Ok, this post might be a bit TMI since I'll be talking about signs of ovulation. If you aren't interested in that, skip to the end.
So, after Doug started his new job we decided to start trying for baby #2. With Teddy we tried 5 years on our own and ended up using Clomid because I didn't ovulate on my own. Doug really wanted to wait and try on our own for a few months before consulting the OB for referral to the reproductive endocrinologist. Knowing my fertility past we figured we'd call in January and most likely wouldn't even begin treatment until February or March and that it could take several rounds of Clomid, assuming that was all that was needed.
Doug was also gone for half of August. I didn't even bother charting anything, which I probably really should have because I had just come off my birth control pill. I don't usually have a period on my own so charting can get really difficult when you're not starting right on day 1. Anyway, I figured it was mostly going to be a wash, but hey, at least I wasn't on bcp (which I hate with a fiery passion).
Here comes the TMI. On August 30th after using the bathroom I noticed tons of mucus when I wiped. Not discharge, mucus. So I checked my cervical mucus and it was really stretchy and clear, looked just like egg whites. I knew from before that was a very good sign of ovulation. Doug was still gone but came home the next day. I knew the timing wasn't great, 24 hours is kind of pushing it and when I checked that morning it wasn't very stretchy at all.
I was excited though. I really believed I had ovulated on my own, for the first time ever!!! We had Labor Day services that weekend and they were very powerful. We had a prayer line on Sunday night and I just knew I had to be in it.
In 2008 I had felt the Lord was promising a child to me. I had gotten home from work and was listening to a tape of Bro. Branham while folding clothes. I had paused it earlier to leave for work and when I pressed play it was the prayer line and I usually just skip right past that because I knew God still healed and was more interested in the "meat" of the sermons. But this time I listened. I had heard stories of people listening to tapes and being healed, of being in the exact same situation as a person on the tape. One was of a brother wearing a checkered shirt with paint on it that he had just thrown on last minute and it was in despair he pressed play and heard the words "You, sitting there with the checked shirt with paint on it!" and the rest, which I can't remember, applied directly to him. But it had never happened for me before. That day, the first woman he prayed for was asking to be blessed with a baby. I'll never forget hearing him discern her desires and how gently and happily he said "Oh, it's a baby!" I fell instantly to my knees and cried "Behold the handmaid of the Lord, be it unto me as thou hast said." Which is what Mary told the angel Gabriel when he told her she would be carrying the Messiah. For some reason I looked at the clock. Later that day I logged onto facebook and on a religious group page someone had posted that exact same scripture at the exact same time I was saying it. I really felt like it was meant for me.
Later that year a brother preached and we had a prayer line and finally kicked out my demon of depression. I had clung to it for far too long.
While in Alaska I was really struck with sermons on Abraham and Sarah. Bro. Branham mentioned that Sarah would knit little booties, just claiming the promise. So I decided to buy a baby outfit. That was much harder than it sounds. I had no clue the gender or the season it would be born in and in Alaska seasons matter! I settled on a MVP baseball 3-6 month short sleeve onesie and found out a few weeks later that I was pregnant with Teddy! At the time, it seemed fine to use medication. I never felt like God was telling me not to.
This time was different. I went in the prayer line for healing. To be made new so that my body would allow me to conceive on it's own.
A few weeks later it was time to test and it came back negative. So did the next one a few days later. I figured that was it for this cycle since Doug wasn't home I wasn't too surprised at the answer. But my period never came. With the condition I had, polycystic ovarian syndrome, it was not unusual for me not to get a period but not be pregnant either. I didn't think I was pregnant but I knew I wouldn't ovulate on my own if I didn't get my period. It made me confused if what I first thought was ovulation was even ovulation at all. We talked about if we should change our mind on when to call the OB. I told Doug that I was feeling really conflicted that doing so would be doubting God's promise. He said, well it's not unless you feel like God promised to heal you. I said that's exactly what I felt like happened so he said we would just have to wait and claim it and believe in His timing.
Then I got really sick with a kidney infection. I was puking for 24 hours and had a low fever, I never do either though I have had a few kidney infections before. After recovery I decided to get serious about doing my temps and charting anyway, even though it would be starting on cycle day 38 instead of 1. Well, my temps were consistently higher than ever before. I usually run cool, around 97.5. I kept getting 98.5, 98.6 etc. A few days later I got 99, so I called the doctor to get an appointment, assuming that I was sick still and that what I had been seeing was actually me with a low grade fever.
At the appointment he said my urine looked good but he'd check my blood count too. They were running super behind and I didn't get out of there until 6:30 so I didn't expect an answer on that until Monday or Tuesday. On the way home I decided to buy a dollar store pregnancy test, just in case that was the reason for the original higher temps. My mom had been watching Teddy and when she saw me with it I told her "I don't think I am." Surprise of a life time to see two lines!!!! I even tested again later because I wanted to be sure!! I'm still shocked. Doug and I are totally beside ourselves.
So, I feel like I have the biggest secret ever but I'm waiting until we get an appointment with the OB to tell other people. I'm hoping that he'll want an ultrasound to date it since I ovulated on day 21 instead of 14 it would affect my estimated due date versus just going by last menstrual period. But right now I'm going off my ovulation date and saying EDD of May 24th, 2013. I had wanted a late spring/early summer baby and before Teddy was 3 so this fits that part of my dreams perfectly! Now we're a little freaked out about finding another vehicle and a place to live, but at least Doug finally agrees with me on moving.
Oh, and the doctor called back, I do still have an infection but I don't care because I'm a walking miracle!!!
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
All grown up!
Teddy is growing up so much! There are times when I just look at him and I swear he got bigger while I blinked. I tell him to "slow down" and "don't look so grown up" all the time now. He is putting together a lot of two and three word sentences now and talking in first person more, exploring emotions such as "I like it!" The other night I had to put 4t pajamas on him, so I'm going to have to try out a few things for the fall. I was trying on a few 3t pants that he had and they were too tight around the waist, same with some of the shorts he has, but not all. It probably varies by brand or something.
Doug has started working at his store in Staunton. Right now his schedule is 2pm-12am Wed-Friday and then 7am-5 pm Saturday and Sunday, he has Monday and Tuesday off. He gets off pretty close to his set time, which is a huge difference from Applebee's. He hasn't been called in for an extra shift or anything yet. It will happen at some point but so far things are going very smooth there. He gets more time with us and the only big downside is that getting home late on Friday and going in early on Saturday and then going straight to church makes for a very long day.
I started watching a little boy two days a week. He's such a sweetie and for the most part more low maintence than Teddy. He's 14 months, so it's a really good compatible age for Teddy. They love each other! Teddy asks about him when he's not around, R follows Teddy around. They have opposite nap schedules which is actually great because I don't have to worry about having both of them the whole day, can give Teddy some individual time, R some individual time and no one wakes the other one up. And Doug is home for part of the day so he spends some time with Teddy then too. And it means we can take both of them to the playground and Doug can chase after Teddy. I think it will be awhile before I can do both of them alone there, Teddy just isn't at the age yet where I can take my eyes off of him or trust him to listen. Totally normal for this age of course. I'm so glad that Teddy has a little friend to play with! That's the main reason I'm doing this. Whenever I ask someone else I know with kids I get brushed off. I understand they're busy and so am I, but I do know that they meet up with others so what am I supposed to think but that they'd rather not do it with me/Teddy?
Planning baby #2 is under way. August was a wash because Doug was gone so much. But, I think I actually ovulated on my own for the first time ever. But now I've had two negative tests and no period so I don't know what to think. Having PCOS, I'm used to not having a period but I was so hopeful that since I had so many signs of ovulation that my body was going to work right on it's own. Right now I change my mind pretty often about when to call the OB about Clomid treatments again. We obviously can't be successful on our own if I'm not ovulating and since I didn't shed a lining I don't expect to ovulate this month anyway...or any other month until that happens, hence the need for medication too. Logistically, waiting until January would probably be best just because Doug just started this job, I want to lose some more weight, all the co-pays involved with the procedures and appointments and we will hopefully have our own house again at the end of next year which would put us with a young infant or newborn versus a potentially mobile child and moving.
But I also have conflicting feelings about using medication anyway. I'm really believing that God is going to heal my body some day and I'll conceive on my own. I know He has his own timing and it's perfect and that if it wasn't in His will we wouldn't be able to conceive even with medication. But I worry that doing that is a form of doubting His promise. Then again, when we're sick in other ways we take medicine. So for now we're keeping it low stress but eventually I'm going to have to commit to one thought or the other.
And while I'm typing all of this I am supposed to be thinking more about Teddy's second birthday party! I'm still in denial though so I'm not getting very far!!
Doug has started working at his store in Staunton. Right now his schedule is 2pm-12am Wed-Friday and then 7am-5 pm Saturday and Sunday, he has Monday and Tuesday off. He gets off pretty close to his set time, which is a huge difference from Applebee's. He hasn't been called in for an extra shift or anything yet. It will happen at some point but so far things are going very smooth there. He gets more time with us and the only big downside is that getting home late on Friday and going in early on Saturday and then going straight to church makes for a very long day.
I started watching a little boy two days a week. He's such a sweetie and for the most part more low maintence than Teddy. He's 14 months, so it's a really good compatible age for Teddy. They love each other! Teddy asks about him when he's not around, R follows Teddy around. They have opposite nap schedules which is actually great because I don't have to worry about having both of them the whole day, can give Teddy some individual time, R some individual time and no one wakes the other one up. And Doug is home for part of the day so he spends some time with Teddy then too. And it means we can take both of them to the playground and Doug can chase after Teddy. I think it will be awhile before I can do both of them alone there, Teddy just isn't at the age yet where I can take my eyes off of him or trust him to listen. Totally normal for this age of course. I'm so glad that Teddy has a little friend to play with! That's the main reason I'm doing this. Whenever I ask someone else I know with kids I get brushed off. I understand they're busy and so am I, but I do know that they meet up with others so what am I supposed to think but that they'd rather not do it with me/Teddy?
Planning baby #2 is under way. August was a wash because Doug was gone so much. But, I think I actually ovulated on my own for the first time ever. But now I've had two negative tests and no period so I don't know what to think. Having PCOS, I'm used to not having a period but I was so hopeful that since I had so many signs of ovulation that my body was going to work right on it's own. Right now I change my mind pretty often about when to call the OB about Clomid treatments again. We obviously can't be successful on our own if I'm not ovulating and since I didn't shed a lining I don't expect to ovulate this month anyway...or any other month until that happens, hence the need for medication too. Logistically, waiting until January would probably be best just because Doug just started this job, I want to lose some more weight, all the co-pays involved with the procedures and appointments and we will hopefully have our own house again at the end of next year which would put us with a young infant or newborn versus a potentially mobile child and moving.
But I also have conflicting feelings about using medication anyway. I'm really believing that God is going to heal my body some day and I'll conceive on my own. I know He has his own timing and it's perfect and that if it wasn't in His will we wouldn't be able to conceive even with medication. But I worry that doing that is a form of doubting His promise. Then again, when we're sick in other ways we take medicine. So for now we're keeping it low stress but eventually I'm going to have to commit to one thought or the other.
And while I'm typing all of this I am supposed to be thinking more about Teddy's second birthday party! I'm still in denial though so I'm not getting very far!!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Quick catch up
 |
| Loving on the toy kitchen at the Crossroads Farmer's Market |
 |
| Beep beep! Honk honk! My backseat driver. |
 |
| He loves this hat! |
 |
| Hugging on Big Pooh Bear |
 |
| Bounce!! |
 |
| His creative way of carrying them all around. |
 |
| Chanelling his Theodore Roosevelt |
 |
| Little man of the house- taking care of the yard. |
 |
| I wouldn't let him chug my water bottle....think we're nearing 2?! |
Teddy is in to all kinds of things now. He can open doors and work locks and even dead bolts. Today in the grocery store after a total melt down he was able to open a juice bottle cap.
He is saying two and even three word sentences now. Sunday night on the way home from church he said "I got it" like 1,000 times. His other favorite sentence is "Oh dear"....guess he hears that a lot or something!
He actually really likes to put things away and clean. He loves the vacuum and loves to sweep and "mop." Except now he likes to make a mess so he has something to really clean up! Tonight he threw his container of peas off the table on purpose and then squealed with delight when I gave him the broom to clean it up. My intention was that I was trying to explain why we shouldn't make a mess on purpose, because someone has to clean it up. He likes to help me in the kitchen too. I hand him a bowl and spoon and tell him to "mix." I found a play kitchen at Once Upon a Child a few weeks ago for a steal and am so excited to give that to him for his birthday because he fell in love with one at a toy shop. I'd do it early but it didn't come with hardly any pieces so we're working on that.
One of his favorite games right now is to hide. And it's pretty awesome for me too because he'll just hide behind a curtain or in his "fort" (turned over pnp with a blanket draped over it) and I can sit on my butt for a few minutes.
He still likes balls and cars, trains etc. He's obsessed with big kids and bikes. I really want to get him a balance bike for Christmas.
He is so affectionate. He loves to give hugs and kisses, especially during eating. I think it's his way of saying "Thanks for the food Mom!" He also has a bunch of animals that he has to love on all the time. A pooh bear in his room, a spare in the play room. A blue bear head lovey, a froggie for church. Oh, and a sheep. And a hippo. And they all have to be in the crib with him. And I have to hug and kiss each one before nap and bed time. Oy.
Speaking of sleep now he's sleeping 9pm-8:30 am. And napping at 2/2:30 for 1-2 hours. It's working pretty decent, it's nice not to have 6 am wake up calls any more!! And he's doing better at church too. Part of that is age but part of that is definitely because he's not staying up so excessively late compared to his normal bed time.
His favorite place is definitely the playground, we're both partial to the Dream Come True one. Love hearing him clap and say "Yay!! Playground!!" when we pull up.
He's doing pretty good with Doug gone training right now. He asks about him sometimes but understands that we said bye bye to Daddy and will see him in a few days. We do skype with him each day, though technology doesn't always favor us and images will be distorted and just not worth staying on for very long.
Oh and he loves to read books, especially before bed now. He will finally!! sit on my lap, or next to me, and read! He loves learning animals and noises, shapes, letters and numbers but seems resistant to colors. He knows the whole alphabet and can count to 10, sometimes more. He is starting to connect sounds and words from his cards and computer with the alphabet. He'll babble to himself all the time. I can't understand a lot of it but then every once in a while I hear "I, Igloo....six." Hahaha, I have no idea how that makes sense in his little world!
Oh, and mega blocks! Loves them! Also loves knocking them down. But he also loves putting them away. He's just so amazing and so fun!!
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Fancy blogs
So I've had this blog for over 2 years and I still clearly don't have enough patience to fully learn how to use it. And they keep changing things. I do want to spend some time on it and make it look all purtiful at some point.
I've read some blogs lately. Some people are quite pretentious. Their about me page should just say something about themselves but instead it's like they're trying to impart some kind of great and meaningful wisdom that only their fountain of awesomeness can spew on to me, a most needy public. It's especially fun when it's someone you know in real life, which actually kind of explains more about them and in the end I'm not surprised by it. Also interesting is when they make 15 blog posts on these awesome things all in one day. And their posts are all about getting up and taking part in life. Um, maybe don't date stamp your posts faker, because you just sat at your computer for how long telling me I'm how inadequate. Granted, they're supposed to be encouraging, but it seems like they never mis a chance to regale us with tales of all their accomplishments even in spite of their more than you-could-possibly-understand obstacles. Basically, very wordy put downs. (Don't worry, no one that has followed this blog or I suspect even reads it).
So, this blog is not fancy or pretty. It serves no greater and amazing design. I'm not using it to catalog my profound ponderings and thoughts, to scrap book every awesome memory about Teddy. The first seem to seldom exist these days and the latter would be too numerous for me to do anything. I try to update when I get around to it, when there's nothing else more important going on. I'm sure some of the things I post on here I will forget, like his check up stats, his age at a particular stage (like when he started fighting sleep). There are others that I will remember forever. I might not have ever experienced labor with him but I will remind him that I had to give up sugar for 3 months and that one night he nursed for 24 hours straight during his 6 week growth spurt.
So, I'm sorry viewers. If you need fancy put downs that are supposed to make you feel motivated, I'm not the spot. If you need profound thoughts or realized truths, not the spot. But if you want to know a bit more about me and the real me and Teddy too, you found your spot. Nothing profound or outstanding, just real people living real life. And because I can't allow that be the final sentence of this post lest it sound profound I will end it with this one instead.
I've read some blogs lately. Some people are quite pretentious. Their about me page should just say something about themselves but instead it's like they're trying to impart some kind of great and meaningful wisdom that only their fountain of awesomeness can spew on to me, a most needy public. It's especially fun when it's someone you know in real life, which actually kind of explains more about them and in the end I'm not surprised by it. Also interesting is when they make 15 blog posts on these awesome things all in one day. And their posts are all about getting up and taking part in life. Um, maybe don't date stamp your posts faker, because you just sat at your computer for how long telling me I'm how inadequate. Granted, they're supposed to be encouraging, but it seems like they never mis a chance to regale us with tales of all their accomplishments even in spite of their more than you-could-possibly-understand obstacles. Basically, very wordy put downs. (Don't worry, no one that has followed this blog or I suspect even reads it).
So, this blog is not fancy or pretty. It serves no greater and amazing design. I'm not using it to catalog my profound ponderings and thoughts, to scrap book every awesome memory about Teddy. The first seem to seldom exist these days and the latter would be too numerous for me to do anything. I try to update when I get around to it, when there's nothing else more important going on. I'm sure some of the things I post on here I will forget, like his check up stats, his age at a particular stage (like when he started fighting sleep). There are others that I will remember forever. I might not have ever experienced labor with him but I will remind him that I had to give up sugar for 3 months and that one night he nursed for 24 hours straight during his 6 week growth spurt.
So, I'm sorry viewers. If you need fancy put downs that are supposed to make you feel motivated, I'm not the spot. If you need profound thoughts or realized truths, not the spot. But if you want to know a bit more about me and the real me and Teddy too, you found your spot. Nothing profound or outstanding, just real people living real life. And because I can't allow that be the final sentence of this post lest it sound profound I will end it with this one instead.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
An On Time God
I've really been loving my time home with Teddy. He had some sickness the first week or two I was home. He had an allergy attack that quickly turned to a sinus infection and 4 days later he came down with an ear infection. Then as soon as he finished that medication his fever spiked and his ears got way worse, was seen in walk-in hours at his doctor's office and then the ER a few hours later because his fever continued to spike and his ear got red and tender to the touch. They told me that his middle ear infection must have spread to the ear canal. Fortunately we went back to the ENT on Monday and they did a culture and gave ear drops. A few days after ear drops and continued antibiotics and he was so much better! Turns out that he just had normal "swimmer's ear" bacteria, which is NOT the bacteria which causes middle ear infections. So it did not spread and resist treatment. He's never been underwater and has only been in clean water (bath tub and our kiddie pool which is fresh water each time) so it makes the most sense that he scratched his ear canal at some point because he had definitely been digging in it.
2 weeks later and still healthy and fine! Well, he has said twice in the last week that his ear hurts but he's also sticking everything way far back in his mouth. Yesterday he carried around a tooth brush and munched on it all day. Today he started clear drainage and refused lunch. He had like 5 gold fish that I gave as a last resort and one bite of cheddar cheese. I'm going to give him his allergy medicine again tonight just to be safe because he did sneeze a few times but I think it's his 2 year old molars coming in. I'm going to try to feel and look around in there but he doesn't usually let me.
I've been having a rough few weeks even though Teddy is better. I broke out in a rash on my face and ears the other week. After a few days I was pretty sure that I narrowed it down to my sunscreen. So I went out and purchased a natural one. The next day I had a little bit of a rash on my face, neck and ears but I woke up with horribly itching hives all over my arms. It stopped where my shirt sleeves started, I applied the sunscreen on my whole arm though. No hives or rash on my legs since my skirt had been ankle length. The doctor thinks I might have a sun allergy. We can't really test it until the hives go away completely though and then we'll test if it's the sun or the sunscreen. It made me super exhausted too and is giving me some gastro complaints as well. But this week has been much better and I've definitely got more energy to get things done.
The biggest update is that Doug will be starting a much better job soon!! He interviewed the other week for a job and at the time they were talking about giving him a really good position. Then someone else more qualified was interviewed later and Doug wasn't selected for that position. They did offer him something lesser but after paying for insurance he'd be taking home the same or less than now. While insurance can be great, it can also not be worth it. You pay monthly premiums, high deductibles, co-pays and then a lot of time they deny testing and medications, surgeries etc. Also, his hours would rotate between first and second shift, he'd have to do overnights pretty often and couldn't be guaranteed to be off for church. So while it paid more, had more room for advancement and offered insurance (his current job does not), he declined the offer. We just put it on God's hands and new something better was out there for us. That He would see us through. That was last Friday. On Sunday before church they called and offered the original position they had spoken to him about in the interview but in the next town over. It was going to be 10am-7pm or so and Mon-Fri, $12/an hour, with benefits. The regional manager didn't call back the next day to confirm a start date because he wanted to sleep on some things overnight (we found that out later). Instead he called him on Tuesday and offered an even better job. Assistant manager of the fast food franchise which is salaried and is going to be at least $500 a more a month than that other offer. He will work longer hours, have a longer work week and it won't be Mon-Fri but he will be off in time for church most of the time (barring any sudden catastrophe). There's still a chance of doing overnight every once in a while but since he's a salaried manager he will not be the first to be called in if there's a need. There are also very impressive quarterly bonuses . And there is definite room for advancement and then he can make his own hours. Seriously, doing the math on what we'll be saving we might have down payment money for land and money to build in a year. Doug met with the manager and saw how the store is run and is confident it won't be like his last restaurant job where everything was so mismanaged and is stressful. This store is rated one of the best in the state. At his last job he was hired to try to turn the place around, not a problem at this store!
So excited and so blessed! God truly is an On Time God!! This last year has been rough and there have been times when I've been kicking and screaming and digging my heels in during this journey. But there has also been a lot of growing. A lot of time being able to get priorities straight, to having a quiet enough life to be able to listen to God, to let him carry us and to give up our pride and independence. Like the parable of the shepherd that goes after the lamb. You know shepherds sometimes have to break a lamb's leg so it will not wander off into danger where it can be attacked by wolves and will learn to follow the shepherd. He will carry that lamb across his shoulders and in his arms and when that leg is mended the lamb has learned to love that shepherd and will never leave his side. I feel like that's been our experience this last year. We've made it through serious loss of income, loss of home and items, had to declare bankruptcy, lost everything we once showed our independence and could ensure a happy future. We had wandered too far off, been in one too many scrapes with the wolves and our Shepherd finally had to make us settle down and spend some time with Him.
2 weeks later and still healthy and fine! Well, he has said twice in the last week that his ear hurts but he's also sticking everything way far back in his mouth. Yesterday he carried around a tooth brush and munched on it all day. Today he started clear drainage and refused lunch. He had like 5 gold fish that I gave as a last resort and one bite of cheddar cheese. I'm going to give him his allergy medicine again tonight just to be safe because he did sneeze a few times but I think it's his 2 year old molars coming in. I'm going to try to feel and look around in there but he doesn't usually let me.
I've been having a rough few weeks even though Teddy is better. I broke out in a rash on my face and ears the other week. After a few days I was pretty sure that I narrowed it down to my sunscreen. So I went out and purchased a natural one. The next day I had a little bit of a rash on my face, neck and ears but I woke up with horribly itching hives all over my arms. It stopped where my shirt sleeves started, I applied the sunscreen on my whole arm though. No hives or rash on my legs since my skirt had been ankle length. The doctor thinks I might have a sun allergy. We can't really test it until the hives go away completely though and then we'll test if it's the sun or the sunscreen. It made me super exhausted too and is giving me some gastro complaints as well. But this week has been much better and I've definitely got more energy to get things done.
The biggest update is that Doug will be starting a much better job soon!! He interviewed the other week for a job and at the time they were talking about giving him a really good position. Then someone else more qualified was interviewed later and Doug wasn't selected for that position. They did offer him something lesser but after paying for insurance he'd be taking home the same or less than now. While insurance can be great, it can also not be worth it. You pay monthly premiums, high deductibles, co-pays and then a lot of time they deny testing and medications, surgeries etc. Also, his hours would rotate between first and second shift, he'd have to do overnights pretty often and couldn't be guaranteed to be off for church. So while it paid more, had more room for advancement and offered insurance (his current job does not), he declined the offer. We just put it on God's hands and new something better was out there for us. That He would see us through. That was last Friday. On Sunday before church they called and offered the original position they had spoken to him about in the interview but in the next town over. It was going to be 10am-7pm or so and Mon-Fri, $12/an hour, with benefits. The regional manager didn't call back the next day to confirm a start date because he wanted to sleep on some things overnight (we found that out later). Instead he called him on Tuesday and offered an even better job. Assistant manager of the fast food franchise which is salaried and is going to be at least $500 a more a month than that other offer. He will work longer hours, have a longer work week and it won't be Mon-Fri but he will be off in time for church most of the time (barring any sudden catastrophe). There's still a chance of doing overnight every once in a while but since he's a salaried manager he will not be the first to be called in if there's a need. There are also very impressive quarterly bonuses . And there is definite room for advancement and then he can make his own hours. Seriously, doing the math on what we'll be saving we might have down payment money for land and money to build in a year. Doug met with the manager and saw how the store is run and is confident it won't be like his last restaurant job where everything was so mismanaged and is stressful. This store is rated one of the best in the state. At his last job he was hired to try to turn the place around, not a problem at this store!
So excited and so blessed! God truly is an On Time God!! This last year has been rough and there have been times when I've been kicking and screaming and digging my heels in during this journey. But there has also been a lot of growing. A lot of time being able to get priorities straight, to having a quiet enough life to be able to listen to God, to let him carry us and to give up our pride and independence. Like the parable of the shepherd that goes after the lamb. You know shepherds sometimes have to break a lamb's leg so it will not wander off into danger where it can be attacked by wolves and will learn to follow the shepherd. He will carry that lamb across his shoulders and in his arms and when that leg is mended the lamb has learned to love that shepherd and will never leave his side. I feel like that's been our experience this last year. We've made it through serious loss of income, loss of home and items, had to declare bankruptcy, lost everything we once showed our independence and could ensure a happy future. We had wandered too far off, been in one too many scrapes with the wolves and our Shepherd finally had to make us settle down and spend some time with Him.
Friday, June 8, 2012
God answers prayer
God always answers prayer....even if it's not the answer you want, or expect.
In my last post I wrote about how I desperately wanted to stay home with Teddy again and that even though I wasn't making hardly any money (turns out I was actually only making $30, not even $60), it wasn't that simple. Well, things were decided for me. I'll admit that I've been a bit distracted and conflicted the last few weeks over this. Also, I am short a co-worker and expected a replacement much earlier. Basically, I can't do the work of 2 people. So I've been feeling overwhelmed lately and my work has been suffering a bit because I'm just not enough all by myself. Monday I made some mistakes and I was pretty upset with myself afterwards and went home and resolved that I'd just have to put my personal feelings entirely aside at work, hammered out a better schedule and googled things about helping with stress and a better workflow. Tuesday at the end of the day I was sat down. I knew my performance wasn't the best the last few weeks, I was actually happy someone was going to talk to me about it, perhaps they had ideas on how I could improve. Instead it seems that for all ten months I've worked there I've made too many mistakes. No one ever even hinted of that before. Of course I make mistakes. Every other job I've had allows for a certain amount of human error. I'm still not sure if mine were just too high or if they just want perfection. Like I don't know if 5% of error is acceptable but I was doing 25% or what- I'm not sure if they know or have thought about quantifying it that way either.
Anyway, I was very upset. But Doug and I got to talk about it and I put in my notice. If I'm not actually doing a good job then I'm not helping them. Then the idea of needing to be around because they're short an employee and another is set to begin a temporary leave is silly. And what's $30 a month? Dinner out. It's not like we save $30 a month, mentally it's just difficult to think about it that way. I'm going to save $40 a month just on not buying disposable diapers for day care now. I'll save money in groceries and gas. We're actually going to be coming out ahead. I know that sounds counter-intuitive but it's not.
I'm a little disapointed that I apparently am a failure at this job. It's not easy for me to admit that. I still don't see how, but what do I know. But mostly, I see this as God answering my prayer, though not at all as I imagined it. And as a test to see if I can still love myself. I don't have to take some sort of "Nuh-uh!!" attitude, I can love myself even with my flaws. I might have reasons or excuses or contributing factors that I could spend all day explaining to me not being great or perfect or apparently even adequate at this job, but none of it matters. What matters is that this job does not define me, I do not measure my self-worth and life success by my ability to perform at this time in my life at that job. Of course I want to do things well, but it's alright if it turns out I don't have the right stuff. I gave it my best and that's not good enough. I know a place where I'm always good enough....in the arms of my son!!
We'll see how we do on our super tight budget and reevaluate in a few months. Hopefully it will continue to make sense for me to stay home with him. And since one of the biggest reasons why we didn't want to have a second yet was because of daycare, then we're one step closer. There are still other things, like paying for the medical care of the pregnancy and birth. Hopefully I'd be able to breastfeed again, but after the baby starts solids there's the increase in food and little things will go up as well. I'd do laundry more frequently etc. I told you we were on a tight budget! I think I'm going to start a separate blog about that to inspire myself and keep me on track!
In my last post I wrote about how I desperately wanted to stay home with Teddy again and that even though I wasn't making hardly any money (turns out I was actually only making $30, not even $60), it wasn't that simple. Well, things were decided for me. I'll admit that I've been a bit distracted and conflicted the last few weeks over this. Also, I am short a co-worker and expected a replacement much earlier. Basically, I can't do the work of 2 people. So I've been feeling overwhelmed lately and my work has been suffering a bit because I'm just not enough all by myself. Monday I made some mistakes and I was pretty upset with myself afterwards and went home and resolved that I'd just have to put my personal feelings entirely aside at work, hammered out a better schedule and googled things about helping with stress and a better workflow. Tuesday at the end of the day I was sat down. I knew my performance wasn't the best the last few weeks, I was actually happy someone was going to talk to me about it, perhaps they had ideas on how I could improve. Instead it seems that for all ten months I've worked there I've made too many mistakes. No one ever even hinted of that before. Of course I make mistakes. Every other job I've had allows for a certain amount of human error. I'm still not sure if mine were just too high or if they just want perfection. Like I don't know if 5% of error is acceptable but I was doing 25% or what- I'm not sure if they know or have thought about quantifying it that way either.
Anyway, I was very upset. But Doug and I got to talk about it and I put in my notice. If I'm not actually doing a good job then I'm not helping them. Then the idea of needing to be around because they're short an employee and another is set to begin a temporary leave is silly. And what's $30 a month? Dinner out. It's not like we save $30 a month, mentally it's just difficult to think about it that way. I'm going to save $40 a month just on not buying disposable diapers for day care now. I'll save money in groceries and gas. We're actually going to be coming out ahead. I know that sounds counter-intuitive but it's not.
I'm a little disapointed that I apparently am a failure at this job. It's not easy for me to admit that. I still don't see how, but what do I know. But mostly, I see this as God answering my prayer, though not at all as I imagined it. And as a test to see if I can still love myself. I don't have to take some sort of "Nuh-uh!!" attitude, I can love myself even with my flaws. I might have reasons or excuses or contributing factors that I could spend all day explaining to me not being great or perfect or apparently even adequate at this job, but none of it matters. What matters is that this job does not define me, I do not measure my self-worth and life success by my ability to perform at this time in my life at that job. Of course I want to do things well, but it's alright if it turns out I don't have the right stuff. I gave it my best and that's not good enough. I know a place where I'm always good enough....in the arms of my son!!
We'll see how we do on our super tight budget and reevaluate in a few months. Hopefully it will continue to make sense for me to stay home with him. And since one of the biggest reasons why we didn't want to have a second yet was because of daycare, then we're one step closer. There are still other things, like paying for the medical care of the pregnancy and birth. Hopefully I'd be able to breastfeed again, but after the baby starts solids there's the increase in food and little things will go up as well. I'd do laundry more frequently etc. I told you we were on a tight budget! I think I'm going to start a separate blog about that to inspire myself and keep me on track!
Friday, June 1, 2012
When are you having another one?
I'm getting this comment a lot lately. Around here it seems like everyone (and maybe it's the national average, I really don't know) have their kids closer together. Teddy is 1 1/2, so clearly I must be thinking about number 2, right?!
Honestly, it makes me really sad. On some level it's crazy to think about because I'm just so wrapped up in him and it's hard to picture having another one, less attention on Teddy, #2 will have less attention than Teddy got. But I definitely do want siblings for him and I know those are normal feelings that work themselves out.
What makes me sad is that it was a long road of getting pregnant with Teddy. Then I had a hard pregnancy. And of course, there's money. I don't hate my job, it's the best one I've ever had and I'm learning lots of great skills. I've decided to put my MA in history on hold. If I want to finish it I can later, but it's not a very feasible job market. I've realized that I want to study history forever, but I don't need it to be my career. I'm prefectly happy job wise in the healthcare administration field. I tried other majors besides history in college but always came back to it. I only recently realized my issue was that when I'd open the books for the other majors they didn't excite me and I found myself thinking "I can't do this forever!" Well, you don't study a book forever! Putting what you learn to practice is so different than actually doing the reading, writing and test taking on it!
But I hate the idea of having to work full time, of missing out on time with a new baby. It makes me want to bawl when I think of that baby not getting time with me the way Teddy did. I already feel bad about my time away from Teddy. I'm working more hours temporarily right now, but if it's not an option permantely then I'll have to find a second part time job because with the regular hours after day care and the extra in gas, insurance and food, I only make $60 a month. At the same time, I've tried and there's just no where to cut that $60. Even if I did, that would just break us even. What I would need to do is find a way to cut even more so we could actually save. But right now with the extra hours things are working out quite nicely.
Until I'd have to pay for child care for a second child, diapers, food etc. Then our budget is bust given both options. So basically I would need to suck it up and find full time employment with a bit higher pay or wait until Teddy is in pre-K. It's so hard to accept this because all I've ever really wanted to do was be a mother. I wanted to homeschool my kids and now it looks like the only way I'll be able to have additional children is when each one starts school. The idea of this being reality for me breaks my heart. I know things might change. Doug could get a really great job tomorrow, he wants to finish school and might get a better one then, in about 2 years. After that I might get a Master's in Healthcare Adminsitration, and that would pay more, even if it wasn't full time. Or I might be able to work from home.
What really breaks my heart is that when Doug worked at Applebee's we could have found a way to live on one salary. What really got us was that the condo was too expensive for us and no one wanted to rent it or buy it (or any of the others available and for sale). We could have afforded something less expensive but still not have to live with my father-in-law. I stand behind my husband 1000% for his reasons for quitting. I stand behind him 1000% for not taking the other restaurant jobs he found. And I stand behind him 1000% for putting availability for church ahead of work. But I can't help but feel like things should have worked out by now. It's been a year. A very, very, very long and hard year. I guess, I know how much things can change in a year now.
Who knows, maybe things will be so much better this time next year. But right now, I wonder how this is working in God's plan. How can it be God's plan for me to have to work and barely contribute and have to pick between spending time with my child and earning more money so we can have some saved for a rainy day, our own place or college? I know I was made to be a mother, it's the only thing I've tried that gives me real and true joy. There are women out there that go back to work because they feel more fulfilled. No judgement on them at all, but that's not me. I think people actually expect that of me because I have a college degree, because I am studious and serious. But I don't feel more fulfilled at all. College was just the back up plan, in case we really needed 2 incomes at some point. I thought it would give me more opportunities than without it. I've seen lots of women who were only able to work at grocery stores or clean houses etc. Those are great jobs (which I've done, by the way) but I know they leave you tired and drained and don't pay a lot. I thought I could always work when the kids were older or grown. And not to start a mommy war, but it really kills me that his day care teacher spends more time with him during a day then I do. He's learning so much right now and it's not from me!
Well, anyway, nosey folks everywhere, that's why we're not having a second one yet. And I'm not for sure when we will. From a financial stand point a lot of things would have to change and it will be several more years. From a biological stand point, who knows if my stupid body will agree to a second pregnancy which opens a whole different can of worms. So my concise answer to this question is: "We're gladly accepting donations to the 'Give Teddy a Sibling Fund'!"
Honestly, it makes me really sad. On some level it's crazy to think about because I'm just so wrapped up in him and it's hard to picture having another one, less attention on Teddy, #2 will have less attention than Teddy got. But I definitely do want siblings for him and I know those are normal feelings that work themselves out.
What makes me sad is that it was a long road of getting pregnant with Teddy. Then I had a hard pregnancy. And of course, there's money. I don't hate my job, it's the best one I've ever had and I'm learning lots of great skills. I've decided to put my MA in history on hold. If I want to finish it I can later, but it's not a very feasible job market. I've realized that I want to study history forever, but I don't need it to be my career. I'm prefectly happy job wise in the healthcare administration field. I tried other majors besides history in college but always came back to it. I only recently realized my issue was that when I'd open the books for the other majors they didn't excite me and I found myself thinking "I can't do this forever!" Well, you don't study a book forever! Putting what you learn to practice is so different than actually doing the reading, writing and test taking on it!
But I hate the idea of having to work full time, of missing out on time with a new baby. It makes me want to bawl when I think of that baby not getting time with me the way Teddy did. I already feel bad about my time away from Teddy. I'm working more hours temporarily right now, but if it's not an option permantely then I'll have to find a second part time job because with the regular hours after day care and the extra in gas, insurance and food, I only make $60 a month. At the same time, I've tried and there's just no where to cut that $60. Even if I did, that would just break us even. What I would need to do is find a way to cut even more so we could actually save. But right now with the extra hours things are working out quite nicely.
Until I'd have to pay for child care for a second child, diapers, food etc. Then our budget is bust given both options. So basically I would need to suck it up and find full time employment with a bit higher pay or wait until Teddy is in pre-K. It's so hard to accept this because all I've ever really wanted to do was be a mother. I wanted to homeschool my kids and now it looks like the only way I'll be able to have additional children is when each one starts school. The idea of this being reality for me breaks my heart. I know things might change. Doug could get a really great job tomorrow, he wants to finish school and might get a better one then, in about 2 years. After that I might get a Master's in Healthcare Adminsitration, and that would pay more, even if it wasn't full time. Or I might be able to work from home.
What really breaks my heart is that when Doug worked at Applebee's we could have found a way to live on one salary. What really got us was that the condo was too expensive for us and no one wanted to rent it or buy it (or any of the others available and for sale). We could have afforded something less expensive but still not have to live with my father-in-law. I stand behind my husband 1000% for his reasons for quitting. I stand behind him 1000% for not taking the other restaurant jobs he found. And I stand behind him 1000% for putting availability for church ahead of work. But I can't help but feel like things should have worked out by now. It's been a year. A very, very, very long and hard year. I guess, I know how much things can change in a year now.
Who knows, maybe things will be so much better this time next year. But right now, I wonder how this is working in God's plan. How can it be God's plan for me to have to work and barely contribute and have to pick between spending time with my child and earning more money so we can have some saved for a rainy day, our own place or college? I know I was made to be a mother, it's the only thing I've tried that gives me real and true joy. There are women out there that go back to work because they feel more fulfilled. No judgement on them at all, but that's not me. I think people actually expect that of me because I have a college degree, because I am studious and serious. But I don't feel more fulfilled at all. College was just the back up plan, in case we really needed 2 incomes at some point. I thought it would give me more opportunities than without it. I've seen lots of women who were only able to work at grocery stores or clean houses etc. Those are great jobs (which I've done, by the way) but I know they leave you tired and drained and don't pay a lot. I thought I could always work when the kids were older or grown. And not to start a mommy war, but it really kills me that his day care teacher spends more time with him during a day then I do. He's learning so much right now and it's not from me!
Well, anyway, nosey folks everywhere, that's why we're not having a second one yet. And I'm not for sure when we will. From a financial stand point a lot of things would have to change and it will be several more years. From a biological stand point, who knows if my stupid body will agree to a second pregnancy which opens a whole different can of worms. So my concise answer to this question is: "We're gladly accepting donations to the 'Give Teddy a Sibling Fund'!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)