For weeks now I've been complaining about having chills. I'll just get so cold! I'll layer myself up and wrap myself up in my robe and a blanket and not even want to move. I avoid errands now because it means cold outside, I don't even want to open my refrigerator if I'm not for sure reaching for the milk or something. I'm totally short changing Teddy about outside play and I hate it.
I've also had a lot of urinary urgency. It will suddenly feel like I have a full 8 pound baby bouncing on my bladder and I have to run to the restroom. A lot of times there's not much in there. I'm sure I'm not drinking enough or before this, peeing enough, so that probably isn't helping. I went to walk in hours at my general physician's office and they did a urinalysis and sent it off for culture and started me on antibiotics in the meantime. Culture came back negative so I was to stop antibiotics. I said I was still having symptoms and more by then including burning with urination and they told me to follow up with my OB. By this point it was a Thursday and they said if it wasn't better by Monday to call again and come in. Well, the burning with urination started to come and go, it wasn't constant. So most of that week went by and things were ok. Over the weekend I started having bladder pain and cramping. The next week I had my 12 week appointment and they said my urinalysis was fine and they didn't want to culture it. And that as long as the pain came and went it was fine.
That was a Tuesday. On Saturday afternoon around 3:45, I was woken from my nap with the most intense awful pain in my mid-back I've ever had in my whole life. Worse than anything I could imagine and I never ever want to experience it again. And it was terrifying. I kept trying to move to get comfortable and when that didn't work I instantly recognized it was my kidneys since I've had so many kidney infections. But this was so much worse. The pain lasted for 10 minutes and I frantically called my mom and Doug, my sister and my brother trying to get ahold of someone that could come help me because Teddy was due to wake up and I was in such pain I just wanted to die. I was crying and trying to not scream from the pain, I could barely talk. Finally the pain subsided and I was able to get to him and then my mom came over. Over the next few hours the pain was at a constant 6-7 out of 10 and then I'd get stabbing pains up to a 9. After Doug got off work I called the OB on call for my practice. He only talked to me for a few seconds, said it could be a kidney stone or infection and if I didn't think I could make it until Monday to go to the ER. Well, I wanted a bit more guidance than that. ER visits are expensive after all and from what I understand the general treatment for a kidney stone is just some pain medication and lots of fluids. So we called the nurse line for our insurance and she talked with me for about 12 minutes. After explaining the whole history and the current situation she really thought it was a kidney stone too and that of course it's always better safe than sorry when you're pregnant.
So we got there around 8:30 and didn't leave until 1. They did a bladder and kidney ultrasound and didn't see a stone. My urinalysis didn't look too bad they said but they decided to culture it. I still haven't heard back on that. They sent me home and apparently the OB on call said that it sounded like normal pregnancy stuff to him. No. Not normal at all. At all. I know where my kidneys are. I know where my bladder is. I know the baby is too little to cause this sort of pain. My ankles and knees hurt when I go down the stairs sometimes. That is normal because you produce more relaxin during pregnancy. Having such awful kidney pain that you want to die, is not normal. And I have a long history of problems with UTIs and kidney infections.
I am not going to follow up with the OB until my pcp which has handled all the other infections and knows all about my history tells me I need to. I feel like everyone else is blowing me off. I was supposed to see him yesterday but it had to be moved until tomorrow. And in the mean time my kidneys are still hurting around a 6 but no more shooting pain there. Last night I was having a lot of stabbing and shooting pain in my bladder and even urethra. And yes, I know it's my urethra and not my cervix, again not that it would matter because baby only weighs an ounce.
But, at the ER they did an ultrasound on the baby. Looking great and measuring a week ahead of OB's date and much closer to mine. So I'm more convinced than ever that my date is right and that maybe it's measuring a few days behind. So, there, I was right! So basically, I'm 14 weeks today instead of only 13. Or, according to my date 14w3d but I'll spot them the 3 days.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
2 year stats and 12 week appointment
Teddy had his 2 year check up last week. He measured at 34 pounds and 35 inches. 95% for weight and 75% for height. I might try measuring him again, he didn't stand still the best. The doctor thought he was going to be in a higher percentile just from looking at him. I can never remember the head but it was 75% as well. He is on track for everything and even ahead in a lot of places. He hated the shots and I asked for them to a blood draw to check his iron level. He hated that big time. His iron came back fine. I was just worried because for several weeks he was sleeping 12-13 hours at night and then sleeping 2-2.5 hours during the day but would still ask to sleep a lot and had dark circles under his eyes. He didn't have any nasal symptoms so we ruled out allergies. But all is well. He had a bad cold this weekend and was super grumpy but is much better today.
Baby's check up was today! Heartbeat measured at 150. Teddy measured around 130 at this point and according to old wive's tales boys measure below 140 and girls measure above. We'll see, I'm still about 2 months away from finding out the gender. I have decided I do want to find out the gender. We will be thrilled either way. On one hand I would like to experience a girl eventually. We want 3 or 4 kids, if everything goes well with my future pregnancies and deliveries and I can get pregnant so easily again. Of course if I never have a girl that's ok. Doug really thinks this one is a girl and says he really wants another boy too. He claims he will go until we have 10 kids to get another boy. Yeah, good luck convincing the person who has to grow them of that, buddy!! Anyway, a boy now would be great too because we already have all the clothes!
They didn't measure my fundal height today. I was hoping they would because when I do it at the house (pretty sure I'm doing it right) I'm measuring 14 cm. I was hoping that would be enough for them to think "hmm...let's do another ultrasound" and then baby would have caught up to my expected due date. I was told we'd do one at 10 weeks for dating purposes, that they like that time the best. But at the 8 week one to check for heartbeat they never mentioned it. Teddy measured 10 days behind and then caught up at the 8 week one. This one measured 12 days behind and didn't catch up. But I wonder if it would be different after just another week or two. When there's more things to measure than just a blob.
Not that it really matters. Honestly, the later date would probably be better in terms of us getting things together. It would just be a matter of pride that my date was correct, that I knew what was going on with my body. I don't know, I guess I might have ovulated while I was puking my guts out, I wasn't exactly checking for signs during those 3-4 days. It's just all so weird. That I ovulated on my own at all. And then that it would have been after I thought it had been? What was what I experienced earlier then?
I think we've decided to stay with FIL for another year and probably remodel the unfinished part of the basement. Right now we moved our bed out of the big open room in the basement to what was the furnace/storage room. Except it's burning me up at night and since there isn't any partition between the furnace and us (aside from junk hidden behind a curtain) it's kind of noisy too. Just noisy enough to keep me from falling back to sleep if I wake up to pee or am dealing with insomnia (which is happening a lot!) This would get us out of that room and we could put in a finished bathroom instead of hiking upstairs. We're just in the planning stage, we probably wouldn't start until February after Doug gets his first bonus. And that will allow me some time to be sure it's what I want. FIL has been gone hunting for weeks now (comes back for a day or two and goes again) so it's been really nice but I might have forgotten what a pain it is when he's here.
Financially it makes the most sense. I just need to hold on another year or two-- or get a full time job that can somehow pay for two kids in full time childcare and have money leftover. Not going to hold my breath for that to happen. And honestly, I don't want it to. If we didn't have this option, we would have done something for us to be able to afford our own place to live, even if it was tiny. But I am fully aware that I am choosing this lifestyle. It comes with a price. If I want to be home with my kids then even if Doug were making $100,000 a year I wouldn't be spending it on a bunch of luxuries. But even on his current salary we can make ends meet if I lower my expectations of my lifestyle. It means renting or living with family (again, NOT for free, but still a little cheaper). It means frugal meals (but still healthy!) It means very few presents. It means older vehicles. Less or no eating out. No times out with friends, but times in can be nice. Very few or no product parties. No manicures, no massages, no fancy phones, no photo sessions, no camera, no new clothes or shoes and if so definitely clearance or second hand and only if truly a need. We down graded from our iphones. If we had our own place we definitely wouldn't have cable and probably would cut out internet too but FIL wants them and he pays for them. We're mindful of our trips to town and to friend's houses to save on gas. And you won't hear me complain about this lifestyle that I'm choosing to live. I just wish others that do live outside their means wouldn't then complain when they think they still don't have enough and think that they deserve to have that before other people have basic needs met and that them living outside their means is someone else's (namely the government's) fault. And they certainly don't need to loudly proclaim how "bad" they have it on facebook and then throw a giant fit when someone shows them how blessed they are.
But if all goes well in about a year Doug will be general manager of his store and will be making a lot (to us) more. And I'm still thinking about finishing my master's. I definitely want to do it eventually. It's just a matter of, should I do it when the kids are little or should I wait until my youngest is a bit more independent? If I can teach even a few classes online a year I can pay off what I owe in loans and put some aside for kids college and retirement. But all those are 'maybes' and we have certainly learned that maybes don't always work out and to not put much faith in them. Living for today, we are blessed. We have plenty of food, shelter, clothes and love. We are blessed beyond measure.
Baby's check up was today! Heartbeat measured at 150. Teddy measured around 130 at this point and according to old wive's tales boys measure below 140 and girls measure above. We'll see, I'm still about 2 months away from finding out the gender. I have decided I do want to find out the gender. We will be thrilled either way. On one hand I would like to experience a girl eventually. We want 3 or 4 kids, if everything goes well with my future pregnancies and deliveries and I can get pregnant so easily again. Of course if I never have a girl that's ok. Doug really thinks this one is a girl and says he really wants another boy too. He claims he will go until we have 10 kids to get another boy. Yeah, good luck convincing the person who has to grow them of that, buddy!! Anyway, a boy now would be great too because we already have all the clothes!
They didn't measure my fundal height today. I was hoping they would because when I do it at the house (pretty sure I'm doing it right) I'm measuring 14 cm. I was hoping that would be enough for them to think "hmm...let's do another ultrasound" and then baby would have caught up to my expected due date. I was told we'd do one at 10 weeks for dating purposes, that they like that time the best. But at the 8 week one to check for heartbeat they never mentioned it. Teddy measured 10 days behind and then caught up at the 8 week one. This one measured 12 days behind and didn't catch up. But I wonder if it would be different after just another week or two. When there's more things to measure than just a blob.
Not that it really matters. Honestly, the later date would probably be better in terms of us getting things together. It would just be a matter of pride that my date was correct, that I knew what was going on with my body. I don't know, I guess I might have ovulated while I was puking my guts out, I wasn't exactly checking for signs during those 3-4 days. It's just all so weird. That I ovulated on my own at all. And then that it would have been after I thought it had been? What was what I experienced earlier then?
I think we've decided to stay with FIL for another year and probably remodel the unfinished part of the basement. Right now we moved our bed out of the big open room in the basement to what was the furnace/storage room. Except it's burning me up at night and since there isn't any partition between the furnace and us (aside from junk hidden behind a curtain) it's kind of noisy too. Just noisy enough to keep me from falling back to sleep if I wake up to pee or am dealing with insomnia (which is happening a lot!) This would get us out of that room and we could put in a finished bathroom instead of hiking upstairs. We're just in the planning stage, we probably wouldn't start until February after Doug gets his first bonus. And that will allow me some time to be sure it's what I want. FIL has been gone hunting for weeks now (comes back for a day or two and goes again) so it's been really nice but I might have forgotten what a pain it is when he's here.
Financially it makes the most sense. I just need to hold on another year or two-- or get a full time job that can somehow pay for two kids in full time childcare and have money leftover. Not going to hold my breath for that to happen. And honestly, I don't want it to. If we didn't have this option, we would have done something for us to be able to afford our own place to live, even if it was tiny. But I am fully aware that I am choosing this lifestyle. It comes with a price. If I want to be home with my kids then even if Doug were making $100,000 a year I wouldn't be spending it on a bunch of luxuries. But even on his current salary we can make ends meet if I lower my expectations of my lifestyle. It means renting or living with family (again, NOT for free, but still a little cheaper). It means frugal meals (but still healthy!) It means very few presents. It means older vehicles. Less or no eating out. No times out with friends, but times in can be nice. Very few or no product parties. No manicures, no massages, no fancy phones, no photo sessions, no camera, no new clothes or shoes and if so definitely clearance or second hand and only if truly a need. We down graded from our iphones. If we had our own place we definitely wouldn't have cable and probably would cut out internet too but FIL wants them and he pays for them. We're mindful of our trips to town and to friend's houses to save on gas. And you won't hear me complain about this lifestyle that I'm choosing to live. I just wish others that do live outside their means wouldn't then complain when they think they still don't have enough and think that they deserve to have that before other people have basic needs met and that them living outside their means is someone else's (namely the government's) fault. And they certainly don't need to loudly proclaim how "bad" they have it on facebook and then throw a giant fit when someone shows them how blessed they are.
But if all goes well in about a year Doug will be general manager of his store and will be making a lot (to us) more. And I'm still thinking about finishing my master's. I definitely want to do it eventually. It's just a matter of, should I do it when the kids are little or should I wait until my youngest is a bit more independent? If I can teach even a few classes online a year I can pay off what I owe in loans and put some aside for kids college and retirement. But all those are 'maybes' and we have certainly learned that maybes don't always work out and to not put much faith in them. Living for today, we are blessed. We have plenty of food, shelter, clothes and love. We are blessed beyond measure.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Teddy is 2!!!
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| Freshly cleaned off and cuddling with mommy |
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| One year old! |
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| Almost 2 and cheesing for the camera. |
I don't brag about him too much because I don't want to put pressure on him later in life, set myself up to think that all my children will be this way or make it sound like I'm putting others down. But really, he is soo stinking smart. Which is mostly a good thing, but not always, haha! He has known the whole alphabet for months, knows numbers, can count to 10 and even 20 with help. He has whole books and songs memorized. He can speak in 4 word sentences already. And he has an excellent memory. He will remember weeks later that a friend came over and will ask about them and want to see them again. He is so determined and wants to do so much on his own, and most of the time can. I tend to just sit back and see if he can do it on his own before interfering. If he's struggling or seems upset I ask "Do you want help?" With discipline I try to see what he's going to do before I say no to him. For example, the church choir practices in the fellowship hall. He's been obsessed with opening and closing doors for about a year now. He will wander all over the hall and get close to the door. For a few weeks we had some issues with him wanting to open it, or wanting to wander out when one of the other kids opened it. But honestly, after only reprimanding him a few times now he doesn't try it anymore. He will get close to it, just walking by but doesn't run to it and try to open it. I like that he has confidence to walk by temptation and not cave in. And last weekend in the church nursery he went over towards the microwave (which is at his height and he always wants to open the door, press the buttons etc.) and didn't touch it. I had my head turned for a second but I was told that he looked at it and then me for a second and walked on. Sooo great!!
I will have official stats tomorrow after his check up.
His birthday party was on Saturday, November 10th. It was originally planned for Monday the 12th but Doug's work schedule got changed due to the hurricane. Surprisingly, that actually meant less people could come. But it worked out decently because it was crowded when we were all in one room.
He was so blessed with presents! Grandma especially got him quite a few things including a pop up tent and the food and dishes to go with his kitchen that we bought him. We got him a kitchen from Once Upon a Child for $20 and some Melissa and Doug puzzles. One is modes of transportations complete with noises and the other is farm animals. He also got clothes, lots of books, a dancing lion, a mini Thomas the train ramp, a cool flashlight, a new dump truck (made in the US of recycled products), a mini tow truck, coloring books, a chalkboard. I know I'm forgetting a few things but the list is upstairs and I'm tired. He's really enjoying them all. I might put a few things away to pull out over the months because I'm cheap like that instead of buying presents year round as he gets bored with what he has.
It was supposed to be barnyard theme but Doug didn't think we should take down FIL's pictures and stuff so we could fully decorate. So aside from the invitations and handed out toy tractors, I don't think anyone had a clue. I served popcorn chicken. I almost went with a Chick-fil-a tray because they're sooo good but these were very tasty (from Sharp Shopper and I splurged and deep fried instead of baking) and way cheaper. Also served pigs in a blanket, macaroni and cheese baked in muffin tins which were perfect for tiny hands, veggie tray, fruit tray, chips and dip. Dessert was home made cupcakes, both vanilla and chocolate with homemade buttercream vanilla frosting. And homemade rice krispie treats. I offered juice and milk including strawberry or chocolate flavorings for the kids but I think all of them went with juice. I don't think anyone got a picture of the food or the desserts etc. But we did manage to get pictures of him blowing out the candle this year versus last year so that works for me.
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| Inspecting his kitchen before guests arrive |
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| Hanging out for a few minutes before we started chowing down. All the kids loved the balloons! |
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| Getting ready to blow! |
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| He blew it out! He knows candles are hot and not to touch so I thought he'd be afraid of it but he did great! |
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| Micah agrees the cupcake is good! |
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| Cousin Kayla liked it too! Poor Noah is feeling left out! |
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| Eating some ice cream to go with it. |
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| Worked up a thirst! Big boy knows to use 2 hands for cups now! |
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| Love this one! It took a couple of tries to get the post cupcake face. |
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| Opening presents. |
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
What is family?
So this has practically nothing to do with Teddy or the baby but I don't really know what other outlet I can use. Well, actually it does, I'm talking about the type of family I want to give my children.
I think I've hinted before that my family is messed up, for anyone who doesn't know all the details. I can't go into it all here but it's pretty heavy. There's a long history of drug and alcohol abuse and by the grace of God He has kept me from that. My grandmother died in May and she had 9 kids, not counting my mother 4 of them lived in the same state as me. Sadly, I never got to be close to her, really. She was just never very affectionate. She lived 4 hours away and only once did she come and visit us. For a few years before death she had poor health, so of course that makes sense. But growing up, how could it possibly have been harder for her to visit us than it was for my mother to drive 4 kids on no money in a near broken down car to visit them? Once there we were always torn apart between the aunts and uncles. Lord forbid we want to spend time to ourselves. Everything was always tense and it felt like these people were strangers. As a child I always felt a sense of love for them even though they did feel like strangers. I accepted, as children do, that because of blood I should love them. As I got older I noticed personality flaws, quite frankly some of my relatives are total screw ups, most of them jerks and also flat out irresponsible with drinking and pot smoking. There came a time when I began to think to myself "If I weren't related I wouldn't even want to know these people."
We wouldn't get many phone calls or letters. They would frequently miss birthdays and Christmases but then every once in awhile one of the four of us would get a present from one of them. Of course they didn't seem to keep any sort of list to not miss one or not start in the middle of the year and the other kids get missed out on. We just weren't a close family. Even now, I will not find out that one of my aunts has breast cancer or another one is scheduled for surgery tomorrow until my mother puts in a prayer request at church, in which she usually did not know until earlier that day. But they were always close with each other. One of my aunts moved to Florida. She still kept in touch with the other VA family quite well. The non-VA family were the big time 'screw ups.' One stayed in California when the family moved in 1973, she was 16. I still don't know all these stories because they bring up so much pain in my mother and aunt to talk about. But anyway, Mom was also deemed a screwup too (the long back story I'm not fully disclosing) so why bother keeping in touch with her and her bratty children?
Remember when I said I really loved my family even though they said things like that to us and treated us differently? I did. The one aunt I still loved, I suppose since she moved far away I wasn't exposed to personality flaws. Well, in all the election fall out she and her family have just said some very hurtful things to me. Literally to me. Not about the other party or anything, but to me. And yes, not enough for just her, but my 15 year old cousin too. Awesome. And hiding behind the premise that 'I don't know what they go through.' True, I don't. Because no one talks to me. And never has. And my phone calls and e-mails would go unanswered so I don't even try anymore. But I know for sure you're not homeless or starving, so yeah, your life is better than a lot of people. That's fact, it's not my fault you said it wasn't. And I'm not even talking about better than me, but about the fact that there are starving children and yours are not. You should be thankful for that. I am thankful that I have experienced poverty so that I can be thankful for everything I have. Maybe that's the problem.
What hurts is that it shouldn't hurt. It shouldn't hurt that these people that I really don't know and obviously don't care about me have hurt me. It shouldn't hurt worse than anything else out there, but it does. Why should family treat each other that way? I should be able to point out a flaw in an argument without getting my head bit off by. Why can't we all talk to each other? Why do half of my grandmother's kids refuse to talk to the other half? Over things that happened 40 years ago? I hate that my grandmother died knowing her children wouldn't band together upon her death. Knowing that several would refuse to do anything if "that one" comes. And I can't imagine how awful it must hurt to have raised children that do that. I think I would die if my kids hated each other that way.
Right now it's hard for me to talk to my siblings about a lot of things because they're young and doing a lot of stupid things. I don't talk to them a lot so I can be nice and not just yell at them about all the stupid things they're doing. But I don't hate them and I have forgiven them for anything hurtful they have done, I pray they can do the same for me. And I will love them no matter what they do. And I will always believe the best for them. I might not agree with it all and I might not be silent about it all but they will always be my siblings and my first best friends.
If there is one thing I want to be able to accomplish as a mother it is that my children will love each other and learn to be friends. I know it will be difficult some days, if not most. It might not happen until they're adults but I would not be able to stand the division that is in my family.
And it's my only family. I don't know my biological father's side at all and my step-father and his family decided some odd years after the divorce that they didn't want to claim me either. Does anyone know how much it hurts to call a man "Dad" and to accept him even though he left a lot wanting and was immature to suddenly see Dad revoked on a card and it turn into just his name. What is that? But at least I still get a card, at least there's some sign that he cares. Sometimes I just feel so alone. So instead I'm trying to embrace my husband's family, which is quite a pill to swallow sometimes. But at least they all talk to each other. And sadly attempts of making friends into family hasn't worked at all because all of them really do have families that they love and like and there's just no forgetting that you're only a friend.
So my conclusion is that I want my children to know that family is not optional. This is your one and only family. Love them. Always be the one that can see the good in them. Be their cheerleader. Pick them up when they are down. Be their shoulder to cry on. Realize that you're all equal in your Father's sight and in your earthly parents too. I want home to be something worth coming home to.
And hellloooo pregnancy hormones because this has had me sooo upset all last night and all day today and probably all tonight too.
I think I've hinted before that my family is messed up, for anyone who doesn't know all the details. I can't go into it all here but it's pretty heavy. There's a long history of drug and alcohol abuse and by the grace of God He has kept me from that. My grandmother died in May and she had 9 kids, not counting my mother 4 of them lived in the same state as me. Sadly, I never got to be close to her, really. She was just never very affectionate. She lived 4 hours away and only once did she come and visit us. For a few years before death she had poor health, so of course that makes sense. But growing up, how could it possibly have been harder for her to visit us than it was for my mother to drive 4 kids on no money in a near broken down car to visit them? Once there we were always torn apart between the aunts and uncles. Lord forbid we want to spend time to ourselves. Everything was always tense and it felt like these people were strangers. As a child I always felt a sense of love for them even though they did feel like strangers. I accepted, as children do, that because of blood I should love them. As I got older I noticed personality flaws, quite frankly some of my relatives are total screw ups, most of them jerks and also flat out irresponsible with drinking and pot smoking. There came a time when I began to think to myself "If I weren't related I wouldn't even want to know these people."
We wouldn't get many phone calls or letters. They would frequently miss birthdays and Christmases but then every once in awhile one of the four of us would get a present from one of them. Of course they didn't seem to keep any sort of list to not miss one or not start in the middle of the year and the other kids get missed out on. We just weren't a close family. Even now, I will not find out that one of my aunts has breast cancer or another one is scheduled for surgery tomorrow until my mother puts in a prayer request at church, in which she usually did not know until earlier that day. But they were always close with each other. One of my aunts moved to Florida. She still kept in touch with the other VA family quite well. The non-VA family were the big time 'screw ups.' One stayed in California when the family moved in 1973, she was 16. I still don't know all these stories because they bring up so much pain in my mother and aunt to talk about. But anyway, Mom was also deemed a screwup too (the long back story I'm not fully disclosing) so why bother keeping in touch with her and her bratty children?
Remember when I said I really loved my family even though they said things like that to us and treated us differently? I did. The one aunt I still loved, I suppose since she moved far away I wasn't exposed to personality flaws. Well, in all the election fall out she and her family have just said some very hurtful things to me. Literally to me. Not about the other party or anything, but to me. And yes, not enough for just her, but my 15 year old cousin too. Awesome. And hiding behind the premise that 'I don't know what they go through.' True, I don't. Because no one talks to me. And never has. And my phone calls and e-mails would go unanswered so I don't even try anymore. But I know for sure you're not homeless or starving, so yeah, your life is better than a lot of people. That's fact, it's not my fault you said it wasn't. And I'm not even talking about better than me, but about the fact that there are starving children and yours are not. You should be thankful for that. I am thankful that I have experienced poverty so that I can be thankful for everything I have. Maybe that's the problem.
What hurts is that it shouldn't hurt. It shouldn't hurt that these people that I really don't know and obviously don't care about me have hurt me. It shouldn't hurt worse than anything else out there, but it does. Why should family treat each other that way? I should be able to point out a flaw in an argument without getting my head bit off by. Why can't we all talk to each other? Why do half of my grandmother's kids refuse to talk to the other half? Over things that happened 40 years ago? I hate that my grandmother died knowing her children wouldn't band together upon her death. Knowing that several would refuse to do anything if "that one" comes. And I can't imagine how awful it must hurt to have raised children that do that. I think I would die if my kids hated each other that way.
Right now it's hard for me to talk to my siblings about a lot of things because they're young and doing a lot of stupid things. I don't talk to them a lot so I can be nice and not just yell at them about all the stupid things they're doing. But I don't hate them and I have forgiven them for anything hurtful they have done, I pray they can do the same for me. And I will love them no matter what they do. And I will always believe the best for them. I might not agree with it all and I might not be silent about it all but they will always be my siblings and my first best friends.
If there is one thing I want to be able to accomplish as a mother it is that my children will love each other and learn to be friends. I know it will be difficult some days, if not most. It might not happen until they're adults but I would not be able to stand the division that is in my family.
And it's my only family. I don't know my biological father's side at all and my step-father and his family decided some odd years after the divorce that they didn't want to claim me either. Does anyone know how much it hurts to call a man "Dad" and to accept him even though he left a lot wanting and was immature to suddenly see Dad revoked on a card and it turn into just his name. What is that? But at least I still get a card, at least there's some sign that he cares. Sometimes I just feel so alone. So instead I'm trying to embrace my husband's family, which is quite a pill to swallow sometimes. But at least they all talk to each other. And sadly attempts of making friends into family hasn't worked at all because all of them really do have families that they love and like and there's just no forgetting that you're only a friend.
So my conclusion is that I want my children to know that family is not optional. This is your one and only family. Love them. Always be the one that can see the good in them. Be their cheerleader. Pick them up when they are down. Be their shoulder to cry on. Realize that you're all equal in your Father's sight and in your earthly parents too. I want home to be something worth coming home to.
And hellloooo pregnancy hormones because this has had me sooo upset all last night and all day today and probably all tonight too.
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