Sigh. In the last few weeks I've suddenly gotten really into reading again. This means I'm trying to escape reality. Turns out my voracious hunger in high school for reading, even mundane things like text books, was because I hated my reality. Not that the reality of my life now is anywhere close to the reality it was then. God has been faithful to me. But, I'm still unhappy with how things are turning out.
Doug finally got on board with us looking for a place to move. Finally realized how difficult his dad is as a roommate, how little privacy there is. The space isn't insanely small, but it's just not ours. And the terror of adding a newborn into the mix. So we officially started looking on February 1st but I browsed for most of January, to get an idea of the market. We haven't rented since 2006. And honestly, the market is a bit confusing. I'm seeing things that are relatively the same size (900-1000 sq ft/2bed,1bath) and the same town range from $500-700+. That seems odd. Especially when it's a small town like Grottoes. There's not really "bad" neighborhoods there. Looking at a place like Staunton, which would be close to Doug's work, is even scarier. Everything we can afford is in the scary parts of town. Realistically, we need to be closer to $550-600 a month. I'd like to take the time to point out that when we bought our condo our mortgage was $575, when the market was high, for a 4 bed, 2 bath apartment in town. Not the best neighborhood but not unsafe either and when we bought it there weren't roaches or anything in there either (thank you nasty tenants who were our "friends" and the HOA manager who got indited and imprisoned for embezzlement rather than paying to fix the outdated pipes). It was cheaper to buy that place than it was to rent a 2 bedroom in the same town. But now we can't even find that price in a good part of town and without peeling paint, windows with gaps etc.
Also, like I said, we don't have (in state) rental history since before 2006. Our last landlords moved out of state, last I heard, and I would have no clue how to contact them. And our credit is still really bad from the bankruptcy. Not terrible, but not great. Pretty sure it was probably worse in 2006 actually since we were just starting out with credit, but no one wants to hear that now. Things have changed so much. People won't even give us an application to apply.
And there are downsides to moving. FIL might annoy me most of the time he's home and awake and moving around, but eventually he leaves. And if I am feeling especially moody or not up to his crap, I can try to hide out in the basement. It gets sticky around dinner time, which he only ever interrupts when Doug works. What is the deal with that?! And while we have cabinetry, a mini fridge, a microwave and a sink downstairs I can't really cook in it. We tried with a hot plate and it got fried. Apparently the wiring is pretty bad down here. But is any of this worse than living near neighbors I don't know? Who never leave? We have seldom seen a house for rent we can afford. It will be a townhouse (meaning attached on at least one side) or an apartment. If it's an apartment I then have to decide between having a neighbor on my head or lugging 2 kids and things up a flight of stairs and across a parking lot. I've done it with Teddy before and it's not fun either. And there's just noise. There are people leaving for work at 3 am and stomping on the steps. There are car alarms going off and horns honking for rides, deliveries to the wrong apartment banging on your door. FIL might not succeed in being quiet but he does try a little and isn't as bad as those things happening. But then I realize I haven't had a kitchen to myself since December 2009 and I really miss it. I miss having my own house and the privacy.
And once again I'm left feeling dumb for going off bcp when I did, even though after 7 years of infertility you think you'd be able to count on that. Even though I went in a prayer line, I didn't expect a miracle, I expected eventual healing. I'm not complaining, just not understanding.
So right now our choices are applying for low income housing and it still be tight on our budget, or staying with my FIL and trying to work on some of the things that we can fix, like maybe a thick runner and pad in the hallway and drywalling around the furnace so it doesn't rattle behind my head all night long (and keep me up).
I'm such a mess right now. I think on the one hand, while apartment life isn't great, plenty of people do it, and it would be ours. There are several parks in Grottoes that could make up for not having a yard, there's even a grocery store, general stores and restaurants now. It's grown a good bit since I first moved there when I was 14. It takes a lot of pride swallowing to consider applying for government assistance. I grew up on it. But I didn't make stupid choices. I didn't get involved with bad men, drink, do drugs, run away from home etc. like most of the residents, my mother and other family members did. My decisions at least had a potential to turn out well. But really, unless we relocate for me to work full time somewhere using my degree and I can somehow get over putting my kids in full time daycare and juggling work and home life, there's nothing I can do about it. I disagree with the idea that because I have a degree I need to use it right now, and because I have it means I should somehow be just as capable as juggling everything. It doesn't make me less anything because I can't juggle being a working mom. Being a working mom is a new phenomenon and I have immense respect for those that do it but that should not be the standard to judge me by. But then on the other hand, it really feels ridiculous to live with FIL, in his basement, with 2 kids and after having a college degree and being married 8 years. I feel like society expects me to suck it up, either via work or government assistance, even though we don't live here free and even though our money would still be tight (because daycare is insane versus job availability and they can pay low right now because everyone is looking).
I guess when I take away my thoughts on what society wants of me, it's smartest to stay here. We can actually save and will be closer to our own home. Doug will most likely be getting a promotion, it's just a matter of when and the fact that I didn't want to sit here forever and end up worrying about it all and moving at 9 months pregnant. I filled out the Section 8 application and then sat down and did the math and just immediately felt like a voice was telling me we were making a mistake.
And when I realize what God did for me, that He's ultimately in control even though I can not remotely see where my next step is right now.
And good Lord these children better appreciate this. Because it might honestly be easier on me to throw them in daycare, work my butt off and never spend time with them and bring home $30 a week and/or live in government housing than it is to continue to live with my FIL, as I'm reminded because he just stomped on my head 6 times back and forth consecutively. He'd get half way down the hall and then turn around again, again and again. What on earth?!! And it's not just that he stomps, but that I then have to have stupid conversations with him about things that don't interest me at all and center entirely on him being conceited. Oh, wait, he just went by again. AND I can hear him on the phone.
And again, I'm worried about having a newborn in this again because it about killed me with Teddy. Or maybe I should say I about killed someone else, lol! ;)
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