Monthly survey:
1. How old is baby? He's 18 months and 2 weeks.
2. Stats:
a. Weight: He wouldn't let the nurse weigh him. Before they called us all he wanted to do was play with he scale (we were in the back waiting room). Anyway, he was 30 pounds last week, so we'll go with that.
b. Height: 33 inches.
c. Clothes size: Definitely 2t/24 month. Hoping that will last all summer.
d. Diaper size: Size large for cloth, though in my GMD prefolds I'm going to buy extra large soon. Size 6for sposies, which we use for daycare.
e. Hair color: it's turning more strawberry blonde.
f. Eye color: Finally decided on hazel gray/green.
g. Anything else?
3. Milestones:
a. Teething: Still 18. His gums still seem swollen and he occasionally stuffs things way back there but it doesn't look like the 2 year old molars will be appearing any time soon.
b. Talking: I tried counting them all yesterday, it's 55-60. It can be hard to count because he'll parrot our words a lot too. So if we say to him "Can you say yogurt" and he says "yogurt" that doesn't technicallly count but if he calls it "yogurt" then it does. But it's not like he says 60 words all day long, some of them don't come up very often, or get replaced by newer words that he loves to use and show off. Right now that word is "no-no!!" Also a big change since last month: he says help versus fussing or signing please 90% of the time!
He understands lots of other words thoughs. And it's not like he will come up and ask for an egg or anything. But he will say it if he sees it in his alphabet book. Best thing is fish to him means fishie kisses! So I get those when we read that book!
c. Rolling: He likes to roll around in our bed now.
d. Walking: Walking and running pro now! He's getting really fast!
e. Crawling: He doesn't do it very often anymore.
f. Anything else? He will sing songs on his own, and try to sing with us to ones he knows like "Je La" is Jesus Loves Me.
4. Things he likes:
a. Toys: Grandad recently got him a sandbox, he has a pool, toy lawn mower. He still plays with other toys but honestly, I need to go through them and find some things that are more challenging for him. In the mean time his favorite thing is the broom and vacuum.
b. Books: He loves his alphabet book, his Mickey mouse light and sound book, his trucks book
c. TV Shows: He likes Mickey Mouse.
d. Music: Still loves to sing and dance! Singing can cure about 95% of the crankiness. And now he can reach the pump organ with one hand and actually press the pedal with his foot and make sound come out all on his own. We really need to get a piano/keyboard for him!
5. Things he dislikes: Most foods. He's suddenly got very picky. Tonight was the first night in 2 weeks that dinner wasn't a battle. Mom didn't give him snack so he was pretty hungry I guess. Interesting thing is that it was left overs from Wednesday, which he threw all over the ground. So, I guess time made it tastier? The problem really is that he suddenly has preferences but not a way to express them. If only he could say "Mother, tonight I'm in the mood for chicken, not ham. And the lima beans please!"
6. Sleeping: His bed time is now 8 pm. The problem is that most day care days he needs to get up at 6:30. Well, 7 now that he's not nursing. There have been a few nights when he didn't go to sleep right away and stayed up chatting in the crib and was really tired in the morning. He's in the "almost 2's" room at day care now and they nap on a mat on the floor and apparently he's doing really well with that!
7. Eating: See above. I was right about self-weaning. This Monday he refused to nurse and didn't want much breakfast. I decided to try the "don't offer, don't refuse" route on Tuesday and haven't looked back. He hasn't asked for it at all. For weeks before hand he'd barely nurse in the morning, his only feeding. Honestly, I could have probably weaned him without a problem a few months ago, but I wasn't ready. I'm glad it was so easy!! I hope it is for the next one(s)!!
8. Nicknames: I don't think this section changes ever, let alone monthly, not sure why it's in here!
9. Things we’re looking forward to next month: Warmer weather so enjoying the pool! Both at home and across town. Walks in the morning or evening. Playing in the sand box! Playing outside in general. Maybe a visit with Aunt Cindy in VA Beach.
10. How I like motherhood:
a. Likes: Love it! I love his personality. It's great seeing some of the best of me in him.
b. Dislikes: I wish I had more time with him. Even when I'm not working there's so much to do and I wish I could just sit and play with him more. But then when I try he's in more of an independent play stage so I just end up watching him. It makes me miss my little baby and wonder where the time went! I worry about the future a lot more now. I feel like I always have to think ahead. Things that are so second nature to me clearly aren't to others seeing as how they don't see how it could potentially go wrong. Not only is it exhausting to constantly be thinking like that but also it's frustrating to feel let down by others and/or that they can't do things "right." Doug for example is great with Teddy at home, but he's seldom gone on an errand with him alone (as in only once and that was last month). He just doesn't think ahead to being gone during snack time, needing diapers and entertainment. Trying to do errands without getting in and out of the car a thousand times (pay for gas at the pump, drive through at the bank etc.) The other day I was sick and also had a follow up appointment for Teddy and asked my mom to help. She brought a magazine in and kept checking her cell phone. Yeah....that's not really helping with a toddler in a room full of no-no's!! So basically, I'm reaching a stage where it's becoming a strain on my other relationships more than a strain on me....guesss that's confidence?
Friday, May 25, 2012
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Things are looking up
It's no secret the last several months have been ridiculously hard on us. Like just too many things adding up at once. There have been very few days when the three of us have all been happy and healthy at once since Christmas. But especially Teddy with the ear infections. He would just be so fussy and annoyed all day long.
He had tube surgery on May 3rd and literally by later that evening was like a new kid! He was happy and playing by himself. The surgery itself was super fast and easy. Teddy was a little crazy with the effects of anesthesia. I let him nurse and that helped a lot. I think he just needed something comforting while it worked off. By the time we got home it's like he never even had surgery.
The next day I went ahead to work since he was feeling so great and my mom watched him. He felt a little warm before I left but didn't have a fever and had been running around so I thought nothing of it. When I got home my mom said that he had a low fever that afternoon. It seemed like he wasn't feeling near as well 36 hours after the surgery than he was even 12 hours after. I asked my boss about it (I work for the ENT who did the surgery) and they said that it was unlikely a fever that far out from the surgery was related. It of course is possible for him to get another ear infection but he would have had other signs, which he didn't. He slept fine that night.
Saturday during the day he seemed good until 5 pm. He had just had his bath, we were eating dinner and getting ready for church when Doug noticed a rash on his hands, feet and around his mouth. He had been exposed to Hand, Foot, Mouth Disease at daycare, so we knew this was a possibility. We didn't go to church and I called his family doctor on call that evening. I just wanted to be sure that it wasn't anything that he could benefit from having a definite diagnosis earlier than Monday because the office doesn't have Sunday hours. He said given what I said it's probably HFM but even if it's chicken pox, while there would be things we could do to help moreso with that, it would be fine to wait until Monday.
Sunday the rash had spread up his legs and then eventually on his trunk and some on his back. My SIL came over to visit and said she thought it was chicken pox, as did my mother. When Teddy was born I chose to do a delayed vaccination schedule. I just wasn't comfortable with him getting 6 shots at once and in case he had a reaction it would be difficult to access which it was to. Since I was a stay at home mom I had no qualms. When we put him in day care I decided to catch him up because I have to show all of his immunizations anyway and I'm not his only care giver. Well, he's still behind on some things, such has he hasn't had his chicken pox vaccination yet. I honestly wouldn't freak out if he got it. I'm on the fence about it. My grandmother had shingles (a virus that is common in older people who have been previously infected with the chicken pox) and it was terrible for her. He may be 60 before he gets it and who knows if I'll be alive but I'd still like to avoid my "baby" being in that sort of pain. At the same time....people get it and they don't die from it. Though I suppose that could be said for most vaccines these days. Very few people would die of the infections because of our medical standards in a Western nation. But if I can prevent it and much smarter people than me have suggested it's worth doing than I'll defer to them.
Anyway.....we got him checked on Monday. I was at work and my mom brought him. I was supposed to leave in just enough time for the appointment but my mom got there a few minutes early and they took him back right away (probably because it was possible he had chicken pox) and by the time I even left the office he was done. The doctor said it was just a normal viral rash and he could go back to daycare the next day.
The rest of the week was uneventful. Until the weekend. I had been on antibiotics for a sinus infection and still breastfeed once a day. Teddy ended up with a yeast infection and was craaaaanky!
Sunday I ended up with some kind of upset stomach.
Wednesday, May 16th we were in the ER because Teddy dislocated his elbow!! It's called Nursemaid's Elbow and is apparently quite common. It must have happened at daycare though the teacher isn't exactly sure how/when. It commonly happens when a child is holding an adult's hand and then suddenly sits down or stumbles and the adult yanks to balance the child. When I picked him up that afternoon they had said he was really listless after his nap but no fever or any reason why. Same for us that evening. He fussed anytime he moved basically and wouldn't eat but did play a little and we saw him move that arm. He went to sleep no problem at his usual time but woke up at 2:30. He was actually just fussing, not even steady fussing and not crying. But it's my policy to check on him when I know he's not feeling well. It made me very uneasy that I knew he didn't feel well but I couldn't figure out what was wrong. When I got to him he was laying instead of standing. His left arm was sprawled out and his fingers just a bit between the mattress and the crib. He was fussing like his fingers were stuck, but they weren't. He was moving the right side of his body, but not the left. He wailed when I picked him up and his left arm was entirely limp. It really freaked me out. Doug and I both kept trying to get him to move his arm but he wouldn't. Every time we did he cried. He asked to play with a ball and had problems balancing and I was worried there was something neurological going on so we brought out a book but he was able to name things in it so that made us feel better. Finally we saw him move his left arm just a bit so we knew he at least had control over it but simply didn't want to move it because it hurt. All this and getting dressed took about 45 minutes and we headed to the ER. There was very little wait and we were in and out in 2.5 hours! There was a psycho guy next to us though. After getting the elbow back in place he still didn't want to move it so we followed up with an x-ray just to be safe. Everything looked fine and we went home. It took until much later Thursday afternoon for him to really use the arm at all, and even now he still protects it some. Poor baby!!! We got home after 6 am, by the way.
Friday was his follow up appointment with his primary care doctor to check his elbow, everything looked great. It was the second time in 2 hours we were at the office because I woke up that morning with pink eye!! Feeling much better now but it made for a long day to go to the doctor's office twice in one morning and then I had to spend the rest of the morning running quick errands (like cashing a check after running around trying to locate it) and then the pharmacy.
I'll be honest. I thought after getting Teddy's tubes, that it would be a quick fix it and everything would be better. I thought if we could just hold out until then! And then the rash came, and my stomach and the elbow. Earlier in the week I had been talking to a friend and she said that it seemed like we had been through so much! While I totally agree, I've finally made "this too shall pass" be my mantra. So it's been awhile since we've been healthy and able to make it to church....but this too shall pass. I've been a believer for 16 years, I'm firm in my faith, this time span is barely a drop in the bucket compared to that.
So we finally got to church tonight and it was amazing! The sermon was great, and I know so because I actually got to hear the whole entire thing!!!!!!!!!!!! We finally found someone we were able to swap seats with so I could get up as often as needed with Teddy but I only had to take him out twice. Once during song service when he pooped, so I changed his diaper and gave him a snack and once after the sermon because he wanted to be loud during the prayer line. That's right, he played nicely for the whole sermon. I don't expect it to be this way for most days, or even ever again, really but it was so nice!! He can entertain himself at home between various activities and seldom needs/wants me involved but obviously he has a lot more space and can make more noise. But this was really nice. We won't make it tomorrow because we've got a friend's wedding as well as next Saturday but I'm hopeful about next Sunday then. He stayed up 2 hours past his bed time (we've successfully pushed it to 7:30-8 now) and wasn't insane. I'm really just beyond thrilled with this! Also, apparently he is really good at coloring now. Last time I tried with him he could barely put enough pressure on the page to make a color appear and it just annoyed him, so it's been weeks. I'm not sure if it was daycare or my mom...but he got practice in somewhere! He will hold a crayon in both hands. He won't color at the same time, but it will be funny when he figures it out.
Next post will be after his 18 month appointment. I'm not sure why when I scheduled it after his 15 month one they had to make it 2 months after he turns 18 months but whatever. I do know that Friday his weight at the office was 30 pounds, but Thursday at the ER they said 28.1. I wonder which scale is more correct? We'll see how tall he is! He's definitely in 2T stuff now. One day he woke up and his 18 month pants were way too short and it was too cold for shorts so I had to go and buy several pairs of 2t pants for him. I'm worried about the fall/winter! I hope he won't be in 3T by then. Supposedly growth is supposed to slow down but I'll bet you $1,000 he'll be in 3T long before his third birthday. Ideally I'd like it to be next spring. Then these pants I just bought (for the random week of 60 degree weather which has now returned to 80) can last through the fall/winter too.
He had tube surgery on May 3rd and literally by later that evening was like a new kid! He was happy and playing by himself. The surgery itself was super fast and easy. Teddy was a little crazy with the effects of anesthesia. I let him nurse and that helped a lot. I think he just needed something comforting while it worked off. By the time we got home it's like he never even had surgery.
The next day I went ahead to work since he was feeling so great and my mom watched him. He felt a little warm before I left but didn't have a fever and had been running around so I thought nothing of it. When I got home my mom said that he had a low fever that afternoon. It seemed like he wasn't feeling near as well 36 hours after the surgery than he was even 12 hours after. I asked my boss about it (I work for the ENT who did the surgery) and they said that it was unlikely a fever that far out from the surgery was related. It of course is possible for him to get another ear infection but he would have had other signs, which he didn't. He slept fine that night.
Saturday during the day he seemed good until 5 pm. He had just had his bath, we were eating dinner and getting ready for church when Doug noticed a rash on his hands, feet and around his mouth. He had been exposed to Hand, Foot, Mouth Disease at daycare, so we knew this was a possibility. We didn't go to church and I called his family doctor on call that evening. I just wanted to be sure that it wasn't anything that he could benefit from having a definite diagnosis earlier than Monday because the office doesn't have Sunday hours. He said given what I said it's probably HFM but even if it's chicken pox, while there would be things we could do to help moreso with that, it would be fine to wait until Monday.
Sunday the rash had spread up his legs and then eventually on his trunk and some on his back. My SIL came over to visit and said she thought it was chicken pox, as did my mother. When Teddy was born I chose to do a delayed vaccination schedule. I just wasn't comfortable with him getting 6 shots at once and in case he had a reaction it would be difficult to access which it was to. Since I was a stay at home mom I had no qualms. When we put him in day care I decided to catch him up because I have to show all of his immunizations anyway and I'm not his only care giver. Well, he's still behind on some things, such has he hasn't had his chicken pox vaccination yet. I honestly wouldn't freak out if he got it. I'm on the fence about it. My grandmother had shingles (a virus that is common in older people who have been previously infected with the chicken pox) and it was terrible for her. He may be 60 before he gets it and who knows if I'll be alive but I'd still like to avoid my "baby" being in that sort of pain. At the same time....people get it and they don't die from it. Though I suppose that could be said for most vaccines these days. Very few people would die of the infections because of our medical standards in a Western nation. But if I can prevent it and much smarter people than me have suggested it's worth doing than I'll defer to them.
Anyway.....we got him checked on Monday. I was at work and my mom brought him. I was supposed to leave in just enough time for the appointment but my mom got there a few minutes early and they took him back right away (probably because it was possible he had chicken pox) and by the time I even left the office he was done. The doctor said it was just a normal viral rash and he could go back to daycare the next day.
The rest of the week was uneventful. Until the weekend. I had been on antibiotics for a sinus infection and still breastfeed once a day. Teddy ended up with a yeast infection and was craaaaanky!
Sunday I ended up with some kind of upset stomach.
Wednesday, May 16th we were in the ER because Teddy dislocated his elbow!! It's called Nursemaid's Elbow and is apparently quite common. It must have happened at daycare though the teacher isn't exactly sure how/when. It commonly happens when a child is holding an adult's hand and then suddenly sits down or stumbles and the adult yanks to balance the child. When I picked him up that afternoon they had said he was really listless after his nap but no fever or any reason why. Same for us that evening. He fussed anytime he moved basically and wouldn't eat but did play a little and we saw him move that arm. He went to sleep no problem at his usual time but woke up at 2:30. He was actually just fussing, not even steady fussing and not crying. But it's my policy to check on him when I know he's not feeling well. It made me very uneasy that I knew he didn't feel well but I couldn't figure out what was wrong. When I got to him he was laying instead of standing. His left arm was sprawled out and his fingers just a bit between the mattress and the crib. He was fussing like his fingers were stuck, but they weren't. He was moving the right side of his body, but not the left. He wailed when I picked him up and his left arm was entirely limp. It really freaked me out. Doug and I both kept trying to get him to move his arm but he wouldn't. Every time we did he cried. He asked to play with a ball and had problems balancing and I was worried there was something neurological going on so we brought out a book but he was able to name things in it so that made us feel better. Finally we saw him move his left arm just a bit so we knew he at least had control over it but simply didn't want to move it because it hurt. All this and getting dressed took about 45 minutes and we headed to the ER. There was very little wait and we were in and out in 2.5 hours! There was a psycho guy next to us though. After getting the elbow back in place he still didn't want to move it so we followed up with an x-ray just to be safe. Everything looked fine and we went home. It took until much later Thursday afternoon for him to really use the arm at all, and even now he still protects it some. Poor baby!!! We got home after 6 am, by the way.
Friday was his follow up appointment with his primary care doctor to check his elbow, everything looked great. It was the second time in 2 hours we were at the office because I woke up that morning with pink eye!! Feeling much better now but it made for a long day to go to the doctor's office twice in one morning and then I had to spend the rest of the morning running quick errands (like cashing a check after running around trying to locate it) and then the pharmacy.
I'll be honest. I thought after getting Teddy's tubes, that it would be a quick fix it and everything would be better. I thought if we could just hold out until then! And then the rash came, and my stomach and the elbow. Earlier in the week I had been talking to a friend and she said that it seemed like we had been through so much! While I totally agree, I've finally made "this too shall pass" be my mantra. So it's been awhile since we've been healthy and able to make it to church....but this too shall pass. I've been a believer for 16 years, I'm firm in my faith, this time span is barely a drop in the bucket compared to that.
So we finally got to church tonight and it was amazing! The sermon was great, and I know so because I actually got to hear the whole entire thing!!!!!!!!!!!! We finally found someone we were able to swap seats with so I could get up as often as needed with Teddy but I only had to take him out twice. Once during song service when he pooped, so I changed his diaper and gave him a snack and once after the sermon because he wanted to be loud during the prayer line. That's right, he played nicely for the whole sermon. I don't expect it to be this way for most days, or even ever again, really but it was so nice!! He can entertain himself at home between various activities and seldom needs/wants me involved but obviously he has a lot more space and can make more noise. But this was really nice. We won't make it tomorrow because we've got a friend's wedding as well as next Saturday but I'm hopeful about next Sunday then. He stayed up 2 hours past his bed time (we've successfully pushed it to 7:30-8 now) and wasn't insane. I'm really just beyond thrilled with this! Also, apparently he is really good at coloring now. Last time I tried with him he could barely put enough pressure on the page to make a color appear and it just annoyed him, so it's been weeks. I'm not sure if it was daycare or my mom...but he got practice in somewhere! He will hold a crayon in both hands. He won't color at the same time, but it will be funny when he figures it out.
Next post will be after his 18 month appointment. I'm not sure why when I scheduled it after his 15 month one they had to make it 2 months after he turns 18 months but whatever. I do know that Friday his weight at the office was 30 pounds, but Thursday at the ER they said 28.1. I wonder which scale is more correct? We'll see how tall he is! He's definitely in 2T stuff now. One day he woke up and his 18 month pants were way too short and it was too cold for shorts so I had to go and buy several pairs of 2t pants for him. I'm worried about the fall/winter! I hope he won't be in 3T by then. Supposedly growth is supposed to slow down but I'll bet you $1,000 he'll be in 3T long before his third birthday. Ideally I'd like it to be next spring. Then these pants I just bought (for the random week of 60 degree weather which has now returned to 80) can last through the fall/winter too.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
17 months
Quick update: Teddy has his 4th ear infection in 2 months. He is probably getting tubes. Just need to double check with his doctor and then get the referral over to the ENT. And he seems more sick the last 2 days than he was on Thursday and Friday. Thursday is when he was seen by the doctor. He's on his last day of medication and obviously isn't feeling any better. This is so frustrating!
Monthly survey:
How old is baby? He's 17 months, 1 week, 3 days.
2. Stats:
a. Weight: He was about 29-29.5 pounds at the clinic on Thursday. He wouldn't stand still very long though.
b. Height: I haven't checked in awhile. I'd say 33-33.5 inches since he is definitely in 2T size now.
c. Clothes size: Definitely 2t/24 month. I had to make an emergency shopping trip on Friday because his 18month pants were suddenly way way way too short and we are months away from shorts weather.
d. Diaper size: Size large for cloth, though in my GMD prefolds I'm going to buy extra large soon. Size 5 for sposies, which we use for daycare.
e. Hair color: it's turning more strawberry blonde.
f. Eye color: they change colors a lot. Most days look like they're leaning towards brown.
g. Anything else?
3. Milestones: He knows lots of body parts: eyes, ears, nose, arm, beard, hair, head and he's started blowing kisses!
a. Teething: 18. He got his canines in the last week or two. Now it looks like he's working on his upper 2 year old molars. The gums are really swollen, but it doesn't seem like anything is close to cutting through.
b. Talking: He says tree, ball, boon (balloon), bye bye, up, down, hi, hello, that, kitty, cheese, boom, whoa, Dada, Mama, Mamama (grandma), Jeees (Jesus), Bro Ba (Bro. Branham), thank you, bounce, beard, ear, eye, boog (his new word for nose), hair, head, hat, ba (apple), bird, dog, cat, egg, fish, hat, moon, eat, Mickey.
He understands lots of other words thoughs. And it's not like he will come up and ask for an egg or anything. But he will say it if he sees it in his alphabet book. Best thing is fish to him means fishie kisses! So I get those when we read that book!
He can also sign: More, please, thank you and Jesus. We're working on help, but he mostly just signs please.
c. Rolling: He likes to roll around in our bed now.
d. Walking: Walking and running pro now! He's getting really fast!
e. Crawling: He doesn't do it very often anymore.
f. Anything else? He will sing songs on his own, and try to sing with us to ones he knows like "Je La" is Jesus Loves Me.
4. Things he likes: Explore and eat
a. Toys: Still a fan of non-toys mostly, but loves to play with balls and blocks. He stacked 9 blocks high the other day! He loves to play with the vacuum. He used to hate that thing and now I have to pry him away from it!
b. Books: He loves his alphabet book, his Mickey mouse light and sound book, his trucks book
c. TV Shows: He likes Mickey Mouse. He's been sick a lot and so he'll actually sit and watch. But if it's not on he doesn't miss it.
e. Other activities: He likes to throw. *Someone* taught him how to throw balls and now he throws just about anything. He also has learned to bite. On a sweeter note he also likes to give hugs and cuddle more now. You know....after he bites at you.
5. Things he dislikes: Not getting his way, having to put things one at a time in his mouth. He wants to shove it all in and as soon as it's in he's asking for more. Having to get out of the bath tub, coming in from playing outside. Sometimes getting in the car seat. He's STILL rear facing because they know recommend it until 2 years. So I'm waiting until he gets to be too much of a battle and then we'll flip him. I just want to do everything I can to keep him safe and they're finding out now that it really can make a difference. Mostly he doesn't want to get in the carseat because he'd rather play outside, not because it's rear facing. Once he's in it he's fine and is happy with his view.
6. Sleeping: On his now rare healthy days pretty good. He will nap 2-2.5 hours and sleep 11.5-12 hours straight at night. But he's had repeat ear infections for 2 months now and when it's really bad he does wake up and need another dose of pain reliever.
7. Eating: Pretty much anything we put in front of him. The other day he kept spitting out meat balls with dinner but we weren't at our house so I think that's why. Mostly he's a little food vacuum. He is still nursing once first thing in the morning but I think he's going to self-wean fairly soon.
8. Nicknames: Teddy, Teddy Bear, Chunky, Chunky Monkey, Chunk a Monk, Chunkers, Smiley, Wiggle worm, Silly, Son, The Boy, Honey, Sweetie, Sweetie Pie, Angel, Lovey, Stinky Butt, Fussy Pants, Fussbucket. I've been calling him Buddy and Bud a bit more now.
9. Things we’re looking forward to next month: Hopefullly he'll be feeling better! I hope either his ears clear up or he can get tubes and be feeling better. I just want my happy, healthy boy back!
10. How I like motherhood:
Monthly survey:
How old is baby? He's 17 months, 1 week, 3 days.
2. Stats:
a. Weight: He was about 29-29.5 pounds at the clinic on Thursday. He wouldn't stand still very long though.
b. Height: I haven't checked in awhile. I'd say 33-33.5 inches since he is definitely in 2T size now.
c. Clothes size: Definitely 2t/24 month. I had to make an emergency shopping trip on Friday because his 18month pants were suddenly way way way too short and we are months away from shorts weather.
d. Diaper size: Size large for cloth, though in my GMD prefolds I'm going to buy extra large soon. Size 5 for sposies, which we use for daycare.
e. Hair color: it's turning more strawberry blonde.
f. Eye color: they change colors a lot. Most days look like they're leaning towards brown.
g. Anything else?
3. Milestones: He knows lots of body parts: eyes, ears, nose, arm, beard, hair, head and he's started blowing kisses!
a. Teething: 18. He got his canines in the last week or two. Now it looks like he's working on his upper 2 year old molars. The gums are really swollen, but it doesn't seem like anything is close to cutting through.
b. Talking: He says tree, ball, boon (balloon), bye bye, up, down, hi, hello, that, kitty, cheese, boom, whoa, Dada, Mama, Mamama (grandma), Jeees (Jesus), Bro Ba (Bro. Branham), thank you, bounce, beard, ear, eye, boog (his new word for nose), hair, head, hat, ba (apple), bird, dog, cat, egg, fish, hat, moon, eat, Mickey.
He understands lots of other words thoughs. And it's not like he will come up and ask for an egg or anything. But he will say it if he sees it in his alphabet book. Best thing is fish to him means fishie kisses! So I get those when we read that book!
He can also sign: More, please, thank you and Jesus. We're working on help, but he mostly just signs please.
c. Rolling: He likes to roll around in our bed now.
d. Walking: Walking and running pro now! He's getting really fast!
e. Crawling: He doesn't do it very often anymore.
f. Anything else? He will sing songs on his own, and try to sing with us to ones he knows like "Je La" is Jesus Loves Me.
4. Things he likes: Explore and eat
a. Toys: Still a fan of non-toys mostly, but loves to play with balls and blocks. He stacked 9 blocks high the other day! He loves to play with the vacuum. He used to hate that thing and now I have to pry him away from it!
b. Books: He loves his alphabet book, his Mickey mouse light and sound book, his trucks book
c. TV Shows: He likes Mickey Mouse. He's been sick a lot and so he'll actually sit and watch. But if it's not on he doesn't miss it.
e. Other activities: He likes to throw. *Someone* taught him how to throw balls and now he throws just about anything. He also has learned to bite. On a sweeter note he also likes to give hugs and cuddle more now. You know....after he bites at you.
f. Music: Teddy got a banjo for Easter from his great uncle! Well, until he's old enough it's Doug's but Teddy loooooves it!! He will walk over to the case and sign "More, please." He's actually learning to be really gentle about playing the strings. My mom also got him a toy xylophone and he loves it too. Here's a video of his first time with it:
6. Sleeping: On his now rare healthy days pretty good. He will nap 2-2.5 hours and sleep 11.5-12 hours straight at night. But he's had repeat ear infections for 2 months now and when it's really bad he does wake up and need another dose of pain reliever.
7. Eating: Pretty much anything we put in front of him. The other day he kept spitting out meat balls with dinner but we weren't at our house so I think that's why. Mostly he's a little food vacuum. He is still nursing once first thing in the morning but I think he's going to self-wean fairly soon.
8. Nicknames: Teddy, Teddy Bear, Chunky, Chunky Monkey, Chunk a Monk, Chunkers, Smiley, Wiggle worm, Silly, Son, The Boy, Honey, Sweetie, Sweetie Pie, Angel, Lovey, Stinky Butt, Fussy Pants, Fussbucket. I've been calling him Buddy and Bud a bit more now.
9. Things we’re looking forward to next month: Hopefullly he'll be feeling better! I hope either his ears clear up or he can get tubes and be feeling better. I just want my happy, healthy boy back!
10. How I like motherhood:
a. Likes: I love the hugs and kisses. He went through a phase where he was just obsessed with Daddy but now he's coming back to me when he wants me and that feels soooo good! I love being his teacher and showing him things, seeing him get independent but also seeing that he still needs me.
b. Dislikes: Feeling inadequate like I mentioned last time, not being in control of everything. I can't make him be better and stay better. I can't make things go well enough so we can get to church. I hate having to make tough decisions like us getting to church but him staying up too late or being so upset it's a nightmare or missing another night. I hate sending him to daycare. Not that I don't like it there, it just kills me that someone else is with my kid for 9 hours a day and I don't know what's going on at all. And then on my days off I spend half the day running errands because I can only do an hour or two at once because it's all he can tolerate before he needs lunch and a nap. I feel like we don't get to just hang out like we used to. That there's not enough flexibility. Though these complaints are less of what I dislike about motherhood and more of what I miss about being a stay at home mom. But I figure there are working moms out there who can totally sympathize with that. I also feel guilty about our turn in financial security. Like I'm robbing him of experiences and stability. That goes back to inadequate though.
But one little Mama and hug tells me that everything will be alright and that I'm the perfect mama for him!
Saturday, April 7, 2012
I just need a healthy kid! Oh, and to sleep...
Glance at the time stamp of this post. It used to be I was at church on a Saturday night at 8:50 pm. But hardly ever anymore!
Just when it seemed the ear infections have cleared up Teddy has come down with a really bad allergy attack! His eyes get all matted over and are puffy and swollen, he definitely is not feeling good. He's waking at 5 am again, not able to stay awake very long, not napping very long and needing bed time by 6 pm. I hate how things always seem to happen at the tail end of the week. Did he have an allergy attack on Monday so maybe he could be feeling better by tonight? No, it happens on Wednesday and he's only been on the medication for 3 days (give doses at night) and it's clearly not really in his system yet. And even though we're not sure what he's allergic to the pollen count has been crazy lately so we're spending all of our time indoors until the meds get in his system, which is driving him insane because he loves playing outside so much!
I'm not sleeping at all. I started a new birth control a little over a month ago and let's just say there were some complications with my first period. So no sleeping with that. And then they gave me medication for it and a side effect is lack of sleep. 3 weeks later, I'm off the meds and I'm still not sleeping. I sleep in 20-45 minute increments and then it takes about an hour to fall back asleep. It's beyond exhausting. It's really affecting how I can cope with Teddy and every day situations.
For my own sanity's sake I just can't do with me not sleeping and him not sleeping and trying to keep him happy and entertained well past his bed time when he's not feeling good in a busy and loud environment.
But I'm beginning to hear snide comments over my church attendance lately. Well, I'd like someone to walk in my shoes. And even then, all I'd say is they just must be a better person than I. Because for 17 months I've dealt with Teddy at church and have barely heard a word of sermon and at this point it's just not worth it. I'm getting absolutely zero out of it, he's a hot mess and for his own health needs the rest. Do I wanus to go to church and attend as a family? Yes!! Do I believe that I need to take him even if it's years before he can sit and listen and years before I'm done with little kids and will get to hear a sermon? Yes!! But if I have to make a choice between being able to be a good mommy and not driving to a building then I'm going to go with the first choice. We pray and read every day. We listen to sermons at home. We point out pictures of Jesus and Brother Branham to him. Our faith is living in us all day, every day. I don't need to go to to a building to teach Teddy that and so others can think that I have it. Others that don't even talk to me. So hopefully tomorrow we'll get there. And if not then we'll try again next week and the one after that and the one after that. Eventually Teddy will be healthy enough to make it. Just so no one thinks I'm just laying out of church forever. It just gets me upset that 17 months later I still can't even get a shower every day, brush my hair every day. Other mothers look so put together and have such well behaved infants and have tons of help and I am not any of that. To hear judgement is particularly hurtful. Perhaps we could swap a day and we'll see what they have to say then!
Just when it seemed the ear infections have cleared up Teddy has come down with a really bad allergy attack! His eyes get all matted over and are puffy and swollen, he definitely is not feeling good. He's waking at 5 am again, not able to stay awake very long, not napping very long and needing bed time by 6 pm. I hate how things always seem to happen at the tail end of the week. Did he have an allergy attack on Monday so maybe he could be feeling better by tonight? No, it happens on Wednesday and he's only been on the medication for 3 days (give doses at night) and it's clearly not really in his system yet. And even though we're not sure what he's allergic to the pollen count has been crazy lately so we're spending all of our time indoors until the meds get in his system, which is driving him insane because he loves playing outside so much!
I'm not sleeping at all. I started a new birth control a little over a month ago and let's just say there were some complications with my first period. So no sleeping with that. And then they gave me medication for it and a side effect is lack of sleep. 3 weeks later, I'm off the meds and I'm still not sleeping. I sleep in 20-45 minute increments and then it takes about an hour to fall back asleep. It's beyond exhausting. It's really affecting how I can cope with Teddy and every day situations.
For my own sanity's sake I just can't do with me not sleeping and him not sleeping and trying to keep him happy and entertained well past his bed time when he's not feeling good in a busy and loud environment.
But I'm beginning to hear snide comments over my church attendance lately. Well, I'd like someone to walk in my shoes. And even then, all I'd say is they just must be a better person than I. Because for 17 months I've dealt with Teddy at church and have barely heard a word of sermon and at this point it's just not worth it. I'm getting absolutely zero out of it, he's a hot mess and for his own health needs the rest. Do I wanus to go to church and attend as a family? Yes!! Do I believe that I need to take him even if it's years before he can sit and listen and years before I'm done with little kids and will get to hear a sermon? Yes!! But if I have to make a choice between being able to be a good mommy and not driving to a building then I'm going to go with the first choice. We pray and read every day. We listen to sermons at home. We point out pictures of Jesus and Brother Branham to him. Our faith is living in us all day, every day. I don't need to go to to a building to teach Teddy that and so others can think that I have it. Others that don't even talk to me. So hopefully tomorrow we'll get there. And if not then we'll try again next week and the one after that and the one after that. Eventually Teddy will be healthy enough to make it. Just so no one thinks I'm just laying out of church forever. It just gets me upset that 17 months later I still can't even get a shower every day, brush my hair every day. Other mothers look so put together and have such well behaved infants and have tons of help and I am not any of that. To hear judgement is particularly hurtful. Perhaps we could swap a day and we'll see what they have to say then!
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Sickness
Teddy has had 3 ear infections in 3 weeks.
He was fussy a lot starting Feb. 24 but he's getting his canines, so we figured that's what it was all about. He was such a mess by bed time we had to miss church that weekend, he just needed the sleep. Church is at his usual bed time so it can be really difficult to get there or even remotely enjoy it if he just needs the sleep. We've tried, but pushing his bed time forward doesn't workTY.
Monday, Feb. 27th was his first day at daycare. My mom went out of town to visit her sister in California for nearly 2 weeks, and then ended up staying down in VA Beach helping take care of my sick grandma until yesterday, 3/23. Anyway, it seemed like a good time to transition him to day care, we'll use her and our friend as back up sitters.
But we had snow on that day! More than what was expected too. So, some of the teachers didn't make it in, including Teddy's usual one, and of course a lot of students didn't show up either. Anyway, DS spent the whole day in the infant room and only slept about 10 minutes. We thought it was just because in the infant room they're not on the one long afternoon nap schedule, so there was noise, light etc.
A co-worker was sick and my boss was out of town, so I ended up working Tuesday. Daycare is only Monday and Wednesday and has to stay regular days, I can always add more if needed, but they have to keep them consistent. So I asked the sitter on Tuesday at pick up if he was acting weird or anything because he had a runny nose. She said he was fine.
Wednesday Feb. 29th he woke up at 5 am with a 102 fever. Since my co-workers were out I had to work. DH took off and took him to the doctor: ear infection #1. That night was awful. He was up screaming for hours. Thursday night was pretty good. I worked some on Thursday and some on Friday as well. It was a killer week. Friday night he was up screaming for hours. There was no way we were making church on Saturday. Saturday night was terrible, rinse and repeat for Sunday.
But, Sunday night he slept good so we sent him to daycare. He only slept 45 minutes. We figured it would just take a while for him to get used to everything. Monday night and Tuesday night he slept ok, his nap was a little short on Tuesday for me instead of 2 hours. Wednesday at daycare he only slept 10 minutes again and he was up screaming for hours in the middle of the night. So we took him back in to the doctor, they said he still had the ear infection and also some on one of his tonsils. They gave him a baby z-pack and said he should perk up within 24 hours. And he did, I thought. He seemed great on Friday and Saturday until about 5 pm, and then he started rubbing his eyes. We decided to try to keep him up until 6:30 and do a slightly early bed time, there was no way we were giving him a nap at 5 pm and even if we did, we'd still end up late to church.
Sunday he was great, we were all set for church and then our car was making really funny sounds on the way to pick up our friend so we decided not to risk it. I'm a worry wort but it was Doug making that decision, which I think really says something. It's been misfiring for months but we were told it wasn't anything to worry about. We finally got it in a few days ago and again told nothing to worry about. It was fine on Monday morning. Really frustrating to miss church because of the car.
Monday he slept a little over an hour at day care, things were looking up! Tuesday he only slept a little over an hour for me. Wednesday he only slept 45 minutes but said 5 new words during dinner, so we thought perhaps he was hitting the 18 month sleep regression/word explosion a little early. His night time sleep had been fine during all of this but he kept waking up screaming at 5 am. Thursday pretty much the same deal.
Friday morning he woke up at 5 and would not go back to sleep but he didn't want to play or eat either. He kept flopping around, practically looked like he was writing in pain. He didn't have a fever. But he just seemed really lethargic and pale so we just wanted to double check it wasn't his ear still.
This time it's the other ear, we don't know about his throat, he wouldn't let the doctor look. The docotr said he usually refers to get tubes after 5 infections within a short period of time or 2 months of consecutive problems and we're halfway there on both points. Everyone please pray that they will clear up without the need for tubes! I would just rather avoid surgery. We don't have insurance right now but I did apply him for medicaid a few weeks ago and should hear back soon. Right now the medications we're paying weekly are costing us an arm and a leg.
I'm getting really frustated with things. Doug quit his job so he could spend more time with us and actually make it to church. We put things in God's hands and it's been 9 months. He does at least have a job, and it means plenty of time with us and time with God and that's absolutely great, a true answer to prayer. But it would be nice to be able to afford a place to rent, groceries etc. We're so blessed that we're able to stay with my father-in-law right now but it's really just not the best situation. I know God is meeting all of our needs but I don't know how much humble pie I can eat. I grew up on assistance and from what I saw it was because people made really bad choices in life. I didn't make those choices. I got a college degree, I have a good relationship, a good marriage, I didn't have a child until I was 25 and we could afford it. Of course circumstances change but this is frustrating for me. I'm on WIC now so I can buy Teddy's milk and cheese and now the possibility of Medicaid. We were told we make $60 a month too much to qualify for anything else, which is really frustrating because we can't afford our own place, gas and groceries are really expensive too. We don't live for free here. We pay the incredibly high electric bill ($300 a month) but it's still cheaper than rent we've seen. Right now, there's not money left over, especially with the addition of day care. But it's physically too difficult for my mother and this is cheaper than the sitter and the gas to get there. But every time I drop him off with someone else it kills me. I know God is more than able to bless us with the desires of our hearts and that he has a plan for all of this but it's all just too much sometimes.
Right now taking care of Teddy, even when he's healthy and happy, takes a lot of my energy so I don't dwell on these things very much which is good because it just makes me want to run away and bawl. So, pray for me, pray for Teddy, pray that we can at least get to church for a change!
He was fussy a lot starting Feb. 24 but he's getting his canines, so we figured that's what it was all about. He was such a mess by bed time we had to miss church that weekend, he just needed the sleep. Church is at his usual bed time so it can be really difficult to get there or even remotely enjoy it if he just needs the sleep. We've tried, but pushing his bed time forward doesn't workTY.
Monday, Feb. 27th was his first day at daycare. My mom went out of town to visit her sister in California for nearly 2 weeks, and then ended up staying down in VA Beach helping take care of my sick grandma until yesterday, 3/23. Anyway, it seemed like a good time to transition him to day care, we'll use her and our friend as back up sitters.
But we had snow on that day! More than what was expected too. So, some of the teachers didn't make it in, including Teddy's usual one, and of course a lot of students didn't show up either. Anyway, DS spent the whole day in the infant room and only slept about 10 minutes. We thought it was just because in the infant room they're not on the one long afternoon nap schedule, so there was noise, light etc.
A co-worker was sick and my boss was out of town, so I ended up working Tuesday. Daycare is only Monday and Wednesday and has to stay regular days, I can always add more if needed, but they have to keep them consistent. So I asked the sitter on Tuesday at pick up if he was acting weird or anything because he had a runny nose. She said he was fine.
Wednesday Feb. 29th he woke up at 5 am with a 102 fever. Since my co-workers were out I had to work. DH took off and took him to the doctor: ear infection #1. That night was awful. He was up screaming for hours. Thursday night was pretty good. I worked some on Thursday and some on Friday as well. It was a killer week. Friday night he was up screaming for hours. There was no way we were making church on Saturday. Saturday night was terrible, rinse and repeat for Sunday.
But, Sunday night he slept good so we sent him to daycare. He only slept 45 minutes. We figured it would just take a while for him to get used to everything. Monday night and Tuesday night he slept ok, his nap was a little short on Tuesday for me instead of 2 hours. Wednesday at daycare he only slept 10 minutes again and he was up screaming for hours in the middle of the night. So we took him back in to the doctor, they said he still had the ear infection and also some on one of his tonsils. They gave him a baby z-pack and said he should perk up within 24 hours. And he did, I thought. He seemed great on Friday and Saturday until about 5 pm, and then he started rubbing his eyes. We decided to try to keep him up until 6:30 and do a slightly early bed time, there was no way we were giving him a nap at 5 pm and even if we did, we'd still end up late to church.
Sunday he was great, we were all set for church and then our car was making really funny sounds on the way to pick up our friend so we decided not to risk it. I'm a worry wort but it was Doug making that decision, which I think really says something. It's been misfiring for months but we were told it wasn't anything to worry about. We finally got it in a few days ago and again told nothing to worry about. It was fine on Monday morning. Really frustrating to miss church because of the car.
Monday he slept a little over an hour at day care, things were looking up! Tuesday he only slept a little over an hour for me. Wednesday he only slept 45 minutes but said 5 new words during dinner, so we thought perhaps he was hitting the 18 month sleep regression/word explosion a little early. His night time sleep had been fine during all of this but he kept waking up screaming at 5 am. Thursday pretty much the same deal.
Friday morning he woke up at 5 and would not go back to sleep but he didn't want to play or eat either. He kept flopping around, practically looked like he was writing in pain. He didn't have a fever. But he just seemed really lethargic and pale so we just wanted to double check it wasn't his ear still.
This time it's the other ear, we don't know about his throat, he wouldn't let the doctor look. The docotr said he usually refers to get tubes after 5 infections within a short period of time or 2 months of consecutive problems and we're halfway there on both points. Everyone please pray that they will clear up without the need for tubes! I would just rather avoid surgery. We don't have insurance right now but I did apply him for medicaid a few weeks ago and should hear back soon. Right now the medications we're paying weekly are costing us an arm and a leg.
I'm getting really frustated with things. Doug quit his job so he could spend more time with us and actually make it to church. We put things in God's hands and it's been 9 months. He does at least have a job, and it means plenty of time with us and time with God and that's absolutely great, a true answer to prayer. But it would be nice to be able to afford a place to rent, groceries etc. We're so blessed that we're able to stay with my father-in-law right now but it's really just not the best situation. I know God is meeting all of our needs but I don't know how much humble pie I can eat. I grew up on assistance and from what I saw it was because people made really bad choices in life. I didn't make those choices. I got a college degree, I have a good relationship, a good marriage, I didn't have a child until I was 25 and we could afford it. Of course circumstances change but this is frustrating for me. I'm on WIC now so I can buy Teddy's milk and cheese and now the possibility of Medicaid. We were told we make $60 a month too much to qualify for anything else, which is really frustrating because we can't afford our own place, gas and groceries are really expensive too. We don't live for free here. We pay the incredibly high electric bill ($300 a month) but it's still cheaper than rent we've seen. Right now, there's not money left over, especially with the addition of day care. But it's physically too difficult for my mother and this is cheaper than the sitter and the gas to get there. But every time I drop him off with someone else it kills me. I know God is more than able to bless us with the desires of our hearts and that he has a plan for all of this but it's all just too much sometimes.
Right now taking care of Teddy, even when he's healthy and happy, takes a lot of my energy so I don't dwell on these things very much which is good because it just makes me want to run away and bawl. So, pray for me, pray for Teddy, pray that we can at least get to church for a change!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
15 months!
Monthly Survey
1. How old is baby? He's 15 months, and 3 days. And very much a toddler now!
2. Stats:
a. Weight: 26 pounds and 12 ounces today at the office. He weighs in at 27 at our house. Not sure if our scale is a bit off or if it was because he kept trying to hop off the scale at the office.
b. Height: 31.5 inches. I think he's closer to 32 and it was just hard to measure him, but close enough.
c. Clothes size: 24m/2t stuff fits. His 18 month pants are getting a bit short, but will hopefully make it through the winter. I'm guess he'll be in 3t next winter? I hear growth slows so I'm not super sure, which only matters because I like to buy his clothes on sale.
d. Diaper size: In size large for cloth, 4 for disposables.
e. Hair color: it's turning more strawberry blonde.
f. Eye color: they change colors a lot. Most days look like they're leaning towards brown.
g. Anything else?3. Milestones:
a. Teething: 12. He's working on his top molars and then it will just be canines and 2 year old molars left. The end is in sight.
b. Talking: He says tree, ball, boon (balloon), bye bye, up, down, hi, hello, that, kitty, cheese, boom, whoa and Da pretty consistently. I've heard mama a few times, apple a few times and I think he's saying moon now too. Tree, Da and up are his favorites. He also signs more, all done and finally please. Next we're going to work on thank you.
c. Rolling: almost off the changing table everysingletime.
d. Walking: Walking and running pro now! He now wants to walk up the stairs instead of crawl so he'll hold on to our hands. He's trying to down too, but it's not working at all because he wants to go too fast!
e. Crawling: He doesn't do it very often anymore.
f. Anything else? He's started to dance to music! And finally figured out jumping in the crib.
4. Things he likes: To get his way! Haha! And Dada, his new favorite.
a. Toys: Still likes non-toys. He likes that toy with the pop up things that teach the different motor skills and his toy computer.
b. Books: He doesn't want to sit still long enough to read much these days. When he does then he likes anything with an object he knows, like a ball or balloon.
d. TV Shows: He likes the theme song to The Office and he will watch Spongebob for a few minutes. Most of the time he doesn't even notice it when we've got it on. He likes the controllers though. I've tried the WVPT shows, I've tried Veggie Tales and no interest. I rarely have the TV on when he's awake though.
e. Other activities: He likes to wrestle, fall down and say "boom!", play with the light switch especially the pull cord lamp above his crib. Oh, and he will give hugs and kisses when asked sometimes now! The other day I gave him our ice scraper to play with outside and he instinctively started to try it out as a shovel. I thought that was really neat! The other week we were playing with him before bed and asked him to bring the ball to Daddy and he followed the instruction several times. It's amazing what he is learning!
f. Music: I'm adding this category because I don't like how TV is on here but not music. I have Pandora Radio playing a lot for background noise. We also have CDs that we like and itunes. I do a mix of baby/toddler music, praise and worship, hymns and gospel. His favorite song is "If you're happy and you know it." He loves clapping his hands. We can just ask him "Are you happy?" and he'll clap his hands. He's connected the emotion with the word and with the action. We can play with him and tickle him and he'll clap his hands out of happiness. He loves playing our old pump organ, pianos, drums and singing. Ooh, and tabmorines.
5. Things he dislikes: puree foods and not getting his way! He's also not a fan of the vacuum, which is one reason why I don't use it enough. He has this toy that my sister-in-law gave him, I think it was used by her kids that are now grown. It sat in his room for a few weeks before we put batteries in it. Finally one day he seemed to really notice it and wanted to play with it, still without batteries. A few days later Doug finally put batteries in it and it makes a certain noise that Teddy does not like at all. He will press it and run away. He'll play with it either off or while literally holding on to us still. What a fraidy cat! I think it's just because he got used to it not making noise and lighting up and now it does. We probably confused him, poor thing!
6. Sleeping: Down to one nap a day for 2-2.5 hours and sleeping through the nights for several weeks straight until Saturday. One of his top molars is really coming through and giving him an awful time.
7. Eating: Not as picky as before. There are just certain things that I guess he's not in the mood for but doesn't know how to communicate it. One day he'll barely touch a type of food, the next day he's all over it. He has a healthy appetite generally.
8. Nicknames: Teddy, Teddy Bear, Chunky, Chunky Monkey, Chunk a Monk, Chunkers, Smiley, Wiggle worm, Silly, Son, The Boy, Honey, Sweetie, Sweetie Pie, Angel, Lovey, Stinky Butt, Fussy Pants, Fussbucket. I've been calling him Buddy and Bud a bit more now.
9. Things we’re looking forward to next month: hopefully going on a little trip to visit family in VA Beach and maybe NOVA.
a. Likes: I love seeing him learn and how engaged he can be in everything.
b. Dislikes: I hate seeing him in pain. I hate feeling inadequate sometimes. I'm not sure if I mentioned that before or not. But it's difficult feeling like you need to come up with an answer immediately and you have no clue. Or just times when maybe you need a slower and quiet day and he wants to run around non-stop. I hate those days. I generally long for bed time all day and then once he's asleep I feel guilty because I think I didn't take enough time to enjoy him or spend time with him, especially when I have to run a bunch of errands. Or times when I am legitimately sick and I can't take care of him and me. I'm so glad I've got the wonderful support of my husband and mother for those times!! But there are always enough opportunities to try again and succeed which also makes me feel very adequate and at times, indispensible.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Stressed to the max
I'm sure I'll soon be told that it's inappropriate for me to post my feelings on my blog but because I've basically been told not to elsewhere, I need to get it out somewhere.
In the last two years I've been through so much. Too much. I don't think most people could come through it all with sanity. And that is, assuming they had a relatively level life beforehand, which I did not. Something about my childhood, I just view things so very differently than most people. I am perpetually socially awkward and typically left out. Yes, even at the age of 26 and a mom of a one year old it bothers me. I have no mom friends that I can ask things, no one with kids offering for Teddy to play with. And I worry that it will really affect him.
A quick recap: In June 2009 we felt led to move to Alaska. While we were there God really did a lot on Doug's heart and showed him how backslidden he was. It took so much trusting in the Lord and courage to leave everything and everyone behind and start a new life. I drove across country while Doug had arrived a few weeks earlier. I encountered a lot of problems and never knew I had the strength I did to just keep pushing through to reach the goal. We got there and had nothing. No furntiure, no jobs and my brother was staying with us until we could afford to fly him home. I remember one time I was crying and telling Doug that I didn't know how we were going to pay bills and that we didn't even have a couch to sit on or a bed to sleep on (we were sleeping on borrowed cots). He just kept saying the Lord would provide and I said "I know, but a couch isn't just going to fall out of the sky for us!" Literally as soon as the words came out of my mouth there was a knock on the door and a girl from church had found a couch for us and brought it over!
We did a lot of growing and learning in the Lord. I felt more accepted and at home there then I ever had before. I have such a soft spot in my heart for children. I often think that maybe if my own siblings had been more accepted at church, maybe if there was a sunday school then they would have stayed and not made all the other choices they did. Maybe the other kids around them also would have been taught some better behavior towards 'outsiders.' They made me Sunday School teacher, had just started the program, and I loved those kids dearly. People fellowshipped every night, and day. We'd be invited over and get to hear testimonies and have a great time with people. I've been at this church for roughly 16 years and have never had that happen. For quite awhile it was the happiest we had ever been.
But then things changed. We noticed a few problems with doctrine and thought they were innocent errors only to find out that they weren't. We found out that the leadership of the church was severely messed up. We still loved the lay people but the leadership was scary. When Doug told the pastor that we'd have to find somewhere else to worship and that by that point we were considering moving again (VA was only one of many possibilities at the time) and he offered to build a house for us on their communal land. Yes, communal land. I won't go in to everywhere here but suffice to say that when we left, we tried to live anonymously for the last 2 weeks and did not let anyone from the church know our final leave date. We changed our phone numbers our second day in VA. I seriously was afraid to answer my phone, the front door, go shopping etc. We still have dreams that these people are trying to reach us. Every time I see a grey Nissan Titan my heart skips a beat. The other day I saw a man in the Wal-Mart parking lot and he looked like one of the deacons from the church and I started to panic. There were some very painful things said over the whole thing, and by people that I thought were better friends than I had ever had before.
Coming back to VA was hard. We didn't know what to say to most people, we didn't know what they were thinking. We didn't know how to explain what we had been through, how we felt. I've always felt excluded at our church in VA, but it's where we belong theologically, so I'm trying to make the most of it. There's a very long and painful history to all of this, that no one really knows about because quite frankly no one has asked, or even been close enough for me to talk to. If you can not make time to talk to me but every few months and outings together etc. are even less frequent then please stop kidding yourself. We're not best friends. We were best friends, for a year or two in high school but now, I don't know you better than a bum on a street. And the ones that don't consider us best friends, I know even less. There's just no way I could sit and tell them all of these things. In fact, I tried one time and it was like I was speaking a different language entirely.
This is the first time I've put that out there for anyone aside from my husband and mother to know about. I just can't keep holding it in. Since I was 10 years old I would hear rumors that different people have been told to stay away from me. I don't know what I did at 10, or who it was that decided to pass that kind of judgement on a child but it's really not cool. I've been living under this condemnation for 16 years. Having people keep their distance from me, being told I'm not good enough. In that 16 years I've seen a lot of people fall and be picked back up, I've seen a lot of bad things happen and be forgiven. Why not me? Assuming I did something bad in the first place. What did I do that was so bad? I feel like to coutner this I have to try to live as perfect as possible and it's just a stress I can't handle. I've reached my breaking point.
Right now just gettign to church is a huge challenge. Making it through those doors with all of us clean and fed and on time. Everyoen else I know has family that can help them at least a few times a week so they can try to get stuff done. Even though Doug has a better job, he's still gone for most of Teddy's awake time. Then because we're living in my father in law's basement and it's so tiny and the walls are so thin we try to sit in practical silence until it's our bed time. I don't have the freedom to walk up the stairs to pee much less to vacuum my living room like most people do when the baby is asleep. Once I'm at church I try to keep Teddy in the sanctuary as long as I can. Because I have to climb over 2 people while dead lifting Teddy so he doesn't end up kicking the pastor's wives in front of us. Then the nursery is overflowing and it takes forever to get a turn at the high chair or changing table. Teddy is fully mobile now and does not want to sit still for nothing and of course doesn't understand why he can't go and play with the doors like he can at home. Most people bring their kids in and out as needed but it's just too hard for me to get out of the sanctuary.
For months Teddy had awful sleeping problems. Church is actually at his bed time. Naps were always thrown off on church days and he just couldn't stay up. But he couldn't tune out chruch and fall asleep either. I finally resorted to arriving an hour before service started, I'd wear him in a carrier, stand in an upstairs bathroom with no lights on and a sound maker on my phone blaring on high and bounce him and shush him the whole time. He didn't sleep for a whole hour, usually just 30 minutes, but it was enough to help get him through service. For months he'd be so overtired that he'd just scream and scream the whole way home. He'd wake up with night terrors sometimes, I've been told they can be induced due to lack of sleep. He's doing great with sleep now but dealing with all that and now his mobility is just too much for me. I feel like no night goes right and no one else has all the hard times I do. I'll be curious to see how some of the up and coming babies act when they get his age. I wasn't around to see how the ones that are turning 3 were at his age (I was in Alaska) and the one that's a few months older than him just has a different personality. But right now I really feel like I can't do anything right when it comes to church and Teddy. I can't even chang his diaper there by myself because he's constantly wanting to roll around and get down and walk. Just the thought of having to handle church makes me feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. And that's assuming there aren't bigger issues like the time his diaper leaked at the church dinner and I didn't have a change of clothes for him and here it is 30 and he's pantsless. And while I'm looking for something in the diaper bag I get knocked over by a man trying to get a drink, after I got bumped into all night long and Teddy was wanting to get down and walk all night long and was also getting bumped into.
Adjusting to living with my father in law and then having a newborn while Doug worked awful hours and a stressful job proved too hard. We moved out when our renters left our condo, only to find that they had trashed the place and the whole neighborhood went downhill. Doug quit Applebee's and we soon lost everything.
We declared bankruptcy only a few weeks ago. We're living with my father in law. And through all this, I haven't sat and said everything to a real life friend. The church stuff, I don't think anyone not from my faith would remotely understand. But there are a few non-church friends who I have at least talked to about some of the things.
And now Teddy is weaning some. It's a slow transition. We're down to one session a day, he nixed the night time one about 1.5 weeks ago. What no one told me is that your hormones are out of control during this time. So, as if I don't have enough on my plate, now I've got this and I literally feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm not myself and I've recently done a very stupid thing. No one is more upset than me. While I think on paper comapred to the mistakes other people can make it's not the biggest deal, it is. It's the worst thing I've ever done. I've tried to make it right by the people and they refuse to accept my apology. That I could live with I suppose but the thing is for the last 16 years I've been conditioned to believe that I'm not worthy of God's love and forgiveness.
Right now I'm swinging between remorse and rage. So much remorse that I want to curl up into a ball and never see the light of day again. To never try to show my face again. That nothing will ever be right again and that the last 16 years of my life that I've lived a good life is now forever tainted and will be remembered only by this. On the rage side I'm unspeakably mad that I'm being held to a double standard. That I know what I've done is not unforgiveable. And that the people I have hurt have hurt me and others in the exact same manner, and have not been met with the same reaction. I keep trying to tell myself that God's grace is sufficient for me, that Jesus paid it all and that if they can't forgive me and that if everyone else gets involved and somehow thinks less of me then that's between them and God. I've done my part, I've sought their forgiveness and God's. But the problem is that I'm crazy and this is my weak spot. So about 80-90% of the time I think the other thing. That I'm so lowly and unforgivable. I always feel low but it's even worse now that I've done something bad. I'm not sure if I'll ever really forgive myself.
And what makes it even worse, is once again, I got told that a person was warned about me from the start. My mind doesn't even know what to do with that. It's entirely consuming me. Who told them? When? Why? Again? Really, what did I do to deserve this so long ago? I consider myself a very observant and consciencous person. I'm always trying to think of how I can make someone else's life/day a little easier. Whether that be to scoot out of the way in the ridiculously tiny church nursery before they need to ask or to let someone have a seat when it would be easier for me to, with the baby and daiper bag and all. I try to anticipate others needs. I totally failed here, but is it really going to erase 16 years of kindness? If by their fruit ye shall know them then does one bad apple negate my whole tree?
I guess I'm looking for absolution or at the very least for someone to tell me that I'm not crazy for having my thoughts race out of control about this and/or I should give myself a break because a person can only go through so much before they crack.
In the last two years I've been through so much. Too much. I don't think most people could come through it all with sanity. And that is, assuming they had a relatively level life beforehand, which I did not. Something about my childhood, I just view things so very differently than most people. I am perpetually socially awkward and typically left out. Yes, even at the age of 26 and a mom of a one year old it bothers me. I have no mom friends that I can ask things, no one with kids offering for Teddy to play with. And I worry that it will really affect him.
A quick recap: In June 2009 we felt led to move to Alaska. While we were there God really did a lot on Doug's heart and showed him how backslidden he was. It took so much trusting in the Lord and courage to leave everything and everyone behind and start a new life. I drove across country while Doug had arrived a few weeks earlier. I encountered a lot of problems and never knew I had the strength I did to just keep pushing through to reach the goal. We got there and had nothing. No furntiure, no jobs and my brother was staying with us until we could afford to fly him home. I remember one time I was crying and telling Doug that I didn't know how we were going to pay bills and that we didn't even have a couch to sit on or a bed to sleep on (we were sleeping on borrowed cots). He just kept saying the Lord would provide and I said "I know, but a couch isn't just going to fall out of the sky for us!" Literally as soon as the words came out of my mouth there was a knock on the door and a girl from church had found a couch for us and brought it over!
We did a lot of growing and learning in the Lord. I felt more accepted and at home there then I ever had before. I have such a soft spot in my heart for children. I often think that maybe if my own siblings had been more accepted at church, maybe if there was a sunday school then they would have stayed and not made all the other choices they did. Maybe the other kids around them also would have been taught some better behavior towards 'outsiders.' They made me Sunday School teacher, had just started the program, and I loved those kids dearly. People fellowshipped every night, and day. We'd be invited over and get to hear testimonies and have a great time with people. I've been at this church for roughly 16 years and have never had that happen. For quite awhile it was the happiest we had ever been.
But then things changed. We noticed a few problems with doctrine and thought they were innocent errors only to find out that they weren't. We found out that the leadership of the church was severely messed up. We still loved the lay people but the leadership was scary. When Doug told the pastor that we'd have to find somewhere else to worship and that by that point we were considering moving again (VA was only one of many possibilities at the time) and he offered to build a house for us on their communal land. Yes, communal land. I won't go in to everywhere here but suffice to say that when we left, we tried to live anonymously for the last 2 weeks and did not let anyone from the church know our final leave date. We changed our phone numbers our second day in VA. I seriously was afraid to answer my phone, the front door, go shopping etc. We still have dreams that these people are trying to reach us. Every time I see a grey Nissan Titan my heart skips a beat. The other day I saw a man in the Wal-Mart parking lot and he looked like one of the deacons from the church and I started to panic. There were some very painful things said over the whole thing, and by people that I thought were better friends than I had ever had before.
Coming back to VA was hard. We didn't know what to say to most people, we didn't know what they were thinking. We didn't know how to explain what we had been through, how we felt. I've always felt excluded at our church in VA, but it's where we belong theologically, so I'm trying to make the most of it. There's a very long and painful history to all of this, that no one really knows about because quite frankly no one has asked, or even been close enough for me to talk to. If you can not make time to talk to me but every few months and outings together etc. are even less frequent then please stop kidding yourself. We're not best friends. We were best friends, for a year or two in high school but now, I don't know you better than a bum on a street. And the ones that don't consider us best friends, I know even less. There's just no way I could sit and tell them all of these things. In fact, I tried one time and it was like I was speaking a different language entirely.
This is the first time I've put that out there for anyone aside from my husband and mother to know about. I just can't keep holding it in. Since I was 10 years old I would hear rumors that different people have been told to stay away from me. I don't know what I did at 10, or who it was that decided to pass that kind of judgement on a child but it's really not cool. I've been living under this condemnation for 16 years. Having people keep their distance from me, being told I'm not good enough. In that 16 years I've seen a lot of people fall and be picked back up, I've seen a lot of bad things happen and be forgiven. Why not me? Assuming I did something bad in the first place. What did I do that was so bad? I feel like to coutner this I have to try to live as perfect as possible and it's just a stress I can't handle. I've reached my breaking point.
Right now just gettign to church is a huge challenge. Making it through those doors with all of us clean and fed and on time. Everyoen else I know has family that can help them at least a few times a week so they can try to get stuff done. Even though Doug has a better job, he's still gone for most of Teddy's awake time. Then because we're living in my father in law's basement and it's so tiny and the walls are so thin we try to sit in practical silence until it's our bed time. I don't have the freedom to walk up the stairs to pee much less to vacuum my living room like most people do when the baby is asleep. Once I'm at church I try to keep Teddy in the sanctuary as long as I can. Because I have to climb over 2 people while dead lifting Teddy so he doesn't end up kicking the pastor's wives in front of us. Then the nursery is overflowing and it takes forever to get a turn at the high chair or changing table. Teddy is fully mobile now and does not want to sit still for nothing and of course doesn't understand why he can't go and play with the doors like he can at home. Most people bring their kids in and out as needed but it's just too hard for me to get out of the sanctuary.
For months Teddy had awful sleeping problems. Church is actually at his bed time. Naps were always thrown off on church days and he just couldn't stay up. But he couldn't tune out chruch and fall asleep either. I finally resorted to arriving an hour before service started, I'd wear him in a carrier, stand in an upstairs bathroom with no lights on and a sound maker on my phone blaring on high and bounce him and shush him the whole time. He didn't sleep for a whole hour, usually just 30 minutes, but it was enough to help get him through service. For months he'd be so overtired that he'd just scream and scream the whole way home. He'd wake up with night terrors sometimes, I've been told they can be induced due to lack of sleep. He's doing great with sleep now but dealing with all that and now his mobility is just too much for me. I feel like no night goes right and no one else has all the hard times I do. I'll be curious to see how some of the up and coming babies act when they get his age. I wasn't around to see how the ones that are turning 3 were at his age (I was in Alaska) and the one that's a few months older than him just has a different personality. But right now I really feel like I can't do anything right when it comes to church and Teddy. I can't even chang his diaper there by myself because he's constantly wanting to roll around and get down and walk. Just the thought of having to handle church makes me feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. And that's assuming there aren't bigger issues like the time his diaper leaked at the church dinner and I didn't have a change of clothes for him and here it is 30 and he's pantsless. And while I'm looking for something in the diaper bag I get knocked over by a man trying to get a drink, after I got bumped into all night long and Teddy was wanting to get down and walk all night long and was also getting bumped into.
Adjusting to living with my father in law and then having a newborn while Doug worked awful hours and a stressful job proved too hard. We moved out when our renters left our condo, only to find that they had trashed the place and the whole neighborhood went downhill. Doug quit Applebee's and we soon lost everything.
We declared bankruptcy only a few weeks ago. We're living with my father in law. And through all this, I haven't sat and said everything to a real life friend. The church stuff, I don't think anyone not from my faith would remotely understand. But there are a few non-church friends who I have at least talked to about some of the things.
And now Teddy is weaning some. It's a slow transition. We're down to one session a day, he nixed the night time one about 1.5 weeks ago. What no one told me is that your hormones are out of control during this time. So, as if I don't have enough on my plate, now I've got this and I literally feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm not myself and I've recently done a very stupid thing. No one is more upset than me. While I think on paper comapred to the mistakes other people can make it's not the biggest deal, it is. It's the worst thing I've ever done. I've tried to make it right by the people and they refuse to accept my apology. That I could live with I suppose but the thing is for the last 16 years I've been conditioned to believe that I'm not worthy of God's love and forgiveness.
Right now I'm swinging between remorse and rage. So much remorse that I want to curl up into a ball and never see the light of day again. To never try to show my face again. That nothing will ever be right again and that the last 16 years of my life that I've lived a good life is now forever tainted and will be remembered only by this. On the rage side I'm unspeakably mad that I'm being held to a double standard. That I know what I've done is not unforgiveable. And that the people I have hurt have hurt me and others in the exact same manner, and have not been met with the same reaction. I keep trying to tell myself that God's grace is sufficient for me, that Jesus paid it all and that if they can't forgive me and that if everyone else gets involved and somehow thinks less of me then that's between them and God. I've done my part, I've sought their forgiveness and God's. But the problem is that I'm crazy and this is my weak spot. So about 80-90% of the time I think the other thing. That I'm so lowly and unforgivable. I always feel low but it's even worse now that I've done something bad. I'm not sure if I'll ever really forgive myself.
And what makes it even worse, is once again, I got told that a person was warned about me from the start. My mind doesn't even know what to do with that. It's entirely consuming me. Who told them? When? Why? Again? Really, what did I do to deserve this so long ago? I consider myself a very observant and consciencous person. I'm always trying to think of how I can make someone else's life/day a little easier. Whether that be to scoot out of the way in the ridiculously tiny church nursery before they need to ask or to let someone have a seat when it would be easier for me to, with the baby and daiper bag and all. I try to anticipate others needs. I totally failed here, but is it really going to erase 16 years of kindness? If by their fruit ye shall know them then does one bad apple negate my whole tree?
I guess I'm looking for absolution or at the very least for someone to tell me that I'm not crazy for having my thoughts race out of control about this and/or I should give myself a break because a person can only go through so much before they crack.
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