So I've had it, I'm pulling out all the stops and explaining why I feel justified complaining. On principle I am not against anyone complaining though, I think it's good for people to air things out. Just to warn you, this is going to be looooong! And if you don't want to read about complaining then don't!
So, in May/June of 2009 Doug and I moved to Alaska. We felt like God was calling us, it was decided really spur of the moment. In fact, a fire was practically lit under Doug. One night he's saying "maybe we should go" and the next morning he's up and looking at jobs and cost of living etc. I've never seen him in such a planning mode. He was even offered a better job in Harrisonburg before we left and he turned it down because he was that sure of Alaska. For those that don't know Doug very well, it's all very unlike him. He's hardly very sure of anything, few things get under his skin and he's not a planner.
We didn't know anything about the church there, in fact it was only just before Doug leaving that I was even able to confirm there was a church up there that believed in Bro. Branham. Or rather, that there was, as the information was 2 years old. The next closest one was in Anchorage, about 8 hours away. We were timid, but knew that we would lift the church up no matter its problems. The only way we were not going to the church is if there were doctrinal problems that the leadership espoused/refused to correct. For example, some crazy people twist Bro. Branham's teachings on marriage and divorce into saying that polygamy for men is allowed. Not remotely what the man actually said, taught, believed etc. And if somehow someone was able to prove that is what he said, I know it's not Biblical and that would be the end of the discussion. Doug and I (and most others we know) measure everything in the "Message" with the Bible. We believe the Bible vindicates it as right, not that you just take it because this man said it in the 1950s. We know there's no such thing as a perfect church. Through facebook someone told me that the church in Fairbanks had problems and I asked if she meant doctrinal things and she said no, so we were content with the decision.
At Doug's first service (before I got there) he was really worked on by the Lord. He showed him that he hadn't been very faithful. He put work and friends over Church. There were times when he was unable to come to church for months at a time due to work, and while he was always looking for something else he never had faith to just quit and leave it to God. In short, he was backslidden and he finally was able to admit it. Honestly, it was like a complete turn around in him. I was usually the one saying "we just need to trust God" and now he was finally saying it. It was a nice scenario!
When I got there, I tried finding out some things about the church. I found out that there were actually two churches in Anchorage, one of them affiliated with the church in Fairbanks and one that was pastored by Bro. Flint Take who our pastor had met, recommended meeting up with and even preached in our church in VA (when I was 16). I was told by the Fairbanks crowd that there was no ill blood and that they were actually about an hour apart, so some people just chose the church closest to them. I tried contacting Bro. Takes' wife on facebook. She didn't divulge a lot of information, but said that it wasn't really doctrinal either and that put me more at ease. I was told all sorts of other things. The church had only been around for a few years, later I learned it was around 20+ years and had drastic membership changes frequently.
Around the time we arrived a group from Idaho arrived as well. Initially the church only had a "missionary pastor" and now they were getting a full time pastor. No one remotely alluded to the fact that they were associated with this church in Idaho for 20+ years and sent its offering money to it etc. The new "pastor" even said he wasn't a pastor, he was a missionary. He left frequently to do missionary trips, which initially seemed great. There was this organization they always talked about Worldwide Missionary Outreach (WMO) which handled all the arrangements of the missionary work. Brothers and sisters from many churches would go at once, money was collected, fundraisers etc. When I first asked about it I was told that it was just a loose affiliation between the churches. We found out months later that the church in Idaho started it, and THEN started the other churches. One man, the Fairbanks pastor's brother, was in charge of everything and every decision. To add to this, their father had travelled with Bro. Branham. Initially I was led to believe he was even dead since he wasn't in charge anymore (he's been sick for years but still alive) and also they really exaggerate how well he knew Bro. Branahm.
We also noticed sermons were based on "Bro. Branham told Dad...", and that's when the sermons were actually sermons. More often than not they were simply testimony services, or a convoluted mess of confusion with ministers stating things like "David must have doubted God when he picked up 5 stones instead of just 1 to kill Goliath with." It's not gosepl or anything but Bro. Branham always likened the 5 stones as this: f-a-i-t-h in j-e-s-u-s. 5 fingers around 5 stones. Other statements were things like "Abraham didn't even have the promise of bulls and goats. There weren't even sacrifices." Ok, well Isaac knew what was going on! It was not the first time they had done a sacrifice! One of the ministers was formerly Catholic and always quoted the scripture "God is not slack concerning his promises" and then would preach on how awful we all were and unworthy we are of anything even after accepting grace and God will not forget his promises of destroying the unjust. Well, the context of that scripture is that God will not forget his promises to bless those that serve him. There's a boatload of other scritpures about how permeating God's redemptive love and power are, how we all sin and come short daily but God keeps forgiving. Little things, but it speaks to a larger picture. There was no real leadership that was lead by the Lord.
After a few months the church decided to build a building, as they were renting currently. I was downstairs preparing for my Sunday School lesson when I overheard (since they were right outside my open classroom door) a "deacon" meeting where they said the sign to the church would read: Worldwide Missionary Outreach. Not even the name of the church. The Idaho organization for missionary work was more important than the sovreignty of the church.
Speaking of Sunday School, I was told all I should do is teach them songs and little stories about David & Goliath etc. My students were aged 4-13. I divided the lessons according to age group and had them memorize scripture. I know they have more responsibility at school! I would ask questions about the topic that would have them think etc. All totally appropriate for their ages. A piece of doctrine crucial to our beliefs is that of serpent seed. I was going through Genesis and wrote out a little thing that I was considering saying to the kids about it. I had talked with a few parents privately about what they had told their kids etc. and that's how I came up with it. Nothing graphic, but not telling them it was just a piece of fruit on a tree either. I gave it to the pastor and after 4 weeks of not getting around to it, he finally said I shouldn't teach it because most of the parents didn't even know about it! Excuse me? Who's job is it to teach the parents?! Especially when they had been sitting there for 20 years?! Yes, some of them were newer, but none in the last 5 years, though several of them were in and out of church as they struggled with alcoholism and drug addictions.
It took months to find out all this information. At the same time there was another crowd of "believers" in Fairbanks. They do not believe in pastors or preachers, and were actually members of the church down in Idaho 20 years ago and left it. They were able to enlighten us about some things, but of course tried to convince us of others such as the preaching and a lot of other nonsense.
Unfortuantely before we knew all about them, we were their next door neighbor. The mother of this group had bought an big house and converted it into apartments. They hadn't installed a shower or kitchen sink in our studio apartment (one big room) before her husband had to leave. When we moved in December he was supposed to be back shortly to install them. One month went by and finally Doug got permission to install a kitchen sink. Not only did he not feel comfortable doing the shower, but there was no real place to put it. The husband still wasn't back and couldn't quite remember the layout so he came up with wild ideas as where to put it. In the meantime we used our landlady's shower. This meant daily interaction with her. I also didn't have a kitchen, just a hot plate and microwave and later a full size fridge. The wall between us was so thin we could hear everything she said, but they could never hear us. There would be times when she'd have her adult daughters over and bang on the wall and ask if I wanted to come over, but they could never hear me when I replied. At any rate, I was able to hear quite a few conversations about us and the church that I'm sure they didn't think I could hear.
So I felt like a rag doll being torn. Women at the church were initally very friendly. Once we moved and were finally getting some answers to our questions (sneakily vindicated by the church people once they let their guard down) we started to cool off on our interaction. Then when I became pregnant they simply could not understand that I didn't have the energy to do things daily with them etc. They said that I was lying, they never felt tired at all, never quesy. How it is that 10 different women all had the same story about pregnancy I don't know! Wait, yes I do, they were brainwashed! Seriously, the church was not very nice towards women. I was labeled a bad wife because I didn't get Doug a plate of food at the potlucks. Um, he'd rather pick out his own food! And does it look like he's starving?! I know I'm loud and outspoken and will probably never be a timid and sweet Christian lady like Sis. Connie, but it doesn't mean I'm awful either! I know what the scripture commands of me and I do it.
There was one girl, who I thought was a real good friend. She was actually the one who told me the church had some problems. Her mother-in-law was my landlady (crazy no preacher lady). But she didn't believe that way, just had the misfortune of dealing with the family. So we had some good conversations about things like that. For months she wanted to come to church more but her husband didn't. Then she volunteered to help with the Sunday School class and take the kids under age 5 (sometimes I'd even have 2 year olds in there). The last time I had talked to her about church stuff was in December and I had simply said that Doug and I were noticing greater problems but right now were still just going to lift the church up and she said "maybe that's what we need to do too." She was then travelling through the States and Canada (where she's from) until mid-January, then she did the Sunday School thing. By mid-February Doug and I had learned a lot of things. My landlady had told me that my friend and her husband were arguing a lot about the church and I thought it was because of me, so I wanted to let her know that my feelings had changed. By this point we were getting uneasy with it all. We even had a conversation about what we would do if we had a baby, we would not want him/her raised in that situation. We basically came to a decision on March 11th to leave the church if the pastor wasn't willing to line up with scripture, and low and behold, we found out I was pregnant on March 12th. Doug thinks that once he finally recognized God's calling for his life, God blessed us.
Anyway, I tell my friend and she has done a complete 180. Instead of being skeptic of the church, but not rejecting it, she became it's biggest fan. She told me how wrong we were to think of leaving (at the time we were just sure about leaving the church not about moving). Then came all sorts of other information. Suddenly it turns out that all the women at the church disliked me and only talked to me to try to make me more like them. I actually believe her on this because she really values honesty and had no problem telling me all the problems I had. She claims it wasn't just to injure me. I never tested her theory and told her where she was wrong at though. Doug had some meetings with the pastor, and I gave up Sunday School teaching. All the girls who had been talking to me called me once and then stopped talking to me. Then, the women who had never talked to me were suddenly inviting me out to lunch daily and writing on my facebook wall. The girl who suddenly had a vendetta against me, and crazylady's family were dropping by my apartment unannounced daily. I had no peace, everyone wanted me to give up my beliefs and trying their best with quotes to boot about how wrong I was.
It got even more ugly. I was a bad wife and reproach on Doug. They assumed since our relationship wasn't like theirs (built on fear) that I was dominating. Doug is the most stubborn man in the whole world. There is no way I could dominate him or force him to do a thing. God knew exactly what I neeed in a husband. And if I do say so myself, God knew that Doug needed a woman who would test him and prod him out of his stubborness. For the first time in our marriage I was definitely completely submitting to him! He would tell me word for word what to say to these girls, how to reply to their e-mails and facebook messages, phone calls, when they show up at the house etc. We were stronger than we had ever been, united on our beliefs that they were not able to change.
We tried to be considerate of the situation. Aside from my one "friend" I told no one about our feelings, that we'd be leaving church/moving etc. The main reason being is that so many of the people came from horrible situations. Even the ones still struggling with drugs and alcohol, this church was the grounding thing in their life. For someone to come and tell them that the way it is preached and practiced around them and then us high tell it out of there and abandon them would probably have just sent them back out in the world. God has predestined seeds out there that will be ripened in their own time. Surprisingly many of them do study the Bible and the Message and somehow don't see how their "church" has formed a demonination headed by one man. We prayed about it a lot and felt like it wasn't our role to try to correct those things. The Spirit will lead them. It was so hard as they were all asking what was going on, it was hard not to throw it in their face how wrong they were every time they called me a name. And it was so hard to leave my darling Sunday school kids behind!
The pastor offered to build us a house on the new "church land" where they were building houses for everyone else, just so we wouldn't leave. By the way, they do that in Idaho too. The men all work for the pastor (in both places), often out of state and go on missionary trips and the women are alone on the commune with the kids and taking care of the house. The families often have to file for bankrupcy and/or the women have to work so the men can go out on the missionary field.
It got so bad that at the very end we chose to stay with non-church friends for 2 weeks before leaving the state. That way no one church-related would know when we were leaving and there would be no last minute effort to get us to stay since they didn't know where they lived. It also meant we didn't have to pay rent, but being able to leave with out fear of them showing up at our door again was a nice perk too.
Mentally, I'm so exhausted and fragile from it all. Am I a bad wife? Am I a bad Christian? Were they right? Was it really right to just leave them? What will happen to my Sunday School kids? Will they ever know the truth? I was so close to being decieved. It seemed like such a great place at first. It seemed like I finally fit in. Their missionary work seemed so genuine and right. Before leving Bro. Ron said that he trusted us to make good decisions, he didn't think we'd be caught up in anything bad and that I have a good head on my shoulders, not easily to be decieved. But I doubt myself all the time now. I have no confidence left in my decision making. It such a close call and it would have been so much easier to just give in and not fight against them.
Admidst all of the church drama, I had friend drama. Our friend that we grew up with in VA and is in the army was based in Fairbanks. We didn't move there for him, though he kept thinking that for a long time. We were so close he called me his sister and he was definitely more of a brother to me than my real brothers. He came back from Iraq in September and definitely had some PTSD issues which he kept denying. Worse yet he is Mormon and decided to try to convert us for months. For years we've got along fine noticing the similarities and differences in our faiths without a problem. Suddenly he was bent on trying to convert us and poke holes in our faith. He's always been a bit superior but it went over the top then. He became a total jerk to all of his friends on top of this conversion thing. At one point he had stopped speaking to me for nearly 2 months! We finally got it straight in January but then he was engaged and not spending time around any of his old friends anyway. Right after this stress ended is when the church stuff really stepped it up a notch.
Then there was the 2 week drive across country. I tried to make it sound easier than it was. Our nephew was a complete wreck. Turns out in the last year things have been bad at his house. He's tried to commit suicide and cuts himself often to deal with the pressure. I made it through Canada with him driving like a maniac but finally lost it when he said he thought the Christians in Iran deserved to be persecuted and killed because they were stupid to convert when they knew the law (he's supposedly atheist). My ankles were swelling most of the time and it was kind of painful. By the time we arrived at each hotel it was late at night and we were exhausted, and then off early in the morning to sit in the car again. When we visited Chris there was drama as well. I hope someday he'll take responsibility for his own life! Visiting family was fun but still stressful, especially after the Chris incident involved my cousin and then the next day I saw my grandparents, cousin, aunt & uncle.
Oh, and there's homework. I've been behind all along. I barely caught up in time before the end of last semester and I hope I can do it again this semester. Then next semester I'll be giving birth. I have to keep going to not only graduate on time, but also because we need the financial aid money and need to put off paying back Sallie Mae. It's practically like my job, but not near enough pay and I don't have the benefit of daycare.
Now we're in Doug's dad's basement and it sucks too. Before leaving I was told that Doug and his dad would reach an agreement. We'd pay certain bills (since we don't want to just give him $). I thought that' we'd all co-exist together. Instead I get the feeling that I'm unwelcome upstairs. I fear that I"ll never be able to have anyone over, unless I want to entertain in my bedroom! The upstairs is a mess and really needs to be cleaned. The antiques need to be gone through and rearranged. But I can't do that at all. I feel like I don't have a space in here at all for me. Even the nursery is pathetic. A concrete floor, a panelboard ceiling without insulation, concrete walls, a door to the garage, no windows and no closet. I feel like a loser living in their parents basement.
Speaking of loser people in basements, my mom is dating one. My whole family is torn apart and only getting worse every year. I can barely speak to Chris since I won't tolerate his blame game. Cindy and I get along ok now, but only in limited doses and now she's busy with work, school, boyfriend and in general we don't have much in common. I don't know Jeffrey at all anymore. There's a man out there I call Dad, who WAS my step-dad but signs his name on cards by his first name. I guess he wasn't the best, but he did the best he could. I've barely talked to him in a year and haven't seen him since leaving Alaska. I have no idea if he wants to be involved in Teddy's life or not, or what to call him. He has a 3 year old, I doubt he wants to be "grandpa." What do we call his wife? She's sweet and I've always liked her but would she be "grandma?" My grandmother may die soon but I don't know when I'll get to see her. Standing hurts, sitting hurts, walking hurts. I don't think I'm up for a 4 hour drive, with out Doug because I'm sure he'll be working, staying with family and travelling with my sister and/or mother to see her in the next few weeks before it gets too late to travel. There are other screw ups in my family and I just worry so much about Teddy turning out like them.
Doug still doesn't have a job. He's had interviews but stupid Rockingham County hasn't signed off on his background check for Applebee's yet and if it takes much longer I think he'll lose his running. We don't know what type of schedule he could have, or the pay. It would be 36k-40k a year, which is great. But depending on how much insurance is, we may still be short every month. If he doesn't get it and gets the Taco Bell job then we'd still need help. And of course there's the chance he gets neither and we really need him to get something soon! No one else can afford to support us, we have no family that we can turn to for help.
And I'm stressed out. And I'm so worried about how the stress is affecting the baby. I mean if something would be wrong with him it would be all my fault for having my life be such a screw up. And he deserves the best and all I can give him is a concrete room in his grandpa's basement in a house that may be torn down soon (though not likely). Aside from everything mom's bought, which includes a few items I don't want to use like a drop side crib), we've got nothing for him. And we won't be able to afford much, we've got to come up with $2400 for the birth in the next 7 weeks, and that's only if we're able to have him at home, which may not be a possibility if I have gestational diabetes which is a high possibility. I don't think I'm getting a shower. Mom said she'll get her 2 friends from church, that she barely talks to anymore, to help her, but I'll believe that when I see it. I love her and all, but throughout my life she's forgotten events or key things like even a camera to remember them. I'm sure by the time she has a chance to plan a shower he'll be 6 months old.
It's not that I want the gifts that bad. I mean, babies only need so much and I'm sure we can find plenty things used. But it's the fact that I don't really have any friends and that's what makes the whole Alaksa experience hurt even more, because I thought I finally had some great friends who had time to be around me. Cassie has barely had time for me since she started college, and definitely not now with one kid and another on the way. I barely talked to her in AK, and kept in touch with everyone else even less. Everyone else has their group of friends that I can't seem to break into. It's practically impossible now. Once Teddy's born I won't be able to go out without him, and that could be weird with the single girls. All the married with kids couples don't seem to like us. One of the many reasons we decided to go to Bro. Mike Walls church for a little bit. We just have felt like we just don' fit in. I don't even know what to talk about when trying to make conversation with people who already have friends. I don't do a lot of shopping, or watching movies, listening to music, or even reading for fun now. No one wants to hear me go on and on about history an even I like a break from it. Most of the guys just want to talk about sports or hunting around Doug and he doesn't do a lot of either, so he feels left out too. Doug's my best friend, and that's ok, but geesh, sometimes I wish there was a girl I could talk to! Especially one at my church who doesn't look at me like I have 3 eyes if I talk about my faith. Considering Doug's dad acts like I shouldn't even be in the kitchen it seems like having people over is not a possibility.
That hasn't even touched the SPD pain. When I can just loaf around the house it's bearable. I can do a little bit of something and then lay down. But today was horrible. Up early for the 3 hour glucose test, then quick lunch. Then grocery shopping, nap, dinner, shower, church. And I felt awful from 3 pm on. I haven't gotten to drink enough water and if I sit for more than an hour my feet swell up like balloons. And now I'm worried about the stupid gestational diabetes thing.
When I decided to take that Clomid round in February, things seemed great. Doug had a good job, I was able to stay at home and just started classes again for grad school. We weren't entirely sure about the church, but hadn't come to the conclusion to leave, let alone leave the state. We had plans to build a small cabin in the next year. And now we're starting all over again. It took a lot to swallow our pride and come back knowing most people must be eating it up and laughing at our choice to leave in the first place. I wish I could just redo it all.
So basically, excuse me if I complain. Has anyone else gone through this? No? Ok, then. Shut up. It's not the same as a 16 year old who is 38 weeks pregnant complaining about the heat in late August. Am I complaining about the heat? No, I could, but I'm not. I'm complaining about being behind on pregnancy things, no hope to catch up, and being traumatically scared by the whole Alaska crap. Oh, and I don't say all this to people when they ask about it because they're just looking for a quick answer. So I say, "It was good, we like home better." That doesn't get sympathy or validation. Here's something that does, "I have cancer." People are able to pay attention long enough and know exactly what the problem is and exactly how to respond. Not so much in my case, it doesn't mean that I"m not in a crappy situation. Especially when as I said, if there was something wrong with him it's my fault because I've been too stressed out. I'm not asking for anyone to fix anything, but for the love of God, quit acting like all pregnant women should just smile through the millions of aches and pains. And even if I can do that, I'm only human and can only do so much and am beyond my breaking point of dealing with other crap. Most of the girls I know can rely on family for loads of stuff. They can buy land from them, rent a house from them, they're better off financially than they are should a need arise, they communicate with them (my mom barely talks to me now), are available for childcare and just overall support. I don't have that at all. I don't have a friend I can just call up and vent it all too. The most I have is to post on facebook and here and hope someone reads my cry for help. So before judging "whiney" people maybe others should consider how blessed their lives are and that some people really do have it bad.
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