident involved my cousin and then the next day I saw my grandparents, cousin, aunt & uncle.
Oh, and there's homework. I've been behind all along. I barely caught up in time before the end of last semester and I hope I can do it again this semester. Then next semester I'll be giving birth. I have to keep going to not only graduate on time, but also because we need the financial aid money and need to put off paying back Sallie Mae. It's practically like my job, but not near enough pay and I don't have the benefit of daycare.
Now we're in Doug's dad's basement and it sucks too. Before leaving I was told that Doug and his dad would reach an agreement. We'd pay certain bills (since we don't want to just give him $). I thought that' we'd all co-exist together. Instead I get the feeling that I'm unwelcome upstairs. I fear that I"ll never be able to have anyone over, unless I want to entertain in my bedroom! The upstairs is a mess and really needs to be cleaned. The antiques need to be gone through and rearranged. But I can't do that at all. I feel like I don't have a space in here at all for me. Even the nursery is pathetic. A concrete floor, a panelboard ceiling without insulation, concrete walls, a door to the garage, no windows and no closet. I feel like a loser living in their parents basement.
Speaking of loser people in basements, my mom is dating one. My whole family is torn apart and only getting worse every year. I can barely speak to Chris since I won't tolerate his blame game. Cindy and I get along ok now, but only in limited doses and now she's busy with work, school, boyfriend and in general we don't have much in common. I don't know Jeffrey at all anymore. There's a man out there I call Dad, who WAS my step-dad but signs his name on cards by his first name. I guess he wasn't the best, but he did the best he could. I've barely talked to him in a year and haven't seen him since leaving Alaska. I have no idea if he wants to be involved in Teddy's life or not, or what to call him. He has a 3 year old, I doubt he wants to be "grandpa." What do we call his wife? She's sweet and I've always liked her but would she be "grandma?" My grandmother may die soon but I don't know when I'll get to see her. Standing hurts, sitting hurts, walking hurts. I don't think I'm up for a 4 hour drive, with out Doug because I'm sure he'll be working, staying with family and travelling with my sister and/or mother to see her in the next few weeks before it gets too late to travel. There are other screw ups in my family and I just worry so much about Teddy turning out like them.
Doug still doesn't have a job. He's had interviews but stupid Rockingham County hasn't signed off on his background check for Applebee's yet and if it takes much longer I think he'll lose his running. We don't know what type of schedule he could have, or the pay. It would be 36k-40k a year, which is great. But depending on how much insurance is, we may still be short every month. If he doesn't get it and gets the Taco Bell job then we'd still need help. And of course there's the chance he gets neither and we really need him to get something soon! No one else can afford to support us, we have no family that we can turn to for help.
And I'm stressed out. And I'm so worried about how the stress is affecting the baby. I mean if something would be wrong with him it would be all my fault for having my life be such a screw up. And he deserves the best and all I can give him is a concrete room in his grandpa's basement in a house that may be torn down soon (though not likely). Aside from everything mom's bought, which includes a few items I don't want to use like a drop side crib), we've got nothing for him. And we won't be able to afford much, we've got to come up with $2400 for the birth in the next 7 weeks, and that's only if we're able to have him at home, which may not be a possibility if I have gestational diabetes which is a high possibility. I don't think I'm getting a shower. Mom said she'll get her 2 friends from church, that she barely talks to anymore, to help her, but I'll believe that when I see it. I love her and all, but throughout my life she's forgotten events or key things like even a camera to remember them. I'm sure by the time she has a chance to plan a shower he'll be 6 months old.
It's not that I want the gifts that bad. I mean, babies only need so much and I'm sure we can find plenty things used. But it's the fact that I don't really have any friends and that's what makes the whole Alaksa experience hurt even more, because I thought I finally had some great friends who had time to be around me. Cassie has barely had time for me since she started college, and definitely not now with one kid and another on the way. I barely talked to her in AK, and kept in touch with everyone else even less. Everyone else has their group of friends that I can't seem to break into. It's practically impossible now. Once Teddy's born I won't be able to go out without him, and that could be weird with the single girls. All the married with kids couples don't seem to like us. One of the many reasons we decided to go to Bro. Mike Walls church for a little bit. We just have felt like we just don' fit in. I don't even know what to talk about when trying to make conversation with people who already have friends. I don't do a lot of shopping, or watching movies, listening to music, or even reading for fun now. No one wants to hear me go on and on about history an even I like a break from it. Most of the guys just want to talk about sports or hunting around Doug and he doesn't do a lot of either, so he feels left out too. Doug's my best friend, and that's ok, but geesh, sometimes I wish there was a girl I could talk to! Especially one at my church who doesn't look at me like I have 3 eyes if I talk about my faith. Considering Doug's dad acts like I shouldn't even be in the kitchen it seems like having people over is not a possibility.
That hasn't even touched the SPD pain. When I can just loaf around the house it's bearable. I can do a little bit of something and then lay down. But today was horrible. Up early for the 3 hour glucose test, then quick lunch. Then grocery shopping, nap, dinner, shower, church. And I felt awful from 3 pm on. I haven't gotten to drink enough water and if I sit for more than an hour my feet swell up like balloons. And now I'm worried about the stupid gestational diabetes thing.
When I decided to take that Clomid round in February, things seemed great. Doug had a good job, I was able to stay at home and just started classes again for grad school. We weren't entirely sure about the church, but hadn't come to the conclusion to leave, let alone leave the state. We had plans to build a small cabin in the next year. And now we're starting all over again. It took a lot to swallow our pride and come back knowing most people must be eating it up and laughing at our choice to leave in the first place. I wish I could just redo it all.
So basically, excuse me if I complain. Has anyone else gone through this? No? Ok, then. Shut up. It's not the same as a 16 year old who is 38 weeks pregnant complaining about the heat in late August. Am I complaining about the heat? No, I could, but I'm not. I'm complaining about being behind on pregnancy things, no hope to catch up, and being traumatically scared by the whole Alaska crap. Oh, and I don't say all this to people when they ask about it because they're just looking for a quick answer. So I say, "It was good, we like home better." That doesn't get sympathy or validation. Here's something that does, "I have cancer." People are able to pay attention long enough and know exactly what the problem is and exactly how to respond. Not so much in my case, it doesn't mean that I"m not in a crappy situation. Especially when as I said, if there was something wrong with him it's my fault because I've been too stressed out. I'm not asking for anyone to fix anything, but for the love of God, quit acting like all pregnant women should just smile through the millions of aches and pains. And even if I can do that, I'm only human and can only do so much and am beyond my breaking point of dealing with other crap. Most of the girls I know can rely on family for loads of stuff. They can buy land from them, rent a house from them, they're better off financially than they are should a need arise, they communicate with them (my mom barely talks to me now), are available for childcare and just overall support. I don't have that at all. I don't have a friend I can just call up and vent it all too. The most I have is to post on facebook and here and hope someone reads my cry for help. So before judging "whiney" people maybe others should consider how blessed their lives are and that some people really do have it bad.
So, in May/June of 2009 Doug and I moved to Alaska. We felt like God was calling us, it was decided really spur of the moment. In fact, a fire was practically lit under Doug. One night he's saying "maybe we should go" and the next morning he's up and looking at jobs and cost of living etc. I've never seen him in such a planning mode. He was even offered a better job in Harrisonburg before we left and he turned it down because he was that sure of Alaska. For those that don't know Doug very well, it's all very unlike him. He's hardly very sure of anything, few things get under his skin and he's not a planner.
We didn't know anything about the church there, in fact it was only just before Doug leaving that I was even able to confirm there was a church up there that believed in Bro. Branham. Or rather, that there was, as the information was 2 years old. The next closest one was in Anchorage, about 8 hours away. We were timid, but knew that we would lift the church up no matter its problems. The only way we were not going to the church is if there were doctrinal problems that the leadership espoused/refused to correct. For example, some crazy people twist Bro. Branham's teachings on marriage and divorce into saying that polygamy for men is allowed. Not remotely what the man actually said, taught, believed etc. And if somehow someone was able to prove that is what he said, I know it's not Biblical and that would be the end of the discussion. Doug and I (and most others we know) measure everything in the "Message" with the Bible. We believe the Bible vindicates it as right, not that you just take it because this man said it in the 1950s. We know there's no such thing as a perfect church. Through facebook someone told me that the church in Fairbanks had problems and I asked if she meant doctrinal things and she said no, so we were content with the decision.
At Doug's first service (before I got there) he was really worked on by the Lord. He showed him that he hadn't been very faithful. He put work and friends over Church. There were times when he was unable to come to church for months at a time due to work, and while he was always looking for something else he never had faith to just quit and leave it to God. In short, he was backslidden and he finally was able to admit it. Honestly, it was like a complete turn around in him. I was usually the one saying "we just need to trust God" and now he was finally saying it. It was a nice scenario!
When I got there, I tried finding out some things about the church. I found out that there were actually two churches in Anchorage, one of them affiliated with the church in Fairbanks and one that was pastored by Bro. Flint Take who our pastor had met, recommended meeting up with and even preached in our church in VA (when I was 16). I was told by the Fairbanks crowd that there was no ill blood and that they were actually about an hour apart, so some people just chose the church closest to them. I tried contacting Bro. Takes' wife on facebook. She didn't divulge a lot of information, but said that it wasn't really doctrinal either and that put me more at ease. I was told all sorts of other things. The church had only been around for a few years, later I learned it was around 20+ years and had drastic membership changes frequently.
Around the time we arrived a group from Idaho arrived as well. Initially the church only had a "missionary pastor" and now they were getting a full time pastor. No one remotely alluded to the fact that they were associated with this church in Idaho for 20+ years and sent its offering money to it etc. The new "pastor" even said he wasn't a pastor, he was a missionary. He left frequently to do missionary trips, which initially seemed great. There was this organization they always talked about Worldwide Missionary Outreach (WMO) which handled all the arrangements of the missionary work. Brothers and sisters from many churches would go at once, money was collected, fundraisers etc. When I first asked about it I was told that it was just a loose affiliation between the churches. We found out months later that the church in Idaho started it, and THEN started the other churches. One man, the Fairbanks pastor's brother, was in charge of everything and every decision. To add to this, their father had travelled with Bro. Branham. Initially I was led to believe he was even dead since he wasn't in charge anymore (he's been sick for years but still alive) and also they really exaggerate how well he knew Bro. Branahm.
We also noticed sermons were based on "Bro. Branham told Dad...", and that's when the sermons were actually sermons. More often than not they were simply testimony services, or a convoluted mess of confusion with ministers stating things like "David must have doubted God when he picked up 5 stones instead of just 1 to kill Goliath with." It's not gosepl or anything but Bro. Branham always likened the 5 stones as this: f-a-i-t-h in j-e-s-u-s. 5 fingers around 5 stones. Other statements were things like "Abraham didn't even have the promise of bulls and goats. There weren't even sacrifices." Ok, well Isaac knew what was going on! It was not the first time they had done a sacrifice! One of the ministers was formerly Catholic and always quoted the scripture "God is not slack concerning his promises" and then would preach on how awful we all were and unworthy we are of anything even after accepting grace and God will not forget his promises of destroying the unjust. Well, the context of that scripture is that God will not forget his promises to bless those that serve him. There's a boatload of other scritpures about how permeating God's redemptive love and power are, how we all sin and come short daily but God keeps forgiving. Little things, but it speaks to a larger picture. There was no real leadership that was lead by the Lord.
After a few months the church decided to build a building, as they were renting currently. I was downstairs preparing for my Sunday School lesson when I overheard (since they were right outside my open classroom door) a "deacon" meeting where they said the sign to the church would read: Worldwide Missionary Outreach. Not even the name of the church. The Idaho organization for missionary work was more important than the sovreignty of the church.
Speaking of Sunday School, I was told all I should do is teach them songs and little stories about David & Goliath etc. My students were aged 4-13. I divided the lessons according to age group and had them memorize scripture. I know they have more responsibility at school! I would ask questions about the topic that would have them think etc. All totally appropriate for their ages. A piece of doctrine crucial to our beliefs is that of serpent seed. I was going through Genesis and wrote out a little thing that I was considering saying to the kids about it. I had talked with a few parents privately about what they had told their kids etc. and that's how I came up with it. Nothing graphic, but not telling them it was just a piece of fruit on a tree either. I gave it to the pastor and after 4 weeks of not getting around to it, he finally said I shouldn't teach it because most of the parents didn't even know about it! Excuse me? Who's job is it to teach the parents?! Especially when they had been sitting there for 20 years?! Yes, some of them were newer, but none in the last 5 years, though several of them were in and out of church as they struggled with alcoholism and drug addictions.
It took months to find out all this information. At the same time there was another crowd of "believers" in Fairbanks. They do not believe in pastors or preachers, and were actually members of the church down in Idaho 20 years ago and left it. They were able to enlighten us about some things, but of course tried to convince us of others such as the preaching and a lot of other nonsense.
Unfortuantely before we knew all about them, we were their next door neighbor. The mother of this group had bought an big house and converted it into apartments. They hadn't installed a shower or kitchen sink in our studio apartment (one big room) before her husband had to leave. When we moved in December he was supposed to be back shortly to install them. One month went by and finally Doug got permission to install a kitchen sink. Not only did he not feel comfortable doing the shower, but there was no real place to put it. The husband still wasn't back and couldn't quite remember the layout so he came up with wild ideas as where to put it. In the meantime we used our landlady's shower. This meant daily interaction with her. I also didn't have a kitchen, just a hot plate and microwave and later a full size fridge. The wall between us was so thin we could hear everything she said, but they could never hear us. There would be times when she'd have her adult daughters over and bang on the wall and ask if I wanted to come over, but they could never hear me when I replied. At any rate, I was able to hear quite a few conversations about us and the church that I'm sure they didn't think I could hear.
So I felt like a rag doll being torn. Women at the church were initally very friendly. Once we moved and were finally getting some answers to our questions (sneakily vindicated by the church people once they let their guard down) we started to cool off on our interaction. Then when I became pregnant they simply could not understand that I didn't have the energy to do things daily with them etc. They said that I was lying, they never felt tired at all, never quesy. How it is that 10 different women all had the same story about pregnancy I don't know! Wait, yes I do, they were brainwashed! Seriously, the church was not very nice towards women. I was labeled a bad wife because I didn't get Doug a plate of food at the potlucks. Um, he'd rather pick out his own food! And does it look like he's starving?! I know I'm loud and outspoken and will probably never be a timid and sweet Christian lady like Sis. Connie, but it doesn't mean I'm awful either! I know what the scripture commands of me and I do it.
There was one girl, who I thought was a real good friend. She was actually the one who told me the church had some problems. Her mother-in-law was my landlady (crazy no preacher lady). But she didn't believe that way, just had the misfortune of dealing with the family. So we had some good conversations about things like that. For months she wanted to come to church more but her husband didn't. Then she volunteered to help with the Sunday School class and take the kids under age 5 (sometimes I'd even have 2 year olds in there). The last time I had talked to her about church stuff was in December and I had simply said that Doug and I were noticing greater problems but right now were still just going to lift the church up and she said "maybe that's what we need to do too." She was then travelling through the States and Canada (where she's from) until mid-January, then she did the Sunday School thing. By mid-February Doug and I had learned a lot of things. My landlady had told me that my friend and her husband were arguing a lot about the church and I thought it was because of me, so I wanted to let her know that my feelings had changed. By this point we were getting uneasy with it all. We even had a conversation about what we would do if we had a baby, we would not want him/her raised in that situation. We basically came to a decision on March 11th to leave the church if the pastor wasn't willing to line up with scripture, and low and behold, we found out I was pregnant on March 12th. Doug thinks that once he finally recognized God's calling for his life, God blessed us.
Anyway, I tell my friend and she has done a complete 180. Instead of being skeptic of the church, but not rejecting it, she became it's biggest fan. She told me how wrong we were to think of leaving (at the time we were just sure about leaving the church not about moving). Then came all sorts of other information. Suddenly it turns out that all the women at the church disliked me and only talked to me to try to make me more like them. I actually believe her on this because she really values honesty and had no problem telling me all the problems I had. She claims it wasn't just to injure me. I never tested her theory and told her where she was wrong at though. Doug had some meetings with the pastor, and I gave up Sunday School teaching. All the girls who had been talking to me called me once and then stopped talking to me. Then, the women who had never talked to me were suddenly inviting me out to lunch daily and writing on my facebook wall. The girl who suddenly had a vendetta against me, and crazylady's family were dropping by my apartment unannounced daily. I had no peace, everyone wanted me to give up my beliefs and trying their best with quotes to boot about how wrong I was.
It got even more ugly. I was a bad wife and reproach on Doug. They assumed since our relationship wasn't like theirs (built on fear) that I was dominating. Doug is the most stubborn man in the whole world. There is no way I could dominate him or force him to do a thing. God knew exactly what I neeed in a husband. And if I do say so myself, God knew that Doug needed a woman who would test him and prod him out of his stubborness. For the first time in our marriage I was definitely completely submitting to him! He would tell me word for word what to say to these girls, how to reply to their e-mails and facebook messages, phone calls, when they show up at the house etc. We were stronger than we had ever been, united on our beliefs that they were not able to change.
We tried to be considerate of the situation. Aside from my one "friend" I told no one about our feelings, that we'd be leaving church/moving etc. The main reason being is that so many of the people came from horrible situations. Even the ones still struggling with drugs and alcohol, this church was the grounding thing in their life. For someone to come and tell them that the way it is preached and practiced around them and then us high tell it out of there and abandon them would probably have just sent them back out in the world. God has predestined seeds out there that will be ripened in their own time. Surprisingly many of them do study the Bible and the Message and somehow don't see how their "church" has formed a demonination headed by one man. We prayed about it a lot and felt like it wasn't our role to try to correct those things. The Spirit will lead them. It was so hard as they were all asking what was going on, it was hard not to throw it in their face how wrong they were every time they called me a name. And it was so hard to leave my darling Sunday school kids behind!
The pastor offered to build us a house on the new "church land" where they were building houses for everyone else, just so we wouldn't leave. By the way, they do that in Idaho too. The men all work for the pastor (in both places), often out of state and go on missionary trips and the women are alone on the commune with the kids and taking care of the house. The families often have to file for bankrupcy and/or the women have to work so the men can go out on the missionary field.
It got so bad that at the very end we chose to stay with non-church friends for 2 weeks before leaving the state. That way no one church-related would know when we were leaving and there would be no last minute effort to get us to stay since they didn't know where they lived. It also meant we didn't have to pay rent, but being able to leave with out fear of them showing up at our door again was a nice perk too.
Mentally, I'm so exhausted and fragile from it all. Am I a bad wife? Am I a bad Christian? Were they right? Was it really right to just leave them? What will happen to my Sunday School kids? Will they ever know the truth? I was so close to being decieved. It seemed like such a great place at first. It seemed like I finally fit in. Their missionary work seemed so genuine and right. Before leving Bro. Ron said that he trusted us to make good decisions, he didn't think we'd be caught up in anything bad and that I have a good head on my shoulders, not easily to be decieved. But I doubt myself all the time now. I have no confidence left in my decision making. It such a close call and it would have been so much easier to just give in and not fight against them.
Admidst all of the church drama, I had friend drama. Our friend that we grew up with in VA and is in the army was based in Fairbanks. We didn't move there for him, though he kept thinking that for a long time. We were so close he called me his sister and he was definitely more of a brother to me than my real brothers. He came back from Iraq in September and definitely had some PTSD issues which he kept denying. Worse yet he is Mormon and decided to try to convert us for months. For years we've got along fine noticing the similarities and differences in our faiths without a problem. Suddenly he was bent on trying to convert us and poke holes in our faith. He's always been a bit superior but it went over the top then. He became a total jerk to all of his friends on top of this conversion thing. At one point he had stopped speaking to me for nearly 2 months! We finally got it straight in January but then he was engaged and not spending time around any of his old friends anyway. Right after this stress ended is when the church stuff really stepped it up a notch.
Then there was the 2 week drive across country. I tried to make it sound easier than it was. Our nephew was a complete wreck. Turns out in the last year things have been bad at his house. He's tried to commit suicide and cuts himself often to deal with the pressure. I made it through Canada with him driving like a maniac but finally lost it when he said he thought the Christians in Iran deserved to be persecuted and killed because they were stupid to convert when they knew the law (he's supposedly atheist). My ankles were swelling most of the time and it was kind of painful. By the time we arrived at each hotel it was late at night and we were exhausted, and then off early in the morning to sit in the car again. When we visited Chris there was drama as well. I hope someday he'll take responsibility for his own life! Visiting family was fun but still stressful, especially after the Chris incident involved my cousin and then the next day I saw my grandparents, cousin, aunt & uncle.
Oh, and there's homework. I've been behind all along. I barely caught up in time before the end of last semester and I hope I can do it again this semester. Then next semester I'll be giving birth. I have to keep going to not only graduate on time, but also because we need the financial aid money and need to put off paying back Sallie Mae. It's practically like my job, but not near enough pay and I don't have the benefit of daycare.
Now we're in Doug's dad's basement and it sucks too. Before leaving I was told that Doug and his dad would reach an agreement. We'd pay certain bills (since we don't want to just give him $). I thought that' we'd all co-exist together. Instead I get the feeling that I'm unwelcome upstairs. I fear that I"ll never be able to have anyone over, unless I want to entertain in my bedroom! The upstairs is a mess and really needs to be cleaned. The antiques need to be gone through and rearranged. But I can't do that at all. I feel like I don't have a space in here at all for me. Even the nursery is pathetic. A concrete floor, a panelboard ceiling without insulation, concrete walls, a door to the garage, no windows and no closet. I feel like a loser living in their parents basement.
Speaking of loser people in basements, my mom is dating one. My whole family is torn apart and only getting worse every year. I can barely speak to Chris since I won't tolerate his blame game. Cindy and I get along ok now, but only in limited doses and now she's busy with work, school, boyfriend and in general we don't have much in common. I don't know Jeffrey at all anymore. There's a man out there I call Dad, who WAS my step-dad but signs his name on cards by his first name. I guess he wasn't the best, but he did the best he could. I've barely talked to him in a year and haven't seen him since leaving Alaska. I have no idea if he wants to be involved in Teddy's life or not, or what to call him. He has a 3 year old, I doubt he wants to be "grandpa." What do we call his wife? She's sweet and I've always liked her but would she be "grandma?" My grandmother may die soon but I don't know when I'll get to see her. Standing hurts, sitting hurts, walking hurts. I don't think I'm up for a 4 hour drive, with out Doug because I'm sure he'll be working, staying with family and travelling with my sister and/or mother to see her in the next few weeks before it gets too late to travel. There are other screw ups in my family and I just worry so much about Teddy turning out like them.
Doug still doesn't have a job. He's had interviews but stupid Rockingham County hasn't signed off on his background check for Applebee's yet and if it takes much longer I think he'll lose his running. We don't know what type of schedule he could have, or the pay. It would be 36k-40k a year, which is great. But depending on how much insurance is, we may still be short every month. If he doesn't get it and gets the Taco Bell job then we'd still need help. And of course there's the chance he gets neither and we really need him to get something soon! No one else can afford to support us, we have no family that we can turn to for help.
And I'm stressed out. And I'm so worried about how the stress is affecting the baby. I mean if something would be wrong with him it would be all my fault for having my life be such a screw up. And he deserves the best and all I can give him is a concrete room in his grandpa's basement in a house that may be torn down soon (though not likely). Aside from everything mom's bought, which includes a few items I don't want to use like a drop side crib), we've got nothing for him. And we won't be able to afford much, we've got to come up with $2400 for the birth in the next 7 weeks, and that's only if we're able to have him at home, which may not be a possibility if I have gestational diabetes which is a high possibility. I don't think I'm getting a shower. Mom said she'll get her 2 friends from church, that she barely talks to anymore, to help her, but I'll believe that when I see it. I love her and all, but throughout my life she's forgotten events or key things like even a camera to remember them. I'm sure by the time she has a chance to plan a shower he'll be 6 months old.
It's not that I want the gifts that bad. I mean, babies only need so much and I'm sure we can find plenty things used. But it's the fact that I don't really have any friends and that's what makes the whole Alaksa experience hurt even more, because I thought I finally had some great friends who had time to be around me. Cassie has barely had time for me since she started college, and definitely not now with one kid and another on the way. I barely talked to her in AK, and kept in touch with everyone else even less. Everyone else has their group of friends that I can't seem to break into. It's practically impossible now. Once Teddy's born I won't be able to go out without him, and that could be weird with the single girls. All the married with kids couples don't seem to like us. One of the many reasons we decided to go to Bro. Mike Walls church for a little bit. We just have felt like we just don' fit in. I don't even know what to talk about when trying to make conversation with people who already have friends. I don't do a lot of shopping, or watching movies, listening to music, or even reading for fun now. No one wants to hear me go on and on about history an even I like a break from it. Most of the guys just want to talk about sports or hunting around Doug and he doesn't do a lot of either, so he feels left out too. Doug's my best friend, and that's ok, but geesh, sometimes I wish there was a girl I could talk to! Especially one at my church who doesn't look at me like I have 3 eyes if I talk about my faith. Considering Doug's dad acts like I shouldn't even be in the kitchen it seems like having people over is not a possibility.
That hasn't even touched the SPD pain. When I can just loaf around the house it's bearable. I can do a little bit of something and then lay down. But today was horrible. Up early for the 3 hour glucose test, then quick lunch. Then grocery shopping, nap, dinner, shower, church. And I felt awful from 3 pm on. I haven't gotten to drink enough water and if I sit for more than an hour my feet swell up like balloons. And now I'm worried about the stupid gestational diabetes thing.
When I decided to take that Clomid round in February, things seemed great. Doug had a good job, I was able to stay at home and just started classes again for grad school. We weren't entirely sure about the church, but hadn't come to the conclusion to leave, let alone leave the state. We had plans to build a small cabin in the next year. And now we're starting all over again. It took a lot to swallow our pride and come back knowing most people must be eating it up and laughing at our choice to leave in the first place. I wish I could just redo it all.
So basically, excuse me if I complain. Has anyone else gone through this? No? Ok, then. Shut up. It's not the same as a 16 year old who is 38 weeks pregnant complaining about the heat in late August. Am I complaining about the heat? No, I could, but I'm not. I'm complaining about being behind on pregnancy things, no hope to catch up, and being traumatically scared by the whole Alaska crap. Oh, and I don't say all this to people when they ask about it because they're just looking for a quick answer. So I say, "It was good, we like home better." That doesn't get sympathy or validation. Here's something that does, "I have cancer." People are able to pay attention long enough and know exactly what the problem is and exactly how to respond. Not so much in my case, it doesn't mean that I"m not in a crappy situation. Especially when as I said, if there was something wrong with him it's my fault because I've been too stressed out. I'm not asking for anyone to fix anything, but for the love of God, quit acting like all pregnant women should just smile through the millions of aches and pains. And even if I can do that, I'm only human and can only do so much and am beyond my breaking point of dealing with other crap. Most of the girls I know can rely on family for loads of stuff. They can buy land from them, rent a house from them, they're better off financially than they are should a need arise, they communicate with them (my mom barely talks to me now), are available for childcare and just overall support. I don't have that at all. I don't have a friend I can just call up and vent it all too. The most I have is to post on facebook and here and hope someone reads my cry for help. So before judging "whiney" people maybe others should consider how blessed their lives are and that some people really do have it bad.
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