25 years old!

So today's my birthday! I'm taking it better than I did last year. I was totally spazzing because I realized I was in my mid-20s and my early 20s were spent on work and school. Not that I'm the party type but it's like I never even had a chance to breathe! In the 5 years we've been married we've seldom been able to do things with friends, visit family, have a vacation, go anywhere etc. But this year feels a little better. Maybe I just feel like I'm accomplishing something because I'm having a baby in a few months.

So aside from that there's another reason for me to post extra this week. A friend from church had twin girls almost 2 weeks ago and lost one on Thursday. During her pregnancy they detected a heart problem with Baby A and thought that she would need surgery right after birth. Then she started having contractions early and had to go on bed rest, and was later even hopsitalized. The main concern was that the baby's lungs needed to reach a certain development to handle the surgery. Happily, she made it past the safe point even and the surgery was not done right away. To me, things were really looking up. Then later I was told that since she was under 5 pounds she may not survive surgery, and she may also not surive without it. I don't know if they did the surgery or not, I never heard anything else about it. Everything I do know came from Facebook.

Even though it's not my baby, I'm feeling a lot of emotions. I couldn't imagine loosing Teddy. And I'm angry because I feel so unprepared for her death. With our faith, we believe in miracles, we believe in healing. But it's all part of God's plan, it may serve a greater purpose not to be healed. In all, Abigial has it better, heaven over life on earth. It's just when I'm sick or there's something going on with me physically, I try to be honest with people about it. There are times when people who don't even know me, but rather other believers on facebook, have said that I lack faith to admit those problems. In this case, every time I talked to someone (except the last time) I was given the impression that surgery would fix the problem, but it would be great if that wasn't even needed. I know people who have had heart surgery upon birth and I've heard other stories. Maybe I just didn't realize how dangerous it was still in 2010, but I still feel like the situtaion was described to me like this "either the Lord will heal her, or the doctors will." I prayed for them all the same, I suppose it wouldn't have made much of a difference if I was told that she would probably die, but this was the first time I've ever been entirely positive and hopeful of everything turning out fine, and I've been utterly crushed. I guess I just don't have enough faith to even begin to understand why this had to happen, why she even had to live at all to only die 9 days later.

To make it worse, I've barely even talked to Stephanie in all these years. As I said, we couldn't even keep up wiht our current friends, let alone make new ones. I was still in Alaska when I heard about the complications with the pregnancy and I sent a card. I didn't know if I should try calling, upon coming back I didn't know if I should visit, especially while we were trying to get settled. Then before I knew it, she was in labor. Now, I don't know if she'd even want to see me. I almost wish I wasn't even pregnant to make her feel better. When I was struggling to get pregnant after years and years of trying it was difficult to see other pregnant women having everything I ever dreamed of. Maybe Stephanie's just way sweeter and nicer than me, but everytime I try to put myself in her shoes I think that the last person I'd want to be around is a very pregnant lady. I finally had a chance to buy them a gift last week (before Abigial's death) since we didn't have a Target in Fairbanks and there wasn't a lot available online. Now I have no clue if I should give it to her still, or when etc. I can't imagine the pain of losing one but still having to take care of another. The sorrow of expecting to bring home 2 and only having 1.

So for all my complaining, I am grateful. I know how blessed I am. But I want to be totally honest in this blog. I knew there were pregnancy symptoms out there that were not pleasant, but the few friends I had that had been pregnant either practically witheld information or never complained of these weird symptoms. Just the other day I read that belly buttons don't always pop. Why would that information need to be concealed?! So, for my other friends reading this who may be pregnant one day, I want to be honest about how I feel, even though I know it's not as awful as most and that I'm blessed beyond measure compared to some. So SPD sucks, and it's horrible to know that I'm going to be in pain every day until Teddy comes, but I'll take that any day over most of the alternatives.