God always answers prayer....even if it's not the answer you want, or expect.
In my last post I wrote about how I desperately wanted to stay home with Teddy again and that even though I wasn't making hardly any money (turns out I was actually only making $30, not even $60), it wasn't that simple. Well, things were decided for me. I'll admit that I've been a bit distracted and conflicted the last few weeks over this. Also, I am short a co-worker and expected a replacement much earlier. Basically, I can't do the work of 2 people. So I've been feeling overwhelmed lately and my work has been suffering a bit because I'm just not enough all by myself. Monday I made some mistakes and I was pretty upset with myself afterwards and went home and resolved that I'd just have to put my personal feelings entirely aside at work, hammered out a better schedule and googled things about helping with stress and a better workflow. Tuesday at the end of the day I was sat down. I knew my performance wasn't the best the last few weeks, I was actually happy someone was going to talk to me about it, perhaps they had ideas on how I could improve. Instead it seems that for all ten months I've worked there I've made too many mistakes. No one ever even hinted of that before. Of course I make mistakes. Every other job I've had allows for a certain amount of human error. I'm still not sure if mine were just too high or if they just want perfection. Like I don't know if 5% of error is acceptable but I was doing 25% or what- I'm not sure if they know or have thought about quantifying it that way either.
Anyway, I was very upset. But Doug and I got to talk about it and I put in my notice. If I'm not actually doing a good job then I'm not helping them. Then the idea of needing to be around because they're short an employee and another is set to begin a temporary leave is silly. And what's $30 a month? Dinner out. It's not like we save $30 a month, mentally it's just difficult to think about it that way. I'm going to save $40 a month just on not buying disposable diapers for day care now. I'll save money in groceries and gas. We're actually going to be coming out ahead. I know that sounds counter-intuitive but it's not.
I'm a little disapointed that I apparently am a failure at this job. It's not easy for me to admit that. I still don't see how, but what do I know. But mostly, I see this as God answering my prayer, though not at all as I imagined it. And as a test to see if I can still love myself. I don't have to take some sort of "Nuh-uh!!" attitude, I can love myself even with my flaws. I might have reasons or excuses or contributing factors that I could spend all day explaining to me not being great or perfect or apparently even adequate at this job, but none of it matters. What matters is that this job does not define me, I do not measure my self-worth and life success by my ability to perform at this time in my life at that job. Of course I want to do things well, but it's alright if it turns out I don't have the right stuff. I gave it my best and that's not good enough. I know a place where I'm always good enough....in the arms of my son!!
We'll see how we do on our super tight budget and reevaluate in a few months. Hopefully it will continue to make sense for me to stay home with him. And since one of the biggest reasons why we didn't want to have a second yet was because of daycare, then we're one step closer. There are still other things, like paying for the medical care of the pregnancy and birth. Hopefully I'd be able to breastfeed again, but after the baby starts solids there's the increase in food and little things will go up as well. I'd do laundry more frequently etc. I told you we were on a tight budget! I think I'm going to start a separate blog about that to inspire myself and keep me on track!
Friday, June 8, 2012
Friday, June 1, 2012
When are you having another one?
I'm getting this comment a lot lately. Around here it seems like everyone (and maybe it's the national average, I really don't know) have their kids closer together. Teddy is 1 1/2, so clearly I must be thinking about number 2, right?!
Honestly, it makes me really sad. On some level it's crazy to think about because I'm just so wrapped up in him and it's hard to picture having another one, less attention on Teddy, #2 will have less attention than Teddy got. But I definitely do want siblings for him and I know those are normal feelings that work themselves out.
What makes me sad is that it was a long road of getting pregnant with Teddy. Then I had a hard pregnancy. And of course, there's money. I don't hate my job, it's the best one I've ever had and I'm learning lots of great skills. I've decided to put my MA in history on hold. If I want to finish it I can later, but it's not a very feasible job market. I've realized that I want to study history forever, but I don't need it to be my career. I'm prefectly happy job wise in the healthcare administration field. I tried other majors besides history in college but always came back to it. I only recently realized my issue was that when I'd open the books for the other majors they didn't excite me and I found myself thinking "I can't do this forever!" Well, you don't study a book forever! Putting what you learn to practice is so different than actually doing the reading, writing and test taking on it!
But I hate the idea of having to work full time, of missing out on time with a new baby. It makes me want to bawl when I think of that baby not getting time with me the way Teddy did. I already feel bad about my time away from Teddy. I'm working more hours temporarily right now, but if it's not an option permantely then I'll have to find a second part time job because with the regular hours after day care and the extra in gas, insurance and food, I only make $60 a month. At the same time, I've tried and there's just no where to cut that $60. Even if I did, that would just break us even. What I would need to do is find a way to cut even more so we could actually save. But right now with the extra hours things are working out quite nicely.
Until I'd have to pay for child care for a second child, diapers, food etc. Then our budget is bust given both options. So basically I would need to suck it up and find full time employment with a bit higher pay or wait until Teddy is in pre-K. It's so hard to accept this because all I've ever really wanted to do was be a mother. I wanted to homeschool my kids and now it looks like the only way I'll be able to have additional children is when each one starts school. The idea of this being reality for me breaks my heart. I know things might change. Doug could get a really great job tomorrow, he wants to finish school and might get a better one then, in about 2 years. After that I might get a Master's in Healthcare Adminsitration, and that would pay more, even if it wasn't full time. Or I might be able to work from home.
What really breaks my heart is that when Doug worked at Applebee's we could have found a way to live on one salary. What really got us was that the condo was too expensive for us and no one wanted to rent it or buy it (or any of the others available and for sale). We could have afforded something less expensive but still not have to live with my father-in-law. I stand behind my husband 1000% for his reasons for quitting. I stand behind him 1000% for not taking the other restaurant jobs he found. And I stand behind him 1000% for putting availability for church ahead of work. But I can't help but feel like things should have worked out by now. It's been a year. A very, very, very long and hard year. I guess, I know how much things can change in a year now.
Who knows, maybe things will be so much better this time next year. But right now, I wonder how this is working in God's plan. How can it be God's plan for me to have to work and barely contribute and have to pick between spending time with my child and earning more money so we can have some saved for a rainy day, our own place or college? I know I was made to be a mother, it's the only thing I've tried that gives me real and true joy. There are women out there that go back to work because they feel more fulfilled. No judgement on them at all, but that's not me. I think people actually expect that of me because I have a college degree, because I am studious and serious. But I don't feel more fulfilled at all. College was just the back up plan, in case we really needed 2 incomes at some point. I thought it would give me more opportunities than without it. I've seen lots of women who were only able to work at grocery stores or clean houses etc. Those are great jobs (which I've done, by the way) but I know they leave you tired and drained and don't pay a lot. I thought I could always work when the kids were older or grown. And not to start a mommy war, but it really kills me that his day care teacher spends more time with him during a day then I do. He's learning so much right now and it's not from me!
Well, anyway, nosey folks everywhere, that's why we're not having a second one yet. And I'm not for sure when we will. From a financial stand point a lot of things would have to change and it will be several more years. From a biological stand point, who knows if my stupid body will agree to a second pregnancy which opens a whole different can of worms. So my concise answer to this question is: "We're gladly accepting donations to the 'Give Teddy a Sibling Fund'!"
Honestly, it makes me really sad. On some level it's crazy to think about because I'm just so wrapped up in him and it's hard to picture having another one, less attention on Teddy, #2 will have less attention than Teddy got. But I definitely do want siblings for him and I know those are normal feelings that work themselves out.
What makes me sad is that it was a long road of getting pregnant with Teddy. Then I had a hard pregnancy. And of course, there's money. I don't hate my job, it's the best one I've ever had and I'm learning lots of great skills. I've decided to put my MA in history on hold. If I want to finish it I can later, but it's not a very feasible job market. I've realized that I want to study history forever, but I don't need it to be my career. I'm prefectly happy job wise in the healthcare administration field. I tried other majors besides history in college but always came back to it. I only recently realized my issue was that when I'd open the books for the other majors they didn't excite me and I found myself thinking "I can't do this forever!" Well, you don't study a book forever! Putting what you learn to practice is so different than actually doing the reading, writing and test taking on it!
But I hate the idea of having to work full time, of missing out on time with a new baby. It makes me want to bawl when I think of that baby not getting time with me the way Teddy did. I already feel bad about my time away from Teddy. I'm working more hours temporarily right now, but if it's not an option permantely then I'll have to find a second part time job because with the regular hours after day care and the extra in gas, insurance and food, I only make $60 a month. At the same time, I've tried and there's just no where to cut that $60. Even if I did, that would just break us even. What I would need to do is find a way to cut even more so we could actually save. But right now with the extra hours things are working out quite nicely.
Until I'd have to pay for child care for a second child, diapers, food etc. Then our budget is bust given both options. So basically I would need to suck it up and find full time employment with a bit higher pay or wait until Teddy is in pre-K. It's so hard to accept this because all I've ever really wanted to do was be a mother. I wanted to homeschool my kids and now it looks like the only way I'll be able to have additional children is when each one starts school. The idea of this being reality for me breaks my heart. I know things might change. Doug could get a really great job tomorrow, he wants to finish school and might get a better one then, in about 2 years. After that I might get a Master's in Healthcare Adminsitration, and that would pay more, even if it wasn't full time. Or I might be able to work from home.
What really breaks my heart is that when Doug worked at Applebee's we could have found a way to live on one salary. What really got us was that the condo was too expensive for us and no one wanted to rent it or buy it (or any of the others available and for sale). We could have afforded something less expensive but still not have to live with my father-in-law. I stand behind my husband 1000% for his reasons for quitting. I stand behind him 1000% for not taking the other restaurant jobs he found. And I stand behind him 1000% for putting availability for church ahead of work. But I can't help but feel like things should have worked out by now. It's been a year. A very, very, very long and hard year. I guess, I know how much things can change in a year now.
Who knows, maybe things will be so much better this time next year. But right now, I wonder how this is working in God's plan. How can it be God's plan for me to have to work and barely contribute and have to pick between spending time with my child and earning more money so we can have some saved for a rainy day, our own place or college? I know I was made to be a mother, it's the only thing I've tried that gives me real and true joy. There are women out there that go back to work because they feel more fulfilled. No judgement on them at all, but that's not me. I think people actually expect that of me because I have a college degree, because I am studious and serious. But I don't feel more fulfilled at all. College was just the back up plan, in case we really needed 2 incomes at some point. I thought it would give me more opportunities than without it. I've seen lots of women who were only able to work at grocery stores or clean houses etc. Those are great jobs (which I've done, by the way) but I know they leave you tired and drained and don't pay a lot. I thought I could always work when the kids were older or grown. And not to start a mommy war, but it really kills me that his day care teacher spends more time with him during a day then I do. He's learning so much right now and it's not from me!
Well, anyway, nosey folks everywhere, that's why we're not having a second one yet. And I'm not for sure when we will. From a financial stand point a lot of things would have to change and it will be several more years. From a biological stand point, who knows if my stupid body will agree to a second pregnancy which opens a whole different can of worms. So my concise answer to this question is: "We're gladly accepting donations to the 'Give Teddy a Sibling Fund'!"
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