Ok, actually I do have a symptom. I'm pretty emotional and hormonal. But I would have explained that away to be sure.
Today I was pretty bummed out, most of the day. When Doug and I decided to try to conceive again we thought it would be months and months and months before success. Also, I'm not quite sure how but we did the math wrong or were just very naive about the cost of things before we made our decision. Our car payment is a bit higher than we were hoping as well, but it gets better gas mileage than if we just used the Blazer for Doug's long commute, so that helps some too. We were expecting a due date after Teddy turned 3. By that point we hoped to have enough saved up for a down payment on something (we'd love land and a modular) or would be able to rent something for sure. But this blessing is much earlier than expected. The reality is that unless we get an awesome deal somewhere we will be living with my father in law for at least another year, perhaps longer because there will be additional costs now. At this point in time me finding another job outside of the home is not a good option because of the cost of daycare and just the cost on my sanity.
Not that living with my father in law doesn't cost me sanity either. Although he is messy and loud and comes home at unpredictable times he does grant us a high amount of privacy. And he has a nice yard and the sections of the house we use are still bigger than probably anything we could afford to rent. The location is nice. You go outside and although you are close to two highways and a subdivision there are all kinds of birds chirping and rabbits hopping. It feels like you're in the country. But I miss having my own place. My own place to decorate, to sprawl out in, to have people over at and not worry about a half naked elderly man walking buy. I miss going to bed at night and waking up to the same condition the house was in when I last saw it. My father in law does not sleep well and spends all night snacking and walking from his bedroom to the kitchen. He makes a bigger mess getting crackers than I do making a whole meal. The house gets sugar ants bad and somehow he doesn't understand that duh, they're attracted to sugar. So rinse out your glass of 7 up that you aren't even supposed to be drinking because of your bad kidney function and quit eating cookies for breakfast.
So I spent half the day thinking we were stupid for trying to conceive given the fact that we are now going to have two children and are in my father in law's house still. I worry that others will judge us, and I was judging myself. But then I realized that God is the only one that gives life. We could have decided on our own to try and not had any success for months or years if it wasn't God's timing (as was our experience with Teddy). And since this is when the baby is meant to be born then it would have happened even if we weren't trying.
So, I'm going to spend my time being truly thankful for this blessing. Sure, I would rather have my own place and keep doing the math and it's just not very feasible but if it doesn't happen it won't be the end of the world. But I believe somehow something will. And it will just show that nothing is impossible with God. There might be a mighty financial need, but He's answered that call before and I know He's able.
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