28 week appointment

Ugh most frustrating appointment of my life!

So, I had to a fasting blood sugar draw and then eat breakfast and they'd test me 2 hours later.  Why they wanted to do this instead of a glucose test I don't know.  Why they wanted to test me again when I passed last time I don't know.  Anyway, so the lab tech says "Let me know when you're done eating because that's when we have to start the clock."  I said "Ok, well it's just a cup of yogurt so it won't take long."  She demanded that I eat more.  I tried explaining that it was Greek yogurt, it had 20g of carbs and 14 g of protein.  That's more than you'd get from eggs and a slice of toast for example, it's just compact.  That's why Greek yogurt is so awesome.  I explained that when I had GD I had to eat less than 30g of carb and at least 7g of protein.  She said that they wanted me to eat "normally."  First of all, that is still normal.  Those commercials with a bowl of cereal, even something 'healthy' like Cheerios and then a fruit is messed up.  When I had GD I couldn't even drink milk because it was so full of sugar.  So no, I will never eat that way again and call it healthy and normal.  Secondly, what does she know?  Even when I had GD the OBs didn't know squat and I had to go to a nutritionist, they just knew what number to worry about.  But I went ahead and listened to her anyway and bought a chicken biscuit at Chick Fil A and at the yogurt too so I probably had like 70g of carbs.  Now, I'm not actually very worried because I have eaten bad and had donuts before and tested and it was fine.  But I still feel like I should not have listened to her.  So if I fail I will demand to take a 3 hour glucose test because every time I test off of what I eat it's fine.

Then before the appointment I was sat down with a nurse and talked to about a thousand things that was unexpected.  I wasn't expecting that until like 32 weeks, I"m still deciding on some things and hoping to transfer care to a birth center.  But yeah, that was awful.  "Oh, you didn't get a flu shot?"  That wasn't intentional but my general physician said he wouldn't give me one and then the OB office was out and since I usually have side effects I was trying to pick a good day when Doug was going to be home to help out if needed.  And some how I got to February without and it obviously it's not that big of a deal now but this nurse totally acted like I was going to die or something.  Then she was mad because I haven't registered at the hospital yet.  First of all, hoping to not use the hospital (not that I told her that).  Secondly, she says "Ok, well they want you to do that at 30 weeks."  Ummm, I'm 28 so you don't need to act like I'm late on that and how I am I supposed to know this if no one tells me.  No one even said a thing last time until I was 35 weeks and no one mentioned I was "late" and even if I did it "on time" last time I doubt I'd remember when it had to be done this time around.  Not exactly a high light to remember.  Then I was asked about the pediatrician.  I had to leave Harrisonburg Peds because they didn't take Medicaid, which we had Teddy on for a few months, but even before that they were backed up for months and couldn't do his 9 month appointment until 11 months.  So I switched him over to our family practice.  But I'm not opposed to going back.  At this point I"m still debating on where she's even going to sleep, only recently decided if we were moving or not.  Excuse me if I haven't decided who we will take her to if she gets sick after she is born....13-15 weeks from now!  Then I got told about all the testing they will do in the hospital on him and it just made me mad because I KNOW those things are optional but she wasn't presenting it that way at all.  I declined the Hep B vaccine with Teddy in the hospital and will with this one as well.  Then I was asked what type of birth control I wanted afterwards.  Um, still surprised I'm pregnant after my fertility issues.  We haven't been able to really decide and talk about this.  And she stared me down for 25 seconds until I said that I guess I'd do the mini pill, not that I'm decided on that at all, I just wanted to get everything over with.  Then I was asked what anesthesia I wanted.  I said I wanted to try natural but the last time I talked about it they insisted on another c-section.  The nurse said "Yeah, once you've had one you have to have another.  You just do."  INFURIATING!!!!!!!  No you don't!!!  If it was another practice or another hospital they would be fine with it!  Ridiculous the way she was presenting things and taking all my decisions away.

Then I had an ultrasound.  Though at my 24 week appointment no one understand why that had been ordered.  But anyway, yay for more pics.  Definitely a girl and she actually looks really dainty, I can't help smiling at the pics.  I'm surprised at how little she looks like Teddy.  The tech and Doug both said she looked just like me.  She was weighing around 3 pounds.  That seems really big already!!  But everything looked great.

So I still haven't gotten the results to my test.  I was told I'd have them yesterday.  I'm assuming I passed but will call tomorrow to confirm.  I will literally do a happy dance if I get to transfer to Brookhaven. 

Symptom wise things are great.  Heartburn is decreasing.  I've noticed after going on walks I do feel a lot of contractions, just in the last 3 days.  So if they continue I will ask about that.  Because it makes it really uncomfortable to do it but I know I should, especially if I'm planning on a natural birth- it's going to be worse than a marathon.  So I don't know if I need to up my water or if there's no way to avoid that but if there's a way to avoid it then yeah, I'd like that.  She is all over the place, down low, up high on the side.  Sometimes she feels really low for how much longer is left! 

Sleep is still mostly better.  Teddy is in a toddler bed and is sleeping until about 6 am and playing nicely until 6:30 or even 7.  I wake up when he does but he wants to play alone in his room.  I was hoping after Daylight Savings Time started he'd sleep later and stay up later but he only did that one day.  He will somewhat happily stay up until 8pm but still wakes up at 6 am and is a wreck until nap time, so I don't think 10 hours of sleep agrees with his system, he's always needed 11-12.  The hardest thing is church.  Last time I went Teddy was up until 10pm and then woke up at 4 am.  It was excruciating for me and took days to get him caught up on sleep.  Last weekend I had 3 different people call me and basically tell me I need to come to church after missing for 3 weeks.  Oh yeah, people that don't talk to me any other time.  Thanks for showing your love.  Ok, is someone willing to help me with Teddy?  Because no one is.  Even my mother.  Can God really not understand that I just can't be pregnant in half a house while my husband gets up at 5 am for work and works until 5-6 pm and then goes straight to church unless I ask for his help because I'm just so wiped out after dealing with a grumpy toddler who is not sleeping enough and I'm not sleeping enough too.  Those type of days I can't even manage to do bed time, they seem to coincide with when baby girl has totally beaten me up on the inside and I just want to lay down for a little bit  It doesn't help that my outside giant baby still wants to climb and jump all over me.  As usual, he doesn't realize he's big and is just acting like a normal 2 year old.  I don't think God is so insecure that He needs my presence at church if it means I'm going to lose my mind.  I don't care if it means I'm inadequate compared to 35 other women at church.  I'd like to point out they DO have help, but even if they don't and can do better than me, I don't care.  I'm done hating myself because of trying to be someone else.  And another thing, the next time someone who doesn't even have a 2 year old yet, let alone one who is just particular about his sleep no matter what I do, glares at me because I can't 'control' him while he's up 3 hours past his bed time I might actually slap her right there in the church nursery.  Maybe then she will know how her baby feels (yes, I went there, it bothers me sooo much that she spanks her BABY and in case she hasn't noticed she's been doing it for months and he still hasn't figured it out because they just don't learn that way yet!)  Anyway, we haven't left church and we're not forsaking gathering together.  I wish that we could be more like every single other family there but we're not and I don't see how that's against the Word.  I'm not missing for convenience, I'm missing because I literally just can not do it all on my own and I am not too proud to admit that I'd like help, just no one has followed through.  So, in interest of self-preservation so I can continue to hobble along this is what I've got to do.  Go criticize someone else.  I hate missing church, I hate missing that time of worship, I'm not doing this for fun.

They've changed some things at Doug's work.  He's now acting manager as they're doing a trial run on a new management set up at his store for the next 4 months.  But he doesn't have all the duties and therefore not the pay and other perks either, go figure.  He's pretty stressed about it but I think he will be ok in a few weeks after the transition.

24 week update

Oh my this pregnancy is flying by!  And it needs to slooooooow down!

I'm 25 weeks but had my 24 week check up today.  I still haven't gained any weight.  My blood sugar levels are great but they're going to make me do another test at 28 weeks.  I will arrive and do a fasting, then eat breakfast and test 2 hours after.  Which is ridiculous if you ask me because that is what I do at my house.  But sure, let me pay extra for that.  I was more than willing to do another 3 hour if needed.  The difference is drinking the glucose solution.  Yeah, it's nasty but not so nasty that I'm willing to do anything under the sun to avoid it.  And I know I'm overweight but I haven't even gained any weight yet, so Dr. S can quit acting like I exist off of sugar.  I'm really not a fan of her, and she's the one that I've seen each time due to some kind of scheduling glitch. 

So as soon as I pass the 28 week thing I am off to Brookhaven Birth Center.  And if I fail it (feels like a lot would have to change between now and then) then I will have to see if someone in Stuanton offers VBAC (vaginal birth after caeserean) because my research is showing that to be safer.  The argument Harrisonburg OB/Gyn has of "there's not enough anesthesiologists for emergency situations on staff" is actually ludicrious when you think about it.  What happens if I go into labor early?  Late enough for them to not want to stop labor but not on their time schedule?  They would either need to make space for me immediately or let me labor some until an opening occurred.  Laboring under that condition is no worse than laboring for a VBAC, especially because most issues occur early in labor, usually before a woman would even have very timeable contractions and be calling the hospital.  I'm not so cynical as to think that they're doing it to make more money or work around their schedule, it's probably law suit and insurance related.  But anyway, considering right now I'm thinking we'd eventually like another child or two, having repeat c-sections is repeatedly more dangerous.

We have definitely decided to stay at FIL's for a few more months.  We're going to spend some money now to make some improvements for us downstairs, around what we would pay for one month's rent anywhere.  And then we'll look again when baby is a few months old.  I just didn't want the stress of moving and then buying all the baby things back to back in the last 2 months before delivery.  So the next time we look there won't be such a time crunch.  It might not be the most fun but it won't be on the same level of "Ok, all of May and June are out because I will be giving birth during one of them."  So if it takes a few months to find the right place then that will be ok.  And again, there is a very strong possibility that Doug is getting a promotion in the next few months. 

Symptom wise there's nothing really new to report.  I am sleeping a little better now, we got a new bed and mattress.  We have been looking off and on since October and everytime Doug was was about to pull the trigger I started feeling guilty spending that type of money.  But our sleep finally got bad enough and I realized that it doesn't matter if we don't have a lot of money, things break.  Things break and you have to fix them and that's just the way it is.  And actually it worked out better because we found the same bed we had been loving at the Ashley Furniture Store at their discount place across town but in white instead of a stain for $800 instead of $1200 and then we got the mattress there  for $200.  Yeah, a king size for $200!!  He practically gave it away for free.  It feels much better.  Not as good as the kind we would have bought but we can update later if we need it.  And we were able to keep king size. 

Baby girl is quite the mover.  I think she dashes up to the top of my uterus and then just jumps down, a lot. 

We used Doug's honor points from when he travelled for work training in August (they paid for it but he still got the points) and got a $200 a night hotel in Alexandria for $60.  We did a one night trip, got to sleep in and enjoy some Smithsonians.  The only downsides were that we shouldn't have worked the day of and then our car battery randomly died just before leaving after dinner with Doug's aunt and uncle.  Thankfully they were still with us and were able to drive us to Wal-Mart and then their house to get tools (seriously, the Wal-Mart didn't even have a hammer or nails, ridiculous) and then back to the car since it wouldn't even take a jump.  We planned to get home at 10 pm at the latest, got home after 1 am.  Doug was up at 5:30 for work, Teddy woke up at 5:45.  Definitely tired for the next few days.  It would be nice to go away again for a night before baby is born, this being our first time being that far from Teddy, but I don't know who we'd leave him with.  It's dramatic, so I guess that probably won't happen.

Ugh, he is still waking up so early.  He did this last year too, so I'm hopeful that he will eventually sleep later again before the baby is born but my body is just not adjusting to falling asleep early.  So I'm always feeling tired.  And then I ask Doug to help some in the mornings and I feel really bad because even though I've already been up with Teddy for 2-3 hours, Doug has only been asleep for 6.  Really hoping something changes before we have to deal with midnight feedings.

But he's also just soo smart!  Talking so much, finally learned his colors!  We're working on potty training.  We started in January but then kind of took a break when I got sick.  We will be transitioning him to a big boy bed soon.  He is semi interested in climbing out, is climbing on a lot of things these days, but mostly because it is sooo hard for me to get him in there, especially if he doesn't want to. 

I really need to get some pics on here!

Contemplating the impossible

Sigh.  In the last few weeks I've suddenly gotten really into reading again.  This means I'm trying to escape reality.  Turns out my voracious hunger in high school for reading, even mundane things like text books, was because I hated my reality.  Not that the reality of my life now is anywhere close to the reality it was then.  God has been faithful to me.  But, I'm still unhappy with how things are turning out.

Doug finally got on board with us looking for a place to move.  Finally realized how difficult his dad is as a roommate, how little privacy there is.  The space isn't insanely small, but it's just not ours.  And the terror of adding a newborn into the mix.  So we officially started looking on February 1st but I browsed for most of January, to get an idea of the market.  We haven't rented since 2006.  And honestly, the market is a bit confusing.  I'm seeing things that are relatively the same size (900-1000 sq ft/2bed,1bath) and the same town range from $500-700+.  That seems odd.  Especially when it's a small town like Grottoes.  There's not really "bad" neighborhoods there.  Looking at a place like Staunton, which would be close to Doug's work, is even scarier.  Everything we can afford is in the scary parts of town.  Realistically, we need to be closer to $550-600 a month.  I'd like to take the time to point out that when we bought our condo our mortgage was $575, when the market was high, for a 4 bed, 2 bath apartment in town.  Not the best neighborhood but not unsafe either and when we bought it there weren't roaches or anything in there either (thank you nasty tenants who were our "friends" and the HOA manager who got indited and imprisoned for embezzlement rather than paying to fix the outdated pipes).  It was cheaper to buy that place than it was to rent a 2 bedroom in the same town.  But now we can't even find that price in a good part of town and without peeling paint, windows with gaps etc.

Also, like I said, we don't have (in state) rental history since before 2006.  Our last landlords moved out of state, last I heard, and I would have no clue how to contact them.  And our credit is still really bad from the bankruptcy.  Not terrible, but not great.  Pretty sure it was probably worse in 2006 actually since we were just starting out with credit, but no one wants to hear that now.  Things have changed so much.  People won't even give us an application to apply. 

And there are downsides to moving.  FIL might annoy me most of the time he's home and awake and moving around, but eventually he leaves.  And if I am feeling especially moody or not up to his crap, I can try to hide out in the basement.  It gets sticky around dinner time, which he only ever interrupts when Doug works.  What is the deal with that?!  And while we have cabinetry, a mini fridge, a microwave and a sink downstairs I can't really cook in it.  We tried with a hot plate and it got fried.  Apparently the wiring is pretty bad down here.  But is any of this worse than living near neighbors I don't know?  Who never leave?  We have seldom seen a house for rent we can afford.  It will be a townhouse (meaning attached on at least one side) or an apartment.  If it's an apartment I then have to decide between having a neighbor on my head or lugging 2 kids and things up a flight of stairs and across a parking lot.  I've done it with Teddy before and it's not fun either.  And there's just noise.  There are people leaving for work at 3 am and stomping on the steps.  There are car alarms going off and horns honking for rides, deliveries to the wrong apartment banging on your door.  FIL might not succeed in being quiet but he does try a little and isn't as bad as those things happening.  But then I realize I haven't had a kitchen to myself since December 2009 and I really miss it.  I miss having my own house and the privacy. 

And once again I'm left feeling dumb for going off bcp when I did, even though after 7 years of infertility you think you'd be able to count on that.  Even though I went in a prayer line, I didn't expect a miracle, I expected eventual healing.  I'm not complaining, just not understanding.

So right now our choices are applying for low income housing and it still be tight on our budget, or staying with my FIL and trying to work on some of the things that we can fix, like maybe a thick runner and pad in the hallway and drywalling around the furnace so it doesn't rattle behind my head all night long (and keep me up).

I'm such a mess right now.  I think on the one hand, while apartment life isn't great, plenty of people do it, and it would be ours.  There are several parks in Grottoes that could make up for not having a yard, there's even a grocery store, general stores and restaurants now.  It's grown a good bit since I first moved there when I was 14.  It takes a lot of pride swallowing to consider applying for government assistance.  I grew up on it.  But I didn't make stupid choices.  I didn't get involved with bad men, drink, do drugs, run away from home etc. like most of the residents, my mother and other family members did.  My decisions at least had a potential to turn out well.  But really, unless we relocate for me to work full time somewhere using my degree and I can somehow get over putting my kids in full time daycare and juggling work and home life, there's nothing I can do about it.  I disagree with the idea that because I have a degree I need to use it right now, and because I have it means I should somehow be just as capable as juggling everything.  It doesn't make me less anything because I can't juggle being a working mom.  Being a working mom is a new phenomenon and I have immense respect for those that do it but that should not be the standard to judge me by.  But then on the other hand, it really feels ridiculous to live with FIL, in his basement, with 2 kids and after having a college degree and being married 8 years.  I feel like society expects me to suck it up, either via work or government assistance, even though we don't live here free and even though our money would still be tight (because daycare is insane versus job availability and they can pay low right now because everyone is looking). 

I guess when I take away my thoughts on what society wants of me, it's smartest to stay here.  We can actually save and will be closer to our own home.  Doug will most likely be getting a promotion, it's just a matter of when and the fact that I didn't want to sit here forever and end up worrying about it all and moving at 9 months pregnant.  I filled out the Section 8 application and then sat down and did the math and just immediately felt like a voice was telling me we were making a mistake. 

And when I realize what God did for me, that He's ultimately in control even though I can not remotely see where my next step is right now.

And good Lord these children better appreciate this.  Because it might honestly be easier on me to throw them in daycare, work my butt off and never spend time with them and bring home $30 a week and/or live in government housing than it is to continue to live with my FIL, as I'm reminded because he just stomped on my head 6 times back and forth consecutively.  He'd get half way down the hall and then turn around again, again and again.  What on earth?!!  And it's not just that he stomps, but that I then have to have stupid conversations with him about things that don't interest me at all and center entirely on him being conceited.  Oh, wait, he just went by again.  AND I can hear him on the phone. 

And again, I'm worried about having a newborn in this again because it about killed me with Teddy.  Or maybe I should say I about killed someone else, lol!  ;)

Assorted update

I've been having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions lately.  I never felt them with Teddy but I've been having them a few times a day with Little Miss and mostly in my back.  Not exactly painful but uncomfortable.  Drinking loads of water definitely helps so I've been practically drowning myself in it.  Except now I'm starting to get heartburn from water.

I've been kidney infection symptom free for several weeks now and my last two cultures have come back fine.  I had some sort of awful bronchitis plague last week.  It started with a scratchy throat on Sunday evening and just enough to feel "off."  It kept me up all night.  It got a little worse on Monday but was bearable.  Monday night I started coughing and on Tuesday morning it had settled in my chest.  Luckily I already had a regular physical scheduled.  By then I had some aches and pains, which I was sure was just due to sleeping poorly for the last few nights but asked for a flu test anyway.  I've been incredibly stupid and haven't gotten a flu shot yet, I've let petty things get in the way.  But I knew if it was the flu and I wanted to take Tamiflu or something getting diagnosed within the first 48 hours was important.  Thankfully, it came back negative.  But I did have a lot of chest congestion and he went ahead and prescribed me a z-pack.  I honestly didn't feel too terrible then but desperately wanted sleep.  Doug's boss was out of town and he worked 7 days straight last week.  Monday-Wednesday were all morning shifts and Teddy had been waking up at 5-6 am.  I decided to send Teddy to a babyistter for the morning so I could rest.  It was the first time I've ever done that.  She was the same lady I used when I was sending him for in home care while I worked, but it's different as a stay at home mom and paying for babysitter.  I usually just take him with me places or arrange them for Doug's day off or at most get mom to watch him.  I think getting to rest just made me feel worse!  I just kept feeling worse all Wednesday.  Coughing to exponentially worse, a lot of wheezing and pain with breathing and so exhausted I felt like I had been hit by a truck.  It just didn't seem like what should be happening almost 48 hours after being on antibiotics.  So I went back in on Thursday.  He changed my antibiotic and by Friday evening I was feeling a good bit better.  Still very exhausted but getting bearable as Doug worked over the weekend.  Sunday night Teddy started coughing some and had a fever off and on.  We took him to the doctor on Tuesday and he didn't hear any chest congestion but we have a prescription if we need it.  Poor little guy!  He's so tired and pitiful sounding! 

I met with my old midwife from Teddy the other day.  I loved her but had to be transferred to OB care when I ended up with Gestational Diabetes.  She doesn't want me to transfer care yet, to keep testing until 28 weeks and if all is well then I will transfer to her.  I've tried to put on a good face about facing another c-section regardless of the need but it bothers me.  And my research shows that a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) is safer than a repeat c-section.  With Teddy I thought the OBs weren't very personal and were ignoring my concerns and that maybe it was just that practice and because I transferred to in so late and then the complications.  So I switched to a different practice but I feel the same with them.  I don't hate doctors.  I love my general physician.  I'm not super homeopathic or anything, I will take antibiotics readily, less because it's so necessary to get over things and more because I can't be sick in bed for a week.  But it's something about pregnancy and birth.  My body is made for this.  If I am classified as low risk now, then I really want a VBAC and natural birth.  And this sounds so crazy to just about everyone but the midwife, but I feel like this is what Little Miss wants.  She seems much more relaxed than Teddy's utero persona was.  When I close my eyes and think about meeting her for the first time I see myself in a tub and pulling her out of water.  I just feel like she is wanting a water birth.  I will do it at the birth center because it's closer to the hospital and I am a bit higher risk for transfer given the C-section versus home as I planned last time.  And I don't know yet where we will be living or how far that would be from the hospital or how well it could accommodate a giant birthing tub and birthing people.  So hopeful that everything will work out!

Kicks and GD

I meant to post the other day that I've been feeling consistent real kicks for about a week now.  She is all over the place!  Much more so than I remember Teddy being until much, much later.  Especially at night.  We might be in trouble with sleep issues if she's like this on the outside. 

I passed my 3 hour glucose test!!  I brought my meter and was testing my levels after each hour draw.  I asked the tech after the one hour what the cut off point was and she said it was 139, just like it is after eating food and so would each other hour.  I got 200.  Other readings were a little better but still higher than the cut offs.  I was sure I had failed.  Then after getting home I remembered that the cut offs I was told with Teddy were much higher.  I looked it up and this is what I was told in September2010: 
           Fasting:  95...I had 89 at home
           1 hour:  180....I had 200
           2 hour:  160....I had 139
           3 hour:  140....I had 119.

I checked some web sites and they confirmed that, though someone said they might have been outdated.  I was cautiously optimistic.  I was sooooooo excited and to get the phone call yesterday that I indeed passed!!  The nurse said to check my numbers about once a week and bring them with me to my next appointment but that the OB would probably life that then.  I think I will test until about 28 weeks just to ease my own mind because I know they normally test between 24-28 weeks so I guess that's the prime time it develops.  But right now everything looks great!!

Baby sister!!

I had my 20 week ultrasound today!  We found out it's a baby girl!  Here's how we told Teddy, my mom and the internet world:

http://youtu.be/71qUllE51DI

Every time I would ask Teddy he would say "baby sister" and Doug was always adamant it was a girl.  I kind of thought girl because this pregnancy has been different but I am honestly kind of shocked.  Oh, and the heart rate always indicated girl according to the old wive's tales. 

Doug really wanted to find out in the room and be the first to know.  I wanted to have some element of surprise or specialness because I initially didn't even want to know the gender.  So we compromised.  The pinterst inspiration was sibling opening a box with the balloon inside but the dollar store didn't have large boxes.  Then the bag we got wasn't big enough, ripped and popped the balloon.  The only thing I could find that was big enough was that hamper but I figure we can always use another one and Teddy likes playing with them.

Baby girl is looking great.  Measured at 19w6d which is on track for their June 5th due date.  I'm a little annoyed that it doesn't match the one at 13 weeks, and is therefore closer to my estimated ovulation date, but whatever.  Shes' healthy! 

It is soooo weird to write she!

I also did a 3 hour glucose test.  The other weekend I was getting some high numbers on my random finger pricks so I called in to schedule one.  But then I got really sick and after that everything was fine but they still wanted me to come in.  Well, the numbers I was getting today on my meter were not good.  No where near as bad as they were with Teddy but I'm pretty sure I failed.  Unless my meter is way off, which wouldn't be a good sign either.  Well, I can live with that.  I've been eating pretty good so I guess that's why my numbers are fine at home.  And at least it wasn't a diagnosis at 8 weeks like it looked like earlier!  I also lost about 5 pounds.  A difference of 2 pounds would be no big deal, it can vary like that.  But I'm guessing between trying to watch what I'm eating, Teddy swiping my food and vomiting last week it added up to a few others.  They aren't worried at all, I obviously have plenty to go around and baby is growing fine.  I guess if it continues it might be a concern though.

I also did another urine culture.  Hopefully all in the clear.  I haven't had symptoms since last week.  I'm praying it just needed that 10 day course and I've also been prayed for at church and am claiming my healing since the doctors can't do much.  The doctor today said that "Yeah, you had a weird bug that just didn't want to go away.  Not to make you feel odd or something, but we don't see that very often."  Well, at least someone didn't treat me like I was insane!!  And since I'm finally feeling better I can get back into an exercise routine.

I go back in 4 weeks for a routine visit and then in 8 weeks for another routine visit and a growth scan.  Unless they need me to come in earlier for the gestational diabetes. 

After the appointment we had lunch and then went and used a gift card to a new boutique in town which has many really neat (if pricey, but good quality) things.  And then to the dollar store for the supplies.  It's been a long day already, I got to the office at 7:45 and Teddy woke up at 6!  He keeps waking up at 6 instead of the 8:30 he had been doing for months and then 7 for weeks.  But the other day he woke up at 5, so I guess I'll take 6!

Great news!

When Doug was hired at his current job the understanding was that the general manager would be leaving in the not too distant future to pursue some other career options within the company.  Well, that is happening faster than planned.  She is next in line for the district for a promotion and there are a few possibilities for her ranging between 2 weeks and 4 months from now.  Doug will get her current job.  It will almost double his pay check.  Moving will absolutely not be a problem now and we'll still be able to save for our own place.  A total answer to prayer!  We knew this was coming eventually anyway but I'm going to be honest, it's hard to be patient.  Every time we talked about moving we knew that it would be super super tight until at least his one year raise in August.  I hated that I was putting us in such a position financially but I just can't keep living here and deal with another newborn and Doug work 50 hours a week again.  And it was driving me nuts, I'd go back and forth between saying we had to move and that I was ok.  Poor Doug dealing with me.  And now Praise God I don't have to worry about it anymore.  So thankful for everything God has done for us in the last year!

Kidney update

Last weekend I started feeling sick again.  Back pain and nausea returned.  On Monday afternoon/evening things went down hill fast.  I was feeling really bad and had a low fever and chills started.  Then I vomited that night.  Thankfully Doug went to the store and bought some Unisom for me which helped with the nausea.  My blood sugar levels started to get high over the weekend as well.  Once I stopped eating due to the vomiting I stopped checking.

My appointment with the urologist was on Tuesday.  He didn't have any records from the OB office, and didn't have anything from December.  Awesome.  He said looking at the positive culture I had in November it didn't seem very convincing and was most likely just contamination since it was under 100,000 units.  I was too sick to even fight back.  Because when they do a urinalysis they're saying it's really clean so that would negate the chances of contamination.  Also, the OBs are the ones that don't want to treat me with antibiotics if I'm negative so if they're convinced I really don't get why he's not.  He wouldn't do a culture on me that day.  And he told me to not take the suppressive antibiotic once I finish my round of amoxicilin since he's not convinced I ever had an infection.  My kidney ultrasound "didn't turn up much."  I agree that's good and what I was expecting.  Though looking back that terminology annoys me.  Why not say "looked perfect."  Does it mean I have some swelling or something but because he's used to seeing people with like kidney failure it's not important?  I'm not saying real life is very often like a House episode, but it's possible.  What everyone else is saying is small might really mean something when it's combined with all the other factors.

I said, "Ok.  So let's scratch the kidney pain, that goes away when I start an antibiotic, and say that's normal.  I'm still left with bouts of nausea and vomiting, fever and chills.  Is there something else I should follow up on?"  He said he couldn't comment since he was a urologist and to go back and ask my pcp.  That annoys me so much because while he's sure it's kidney related he can't treat me because I'm pregnant.  The OBs aren't arguing with cultures and agree I have a UTI.  It's the kidney pain they're trying to say is normal.  But it's the same pain I've had when I haven't been pregnant.  And there's a difference in how you treat a UTI and kidney infection.  I called the OB to get my culture levels and they weren't that low.  I read online that it's usually only levels of 100 or so that they think is contamination.  Mine are 52,000 (December 18th- finished antibiotic a few days earlier) and 10,000 (December 27th- still on antibiotics).  I know it's not 100,000 but it's not nothing either.

I'm going back to my pcp.  Maybe he can refer me to a different urologist and maybe if he talks to the doctor I'll be taken seriously.  Maybe it's something else that's causing kidney pain.  But what could it be?  It's so similar to what happened in 2007-2008.  And then it went away but I usually had a UTI or kidney infection at least once a year.  The only thing similar I can think of is that I'm living in FIL's house.  As much as I might dislike it here, I can't believe that would be an actual reason for all of this.

I know I'm not a doctor.  But with Teddy I was on some pretty powerful pain medications due to the migraines and they decided that was fine.  But an antibiotic is going to hurt the baby?  Wouldn't having a really bad and poorly treated infection be worse?  Every time I read about a kidney infection that's exactly what it says.  I understand the issue of not wanting to treat if I'm not testing positive.  That happened for a month.  But now I'm testing positive and the OBs want to treat me.  It makes no sense that the Urologist doesn't want to.  I just want it all to end.

Feeling better

I'm just posting this because I'm going to make up a detailed list of all my symptoms before my appointment with the urologist and since I have everything else on here it's just easier.  So after a rough day yesterday and a rough night, I'm feeling a good bit better.  I managed to go through all of Teddy's toys and get rid of a bunch.  I will probably be killing myself later but it was worth it to feel good enough to get some housework done that really, really needed to be done (like the 4 loads of clean laundry that have been sitting around that I finally folded). 

So that's 48 hours after starting medication, which is my typical average.  Now if only it wouldn't come back!

Urologist

I've been so bad about blogging about this pregnancy.  Basically, everything's great and I hardly notice I'm pregnant at all.  I'm starting to get really excited about the anatomy scan on January 15.  I still think I would have been fine not finding out, but Doug really wanted to know and now that it's scheduled I'm really anxious for it. 

But I'm still struggling with this kidney infection.  I tested positive again after my first round of antibiotics (after I was finally diagnosed) and they put me on Macrobid.  For a few days my kidney pain went away, then it came back with a vengeance on Christmas.  I called the OB and they got me in the same day to see a nurse practitioner.  I actually was afraid they were going to order IV treatment since I wasn't responding to the oral meds.  My urinalysis looked good so she said that there was nothing wrong and this was normal pain and I was exaggerating where it was at and how bad it hurt.  That I didn't have a UTI and I certainly didn't have a kidney infection and never did because I was never hospitalized.  I wanted to get up and walk out right then.  I demanded that she culture it anyway and asked for a referral to a urologist, which she wouldn't give.  She did order another kidney ultrasound, which is scheduled for January 3.  I am not sure if it's going to find anything, because it didn't before. 

I called my insurance and was able to make my own appointment with a urologist.  They were so nice and got me in fast, January 8th.  I'm a little nervous.  When I was sick with this a few years ago the office didn't send anything and the urologist looked at me and said that I probably never had a positive culture, just bad catches because I was fat.  I'm definitely not seeing that guy again but for example, this time I'm getting very clean catches that are still testing positive on cultures so I know that can't be the answer.  I'm not so sure what they can do for me since I'm pregnant but the point is that I'm not presenting according to the usual model that the OBs are used to dealing with and have no pregnancy problems so they're kind of in over their heads.  But everything I read, and my pcp agrees, says that a kidney infection, especially a chronic one caused by Group B Strep is a big deal.  I just want to be taken seriously by somebody. 

And then yesterday I got told that I did culture positive.  BIG FAT TOLD YOU SO, NP!!  They put me back on Amoxicillin and only for 10 days and I asked why since it didn't work the first time and they tried something in between.  The nurse just said that it's because I'm pregnant.  Ok, so should I not have been on the Macrobid?  I went home and did some research on GBS UTIs and it turns out that it's really only sensitive to Pennicilin and Macrobid isn't one.  Macrobid is great for other UTIs though, so they probably shouldn't have put me on it at all.  I'm already on a low dose of Macrobid until delivery to keep it from coming back but at this point it's not going away and it's a whole different issue to deal with then.

I'm so thankful for insurance right now but I'm sure they're not very thankful for me!  Hopefully I will get some answers on either the 3rd or the 8th.

Christmas

Finally getting around to post about Christmas!

We were so blessed by our friends and family this year.  Teddy got loads of awesome toys and clothes.  I think he got a little overwhelmed by having to open up the presents before getting to play with them and my FIL was so anal about making him pose with each picture.  Teddy kept running off to play with something he's had forever and sort of decompress and would come back and open a few more.

 It really bothers me how FIL gets with Teddy now.  He will not listen to anything Doug or I say about what we want him to do, what we think is best etc. and insist that Teddy sit this way, set the table, eat this or that.  I used to hate that he would basically ignore Teddy and just swing in and say hi and then walk off without explanation but I'm not so sure this is any better.  And he's been gone hunting a lot lately.  The other day he came home again and Teddy did not want to leave his side to go down for his nap (after FIL already ruined lunch due to insisting Teddy eat all of something and kept trying to bribe him with crackers).  I think he was really afraid that Grandad would be gone again for a long time without so much as saying good bye.

Anyway, back to Christmas.  We've started the tradition of giving Christmas jammies on Christmas Eve.  The big winners right now are the loads of Hot Wheels that he got, a CAT bulldozer that can be assembled and disassembled with a toy drill from Uncle Jon Jon, a tool set with a drill and screws (he already had several other types of tools) from my Dad, a toy wagon from my mom, a race and crash track from us and his favorite of all:  a Melissa and Doug latch and lock puzzle from my mom.  He will play with that puzzle for like 30 minutes.  We're still trying to sort through things, divide them up between the upstairs and downstairs etc. 

I got a lot of maternity clothes, which I really needed.  Doug got a good bit of shirts, which he also really needed.  And he was all excited about black socks- nerd. 

Overall the experience of family this Christmas was disappointing.  We left Alaska for lots of reasons but one of the main reasons we came back here versus anywhere else in the country was so Teddy could be near family.  And we have a good bit very close by and they always act like we don't even exist.  It was like that before but we thought after Teddy things would be different.  As much as I can complain about my family growing up, everyone local came together on Christmas and Thanksgiving.  I didn't hear from any of my siblings and we actually spent most of Christmas Day alone, just the 3 of us.  FIL even went to play basketball, after being gone and working most of the day.  Seriously, he will not work for weeks at a time to hunt etc. but doesn't think twice about planning it so he ends up having to work on Christmas Day.  My mom bailed after about 2 hours in the morning.  I couldn't even bear to make dinner as I planned and we ate Sheetz.

I guess as we have more children and they grow it will feel better, even if we don't have the presence of aunts and uncles, grandparents etc.  And I know that no matter where we end up in the world our family is complete as long as we have each other.

Name update

So, we have finally totally agreed on a girl name that we are absolutely in loooooooooove with!  We'll wait to share names until after the birth this time but at least now I'm not dreading the decision.

I will share the story though.  I've been stressed out about a lot of things, especially baby related.  I just keep freaking out that the timing is bad and that we were foolish.  But Doug has finally recognized that we need to move into our own place.  I just can't keep putting up with his dad.  Anyway, Doug said "Let's decide on a girl name, I think that would help you a lot."  Wow.  He hates talking about names.  So before I even said a word he proposed our now name and it was just perfect.  It made me cry!  Hearing it from his lips was just amazing.  Years ago when we started dating he called my name out one time and I just knew I'd marry him and listen to him say my name forever.  And this was just like this.

And this is the first real pregnancy thing we've done for this baby.  We haven't bought a thing yet or made up any real plans so this feels like a huge step and is making it much more real!  Doug was totally right!  Finally super excited instead of mostly terrified.

Names

Ugh.  Just as last time we're all over the place with girl names.  I blame Doug.  He already changed it from what we had "agreed" on last time.  So then that just kind of opened the door for me.  The problem is our criteria is picky and we really love everything on our short list.  It just feels like we'll never reach the moment where we can say "Yes, that's perfect!"  Boy names come so much easier for us!  I'm secretly praying we have another boy I but feel like this is a girl.  DH is absolutely convinced it is.  He's already calling it a "her."  So is everyone else, but that's probably just because they think we want one and want to have one of each.  We don't care, DH is just convinced it is because this pregnancy is pretty different.

If it's a girl I feel like I'll either have to settle on something or will end up pulling an audible in the hospital room with the name based on hormones and regretting it.

Flutters and sickness

I forgot to post yesterday that I've started feeling some flutters.  At first I'd feel them and then not for a few days.  Then the other week I felt them every day in the same spot and at the same time of day for the whole week.  And then one day I felt them almost all day every time I was standing or sitting still.  And then nothing for a week.  I've been kind of stressed out lately and it got me kind of worried.  But I know that's normal.  I never felt flutters with Teddy.  Or at least not that I knew what they were.  I know it's just so small right now and can hide in places that are harder to feel.  Then after a week I finally felt it again.  And now nothing and it's been a few days again.  But obviously everything is fine in there. 

And today I got the results from my urine culture that was done on Tuesday.  Yep, still sick.  Not surprised given my symptoms.  They put me on a different antibiotic for 7 days and then I will be on a suppressive antibiotic until delivery.  I just hope this works because I started feeling symptoms before I finished this last round of antibiotics.  I just want to get better and stay better. 

17 weeks

I had my OB appointment yesterday.  Baby sounded great on the doppler, forgot to ask how many beats per minute.  I have my 20 week appointment and anatomy scan scheduled for January 15!  Doug has convinced me we should find out the gender.  I almost asked them to measure my fundal height because I want confirmation that it's really high.  The second I eat my upper abs totally balloon up.  Everything is just super crammed up there.  I get full really fast, and then am hungry 10 seconds later.  They sent my urine out  for a culture as was the plan.  I started having symptoms again on Thursday while still on antibiotics.  It's getting rather annoying and old. 

On the plus side I've only gained 2 pounds.  Though I'm not eating very good at all, caving to a lot of cravings and being rushed with meals at the house AND having a certain kiddo or two always wanting to swipe my food.  I'm worried that all the weight gain will catch up to me at once any time now.  I bought a maternity tank top form Target, much better than the one I got last time from Old Navy.  Perfect for layering.  And a maternity t-shirt.  It's short sleeved but it's really long so I can layer it over my long sleeve shirts that are too short.  I'm hoping that I will get a few maternity clothes for Christmas.  I will definitely need to buy more soon because I'm already huuuuuge.  I don't know where it's coming from since I've barely gained any weight and I don't think I'm smaller any where else.  I really need to post a pic sometime.

Doug and I celebrated our 8 year anniversary yesterday as well!  We had an Applebee's gift card so we went out to lunch after my appointment and we also had a movie gift card which we've been hoarding for just the right movie and occasion and we saw The Hobbit.  I haven't read the book and I never read Lord of the Rings either but I did like the movies a good bit.  The Hobbit was even better, in my opinion.  Bilbo is by far the coolest Hobbit.  I'm not sure about ever seeing another movie in a theater again though.  It's just easier to watch them at home.  I can pause it so I can pee 15 times, lay down on the couch, control the volume etc.  Doug of course really wants to see Part 2 next year but I'm not so sure I'll go.  Another 3 hour movie and I'll only have a 6 month old so feedings could be an issue.  It was nice to not have to worry about keeping it low so we wouldn't wake up Teddy and watch it in the middle of the day instead of having to wait until 9 when we're already exhausted.

Finally a diagnosis!

I posted last week about all my kidney stuff.

I saw my pcp who has treated all my other kidney infections and understands my history of all that.  I had to wait a few extra days to see him, but it was worth it.  He confirmed that he didn't think it was normal at all, even for pregnancy and that it was definitely kidney related.  He said that we could try some other tests but let's start with another urine culture.  That was on a Thursday and I didn't get results until yesterday, but I was positive for Group B Strep and "a few other things".  I have no idea why this didn't show up on the urine culture from the ER or the other one I had done a few weeks ago.  He wanted the OB to be the one to prescribe medication.  So I didn't get started on that until this afternoon.  The nurse I spoke to said she "can't believe he didn't treat this" after listening to my symptoms and how long I had them.  Um, I was seen by an OB too who said everything was fine.  He just didn't want to overstep his bounds.  Anyway, started on Amoxicillin, which usually doesn't do much for me but I know they need to start on the low stuff.  I have resorted to using some Tylenol before bed just so I can sleep some and using a heating pad a few times a day for a few minutes.  The kidney pain can be so bad.  It's been so upsetting to be treated like this and be told everything was fine and that it was all normal.  I will finish the dose a few days before my next appointment and they will test and culture my urine then.  This is technically my second one while pregnant, though the first one I was very early on (didn't even know I was pregnant).  That one lingered for at least a few weeks and I had to take a few rounds of medication but I started feeling better and my temp returned to normal so I figured all was well.  I had recurrent infections for 9 months from 2007-2008, so I'm not even sure if the one in September really went away.  I'm going to be vigilant about having them test me and follow up.  I've read that if it happens more than once they will put me on constant low dose antibiotics, which might really be the best idea given my history.  I'm just looking forward to feeling better and being able to function better again.  The way the pain has been and with the chills it's been difficult to try to act as if all is normal and parent as I normally would.

So, I'm assuming that the dating on my last ultrasound was correct, which would put EDD at May 29th.  I'm pretty sure they won't officially change it which will probably be better for my chances of VBAC if I don't have other complications that would make them want to do a repeat c-section.  I'm ok with them saying no entirely to the VBAC but since they did say there's a small chance I'll hold on to that.  So, that puts me at 15 weeks today.  I tried doing a pic but I look gross right now.  I think baby is hitting another growth spurt because I've been really hungry today but generally I get full super fast and don't really want anything to eat at all after 7.  Last week at the pcp's office I still hadn't gained anything.  I can't remember what I had gained by this point with Teddy but it was at least a few pounds. 

Ohh and I think I'm starting to feel some flutters.  It's generally in the same spot and around the same time of day or when I'm really quiet and still (so when Teddy is asleep, lol).  So exciting!

14 weeks and kidney trouble

For weeks now I've been complaining about having chills.  I'll just get so cold!  I'll layer myself up and wrap myself up in my robe and a blanket and not even want to move.  I avoid errands now because it means cold outside, I don't even want to open my refrigerator if I'm not for sure reaching for the milk or something.  I'm totally short changing Teddy about outside play and I hate it.

I've also had a lot of urinary urgency.  It will suddenly feel like I have a full 8 pound baby bouncing on my bladder and I have to run to the restroom.  A lot of times there's not much in there.  I'm sure I'm not drinking enough or before this, peeing enough, so that probably isn't helping.  I went to walk in hours at my general physician's office and they did a urinalysis and sent it off for culture and started me on antibiotics in the meantime.  Culture came back negative so I was to stop antibiotics.  I said I was still having symptoms and more by then including burning with urination and they told me to follow up with my OB.  By this point it was a Thursday and they said if it wasn't better by Monday to call again and come in.  Well, the burning with urination started to come and go, it wasn't constant.  So most of that week went by and things were ok.  Over the weekend I started having bladder pain and cramping.  The next week I had my 12 week appointment and they said my urinalysis was fine and they didn't want to culture it.  And that as long as the pain came and went it was fine. 

That was a Tuesday.  On Saturday afternoon around 3:45, I was woken from my nap with the most intense awful pain in my mid-back I've ever had in my whole life.  Worse than anything I could imagine and I never ever want to experience it again.  And it was terrifying.  I kept trying to move to get comfortable and when that didn't work I instantly recognized it was my kidneys since I've had so many kidney infections.  But this was so much worse.  The pain lasted for 10 minutes and I frantically called my mom and Doug, my sister and my brother trying to get ahold of someone that could come help me because Teddy was due to wake up and I was in such pain I just wanted to die.  I was crying and trying to not scream from the pain, I could barely talk.  Finally the pain subsided and I was able to get to him and then my mom came over.  Over the next few hours the pain was at a constant 6-7 out of 10 and then I'd get stabbing pains up to a 9.  After Doug got off work I called the OB on call for my practice.  He only talked to me for a few seconds, said it could be a kidney stone or infection and if I didn't think I could make it until Monday to go to the ER.  Well, I wanted a bit more guidance than that.  ER visits are expensive after all and from what I understand the general treatment for a kidney stone is just some pain medication and lots of fluids.  So we called the nurse line for our insurance and she talked with me for about 12 minutes.  After explaining the whole history and the current situation she really thought it was a kidney stone too and that of course it's always better safe than sorry when you're pregnant.

So we got there around 8:30 and didn't leave until 1.  They did a bladder and kidney ultrasound and didn't see a stone.  My urinalysis didn't look too bad they said but they decided to culture it.  I still haven't heard back on that.  They sent me home and apparently the OB on call said that it sounded like normal pregnancy stuff to him.  No.  Not normal at all.  At all.  I know where my kidneys are.  I know where my bladder is.  I know the baby is too little to cause this sort of pain.  My ankles and knees hurt when I go down the stairs sometimes.  That is normal because you produce more relaxin during pregnancy.  Having such awful kidney pain that you want to die, is not normal.  And I have a long history of problems with UTIs and kidney infections. 

I am not going to follow up with the OB until my pcp which has handled all the other infections and knows all about my history tells me I need to.  I feel like everyone else is blowing me off.  I was supposed to see him yesterday but it had to be moved until tomorrow.  And in the mean time my kidneys are still hurting around a 6 but no more shooting pain there.  Last night I was having a lot of stabbing and shooting pain in my bladder and even urethra.  And yes, I know it's my urethra and not my cervix, again not that it would matter because baby only weighs an ounce.

But, at the ER they did an ultrasound on the baby.  Looking great and measuring a week ahead of OB's date and much closer to mine.  So I'm more convinced than ever that my date is right and that maybe it's measuring a few days behind.  So, there, I was right!  So basically, I'm 14 weeks today instead of only 13.  Or, according to my date 14w3d but I'll spot them the 3 days.

2 year stats and 12 week appointment

Teddy had his 2 year check up last week.  He measured at 34 pounds and 35 inches.  95% for weight and 75% for height.  I might try measuring him again, he didn't stand still the best.  The doctor thought he was going to be in a higher percentile just from looking at him.  I can never remember the head but it was 75% as well.  He is on track for everything and even ahead in a lot of places.  He hated the shots and I asked for them to a blood draw to check his iron level.  He hated that big time.  His iron came back fine.  I was just worried because for several weeks he was sleeping 12-13 hours at night and then sleeping 2-2.5 hours during the day but would still ask to sleep a lot and had dark circles under his eyes.  He didn't have any nasal symptoms so we ruled out allergies.  But all is well.  He had a bad cold this weekend and was super grumpy but is much better today.

Baby's check up was today!  Heartbeat measured at 150.  Teddy measured around 130 at this point and according to old wive's tales boys measure below 140 and girls measure above.  We'll see, I'm still about 2 months away from finding out the gender.  I have decided I do want to find out the gender.  We will be thrilled either way.  On one hand I would like to experience a girl eventually.  We want 3 or 4 kids, if everything goes well with my future pregnancies and deliveries and I can get pregnant so easily again.  Of course if I never have a girl that's ok.  Doug really thinks this one is a girl and says he really wants another boy too.  He claims he will go until we have 10 kids to get another boy.  Yeah, good luck convincing the person who has to grow them of that, buddy!!  Anyway, a boy now would be great too because we already have all the clothes! 

They didn't measure my fundal height today.  I was hoping they would because when I do it at the house (pretty sure I'm doing it right) I'm measuring 14 cm.  I was hoping that would be enough for them to think "hmm...let's do another ultrasound" and then baby would have caught up to my expected due date.  I was told we'd do one at 10 weeks for dating purposes, that they like that time the best.  But at the 8 week one to check for heartbeat they never mentioned it.  Teddy measured 10 days behind and then caught up at the 8 week one.  This one measured 12 days behind and didn't catch up.  But I wonder if it would be different after just another week or two.  When there's more things to measure than just a blob.

Not that it really matters.  Honestly, the later date would probably be better in terms of us getting things together.  It would just be a matter of pride that my date was correct, that I knew what was going on with my body.  I don't know, I guess I might have ovulated while I was puking my guts out, I wasn't exactly checking for signs during those 3-4 days.  It's just all so weird.  That I ovulated on my own at all.  And then that it would have been after I thought it had been?  What was what I experienced earlier then? 

I think we've decided to stay with FIL for another year and probably remodel the unfinished part of the basement.  Right now we moved our bed out of the big open room in the basement to what was the furnace/storage room.  Except it's burning me up at night and since there isn't any partition between the furnace and us (aside from junk hidden behind a curtain) it's kind of noisy too.  Just noisy enough to keep me from falling back to sleep if I wake up to pee or am dealing with insomnia (which is happening a lot!)  This would get us out of that room and we could put in a finished bathroom instead of hiking upstairs.  We're just in the planning stage, we probably wouldn't start until February after Doug gets his first bonus.  And that will allow me some time to be sure it's what I want.  FIL has been gone hunting for weeks now (comes back for a day or two and goes again) so it's been really nice but I might have forgotten what a pain it is when he's here.

 Financially it makes the most sense.  I just need to hold on another year or two-- or get a full time job that can somehow pay for two kids in full time childcare and have money leftover.  Not going to hold my breath for that to happen.  And honestly, I don't want it to.  If we didn't have this option, we would have done something for us to be able to afford our own place to live, even if it was tiny.  But I am fully aware that I am choosing this lifestyle.  It comes with a price.  If I want to be home with my kids then even if Doug were making $100,000 a year I wouldn't be spending it on a bunch of luxuries.  But even on his current salary we can make ends meet if I lower my expectations of my lifestyle.  It means renting or living with family (again, NOT for free, but still a little cheaper).  It means frugal meals (but still healthy!)  It means very few presents.  It means older vehicles.  Less or no eating out.  No times out with friends, but times in can be nice.  Very few or no product parties.  No manicures, no massages, no fancy phones, no photo sessions, no camera, no new clothes or shoes and if so definitely clearance or second hand and only if truly a need.  We down graded from our iphones.  If we had our own place we definitely wouldn't have cable and probably would cut out internet too but FIL wants them and he pays for them.  We're mindful of our trips to town and to friend's houses to save on gas.  And you won't hear me complain about this lifestyle that I'm choosing to live.  I just wish others that do live outside their means wouldn't then complain when they think they still don't have enough and think that they deserve to have that before other people have basic needs met and that them living outside their means is someone else's (namely the government's) fault.  And they certainly don't need to loudly proclaim how "bad" they have it on facebook and then throw a giant fit when someone shows them how blessed they are. 

But if all goes well in about a year Doug will be general manager of his store and will be making a lot (to us) more.  And I'm still thinking about finishing my master's.  I definitely want to do it eventually.  It's just a matter of, should I do it when the kids are little or should I wait until my youngest is a bit more independent?  If I can teach even a few classes online a year I can pay off what I owe in loans and put some aside for kids college and retirement.  But all those are 'maybes' and we have certainly learned that maybes don't always work out and to not put much faith in them.  Living for today, we are blessed.  We have plenty of food, shelter, clothes and love.  We are blessed beyond measure.

Teddy is 2!!!

Freshly cleaned off and cuddling with mommy

One year old!

Almost 2 and cheesing for the camera.

 I'm really having a hard time believing that my little guy is 2!  He started out just a tiny thing inside me and depending on me for everything and even after he was out he needed me most of the time because he was breastfed.  And now he's so independent and prefers Daddy and Bom Bom (Grandma) to me half the time!  I savor each and every hug and kiss, every time he grabs my hand and wants to go somewhere.  Every time he calls my name, asks me a question or wants to play.  He is just the sweetest thing.

I don't brag about him too much because I don't want to put pressure on him later in life, set myself up to think that all my children will be this way or make it sound like I'm putting others down.  But really, he is soo stinking smart.  Which is mostly a good thing, but not always, haha!  He has known the whole alphabet for months, knows numbers, can count to 10 and even 20 with help.  He has whole books and songs memorized.  He can speak in 4 word sentences already.  And he has an excellent memory.  He will remember weeks later that a friend came over and will ask about them and want to see them again.  He is so determined and wants to do so much on his own, and most of the time can.  I tend to just sit back and see if he can do it on his own before interfering.  If he's struggling or seems upset I ask "Do you want help?"  With discipline I try to see what he's going to do before I say no to him.  For example, the church choir practices in the fellowship hall.  He's been obsessed with opening and closing doors for about a year now.  He will wander all over the hall and get close to the door.  For a few weeks we had some issues with him wanting to open it, or wanting to wander out when one of the other kids opened it.  But honestly, after only reprimanding him a few times now he doesn't try it anymore.  He will get close to it, just walking by but doesn't run to it and try to open it.  I like that he has confidence to walk by temptation and not cave in.  And last weekend in the church nursery he went over towards the microwave (which is at his height and he always wants to open the door, press the buttons etc.) and didn't touch it.  I had my head turned for a second but I was told that he looked at it and then me for a second and walked on.  Sooo great!!

I will have official stats tomorrow after his check up.

His birthday party was on Saturday, November 10th.  It was originally planned for Monday the 12th but Doug's work schedule got changed due to the hurricane.  Surprisingly, that actually meant less people could come.  But it worked out decently because it was crowded when we were all in one room.

He was so blessed with presents!  Grandma especially got him quite a few things including a pop up tent and the food and dishes to go with his kitchen that we bought him.  We got him a kitchen from Once Upon a Child for $20 and some Melissa and Doug puzzles.  One is modes of transportations complete with noises and the other is farm animals.  He also got clothes, lots of books, a dancing lion, a mini Thomas the train ramp, a cool flashlight, a new dump truck (made in the US of recycled products), a mini tow truck, coloring books, a chalkboard.  I know I'm forgetting a few things but the list is upstairs and I'm tired.  He's really enjoying them all.  I might put a few things away to pull out over the months because I'm cheap like that instead of buying presents year round as he gets bored with what he has.

It was supposed to be barnyard theme but Doug didn't think we should take down FIL's pictures and stuff so we could fully decorate.  So aside from the invitations and handed out toy tractors, I don't think anyone had a clue.  I served popcorn chicken.  I almost went with a Chick-fil-a tray because they're sooo good but these were very tasty (from Sharp Shopper and I splurged and deep fried instead of baking) and way cheaper.  Also served pigs in a blanket, macaroni and cheese baked in muffin tins which were perfect for tiny hands, veggie tray, fruit tray, chips and dip.  Dessert was home made cupcakes, both vanilla and chocolate with homemade buttercream vanilla frosting.  And homemade rice krispie treats.  I offered juice and milk including strawberry or chocolate flavorings for the kids but I think all of them went with juice.  I don't think anyone got a picture of the food or the desserts etc.  But we did manage to get pictures of him blowing out the candle this year versus last year so that works for me.

Inspecting his kitchen before guests arrive

Hanging out for a few minutes before we started chowing down.  All the kids loved the balloons!

Getting ready to blow!

He blew it out!  He knows candles are hot and not to touch so I thought he'd be afraid of it but he did great!

Micah agrees the cupcake is good!

Cousin Kayla liked it too!  Poor Noah is feeling left out!

Eating some ice cream to go with it.

Worked up a thirst!  Big boy knows to use 2 hands for cups now!

Love this one!  It took a couple of tries to get the post cupcake face.

Opening presents.

What is family?

So this has practically nothing to do with Teddy or the baby but I don't really know what other outlet I can use.  Well, actually it does, I'm talking about the type of family I want to give my children.

I think I've hinted before that my family is messed up, for anyone who doesn't know all the details.  I can't go into it all here but it's pretty heavy.  There's a long history of drug and alcohol abuse and by the grace of God He has kept me from that.  My grandmother died in May and she had 9 kids, not counting my mother 4 of them lived in the same state as me.  Sadly, I never got to be close to her, really.  She was just never very affectionate.  She lived 4 hours away and only once did she come and visit us.  For a few years before death she had poor health, so of course that makes sense.  But growing up, how could it possibly have been harder for her to visit us than it was for my mother to drive 4 kids on no money in a near broken down car to visit them?  Once there we were always torn apart between the aunts and uncles.  Lord forbid we want to spend time to ourselves.  Everything was always tense and it felt like these people were strangers.  As a child I always felt a sense of love for them even though they did feel like strangers.  I accepted, as children do, that because of blood I should love them.  As I got older I noticed personality flaws, quite frankly some of my relatives are total screw ups, most of them jerks and also flat out irresponsible with drinking and pot smoking.  There came a time when I began to think to myself "If I weren't related I wouldn't even want to know these people."

We wouldn't get many phone calls or letters.  They would frequently miss birthdays and Christmases but then every once in awhile one of the four of us would get a present from one of them.  Of course they didn't seem to keep any sort of list to not miss one or not start in the middle of the year and the other kids get missed out on.  We just weren't a close family.  Even now, I will not find out that one of my aunts has breast cancer or another one is scheduled for surgery tomorrow until my mother puts in a prayer request at church, in which she usually did not know until earlier that day.  But they were always close with each other.  One of my aunts moved to Florida.  She still kept in touch with the other VA family quite well.  The non-VA family were the big time 'screw ups.'  One stayed in California when the family moved in 1973, she was 16.  I still don't know all these stories because they bring up so much pain in my mother and aunt to talk about.  But anyway, Mom was also deemed a screwup too (the long back story I'm not fully disclosing) so why bother keeping in touch with her and her bratty children?

Remember when I said I really loved my family even though they said things like that to us and treated us differently?  I did.  The one aunt I still loved, I suppose since she moved far away I wasn't exposed to personality flaws.  Well, in all the election fall out she and her family have just said some very hurtful things to me.  Literally to me.  Not about the other party or anything, but to me.  And yes, not enough for just her, but my 15 year old cousin too.  Awesome.  And hiding behind the premise that 'I don't know what they go through.'  True, I don't.  Because no one talks to me.  And never has.  And my phone calls and e-mails would go unanswered so I don't even try anymore.  But I know for sure you're not homeless or starving, so yeah, your life is better than a lot of people.  That's fact, it's not my fault you said it wasn't.  And I'm not even talking about better than me, but about the fact that there are starving children and yours are not.  You should be thankful for that.  I am thankful that I have experienced poverty so that I can be thankful for everything I have.  Maybe that's the problem.

What hurts is that it shouldn't hurt.  It shouldn't hurt that these people that I really don't know and obviously don't care about me have hurt me.  It shouldn't hurt worse than anything else out there, but it does.  Why should family treat each other that way?  I should be able to point out a flaw in an argument without getting my head bit off by.  Why can't we all talk to each other?  Why do half of my grandmother's kids refuse to talk to the other half?  Over things that happened 40 years ago?  I hate that my grandmother died knowing her children wouldn't band together upon her death.  Knowing that several would refuse to do anything if "that one" comes.  And I can't imagine how awful it must hurt to have raised children that do that.  I think I would die if my kids hated each other that way. 

Right now it's hard for me to talk to my siblings about a lot of things because they're young and doing a lot of stupid things.  I don't talk to them a lot so I can be nice and not just yell at them about all the stupid things they're doing.  But I don't hate them and I have forgiven them for anything hurtful they have done, I pray they can do the same for me.  And I will love them no matter what they do.  And I will always believe the best for them.  I might not agree with it all and I might not be silent about it all but they will always be my siblings and my first best friends. 

If there is one thing I want to be able to accomplish as a mother it is that my children will love each other and learn to be friends.  I know it will be difficult some days, if not most.  It might not happen until they're adults but I would not  be able to stand the division that is in my family. 

And it's my only family.  I don't know my biological father's side at all and my step-father and his family decided some odd years after the divorce that they didn't want to claim me either.  Does anyone know how much it hurts to call a man "Dad" and to accept him even though he left a lot wanting and was immature to suddenly see Dad revoked on a card and it turn into just his name.  What is that?  But at least I still get a card, at least there's some sign that he cares.  Sometimes I just feel so alone.  So instead I'm trying to embrace my husband's family, which is quite a pill to swallow sometimes.  But at least they all talk to each other.  And sadly attempts of making friends into family hasn't worked at all because all of them really do have families that they love and like and there's just no forgetting that you're only a friend. 

So my conclusion is that I want my children to know that family is not optional.  This is your one and only family.  Love them.  Always be the one that can see the good in them.  Be their cheerleader.  Pick them up when they are down.  Be their shoulder to cry on.  Realize that you're all equal in your Father's sight and in your earthly parents too.  I want home to be something worth coming home to.

And hellloooo pregnancy hormones because this has had me sooo upset all last night and all day today and probably all tonight too.