Ugh most frustrating appointment of my life!
So, I had to a fasting blood sugar draw and then eat breakfast and they'd test me 2 hours later. Why they wanted to do this instead of a glucose test I don't know. Why they wanted to test me again when I passed last time I don't know. Anyway, so the lab tech says "Let me know when you're done eating because that's when we have to start the clock." I said "Ok, well it's just a cup of yogurt so it won't take long." She demanded that I eat more. I tried explaining that it was Greek yogurt, it had 20g of carbs and 14 g of protein. That's more than you'd get from eggs and a slice of toast for example, it's just compact. That's why Greek yogurt is so awesome. I explained that when I had GD I had to eat less than 30g of carb and at least 7g of protein. She said that they wanted me to eat "normally." First of all, that is still normal. Those commercials with a bowl of cereal, even something 'healthy' like Cheerios and then a fruit is messed up. When I had GD I couldn't even drink milk because it was so full of sugar. So no, I will never eat that way again and call it healthy and normal. Secondly, what does she know? Even when I had GD the OBs didn't know squat and I had to go to a nutritionist, they just knew what number to worry about. But I went ahead and listened to her anyway and bought a chicken biscuit at Chick Fil A and at the yogurt too so I probably had like 70g of carbs. Now, I'm not actually very worried because I have eaten bad and had donuts before and tested and it was fine. But I still feel like I should not have listened to her. So if I fail I will demand to take a 3 hour glucose test because every time I test off of what I eat it's fine.
Then before the appointment I was sat down with a nurse and talked to about a thousand things that was unexpected. I wasn't expecting that until like 32 weeks, I"m still deciding on some things and hoping to transfer care to a birth center. But yeah, that was awful. "Oh, you didn't get a flu shot?" That wasn't intentional but my general physician said he wouldn't give me one and then the OB office was out and since I usually have side effects I was trying to pick a good day when Doug was going to be home to help out if needed. And some how I got to February without and it obviously it's not that big of a deal now but this nurse totally acted like I was going to die or something. Then she was mad because I haven't registered at the hospital yet. First of all, hoping to not use the hospital (not that I told her that). Secondly, she says "Ok, well they want you to do that at 30 weeks." Ummm, I'm 28 so you don't need to act like I'm late on that and how I am I supposed to know this if no one tells me. No one even said a thing last time until I was 35 weeks and no one mentioned I was "late" and even if I did it "on time" last time I doubt I'd remember when it had to be done this time around. Not exactly a high light to remember. Then I was asked about the pediatrician. I had to leave Harrisonburg Peds because they didn't take Medicaid, which we had Teddy on for a few months, but even before that they were backed up for months and couldn't do his 9 month appointment until 11 months. So I switched him over to our family practice. But I'm not opposed to going back. At this point I"m still debating on where she's even going to sleep, only recently decided if we were moving or not. Excuse me if I haven't decided who we will take her to if she gets sick after she is born....13-15 weeks from now! Then I got told about all the testing they will do in the hospital on him and it just made me mad because I KNOW those things are optional but she wasn't presenting it that way at all. I declined the Hep B vaccine with Teddy in the hospital and will with this one as well. Then I was asked what type of birth control I wanted afterwards. Um, still surprised I'm pregnant after my fertility issues. We haven't been able to really decide and talk about this. And she stared me down for 25 seconds until I said that I guess I'd do the mini pill, not that I'm decided on that at all, I just wanted to get everything over with. Then I was asked what anesthesia I wanted. I said I wanted to try natural but the last time I talked about it they insisted on another c-section. The nurse said "Yeah, once you've had one you have to have another. You just do." INFURIATING!!!!!!! No you don't!!! If it was another practice or another hospital they would be fine with it! Ridiculous the way she was presenting things and taking all my decisions away.
Then I had an ultrasound. Though at my 24 week appointment no one understand why that had been ordered. But anyway, yay for more pics. Definitely a girl and she actually looks really dainty, I can't help smiling at the pics. I'm surprised at how little she looks like Teddy. The tech and Doug both said she looked just like me. She was weighing around 3 pounds. That seems really big already!! But everything looked great.
So I still haven't gotten the results to my test. I was told I'd have them yesterday. I'm assuming I passed but will call tomorrow to confirm. I will literally do a happy dance if I get to transfer to Brookhaven.
Symptom wise things are great. Heartburn is decreasing. I've noticed after going on walks I do feel a lot of contractions, just in the last 3 days. So if they continue I will ask about that. Because it makes it really uncomfortable to do it but I know I should, especially if I'm planning on a natural birth- it's going to be worse than a marathon. So I don't know if I need to up my water or if there's no way to avoid that but if there's a way to avoid it then yeah, I'd like that. She is all over the place, down low, up high on the side. Sometimes she feels really low for how much longer is left!
Sleep is still mostly better. Teddy is in a toddler bed and is sleeping until about 6 am and playing nicely until 6:30 or even 7. I wake up when he does but he wants to play alone in his room. I was hoping after Daylight Savings Time started he'd sleep later and stay up later but he only did that one day. He will somewhat happily stay up until 8pm but still wakes up at 6 am and is a wreck until nap time, so I don't think 10 hours of sleep agrees with his system, he's always needed 11-12. The hardest thing is church. Last time I went Teddy was up until 10pm and then woke up at 4 am. It was excruciating for me and took days to get him caught up on sleep. Last weekend I had 3 different people call me and basically tell me I need to come to church after missing for 3 weeks. Oh yeah, people that don't talk to me any other time. Thanks for showing your love. Ok, is someone willing to help me with Teddy? Because no one is. Even my mother. Can God really not understand that I just can't be pregnant in half a house while my husband gets up at 5 am for work and works until 5-6 pm and then goes straight to church unless I ask for his help because I'm just so wiped out after dealing with a grumpy toddler who is not sleeping enough and I'm not sleeping enough too. Those type of days I can't even manage to do bed time, they seem to coincide with when baby girl has totally beaten me up on the inside and I just want to lay down for a little bit It doesn't help that my outside giant baby still wants to climb and jump all over me. As usual, he doesn't realize he's big and is just acting like a normal 2 year old. I don't think God is so insecure that He needs my presence at church if it means I'm going to lose my mind. I don't care if it means I'm inadequate compared to 35 other women at church. I'd like to point out they DO have help, but even if they don't and can do better than me, I don't care. I'm done hating myself because of trying to be someone else. And another thing, the next time someone who doesn't even have a 2 year old yet, let alone one who is just particular about his sleep no matter what I do, glares at me because I can't 'control' him while he's up 3 hours past his bed time I might actually slap her right there in the church nursery. Maybe then she will know how her baby feels (yes, I went there, it bothers me sooo much that she spanks her BABY and in case she hasn't noticed she's been doing it for months and he still hasn't figured it out because they just don't learn that way yet!) Anyway, we haven't left church and we're not forsaking gathering together. I wish that we could be more like every single other family there but we're not and I don't see how that's against the Word. I'm not missing for convenience, I'm missing because I literally just can not do it all on my own and I am not too proud to admit that I'd like help, just no one has followed through. So, in interest of self-preservation so I can continue to hobble along this is what I've got to do. Go criticize someone else. I hate missing church, I hate missing that time of worship, I'm not doing this for fun.
They've changed some things at Doug's work. He's now acting manager as they're doing a trial run on a new management set up at his store for the next 4 months. But he doesn't have all the duties and therefore not the pay and other perks either, go figure. He's pretty stressed about it but I think he will be ok in a few weeks after the transition.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
24 week update
Oh my this pregnancy is flying by! And it needs to slooooooow down!
I'm 25 weeks but had my 24 week check up today. I still haven't gained any weight. My blood sugar levels are great but they're going to make me do another test at 28 weeks. I will arrive and do a fasting, then eat breakfast and test 2 hours after. Which is ridiculous if you ask me because that is what I do at my house. But sure, let me pay extra for that. I was more than willing to do another 3 hour if needed. The difference is drinking the glucose solution. Yeah, it's nasty but not so nasty that I'm willing to do anything under the sun to avoid it. And I know I'm overweight but I haven't even gained any weight yet, so Dr. S can quit acting like I exist off of sugar. I'm really not a fan of her, and she's the one that I've seen each time due to some kind of scheduling glitch.
So as soon as I pass the 28 week thing I am off to Brookhaven Birth Center. And if I fail it (feels like a lot would have to change between now and then) then I will have to see if someone in Stuanton offers VBAC (vaginal birth after caeserean) because my research is showing that to be safer. The argument Harrisonburg OB/Gyn has of "there's not enough anesthesiologists for emergency situations on staff" is actually ludicrious when you think about it. What happens if I go into labor early? Late enough for them to not want to stop labor but not on their time schedule? They would either need to make space for me immediately or let me labor some until an opening occurred. Laboring under that condition is no worse than laboring for a VBAC, especially because most issues occur early in labor, usually before a woman would even have very timeable contractions and be calling the hospital. I'm not so cynical as to think that they're doing it to make more money or work around their schedule, it's probably law suit and insurance related. But anyway, considering right now I'm thinking we'd eventually like another child or two, having repeat c-sections is repeatedly more dangerous.
We have definitely decided to stay at FIL's for a few more months. We're going to spend some money now to make some improvements for us downstairs, around what we would pay for one month's rent anywhere. And then we'll look again when baby is a few months old. I just didn't want the stress of moving and then buying all the baby things back to back in the last 2 months before delivery. So the next time we look there won't be such a time crunch. It might not be the most fun but it won't be on the same level of "Ok, all of May and June are out because I will be giving birth during one of them." So if it takes a few months to find the right place then that will be ok. And again, there is a very strong possibility that Doug is getting a promotion in the next few months.
Symptom wise there's nothing really new to report. I am sleeping a little better now, we got a new bed and mattress. We have been looking off and on since October and everytime Doug was was about to pull the trigger I started feeling guilty spending that type of money. But our sleep finally got bad enough and I realized that it doesn't matter if we don't have a lot of money, things break. Things break and you have to fix them and that's just the way it is. And actually it worked out better because we found the same bed we had been loving at the Ashley Furniture Store at their discount place across town but in white instead of a stain for $800 instead of $1200 and then we got the mattress there for $200. Yeah, a king size for $200!! He practically gave it away for free. It feels much better. Not as good as the kind we would have bought but we can update later if we need it. And we were able to keep king size.
Baby girl is quite the mover. I think she dashes up to the top of my uterus and then just jumps down, a lot.
We used Doug's honor points from when he travelled for work training in August (they paid for it but he still got the points) and got a $200 a night hotel in Alexandria for $60. We did a one night trip, got to sleep in and enjoy some Smithsonians. The only downsides were that we shouldn't have worked the day of and then our car battery randomly died just before leaving after dinner with Doug's aunt and uncle. Thankfully they were still with us and were able to drive us to Wal-Mart and then their house to get tools (seriously, the Wal-Mart didn't even have a hammer or nails, ridiculous) and then back to the car since it wouldn't even take a jump. We planned to get home at 10 pm at the latest, got home after 1 am. Doug was up at 5:30 for work, Teddy woke up at 5:45. Definitely tired for the next few days. It would be nice to go away again for a night before baby is born, this being our first time being that far from Teddy, but I don't know who we'd leave him with. It's dramatic, so I guess that probably won't happen.
Ugh, he is still waking up so early. He did this last year too, so I'm hopeful that he will eventually sleep later again before the baby is born but my body is just not adjusting to falling asleep early. So I'm always feeling tired. And then I ask Doug to help some in the mornings and I feel really bad because even though I've already been up with Teddy for 2-3 hours, Doug has only been asleep for 6. Really hoping something changes before we have to deal with midnight feedings.
But he's also just soo smart! Talking so much, finally learned his colors! We're working on potty training. We started in January but then kind of took a break when I got sick. We will be transitioning him to a big boy bed soon. He is semi interested in climbing out, is climbing on a lot of things these days, but mostly because it is sooo hard for me to get him in there, especially if he doesn't want to.
I really need to get some pics on here!
I'm 25 weeks but had my 24 week check up today. I still haven't gained any weight. My blood sugar levels are great but they're going to make me do another test at 28 weeks. I will arrive and do a fasting, then eat breakfast and test 2 hours after. Which is ridiculous if you ask me because that is what I do at my house. But sure, let me pay extra for that. I was more than willing to do another 3 hour if needed. The difference is drinking the glucose solution. Yeah, it's nasty but not so nasty that I'm willing to do anything under the sun to avoid it. And I know I'm overweight but I haven't even gained any weight yet, so Dr. S can quit acting like I exist off of sugar. I'm really not a fan of her, and she's the one that I've seen each time due to some kind of scheduling glitch.
So as soon as I pass the 28 week thing I am off to Brookhaven Birth Center. And if I fail it (feels like a lot would have to change between now and then) then I will have to see if someone in Stuanton offers VBAC (vaginal birth after caeserean) because my research is showing that to be safer. The argument Harrisonburg OB/Gyn has of "there's not enough anesthesiologists for emergency situations on staff" is actually ludicrious when you think about it. What happens if I go into labor early? Late enough for them to not want to stop labor but not on their time schedule? They would either need to make space for me immediately or let me labor some until an opening occurred. Laboring under that condition is no worse than laboring for a VBAC, especially because most issues occur early in labor, usually before a woman would even have very timeable contractions and be calling the hospital. I'm not so cynical as to think that they're doing it to make more money or work around their schedule, it's probably law suit and insurance related. But anyway, considering right now I'm thinking we'd eventually like another child or two, having repeat c-sections is repeatedly more dangerous.
We have definitely decided to stay at FIL's for a few more months. We're going to spend some money now to make some improvements for us downstairs, around what we would pay for one month's rent anywhere. And then we'll look again when baby is a few months old. I just didn't want the stress of moving and then buying all the baby things back to back in the last 2 months before delivery. So the next time we look there won't be such a time crunch. It might not be the most fun but it won't be on the same level of "Ok, all of May and June are out because I will be giving birth during one of them." So if it takes a few months to find the right place then that will be ok. And again, there is a very strong possibility that Doug is getting a promotion in the next few months.
Symptom wise there's nothing really new to report. I am sleeping a little better now, we got a new bed and mattress. We have been looking off and on since October and everytime Doug was was about to pull the trigger I started feeling guilty spending that type of money. But our sleep finally got bad enough and I realized that it doesn't matter if we don't have a lot of money, things break. Things break and you have to fix them and that's just the way it is. And actually it worked out better because we found the same bed we had been loving at the Ashley Furniture Store at their discount place across town but in white instead of a stain for $800 instead of $1200 and then we got the mattress there for $200. Yeah, a king size for $200!! He practically gave it away for free. It feels much better. Not as good as the kind we would have bought but we can update later if we need it. And we were able to keep king size.
Baby girl is quite the mover. I think she dashes up to the top of my uterus and then just jumps down, a lot.
We used Doug's honor points from when he travelled for work training in August (they paid for it but he still got the points) and got a $200 a night hotel in Alexandria for $60. We did a one night trip, got to sleep in and enjoy some Smithsonians. The only downsides were that we shouldn't have worked the day of and then our car battery randomly died just before leaving after dinner with Doug's aunt and uncle. Thankfully they were still with us and were able to drive us to Wal-Mart and then their house to get tools (seriously, the Wal-Mart didn't even have a hammer or nails, ridiculous) and then back to the car since it wouldn't even take a jump. We planned to get home at 10 pm at the latest, got home after 1 am. Doug was up at 5:30 for work, Teddy woke up at 5:45. Definitely tired for the next few days. It would be nice to go away again for a night before baby is born, this being our first time being that far from Teddy, but I don't know who we'd leave him with. It's dramatic, so I guess that probably won't happen.
Ugh, he is still waking up so early. He did this last year too, so I'm hopeful that he will eventually sleep later again before the baby is born but my body is just not adjusting to falling asleep early. So I'm always feeling tired. And then I ask Doug to help some in the mornings and I feel really bad because even though I've already been up with Teddy for 2-3 hours, Doug has only been asleep for 6. Really hoping something changes before we have to deal with midnight feedings.
But he's also just soo smart! Talking so much, finally learned his colors! We're working on potty training. We started in January but then kind of took a break when I got sick. We will be transitioning him to a big boy bed soon. He is semi interested in climbing out, is climbing on a lot of things these days, but mostly because it is sooo hard for me to get him in there, especially if he doesn't want to.
I really need to get some pics on here!
Friday, February 8, 2013
Contemplating the impossible
Sigh. In the last few weeks I've suddenly gotten really into reading again. This means I'm trying to escape reality. Turns out my voracious hunger in high school for reading, even mundane things like text books, was because I hated my reality. Not that the reality of my life now is anywhere close to the reality it was then. God has been faithful to me. But, I'm still unhappy with how things are turning out.
Doug finally got on board with us looking for a place to move. Finally realized how difficult his dad is as a roommate, how little privacy there is. The space isn't insanely small, but it's just not ours. And the terror of adding a newborn into the mix. So we officially started looking on February 1st but I browsed for most of January, to get an idea of the market. We haven't rented since 2006. And honestly, the market is a bit confusing. I'm seeing things that are relatively the same size (900-1000 sq ft/2bed,1bath) and the same town range from $500-700+. That seems odd. Especially when it's a small town like Grottoes. There's not really "bad" neighborhoods there. Looking at a place like Staunton, which would be close to Doug's work, is even scarier. Everything we can afford is in the scary parts of town. Realistically, we need to be closer to $550-600 a month. I'd like to take the time to point out that when we bought our condo our mortgage was $575, when the market was high, for a 4 bed, 2 bath apartment in town. Not the best neighborhood but not unsafe either and when we bought it there weren't roaches or anything in there either (thank you nasty tenants who were our "friends" and the HOA manager who got indited and imprisoned for embezzlement rather than paying to fix the outdated pipes). It was cheaper to buy that place than it was to rent a 2 bedroom in the same town. But now we can't even find that price in a good part of town and without peeling paint, windows with gaps etc.
Also, like I said, we don't have (in state) rental history since before 2006. Our last landlords moved out of state, last I heard, and I would have no clue how to contact them. And our credit is still really bad from the bankruptcy. Not terrible, but not great. Pretty sure it was probably worse in 2006 actually since we were just starting out with credit, but no one wants to hear that now. Things have changed so much. People won't even give us an application to apply.
And there are downsides to moving. FIL might annoy me most of the time he's home and awake and moving around, but eventually he leaves. And if I am feeling especially moody or not up to his crap, I can try to hide out in the basement. It gets sticky around dinner time, which he only ever interrupts when Doug works. What is the deal with that?! And while we have cabinetry, a mini fridge, a microwave and a sink downstairs I can't really cook in it. We tried with a hot plate and it got fried. Apparently the wiring is pretty bad down here. But is any of this worse than living near neighbors I don't know? Who never leave? We have seldom seen a house for rent we can afford. It will be a townhouse (meaning attached on at least one side) or an apartment. If it's an apartment I then have to decide between having a neighbor on my head or lugging 2 kids and things up a flight of stairs and across a parking lot. I've done it with Teddy before and it's not fun either. And there's just noise. There are people leaving for work at 3 am and stomping on the steps. There are car alarms going off and horns honking for rides, deliveries to the wrong apartment banging on your door. FIL might not succeed in being quiet but he does try a little and isn't as bad as those things happening. But then I realize I haven't had a kitchen to myself since December 2009 and I really miss it. I miss having my own house and the privacy.
And once again I'm left feeling dumb for going off bcp when I did, even though after 7 years of infertility you think you'd be able to count on that. Even though I went in a prayer line, I didn't expect a miracle, I expected eventual healing. I'm not complaining, just not understanding.
So right now our choices are applying for low income housing and it still be tight on our budget, or staying with my FIL and trying to work on some of the things that we can fix, like maybe a thick runner and pad in the hallway and drywalling around the furnace so it doesn't rattle behind my head all night long (and keep me up).
I'm such a mess right now. I think on the one hand, while apartment life isn't great, plenty of people do it, and it would be ours. There are several parks in Grottoes that could make up for not having a yard, there's even a grocery store, general stores and restaurants now. It's grown a good bit since I first moved there when I was 14. It takes a lot of pride swallowing to consider applying for government assistance. I grew up on it. But I didn't make stupid choices. I didn't get involved with bad men, drink, do drugs, run away from home etc. like most of the residents, my mother and other family members did. My decisions at least had a potential to turn out well. But really, unless we relocate for me to work full time somewhere using my degree and I can somehow get over putting my kids in full time daycare and juggling work and home life, there's nothing I can do about it. I disagree with the idea that because I have a degree I need to use it right now, and because I have it means I should somehow be just as capable as juggling everything. It doesn't make me less anything because I can't juggle being a working mom. Being a working mom is a new phenomenon and I have immense respect for those that do it but that should not be the standard to judge me by. But then on the other hand, it really feels ridiculous to live with FIL, in his basement, with 2 kids and after having a college degree and being married 8 years. I feel like society expects me to suck it up, either via work or government assistance, even though we don't live here free and even though our money would still be tight (because daycare is insane versus job availability and they can pay low right now because everyone is looking).
I guess when I take away my thoughts on what society wants of me, it's smartest to stay here. We can actually save and will be closer to our own home. Doug will most likely be getting a promotion, it's just a matter of when and the fact that I didn't want to sit here forever and end up worrying about it all and moving at 9 months pregnant. I filled out the Section 8 application and then sat down and did the math and just immediately felt like a voice was telling me we were making a mistake.
And when I realize what God did for me, that He's ultimately in control even though I can not remotely see where my next step is right now.
And good Lord these children better appreciate this. Because it might honestly be easier on me to throw them in daycare, work my butt off and never spend time with them and bring home $30 a week and/or live in government housing than it is to continue to live with my FIL, as I'm reminded because he just stomped on my head 6 times back and forth consecutively. He'd get half way down the hall and then turn around again, again and again. What on earth?!! And it's not just that he stomps, but that I then have to have stupid conversations with him about things that don't interest me at all and center entirely on him being conceited. Oh, wait, he just went by again. AND I can hear him on the phone.
And again, I'm worried about having a newborn in this again because it about killed me with Teddy. Or maybe I should say I about killed someone else, lol! ;)
Doug finally got on board with us looking for a place to move. Finally realized how difficult his dad is as a roommate, how little privacy there is. The space isn't insanely small, but it's just not ours. And the terror of adding a newborn into the mix. So we officially started looking on February 1st but I browsed for most of January, to get an idea of the market. We haven't rented since 2006. And honestly, the market is a bit confusing. I'm seeing things that are relatively the same size (900-1000 sq ft/2bed,1bath) and the same town range from $500-700+. That seems odd. Especially when it's a small town like Grottoes. There's not really "bad" neighborhoods there. Looking at a place like Staunton, which would be close to Doug's work, is even scarier. Everything we can afford is in the scary parts of town. Realistically, we need to be closer to $550-600 a month. I'd like to take the time to point out that when we bought our condo our mortgage was $575, when the market was high, for a 4 bed, 2 bath apartment in town. Not the best neighborhood but not unsafe either and when we bought it there weren't roaches or anything in there either (thank you nasty tenants who were our "friends" and the HOA manager who got indited and imprisoned for embezzlement rather than paying to fix the outdated pipes). It was cheaper to buy that place than it was to rent a 2 bedroom in the same town. But now we can't even find that price in a good part of town and without peeling paint, windows with gaps etc.
Also, like I said, we don't have (in state) rental history since before 2006. Our last landlords moved out of state, last I heard, and I would have no clue how to contact them. And our credit is still really bad from the bankruptcy. Not terrible, but not great. Pretty sure it was probably worse in 2006 actually since we were just starting out with credit, but no one wants to hear that now. Things have changed so much. People won't even give us an application to apply.
And there are downsides to moving. FIL might annoy me most of the time he's home and awake and moving around, but eventually he leaves. And if I am feeling especially moody or not up to his crap, I can try to hide out in the basement. It gets sticky around dinner time, which he only ever interrupts when Doug works. What is the deal with that?! And while we have cabinetry, a mini fridge, a microwave and a sink downstairs I can't really cook in it. We tried with a hot plate and it got fried. Apparently the wiring is pretty bad down here. But is any of this worse than living near neighbors I don't know? Who never leave? We have seldom seen a house for rent we can afford. It will be a townhouse (meaning attached on at least one side) or an apartment. If it's an apartment I then have to decide between having a neighbor on my head or lugging 2 kids and things up a flight of stairs and across a parking lot. I've done it with Teddy before and it's not fun either. And there's just noise. There are people leaving for work at 3 am and stomping on the steps. There are car alarms going off and horns honking for rides, deliveries to the wrong apartment banging on your door. FIL might not succeed in being quiet but he does try a little and isn't as bad as those things happening. But then I realize I haven't had a kitchen to myself since December 2009 and I really miss it. I miss having my own house and the privacy.
And once again I'm left feeling dumb for going off bcp when I did, even though after 7 years of infertility you think you'd be able to count on that. Even though I went in a prayer line, I didn't expect a miracle, I expected eventual healing. I'm not complaining, just not understanding.
So right now our choices are applying for low income housing and it still be tight on our budget, or staying with my FIL and trying to work on some of the things that we can fix, like maybe a thick runner and pad in the hallway and drywalling around the furnace so it doesn't rattle behind my head all night long (and keep me up).
I'm such a mess right now. I think on the one hand, while apartment life isn't great, plenty of people do it, and it would be ours. There are several parks in Grottoes that could make up for not having a yard, there's even a grocery store, general stores and restaurants now. It's grown a good bit since I first moved there when I was 14. It takes a lot of pride swallowing to consider applying for government assistance. I grew up on it. But I didn't make stupid choices. I didn't get involved with bad men, drink, do drugs, run away from home etc. like most of the residents, my mother and other family members did. My decisions at least had a potential to turn out well. But really, unless we relocate for me to work full time somewhere using my degree and I can somehow get over putting my kids in full time daycare and juggling work and home life, there's nothing I can do about it. I disagree with the idea that because I have a degree I need to use it right now, and because I have it means I should somehow be just as capable as juggling everything. It doesn't make me less anything because I can't juggle being a working mom. Being a working mom is a new phenomenon and I have immense respect for those that do it but that should not be the standard to judge me by. But then on the other hand, it really feels ridiculous to live with FIL, in his basement, with 2 kids and after having a college degree and being married 8 years. I feel like society expects me to suck it up, either via work or government assistance, even though we don't live here free and even though our money would still be tight (because daycare is insane versus job availability and they can pay low right now because everyone is looking).
I guess when I take away my thoughts on what society wants of me, it's smartest to stay here. We can actually save and will be closer to our own home. Doug will most likely be getting a promotion, it's just a matter of when and the fact that I didn't want to sit here forever and end up worrying about it all and moving at 9 months pregnant. I filled out the Section 8 application and then sat down and did the math and just immediately felt like a voice was telling me we were making a mistake.
And when I realize what God did for me, that He's ultimately in control even though I can not remotely see where my next step is right now.
And good Lord these children better appreciate this. Because it might honestly be easier on me to throw them in daycare, work my butt off and never spend time with them and bring home $30 a week and/or live in government housing than it is to continue to live with my FIL, as I'm reminded because he just stomped on my head 6 times back and forth consecutively. He'd get half way down the hall and then turn around again, again and again. What on earth?!! And it's not just that he stomps, but that I then have to have stupid conversations with him about things that don't interest me at all and center entirely on him being conceited. Oh, wait, he just went by again. AND I can hear him on the phone.
And again, I'm worried about having a newborn in this again because it about killed me with Teddy. Or maybe I should say I about killed someone else, lol! ;)
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Assorted update
I've been having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions lately. I never felt them with Teddy but I've been having them a few times a day with Little Miss and mostly in my back. Not exactly painful but uncomfortable. Drinking loads of water definitely helps so I've been practically drowning myself in it. Except now I'm starting to get heartburn from water.
I've been kidney infection symptom free for several weeks now and my last two cultures have come back fine. I had some sort of awful bronchitis plague last week. It started with a scratchy throat on Sunday evening and just enough to feel "off." It kept me up all night. It got a little worse on Monday but was bearable. Monday night I started coughing and on Tuesday morning it had settled in my chest. Luckily I already had a regular physical scheduled. By then I had some aches and pains, which I was sure was just due to sleeping poorly for the last few nights but asked for a flu test anyway. I've been incredibly stupid and haven't gotten a flu shot yet, I've let petty things get in the way. But I knew if it was the flu and I wanted to take Tamiflu or something getting diagnosed within the first 48 hours was important. Thankfully, it came back negative. But I did have a lot of chest congestion and he went ahead and prescribed me a z-pack. I honestly didn't feel too terrible then but desperately wanted sleep. Doug's boss was out of town and he worked 7 days straight last week. Monday-Wednesday were all morning shifts and Teddy had been waking up at 5-6 am. I decided to send Teddy to a babyistter for the morning so I could rest. It was the first time I've ever done that. She was the same lady I used when I was sending him for in home care while I worked, but it's different as a stay at home mom and paying for babysitter. I usually just take him with me places or arrange them for Doug's day off or at most get mom to watch him. I think getting to rest just made me feel worse! I just kept feeling worse all Wednesday. Coughing to exponentially worse, a lot of wheezing and pain with breathing and so exhausted I felt like I had been hit by a truck. It just didn't seem like what should be happening almost 48 hours after being on antibiotics. So I went back in on Thursday. He changed my antibiotic and by Friday evening I was feeling a good bit better. Still very exhausted but getting bearable as Doug worked over the weekend. Sunday night Teddy started coughing some and had a fever off and on. We took him to the doctor on Tuesday and he didn't hear any chest congestion but we have a prescription if we need it. Poor little guy! He's so tired and pitiful sounding!
I met with my old midwife from Teddy the other day. I loved her but had to be transferred to OB care when I ended up with Gestational Diabetes. She doesn't want me to transfer care yet, to keep testing until 28 weeks and if all is well then I will transfer to her. I've tried to put on a good face about facing another c-section regardless of the need but it bothers me. And my research shows that a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) is safer than a repeat c-section. With Teddy I thought the OBs weren't very personal and were ignoring my concerns and that maybe it was just that practice and because I transferred to in so late and then the complications. So I switched to a different practice but I feel the same with them. I don't hate doctors. I love my general physician. I'm not super homeopathic or anything, I will take antibiotics readily, less because it's so necessary to get over things and more because I can't be sick in bed for a week. But it's something about pregnancy and birth. My body is made for this. If I am classified as low risk now, then I really want a VBAC and natural birth. And this sounds so crazy to just about everyone but the midwife, but I feel like this is what Little Miss wants. She seems much more relaxed than Teddy's utero persona was. When I close my eyes and think about meeting her for the first time I see myself in a tub and pulling her out of water. I just feel like she is wanting a water birth. I will do it at the birth center because it's closer to the hospital and I am a bit higher risk for transfer given the C-section versus home as I planned last time. And I don't know yet where we will be living or how far that would be from the hospital or how well it could accommodate a giant birthing tub and birthing people. So hopeful that everything will work out!
I've been kidney infection symptom free for several weeks now and my last two cultures have come back fine. I had some sort of awful bronchitis plague last week. It started with a scratchy throat on Sunday evening and just enough to feel "off." It kept me up all night. It got a little worse on Monday but was bearable. Monday night I started coughing and on Tuesday morning it had settled in my chest. Luckily I already had a regular physical scheduled. By then I had some aches and pains, which I was sure was just due to sleeping poorly for the last few nights but asked for a flu test anyway. I've been incredibly stupid and haven't gotten a flu shot yet, I've let petty things get in the way. But I knew if it was the flu and I wanted to take Tamiflu or something getting diagnosed within the first 48 hours was important. Thankfully, it came back negative. But I did have a lot of chest congestion and he went ahead and prescribed me a z-pack. I honestly didn't feel too terrible then but desperately wanted sleep. Doug's boss was out of town and he worked 7 days straight last week. Monday-Wednesday were all morning shifts and Teddy had been waking up at 5-6 am. I decided to send Teddy to a babyistter for the morning so I could rest. It was the first time I've ever done that. She was the same lady I used when I was sending him for in home care while I worked, but it's different as a stay at home mom and paying for babysitter. I usually just take him with me places or arrange them for Doug's day off or at most get mom to watch him. I think getting to rest just made me feel worse! I just kept feeling worse all Wednesday. Coughing to exponentially worse, a lot of wheezing and pain with breathing and so exhausted I felt like I had been hit by a truck. It just didn't seem like what should be happening almost 48 hours after being on antibiotics. So I went back in on Thursday. He changed my antibiotic and by Friday evening I was feeling a good bit better. Still very exhausted but getting bearable as Doug worked over the weekend. Sunday night Teddy started coughing some and had a fever off and on. We took him to the doctor on Tuesday and he didn't hear any chest congestion but we have a prescription if we need it. Poor little guy! He's so tired and pitiful sounding!
I met with my old midwife from Teddy the other day. I loved her but had to be transferred to OB care when I ended up with Gestational Diabetes. She doesn't want me to transfer care yet, to keep testing until 28 weeks and if all is well then I will transfer to her. I've tried to put on a good face about facing another c-section regardless of the need but it bothers me. And my research shows that a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) is safer than a repeat c-section. With Teddy I thought the OBs weren't very personal and were ignoring my concerns and that maybe it was just that practice and because I transferred to in so late and then the complications. So I switched to a different practice but I feel the same with them. I don't hate doctors. I love my general physician. I'm not super homeopathic or anything, I will take antibiotics readily, less because it's so necessary to get over things and more because I can't be sick in bed for a week. But it's something about pregnancy and birth. My body is made for this. If I am classified as low risk now, then I really want a VBAC and natural birth. And this sounds so crazy to just about everyone but the midwife, but I feel like this is what Little Miss wants. She seems much more relaxed than Teddy's utero persona was. When I close my eyes and think about meeting her for the first time I see myself in a tub and pulling her out of water. I just feel like she is wanting a water birth. I will do it at the birth center because it's closer to the hospital and I am a bit higher risk for transfer given the C-section versus home as I planned last time. And I don't know yet where we will be living or how far that would be from the hospital or how well it could accommodate a giant birthing tub and birthing people. So hopeful that everything will work out!
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Kicks and GD
I meant to post the other day that I've been feeling consistent real kicks for about a week now. She is all over the place! Much more so than I remember Teddy being until much, much later. Especially at night. We might be in trouble with sleep issues if she's like this on the outside.
I passed my 3 hour glucose test!! I brought my meter and was testing my levels after each hour draw. I asked the tech after the one hour what the cut off point was and she said it was 139, just like it is after eating food and so would each other hour. I got 200. Other readings were a little better but still higher than the cut offs. I was sure I had failed. Then after getting home I remembered that the cut offs I was told with Teddy were much higher. I looked it up and this is what I was told in September2010:
Fasting: 95...I had 89 at home
1 hour: 180....I had 200
2 hour: 160....I had 139
3 hour: 140....I had 119.
I checked some web sites and they confirmed that, though someone said they might have been outdated. I was cautiously optimistic. I was sooooooo excited and to get the phone call yesterday that I indeed passed!! The nurse said to check my numbers about once a week and bring them with me to my next appointment but that the OB would probably life that then. I think I will test until about 28 weeks just to ease my own mind because I know they normally test between 24-28 weeks so I guess that's the prime time it develops. But right now everything looks great!!
I passed my 3 hour glucose test!! I brought my meter and was testing my levels after each hour draw. I asked the tech after the one hour what the cut off point was and she said it was 139, just like it is after eating food and so would each other hour. I got 200. Other readings were a little better but still higher than the cut offs. I was sure I had failed. Then after getting home I remembered that the cut offs I was told with Teddy were much higher. I looked it up and this is what I was told in September2010:
Fasting: 95...I had 89 at home
1 hour: 180....I had 200
2 hour: 160....I had 139
3 hour: 140....I had 119.
I checked some web sites and they confirmed that, though someone said they might have been outdated. I was cautiously optimistic. I was sooooooo excited and to get the phone call yesterday that I indeed passed!! The nurse said to check my numbers about once a week and bring them with me to my next appointment but that the OB would probably life that then. I think I will test until about 28 weeks just to ease my own mind because I know they normally test between 24-28 weeks so I guess that's the prime time it develops. But right now everything looks great!!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Baby sister!!
I had my 20 week ultrasound today! We found out it's a baby girl! Here's how we told Teddy, my mom and the internet world:
http://youtu.be/71qUllE51DI
Every time I would ask Teddy he would say "baby sister" and Doug was always adamant it was a girl. I kind of thought girl because this pregnancy has been different but I am honestly kind of shocked. Oh, and the heart rate always indicated girl according to the old wive's tales.
Doug really wanted to find out in the room and be the first to know. I wanted to have some element of surprise or specialness because I initially didn't even want to know the gender. So we compromised. The pinterst inspiration was sibling opening a box with the balloon inside but the dollar store didn't have large boxes. Then the bag we got wasn't big enough, ripped and popped the balloon. The only thing I could find that was big enough was that hamper but I figure we can always use another one and Teddy likes playing with them.
Baby girl is looking great. Measured at 19w6d which is on track for their June 5th due date. I'm a little annoyed that it doesn't match the one at 13 weeks, and is therefore closer to my estimated ovulation date, but whatever. Shes' healthy!
It is soooo weird to write she!
I also did a 3 hour glucose test. The other weekend I was getting some high numbers on my random finger pricks so I called in to schedule one. But then I got really sick and after that everything was fine but they still wanted me to come in. Well, the numbers I was getting today on my meter were not good. No where near as bad as they were with Teddy but I'm pretty sure I failed. Unless my meter is way off, which wouldn't be a good sign either. Well, I can live with that. I've been eating pretty good so I guess that's why my numbers are fine at home. And at least it wasn't a diagnosis at 8 weeks like it looked like earlier! I also lost about 5 pounds. A difference of 2 pounds would be no big deal, it can vary like that. But I'm guessing between trying to watch what I'm eating, Teddy swiping my food and vomiting last week it added up to a few others. They aren't worried at all, I obviously have plenty to go around and baby is growing fine. I guess if it continues it might be a concern though.
I also did another urine culture. Hopefully all in the clear. I haven't had symptoms since last week. I'm praying it just needed that 10 day course and I've also been prayed for at church and am claiming my healing since the doctors can't do much. The doctor today said that "Yeah, you had a weird bug that just didn't want to go away. Not to make you feel odd or something, but we don't see that very often." Well, at least someone didn't treat me like I was insane!! And since I'm finally feeling better I can get back into an exercise routine.
I go back in 4 weeks for a routine visit and then in 8 weeks for another routine visit and a growth scan. Unless they need me to come in earlier for the gestational diabetes.
After the appointment we had lunch and then went and used a gift card to a new boutique in town which has many really neat (if pricey, but good quality) things. And then to the dollar store for the supplies. It's been a long day already, I got to the office at 7:45 and Teddy woke up at 6! He keeps waking up at 6 instead of the 8:30 he had been doing for months and then 7 for weeks. But the other day he woke up at 5, so I guess I'll take 6!
http://youtu.be/71qUllE51DI
Every time I would ask Teddy he would say "baby sister" and Doug was always adamant it was a girl. I kind of thought girl because this pregnancy has been different but I am honestly kind of shocked. Oh, and the heart rate always indicated girl according to the old wive's tales.
Doug really wanted to find out in the room and be the first to know. I wanted to have some element of surprise or specialness because I initially didn't even want to know the gender. So we compromised. The pinterst inspiration was sibling opening a box with the balloon inside but the dollar store didn't have large boxes. Then the bag we got wasn't big enough, ripped and popped the balloon. The only thing I could find that was big enough was that hamper but I figure we can always use another one and Teddy likes playing with them.
Baby girl is looking great. Measured at 19w6d which is on track for their June 5th due date. I'm a little annoyed that it doesn't match the one at 13 weeks, and is therefore closer to my estimated ovulation date, but whatever. Shes' healthy!
It is soooo weird to write she!
I also did a 3 hour glucose test. The other weekend I was getting some high numbers on my random finger pricks so I called in to schedule one. But then I got really sick and after that everything was fine but they still wanted me to come in. Well, the numbers I was getting today on my meter were not good. No where near as bad as they were with Teddy but I'm pretty sure I failed. Unless my meter is way off, which wouldn't be a good sign either. Well, I can live with that. I've been eating pretty good so I guess that's why my numbers are fine at home. And at least it wasn't a diagnosis at 8 weeks like it looked like earlier! I also lost about 5 pounds. A difference of 2 pounds would be no big deal, it can vary like that. But I'm guessing between trying to watch what I'm eating, Teddy swiping my food and vomiting last week it added up to a few others. They aren't worried at all, I obviously have plenty to go around and baby is growing fine. I guess if it continues it might be a concern though.
I also did another urine culture. Hopefully all in the clear. I haven't had symptoms since last week. I'm praying it just needed that 10 day course and I've also been prayed for at church and am claiming my healing since the doctors can't do much. The doctor today said that "Yeah, you had a weird bug that just didn't want to go away. Not to make you feel odd or something, but we don't see that very often." Well, at least someone didn't treat me like I was insane!! And since I'm finally feeling better I can get back into an exercise routine.
I go back in 4 weeks for a routine visit and then in 8 weeks for another routine visit and a growth scan. Unless they need me to come in earlier for the gestational diabetes.
After the appointment we had lunch and then went and used a gift card to a new boutique in town which has many really neat (if pricey, but good quality) things. And then to the dollar store for the supplies. It's been a long day already, I got to the office at 7:45 and Teddy woke up at 6! He keeps waking up at 6 instead of the 8:30 he had been doing for months and then 7 for weeks. But the other day he woke up at 5, so I guess I'll take 6!
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Great news!
When Doug was hired at his current job the understanding was that the general manager would be leaving in the not too distant future to pursue some other career options within the company. Well, that is happening faster than planned. She is next in line for the district for a promotion and there are a few possibilities for her ranging between 2 weeks and 4 months from now. Doug will get her current job. It will almost double his pay check. Moving will absolutely not be a problem now and we'll still be able to save for our own place. A total answer to prayer! We knew this was coming eventually anyway but I'm going to be honest, it's hard to be patient. Every time we talked about moving we knew that it would be super super tight until at least his one year raise in August. I hated that I was putting us in such a position financially but I just can't keep living here and deal with another newborn and Doug work 50 hours a week again. And it was driving me nuts, I'd go back and forth between saying we had to move and that I was ok. Poor Doug dealing with me. And now Praise God I don't have to worry about it anymore. So thankful for everything God has done for us in the last year!
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